Customer Reviews

My Husband Is Gay: A Woman's Survival Guide

5 star:		(3)
4 star:		(3)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

This book was a good accounting of the various stages of grief experienced by a straight spouse to whom it is revealed in whatever manner that her husband is gay. It gives the straight spouse validation that she is not alone.
However, to my disappointment, but book seems far too slanted toward the gay spouse, his struggle, how horrible it must have been, is, for him. It seems to guide the straight wife down a path that leads to "it's okay, I still love him, we can still be friends". For me, this will never be okay,and it should never be okay. Unfaithfulness is NOT OKAY. That is not to say that I am going to be angry forever in a destructive way. I am angry now (1 1/2 years after my divorce and almost nine years after I first found out)but I know that will get less intense. Straight spouses need to stand up for themselves and be counted, need to say that this is NOT okay and that the gay spouses need to take responsibility for not knowing himself and not being honest with himself and women they married. It is not okay to be unfaithful to your wife, even if it is with another man because you are gay. You get the divorce first, take responsibility for any children and other practical aspects of the marriage, and then move on if you must. This book seems to pity the gay men in marriages and has not nearly enough support and sympathy for the wives who are almost invariably left with all the responsiiblity - the author herself admits that her husband spent time on vacation with other men, leaving her to shoulder the full load of the business they owned together. Just because someone is gay and married does not give them license to abdicate responsibility, and this author seems to let the gay men off way too easily. More attention should be given to empowering the straight spouses to stand up for themselves and demand that their gay husbands shoulder their end of the marriage bargain. Nothing in the marriage vows states "till death do us part, unless I discover I'm gay and then all bets are off".

I bought this book because my husband has decided he's gay. Because we first had a friendship many years ago, then we turned on the romance, we are surviving through this situation still living together, with our children. We are giving ourselves a time of transition to work it out. The kids are too young to hear the circumstances so they don't even suspect. But, I had so many questions in regards to how to handle this, not necessarily why is he gay. But, the book helped me to confirm that I definitely can't change his orientation, he and I had both thought for a moment, that it could be prayed out of him, but alas, no, and we are Christians and really love the Lord. Just hearing about other women's situations is a help in transcending your own troubles. You almost feel that you are sitting present listening to support groups talk about their challenges with the husband coming out. I feel that my husband and I have definitely taken the high road in transitioning to an eventual separation. We plan on staying very involved as a "family", and I hope is at some point in the distant future, to meet a man whom I can share a complete relationship with. My husband is an amazing person and father and I always want him in my life, in our children's lives. It hurts so much now to be working through this, the tears keep coming, my husband and I continue to have discussions about handling the future for our "family". Carol's book is very comforting, focuses on keeping you healthy, bringing you to a place of peace, as the straight spouse, as you work through your issues. There is no workbook, but I definitely was calmed and helped to keep on track to love my husband now as still a best friend, person, and father, and myself, too, so that life can move forward for me positively and healthfully. Her last section on steps to take to "get through this situation" are of peace and of love, which when acted out by anyone, in my heart I know, is the best way. I know my husband hurts because this incredible situation hurts me and will affect our "beautiful" family as it is. Carol helped me work through my anger. I'd sit down to read the book when feeling, mad, angry and confused, and stop reading at a point, then feeling hopeful, more at peace and brought back to a path of love and health for which to lead my actions for both myself and towards my husband, which of course is a definite benefit for our children, whom we adore above all. Her words to regard him as a valuable person, etc. were encouraging.
All the best, this book will help you on your way, in a situation which of course is devastating to anyone.

As Director of the Straight Spouse Network, having listened to the stories of thousands of spouses, I can say without hesitation that My Husband is Gay presents an accurate picture of the ups and downs of a wife's painful journey after her husband reveals he is [homosexual] or bisexual. Weaving her personal story along with those of many other womenn she interviewed, Carol Grever offers a broad spectrum of practical models for how to get through this crisis in one piece -- and also the possibilites of growth through the process.

While I have yet to find a good comprehensive book on this topic, this is the best I've read yet. Carol Grever treats the subject with compassion, and interweaves many personal stories that the reader can relate to. I also appreciated that, while it may be rare or tough for a mixed orientation marriage to stay together, it's not impossible and the book reflects that message.

Having been the spouse of a gay man for 20 years (and known of his orientation for 10), I know that it is not impossible to make a marriage work, though it takes some incredible strength on the parts of both the straight and gay spouses. My husband and I both appreciated this book's approach.

Carol Grever has written about being a straight spouse in a very caring and loving way. The book also approaches the subject honestly, without leaving the reader feeling without hope or encouragement. What a plus!

This well written book is so helpful. In a unique and open style, Carol Grever shares her moving story and those of 25 other women. It reads like a novel and I did not want to put it down. It has a useful message to all people who have dealt with surprises, changes, and life tramas, not only those who find themselves impacted by a friend coming out of the closet. In openly communicating her struggles in such a heartful way, Carol makes it possible for others to also begin to talk about this previously forbidden topic. I highly recommend this book.

My Husband Is Gay: A Woman's Survival Guide
The author's account of how various women and herself dealt with their husbands disclosure was very informative. It helped to understand that mixed orientation marriages occur across all socioeconomic statuses. The most important was how the women need to focus on themselves and find the support needed to survive this life altering revelation. It's so important to know you're not alone and it has nothing to do with anything you may or may not have done.

This book is very repetitive. It presents interesting cases that become boring when explored over and over again. If your spouse turns out to be homosexual, a support group would be much more helpful than this book.

As much as I understand the predicament of what this woman and other partners in the book went through including the pain, the anger, the resentment and hopefully for most the reconciling, I wish these same people could see through their own pain and witness the pain in others. Of course, no one would wish any of these "gay spouse" scenarios on any person whether they be female or male but I think some more soul searching by the injured party is what is called for here.

There is an element of some of the spouses wanting to educate and make gains for the acceptance of gay people having understood that maybe their other halves didn't have a choice but really little is given over to the fact that these spouses are the same people who had put their partners in such a predicament in the first place.

Much is made of the obvious pain, anger, hurt and initial or prolonged resentment that these spouses have gone through but honestly, there is no presentment of why the other spouse felt driven to behave in the way they did in the first place. It is these same partners who, by fully supporting the established status quo on sexuality, whether that be a religious or civic stance that led to their partner's need to repress their NATURAL proclivities in the first place.

I totally empathize with any person who has been rejected or felt slighted by their partner's sexual transgressions especially in marriage where each partner takes an oath to be true to each other. However, we are all human and that state comes with its complexities, its weaknesses and its strengths and for anyone to believe that any human condition or relationship can be so simply discussed in black or white terms is either a simpleton or a bigot.

I fully endorse the idea that the pain and understanding of these issues can be shared and somewhat diluted in order to regain some sort of personal equilibrium for the perceived pained partner. Yet there is little understanding of the pain the seemingly offending partner has had to live with through the relationship. Only a sociopath could live guilty and pain free in this type of partnership. The gay spouses of these examples have gone through a lifetime of pain, guilt, shame and ultimately social and self scarring and self approbation that only now their partners are experiencing.

I have yet to meet a gay person who willingly inflicted emotional and physical pain on a partner in a straight relationship especially those born between the 40's and 60's whose only recourse to social acceptance was to marry and hopefully the one's that I haven't met but who have done this willingly they are incarcerated as they should be. These gay spouses have gone through years of personal turmoil reeling in the pain of trying to understand themselves while trying to conform to their peers' and society's role for them.

Yet within this book there are still the examples of partner's who can't empathize with their spouse's predicament whose only resort is "why me" or " it isn't right". Yes, it must be very painful to learn that the person you thought you had agreed a lifetime's commitment too has done you wrong, well think about the poor person whose whole lifetime's experience has been that not only you but the whole world has done them wrong. You, the person they had come to (been driven to) love were still the same person, who because of their own niaivety or dogma was imprisoning them in this partnership.

Yes, that is a complex paragraph to understand but it is simple arithmetic to the people who for a lifetime have had to manoeuvre through the tenets and morals of a society that has not been willing to understand them and certainly not accept them.

For the so called Christians that still can't accept the sexual predicament of their partners while witnessing the pain and guilt their partners must have wrestled with on a daily basis I say you got what you deserved. Until the bigots, the self righteous and above all, the Godless (yes, that is what bigoted religious people are) come to terms with the fact that the human condition has no set rules nor can be imprisoned by any man-made religious tenets and is, in its complexity an affirmation of the Divine, then may you suffer the pain and sorrows of your own making.

I wish no pain on any living thing but this book is merely an exercise in one person trying to extinguish the fire of their own pain by continually pouring the gasoline of bigotry and retribution on others.

This book was helpful, but the Author is 'teaching' junk science, so I am only giving it two stars.

The fact is that there is NO Gay Gene, and Greever has swallowed a lot of politcal disinformation spread by PFLAG and teaching it to women who are buying into misinformation about genetic structures as a way to salve their own conscious or as a way to fend off outsiders who tell them iit is their fault that their husband is 'now' gay.

The fact is that it isn't their fault at all, so why accept 'junk' science as a way of coping. Would they 'modify' their eating behavior and change their diet's if their DNA included predispositions to cancer or diabetes? Of course they would, or most people would try to modify their dietary behavior if they had family who had those medical conditions.

Greever doesn't seem to be able to make the leap that DNA can show predispositions to a disease, and therefore can be modified. Gay is no different from other predispositions to any disease. Why is she even accepting PFLAGs assertion that Gay cannot be modified, when other genes can be modified? She has accepted their politicaal agenda without even looking at the entire science behind DNA.

Frankly, the Gay Gene is a myth, and scientists agree that the DNA structure cannot be 'replicated', ergo there is no gay gene.

Fact: She emphasizes, that gays were _not_ _recruited_, that is also disinformation, based on the fact that in the early 1970's when the DSM struck Homosexuality from their Diagnostic book, they recruited people by telling them that 'everyone' is Gay, everyone has a tendency towards being Gay, and that is a natural thing, clearing the way for homosexuals to recruuit young boys and girls into that lifestyle.

I am not overly religious, but I do know that there isn't a Gay Gene, and if there was, behavior can be modified, just like diets for predispositions to other medical problems, can be modified.

Ohter than that the book is supportive of spouses who are dealing with a marriage that isn't working. I think it would be best to say that, you either accept that your husband or wife is gay and move on or stay.