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My Husband Is Gay: A Woman's Guide to Surviving the Crisis Paperback – March 1, 2001


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Frequently Bought Together

My Husband Is Gay: A Woman's Guide to Surviving the Crisis + The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families + Straight Wives: Shattered Lives
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Product Details

  • Paperback: 180 pages
  • Publisher: Crossing Press (March 1, 2001)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 1580910890
  • ISBN-13: 978-1580910897
  • Product Dimensions: 8 x 6 x 0.5 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 9.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 3.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (18 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #655,515 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

After 30 mostly happy years of marriage, Carol Grever's husband told her that he is gay. As she discovered, the phenomenon is relatively common, because many gay men believe they are at economic or social risk if they don't marry. In My Husband Is Gay: A Woman's Survival Guide, Grever shares her story and those of 25 other women of varying ages and backgrounds. Although most of their marriages ended in divorce, some of those who divorced were successful in preserving a healthy friendship with their husbands. Grever provides practical guidance (including professional resources and advice on telling the children) and positive support for women who suddenly find themselves in a marriage that is not what they thought.

Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc.


More About the Author

Carol Grever, has been a successful businesswoman and English professor and now writes professionally. Her newest book, GLIMPSES: A MEMOIR IN POETRY is her first full-length collection, but her poetry has previously appeared in several anthologies and in print and online periodicals. She is author of two books on straight spouse recovery: MY HUSBAND IS GAY: A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO SURVIVING THE CRISIS, and MY SPOUSE CAME OUT: A STRAIGHT MATE'S RECOVERY MANUAL. She also wrote and produced a unique documentary on the straight spouse dilemma, ONE GAY, ONE STRAIGHT: COMPLICATED MARRIAGES. Carol is a recognized spokesperson on mixed-orientation relationships and maintains an active blog, "Straight Spouse Connection." She's been interviewed on major network shows, including The Oprah Winfrey Show, Good Morning America, Anderson Cooper 360, Iyanla, Inside Edition, and The Early Show. She holds advanced degrees in English and Language Arts. An adopted Coloradan, she lives and writes in Boulder. Learn more at www.carolgrever.com and www.straightspouseconnection.com.

Customer Reviews

3.8 out of 5 stars
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews

121 of 144 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on September 15, 2003
Format: Paperback
This book was a good accounting of the various stages of grief experienced by a straight spouse to whom it is revealed in whatever manner that her husband is gay. It gives the straight spouse validation that she is not alone.
However, to my disappointment, but book seems far too slanted toward the gay spouse, his struggle, how horrible it must have been, is, for him. It seems to guide the straight wife down a path that leads to "it's okay, I still love him, we can still be friends". For me, this will never be okay,and it should never be okay. Unfaithfulness is NOT OKAY. That is not to say that I am going to be angry forever in a destructive way. I am angry now (1 1/2 years after my divorce and almost nine years after I first found out)but I know that will get less intense. Straight spouses need to stand up for themselves and be counted, need to say that this is NOT okay and that the gay spouses need to take responsibility for not knowing himself and not being honest with himself and women they married. It is not okay to be unfaithful to your wife, even if it is with another man because you are gay. You get the divorce first, take responsibility for any children and other practical aspects of the marriage, and then move on if you must. This book seems to pity the gay men in marriages and has not nearly enough support and sympathy for the wives who are almost invariably left with all the responsiiblity - the author herself admits that her husband spent time on vacation with other men, leaving her to shoulder the full load of the business they owned together. Just because someone is gay and married does not give them license to abdicate responsibility, and this author seems to let the gay men off way too easily.
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19 of 20 people found the following review helpful By Shirl on December 20, 2007
Format: Paperback
I bought this book because my husband has decided he's gay. Because we first had a friendship many years ago, then we turned on the romance, we are surviving through this situation still living together, with our children. We are giving ourselves a time of transition to work it out. The kids are too young to hear the circumstances so they don't even suspect. But, I had so many questions in regards to how to handle this, not necessarily why is he gay. But, the book helped me to confirm that I definitely can't change his orientation, he and I had both thought for a moment, that it could be prayed out of him, but alas, no, and we are Christians and really love the Lord. Just hearing about other women's situations is a help in transcending your own troubles. You almost feel that you are sitting present listening to support groups talk about their challenges with the husband coming out. I feel that my husband and I have definitely taken the high road in transitioning to an eventual separation. We plan on staying very involved as a "family", and I hope is at some point in the distant future, to meet a man whom I can share a complete relationship with. My husband is an amazing person and father and I always want him in my life, in our children's lives. It hurts so much now to be working through this, the tears keep coming, my husband and I continue to have discussions about handling the future for our "family". Carol's book is very comforting, focuses on keeping you healthy, bringing you to a place of peace, as the straight spouse, as you work through your issues. There is no workbook, but I definitely was calmed and helped to keep on track to love my husband now as still a best friend, person, and father, and myself, too, so that life can move forward for me positively and healthfully.Read more ›
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42 of 54 people found the following review helpful By Amity Pierce Buxton on May 28, 2001
Format: Paperback
As Director of the Straight Spouse Network, having listened to the stories of thousands of spouses, I can say without hesitation that My Husband is Gay presents an accurate picture of the ups and downs of a wife's painful journey after her husband reveals he is [homosexual] or bisexual. Weaving her personal story along with those of many other womenn she interviewed, Carol Grever offers a broad spectrum of practical models for how to get through this crisis in one piece -- and also the possibilites of growth through the process.
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13 of 16 people found the following review helpful By kristopia on August 15, 2005
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
While I have yet to find a good comprehensive book on this topic, this is the best I've read yet. Carol Grever treats the subject with compassion, and interweaves many personal stories that the reader can relate to. I also appreciated that, while it may be rare or tough for a mixed orientation marriage to stay together, it's not impossible and the book reflects that message.

Having been the spouse of a gay man for 20 years (and known of his orientation for 10), I know that it is not impossible to make a marriage work, though it takes some incredible strength on the parts of both the straight and gay spouses. My husband and I both appreciated this book's approach.
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9 of 12 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on March 24, 2001
Format: Paperback
Carol Grever has written about being a straight spouse in a very caring and loving way. The book also approaches the subject honestly, without leaving the reader feeling without hope or encouragement. What a plus!
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful By Charles E. Koehler on October 9, 2012
Format: Paperback
This review is written by Gwen Koehler former wife of a gay man

I am one of the women who's story is related in Carol's book, My Husband Is Gay: A Women's Survival Guide. My former husband, Sam, and present husband,Chuck, and I are also featured in the video, One Gay, One Straight, Complicated Marriages.
When I went through the trauma of hearing my husband confess his homosexuality about 30 years ago there were no resources that I could find to help me deal with my instant isolation from all that was familiar to me. Luckily I was finally able to reach out to my sister and eventually to other family members and friends. I know the healing could have started sooner for both of us had I had her books! Being a part of the process for the book with Carol, the inclusion in a community of women who told their stories and the help all along from my former husband made this incredibly hard journey so much easier. It is such a comfort knowing these resources by Carol Grever are now available to aid others who are facing this turn in their lives and knowing that perhaps our stories will smooth the road to recovery and promote continued love within families. Even if your life has not been touched by this situation I recommend reading this book to help you understand that homosexuality IS NOT A CHOICE. This issue is such a divisive subject in our culture and I think it is because of lack of understanding, education, dialogue and old teachings and beliefs that should be put to rest. The book gives faces to real people and real life experiences that can only help the reader reexamine prejudices and hopefully accept this authentic human condition.
Gwen, aka "Sarah" in the book
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