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On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone [Paperback]

Florence Falk (Author)
4.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (13 customer reviews)

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Book Description

March 25, 2008
At some point over the course of the average American woman’s life, she will find herself alone, whether she is divorced, widowed, single, or in a loveless, isolating relationship. And when that time comes, it is likely that she will be at a loss as to how to handle it. As a society, we have an unspoken but omnipresent belief that a woman alone is an outcast, inherently flawed in some way. In this invigorating, supportive book, psychotherapist Florence Falk aims to take the fear, doubt, confusion, and helplessness out of being a woman alone. Falk invites all women to find their own paths toward an authentic selfhood, to discover the pleasures and riches of solitude, and to reconnect with others through a newfound sense of self-confidence.

Like so many women before her, Florence Falk found herself divorced, alone, and unsure of herself. Soon she realized that by embracing her solitude for what it was—a potentially enriching and life-altering experience—she could turn what once would have felt like “loneliness” into a far more positive and empowered “aloneness.” Falk notes that each of us has two opposing drives: one causes us to yearn to make close connections with others, and the other pulls us back into ourselves, into the need for selfhood and certainty that can only be shaped through solitude. In order to be whole, she says, we must heed both of those impulses. But in our modern culture, the former is stressed while the latter is neglected, even vilified. On My Own boldly shifts that paradigm.

With inspiring, intimate stories of women from all backgrounds, Falk illuminates the essential role that being alone plays in women’s lives. Whether she is in a stable relationship or on her own, every woman must learn to be by herself; for if she can be fully free, unfettered by society’s stigmas about being alone, life and all its possibilities will open up for her. And as Falk demonstrates, once a woman has discovered the richness of solitude, she is not likely to give it up so easily.


From the Hardcover edition.

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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

After two divorces and more than two decades as a psychoanalyst, Falk is an expert on the concept of being a woman alone—a term she prefers because "as a distinct category within women's culture, it formally elevates our presence and status, helps us to achieve visibility and expression, and allows us to redress our marginalized state." Hyperbole aside, there's no denying that to embrace being a woman alone isn't easy in a society where "bachelors are always eligible," while " 'spinsters,' almost by definition, are ready for the dumpster." But as Falk makes clear in this useful and appealing manual, it's inaccurate, unfair and unhealthy to equate being alone with being unwanted or a failure. Some may cringe at her flowery language, but she offers plenty of evidence for her central thesis that "aloneness is an opportunity, a state brimming with potentiality, with resources for renewed life." Drawing from her own experiences, those of her patients, and examples from such writers as Marion Milner and cultural figures like Kitty Carlisle Hart, Falk offers plenty of material to help even women with partners to understand the distinction between being abandoned and choosing to be alone, and to appreciate the healing and nurturing benefits of solitude. (Mar.)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Review

“Florence Falk’s On My Own is a provocative, smart read for any woman who is alone, wants to be alone, or is figuring out how to be alone. An empowering, emotionally honest book that is long overdue.”
—Amy Sohn, author of Run Catch Kiss and My Old Man

“In On My Own Florence Falk bravely and soulfully invites women to reimagine aloneness—to see it as a gift rather than a failure. Her book is a call to wholeness, independence, and empowerment.”
—Eve Ensler, author of The Vagina Monologues

“Finally, an insightful and powerful book that guides us towards inner freedom that is possible when we befriend aloneness. This is for all women, single or not: The stories and practical guidance offered in this book teach us about living and loving fully.”
—Tara Brach, Buddhist teacher and author of
Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha


From the Hardcover edition.

Product Details

  • Paperback: 304 pages
  • Publisher: Three Rivers Press (March 25, 2008)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 1400098114
  • ISBN-13: 978-1400098118
  • Product Dimensions: 5.2 x 0.6 x 8 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 7.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (13 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #129,870 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

13 Reviews
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 (6)
4 star:
 (5)
3 star:    (0)
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Average Customer Review
4.0 out of 5 stars (13 customer reviews)
 
 
 
 
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews

66 of 68 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars The power of flying solo, April 16, 2007
On My Own is a revolutionary book. Florence Falk offers deep insight about the social and cultural frames that encourage women to see being alone as a "problem". Beautifully written, it traces, with true sensitivity, the many complex and often conflicting forces that 'contribute' to a woman's 'aloneness'. She boldly encourage us to shatter the paradigm, and reframes solitude as a positive state, a place of power, to be celebrated and explored with enthusiasm.

Around this country, millions of women, single or deeply lonely in their relationships, wrestle with questions about the role and place of partnership in their lives. This remarkable book offers us a way to see our aloneness in a new way....helping us to celebrate our solitude as a state of liberation.

It's hard to imagine a woman whose life would not be touched by reading this book. For many women, Falk's message will come as a key, unlocking a door they may never have known was even there.... and lives will change, forever. For some, perhaps, it will be revolutionary, and the change will come with great force. For others, it may be like a small stone, dropped into water, the rings rippling out gently, wider and wider... but either way, I am convinced, lives will transform. Give this book to a woman you know who is ready for freedom!
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45 of 49 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars Almost inspiring, August 24, 2007
The Art of Being a Woman Alone - now there's a subject which needed to be addressed. Women today (and for most of recorded history) have been culturally expected - even driven - to sacrifice themselves for others. More recently, ideals emerged which allowed women to seek their own interests and careers, and in todays world, most women know instinctively that they HAVE to be able to support themselves (and children if they have them) as men are no longer required to support them.
This, understandably, creates pressure.

In our modern drive to have everything, women have lost their Self. By losing one's Self, according to Falk, a person loses the ability to stand alone, to be self-sufficient, to enjoy solitude without being lonely and bereft. In addition, when one's Self is damaged or missing, there is nothing protecting you from psychic damage from friends, lovers, and the world in general.

In many ways, our culture resists the import of a woman who is able to stand alone. If you are valuing your own self, you are selfish - a horrible accusation to make of any girl or mother. If you cultivate your own interests, or enjoy your own company, you are self-absorbed - again, a negative. Falk wants us to take joy in selfishness, as we re-imagine ourselves and make peace with who we truly are. She wishes that more women would take time to be self-absorbed, to glory in the creative, WHOLE person who has been submerged for so long by our society, our relationships, and abuse.

Which brings me to the "almost inspiring." Falk finds it necessary to trace in microscopic detail the failed relationships, parental and peer abuse, and overarching societal pressure which causes modern women to lose their Self. This is an amazing downer in a book intended to inspire. In those pages (which are a majority of the book) there is a passivity - a helplessness in the face of a powerful and malevolent grinding cultural poverty. Comparing this to her stirring call for Self-awareness, I found it difficult when she failed to transfer this individual awareness into culture at large.

One example speaks of a girl, gifted and pretty, from an "academic" hippie family, and the teasing and social abuse she suffered at middle and high school. The girl, now a middle-aged woman, is only now dealing with this pain. Nowhere is it suggested that if the girl had a Self-aware mentor, she could have learned to stand ALONE and to rise above the taunts of her peers. Repeatedly, women and girls in her examples are left with gaping psychic wounds which are bemoaned as evil and spirit-breaking, but with no counter-examples to show HOW, if one is taught to grow into her Self from the start, those wounds could be minimized or avoided.

Much of this comes from the author's own experiences, as late in life she rediscovered herself and fought free of years of living for others. I do applaud women who, at any age, realize that no matter what or who is in your life, a healthy person's focus must be on themselves FIRST. However, I think that a celebration of women's rights to be whole people in themselves should try to show how to achieve that from the start, rather than passively accepting the damage until some midlife "eureka" is reached.

In spite of this, this book is stirring and powerful, and begs for women to accept that we CAN be alone and powerful, we CAN be at peace with our true Selves, and we CAN recover from childhood trauma and the pressures of life. This is an important message for everyone.
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20 of 22 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars Much needed book!, January 6, 2008
I'm a 25 year old single woman who lives alone, works, and goes to grad school. I was thoroughly captivated by this book, not only because of the writing, but because I realized more and more how essential this book is to every woman. Falk is right, most books exploit the insecurities of women, this book actually takes a different viewpoint and grounds its claims on reality. Instead of looking outward, it forces the reader to look inside. When you focus on yourself and improving yourself, the circumstances of your life improve. When you focus on trying to rationalize the behaviors of others, you neglect yourself and get farther away from your true self.

There are times I feel alone and insecure and times and when those moments creep up, I tend to pick up this book and read it again and soon I realize, I had just simply lost sight.
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