On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone (Paperback)

~ Florence Falk (Author)

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

After two divorces and more than two decades as a psychoanalyst, Falk is an expert on the concept of being a woman alone—a term she prefers because "as a distinct category within women's culture, it formally elevates our presence and status, helps us to achieve visibility and expression, and allows us to redress our marginalized state." Hyperbole aside, there's no denying that to embrace being a woman alone isn't easy in a society where "bachelors are always eligible," while " 'spinsters,' almost by definition, are ready for the dumpster." But as Falk makes clear in this useful and appealing manual, it's inaccurate, unfair and unhealthy to equate being alone with being unwanted or a failure. Some may cringe at her flowery language, but she offers plenty of evidence for her central thesis that "aloneness is an opportunity, a state brimming with potentiality, with resources for renewed life." Drawing from her own experiences, those of her patients, and examples from such writers as Marion Milner and cultural figures like Kitty Carlisle Hart, Falk offers plenty of material to help even women with partners to understand the distinction between being abandoned and choosing to be alone, and to appreciate the healing and nurturing benefits of solitude. (Mar.)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved. --This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

Review

“Florence Falk’s On My Own is a provocative, smart read for any woman who is alone, wants to be alone, or is figuring out how to be alone. An empowering, emotionally honest book that is long overdue.”
—Amy Sohn, author of Run Catch Kiss and My Old Man

“In On My Own Florence Falk bravely and soulfully invites women to reimagine aloneness—to see it as a gift rather than a failure. Her book is a call to wholeness, independence, and empowerment.”
—Eve Ensler, author of The Vagina Monologues

“Finally, an insightful and powerful book that guides us towards inner freedom that is possible when we befriend aloneness. This is for all women, single or not: The stories and practical guidance offered in this book teach us about living and loving fully.”
—Tara Brach, Buddhist teacher and author of
Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha


From the Hardcover edition. --This text refers to the Kindle Edition edition.

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Product Details

• Paperback: 304 pages
• Publisher: Three Rivers Press (March 25, 2008)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1400098114
• ISBN-13: 978-1400098118
• Product Dimensions: 7.9 x 5.1 x 0.8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 7.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 3.9 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (15 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #194,696 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

59 of 60 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars The power of flying solo, April 16, 2007

By	Gwenyth Jackaway, Ph.D. "Professor" (New York, NY) - See all my reviews

This review is from: On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone (Hardcover)

On My Own is a revolutionary book. Florence Falk offers deep insight about the social and cultural frames that encourage women to see being alone as a "problem". Beautifully written, it traces, with true sensitivity, the many complex and often conflicting forces that 'contribute' to a woman's 'aloneness'. She boldly encourage us to shatter the paradigm, and reframes solitude as a positive state, a place of power, to be celebrated and explored with enthusiasm.

Around this country, millions of women, single or deeply lonely in their relationships, wrestle with questions about the role and place of partnership in their lives. This remarkable book offers us a way to see our aloneness in a new way....helping us to celebrate our solitude as a state of liberation.

It's hard to imagine a woman whose life would not be touched by reading this book. For many women, Falk's message will come as a key, unlocking a door they may never have known was even there.... and lives will change, forever. For some, perhaps, it will be revolutionary, and the change will come with great force. For others, it may be like a small stone, dropped into water, the rings rippling out gently, wider and wider... but either way, I am convinced, lives will transform. Give this book to a woman you know who is ready for freedom!

37 of 40 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Almost inspiring, August 24, 2007

By	Rowan Reader - See all my reviews

This review is from: On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone (Hardcover)

The Art of Being a Woman Alone - now there's a subject which needed to be addressed. Women today (and for most of recorded history) have been culturally expected - even driven - to sacrifice themselves for others. More recently, ideals emerged which allowed women to seek their own interests and careers, and in todays world, most women know instinctively that they HAVE to be able to support themselves (and children if they have them) as men are no longer required to support them.
This, understandably, creates pressure.

In our modern drive to have everything, women have lost their Self. By losing one's Self, according to Falk, a person loses the ability to stand alone, to be self-sufficient, to enjoy solitude without being lonely and bereft. In addition, when one's Self is damaged or missing, there is nothing protecting you from psychic damage from friends, lovers, and the world in general.

In many ways, our culture resists the import of a woman who is able to stand alone. If you are valuing your own self, you are selfish - a horrible accusation to make of any girl or mother. If you cultivate your own interests, or enjoy your own company, you are self-absorbed - again, a negative. Falk wants us to take joy in selfishness, as we re-imagine ourselves and make peace with who we truly are. She wishes that more women would take time to be self-absorbed, to glory in the creative, WHOLE person who has been submerged for so long by our society, our relationships, and abuse.

Which brings me to the "almost inspiring." Falk finds it necessary to trace in microscopic detail the failed relationships, parental and peer abuse, and overarching societal pressure which causes modern women to lose their Self. This is an amazing downer in a book intended to inspire. In those pages (which are a majority of the book) there is a passivity - a helplessness in the face of a powerful and malevolent grinding cultural poverty. Comparing this to her stirring call for Self-awareness, I found it difficult when she failed to transfer this individual awareness into culture at large.

One example speaks of a girl, gifted and pretty, from an "academic" hippie family, and the teasing and social abuse she suffered at middle and high school. The girl, now a middle-aged woman, is only now dealing with this pain. Nowhere is it suggested that if the girl had a Self-aware mentor, she could have learned to stand ALONE and to rise above the taunts of her peers. Repeatedly, women and girls in her examples are left with gaping psychic wounds which are bemoaned as evil and spirit-breaking, but with no counter-examples to show HOW, if one is taught to grow into her Self from the start, those wounds could be minimized or avoided.

Much of this comes from the author's own experiences, as late in life she rediscovered herself and fought free of years of living for others. I do applaud women who, at any age, realize that no matter what or who is in your life, a healthy person's focus must be on themselves FIRST. However, I think that a celebration of women's rights to be whole people in themselves should try to show how to achieve that from the start, rather than passively accepting the damage until some midlife "eureka" is reached.

In spite of this, this book is stirring and powerful, and begs for women to accept that we CAN be alone and powerful, we CAN be at peace with our true Selves, and we CAN recover from childhood trauma and the pressures of life. This is an important message for everyone.

7 of 7 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Fascinating, smart read, May 9, 2008

By	Dawn Reynolds (Washington, DC) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

I have read many self-help books, including several relating to the single life. This book stands out for its singularly focused message: partnered or not, women benefit from cultivating a rich, vibrant inner world. This is a wonderful read for the literate woman, single or coupled. Falk pulls in a wealth of relevant writers and thinkers, from Rainer Maria Rilke to Virginia Woolf, always keeping the narrative driven toward the joys inherent in loving your own self, and keeping your own company. I cannot emphasize enough how important her smart message is: for all women, in all stages of relationships, to honor her inner self and to be independent and strong.