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On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone

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On My Own is a revolutionary book. Florence Falk offers deep insight about the social and cultural frames that encourage women to see being alone as a "problem". Beautifully written, it traces, with true sensitivity, the many complex and often conflicting forces that 'contribute' to a woman's 'aloneness'. She boldly encourage us to shatter the paradigm, and reframes solitude as a positive state, a place of power, to be celebrated and explored with enthusiasm.

Around this country, millions of women, single or deeply lonely in their relationships, wrestle with questions about the role and place of partnership in their lives. This remarkable book offers us a way to see our aloneness in a new way....helping us to celebrate our solitude as a state of liberation.

It's hard to imagine a woman whose life would not be touched by reading this book. For many women, Falk's message will come as a key, unlocking a door they may never have known was even there.... and lives will change, forever. For some, perhaps, it will be revolutionary, and the change will come with great force. For others, it may be like a small stone, dropped into water, the rings rippling out gently, wider and wider... but either way, I am convinced, lives will transform. Give this book to a woman you know who is ready for freedom!

The Art of Being a Woman Alone - now there's a subject which needed to be addressed. Women today (and for most of recorded history) have been culturally expected - even driven - to sacrifice themselves for others. More recently, ideals emerged which allowed women to seek their own interests and careers, and in todays world, most women know instinctively that they HAVE to be able to support themselves (and children if they have them) as men are no longer required to support them.
This, understandably, creates pressure.

In our modern drive to have everything, women have lost their Self. By losing one's Self, according to Falk, a person loses the ability to stand alone, to be self-sufficient, to enjoy solitude without being lonely and bereft. In addition, when one's Self is damaged or missing, there is nothing protecting you from psychic damage from friends, lovers, and the world in general.

In many ways, our culture resists the import of a woman who is able to stand alone. If you are valuing your own self, you are selfish - a horrible accusation to make of any girl or mother. If you cultivate your own interests, or enjoy your own company, you are self-absorbed - again, a negative. Falk wants us to take joy in selfishness, as we re-imagine ourselves and make peace with who we truly are. She wishes that more women would take time to be self-absorbed, to glory in the creative, WHOLE person who has been submerged for so long by our society, our relationships, and abuse.

Which brings me to the "almost inspiring." Falk finds it necessary to trace in microscopic detail the failed relationships, parental and peer abuse, and overarching societal pressure which causes modern women to lose their Self. This is an amazing downer in a book intended to inspire. In those pages (which are a majority of the book) there is a passivity - a helplessness in the face of a powerful and malevolent grinding cultural poverty. Comparing this to her stirring call for Self-awareness, I found it difficult when she failed to transfer this individual awareness into culture at large.

One example speaks of a girl, gifted and pretty, from an "academic" hippie family, and the teasing and social abuse she suffered at middle and high school. The girl, now a middle-aged woman, is only now dealing with this pain. Nowhere is it suggested that if the girl had a Self-aware mentor, she could have learned to stand ALONE and to rise above the taunts of her peers. Repeatedly, women and girls in her examples are left with gaping psychic wounds which are bemoaned as evil and spirit-breaking, but with no counter-examples to show HOW, if one is taught to grow into her Self from the start, those wounds could be minimized or avoided.

Much of this comes from the author's own experiences, as late in life she rediscovered herself and fought free of years of living for others. I do applaud women who, at any age, realize that no matter what or who is in your life, a healthy person's focus must be on themselves FIRST. However, I think that a celebration of women's rights to be whole people in themselves should try to show how to achieve that from the start, rather than passively accepting the damage until some midlife "eureka" is reached.

In spite of this, this book is stirring and powerful, and begs for women to accept that we CAN be alone and powerful, we CAN be at peace with our true Selves, and we CAN recover from childhood trauma and the pressures of life. This is an important message for everyone.

I'm a 25 year old single woman who lives alone, works, and goes to grad school. I was thoroughly captivated by this book, not only because of the writing, but because I realized more and more how essential this book is to every woman. Falk is right, most books exploit the insecurities of women, this book actually takes a different viewpoint and grounds its claims on reality. Instead of looking outward, it forces the reader to look inside. When you focus on yourself and improving yourself, the circumstances of your life improve. When you focus on trying to rationalize the behaviors of others, you neglect yourself and get farther away from your true self.

There are times I feel alone and insecure and times and when those moments creep up, I tend to pick up this book and read it again and soon I realize, I had just simply lost sight.

I have read many self-help books, including several relating to the single life. This book stands out for its singularly focused message: partnered or not, women benefit from cultivating a rich, vibrant inner world. This is a wonderful read for the literate woman, single or coupled. Falk pulls in a wealth of relevant writers and thinkers, from Rainer Maria Rilke to Virginia Woolf, always keeping the narrative driven toward the joys inherent in loving your own self, and keeping your own company. I cannot emphasize enough how important her smart message is: for all women, in all stages of relationships, to honor her inner self and to be independent and strong.

I initially picked up this book with enthusiasm and interest. My enthusiasm faded quickly as Falk recounts her patients' past traumas and dramas in one endless monologue. The book slogs on with whining and insecurity on cultural norms of "being a woman" and societies expectations. Rehashing repeatedly images of the spinster, the oddity of a woman being on her own as compared with a man, the unease of aloneness, a woman tending to care for everyone else but herself, on and on gag me. The book makes mountains out of mole holes and the content reeks of women holding onto their problems rather than enjoying life.

I was expecting first hand accounts of women out in the world doing things or even watching a movie with their dog in peace. Not crying on a couch because of a breakup and waiting for a man to come back or a new Mr. Right to come along.

Do yourself a favor: Invest the time you'd have spent reading this in planning your own vision quest or doing volunteer work.

Or if you like wallowing in trauma and unease join Falk for extended rehashing of your traumatic childhood, your second divorce and how you just can't stop crying.

Women don't need more rehashing of garbage we already know. Women need to get out and enjoy life and I wish Falk had written about that. Maybe I will provide that writing because the "Art of Being a Woman Alone" is a great topic!

By subtitling her book The Art of Being A Woman Alone, Florence Falk conveys the idea that being alone for a woman is an Art, a talent to be learned. Knowing how to be alone does not come naturally to most women. Anne Morrow Lindbergh counsels in her book, Gift From the Sea: "Woman must come of age by herself. This is the essence of 'coming of age'--to learn to stand alone."

Her title On My Own, tells us that this subject is one Ms. Falk has also needed to confront. In her case, her zest for work led to her lack of time alone, until she felt so burned out, she was forced to cancel future commitments.

What does it mean to be a woman alone and why is the ability to enjoy one's own company so relatively rare? Ms. Falk explores these important questions from every angle, adding the infectious wisdom of well-known writers, philosophers, and psychologists to her own.

Fear of loneliness keeps women in relationships that are disharmonious, even physically and/or emotionally abusive. Often women have a tendency to suppress their emotions because of feelings of shame, inferiority and depression, emotions difficult to share or to admit even to oneself. Nietzche called these emotions: "dangerous knowledge...which the heart ferociously resists, fearing to be disabled--fearing, in essence, its own salvation."

We fear being "present with ourselves" believing this to mean we will end up alone, without our connections to others we cannot imagine living without. Falk's book explains how these fears began, how society encourages them, and how our childhoods often reinforce them.

She quotes the English pediatrician and psychoanalyst D.W. Winnecott, who emphasized that the ability to be alone depends upon a child being raised in "...the presence of a nurturing caregiver who, in the deepest sense, respects and therefore validates (his) being."

This perceptive book stresses that learning to be alone is a vital prerequisite for participating in a healthy relationship as well as in the development of one's creative skills. Having an aptitude for being alone is not something we are born with though some have a greater capacity for it than others. May Sarton, who wrote of her love of solitude in "Journal of a Solitude," talks about her own fear of "the huge empty silence" that greeted her each time she returned home after a lecture or book reading before a large audience.

Ms. Falk writes: "These alternating life currents of separation and connection...allow us to become our own mapmakers and move into the uncharted territory of our lives." It is a liberating experience to become one's own "mapmaker" and move into "uncharted territories" but for this to happen, one's fears need to take a backseat to the decisions that confront us daily.

It is only through solitude that we can achieve any semblance of self-knowledge. Ms. Falk points out: "How ironic that this relationship to oneself is the one we are least familiar with, and yet it is the building block for all others. Our strength, our stability, and the integrity of all our relationships depend on forging this vital connection."

My favorite quote in the book speaks to this point. It is by the poet Rainer Maria Rilke: "I hold this to be the highest task of a bond between two people: that each should stand guard over the solitude of the other." This is the definition of a relationship in which two people do not interfere with the personal freedom of the other.

It is important to mention that Ms. Falk reminds us of the difference between aloneness and solitude. If we are to enjoy solitude as a measure of our self-acceptance and portal to creativity, we must first allow and accept that we, each of us, are alone in our lives...and rather than see this as a frightening reality, let it lead us to a profound connection to our sacred selves.

I recommend this book to all who wish to explore their own fears regarding solitude, and to all who wish to deepen their connections to self.

by Duffie Bart
for Story Circle Book Reviews
reviewing books by, for, and about women

If only our culture had an extra rite of passage: one that required all young people, both men and women, to live on their own for at least six months before entering into any kind of emotional and intimate relationship. What benefits we would reap! Many of us move right from our parents' home or from a college dorm room into a live-in arrangement or a marriage. As a result, we never have a chance to learn how to be responsible for ourselves or even to figure out who we are as individuals. It's no wonder we get derailed when those relationships invariably end and we're left ALONE. Then we *have* to learn how to survive, and fast.

"On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone" addresses the aftermath. Women, amazingly enough, are still the most vulnerable individuals and as a group have the least amount of experience living alone. It's not that they have to be taught how to behave, as much as they have to be reassured that it's OK to be on their own in the first place. Shame and fear are among the major issues they may have to work to overcome. Those who embrace solitude as a time for reflection, creativity, and regrouping are the ones who thrive and succeed.

Florence Falk studies all of the aspects of such situations, beginning with the societal pressure to be beautiful, skinny, and part of a couple; then adding to those expectations the overriding childhood influences of parents and peers, as well as the lure of addictive habits to escape from them all. This is, therefore, a much fuller treatment than the title indicates. It's really a psychological scrutiny of the general lifestyle of the contemporary American woman.

While the text offers myriad examples from the author's life and those of her clients, friends, and acquaintances, its main target audience might be too stressed or depressed to be receptive to the book's message. Just knowing that others have gone the same way and have lived to tell the tale may not provide enough validation to anyone currently wallowing in an abyss that's filled to the brim with grief. "On My Own" is not a succinct or a step-by-step how-to-survive manual. Instead, its conversational style offers positive options and possibilities based upon real-life experience. It presumes patience, both in reading the book and in going through the recuperative process. The author calls for personal introspection: for first discovering your authentic self and the reasons behind your emotions and your actions, before you consider entering into interactions with other people. Of course, this is a prompting that any good psychotherapist would recommend.

I believe "On My Own" would be best read (a) as preparation before "stepping out," or making a choice that would result in resuming singlehood, (b) or as a confirmation well after the fact, when the emotional wounds have healed a bit and enough time has passed that the process can be viewed objectively. If this book had been around at the time of my divorce in 1991, for example, I wouldn't have been able to read it then. There would have been no need: I was *living* it. But being comfortable in being "a woman alone," years later, I find many familiar moments in the text, including a few that could be considered Ah-hah! revelations.

To me, it all comes down to ignoring society (to a certain extent), carving your own path, and heeding the simple advice that a divorced friend gave me when she learned my own marriage was ending, way back when: "Do something nice for yourself every day." That's the first step. Someday you'll be able to read "On My Own" and understand what really happened. You'll give yourself permission to do what you need to do to be true to your authentic self. After all, it takes both time and practice for a mere Condition to become an Art.

The author makes her point in the first chapter and then belabors it ad nauseum. I agree with another reviewer who said that women should get out and enjoy life instead of endlessly wallowing in our unhappy childhood experiences. The author writes about Bessie Smith's 1945 recording of "What Is This Thing Called Love?" which is interesting because Bessie Smith died in 1937. (The recording was Billie Holiday.) She uses "unphased" when she means "unfazed." Her editor should be sued for malpractice. She describes one woman as slender and attractive and then comments that it is hard to believe she's a grandmother. What? --- grandmothers are expected to be fat and dumpy? The author reinforces some of the very stereotypes she sets out to debunk. Intelligent women who want a thought-provoking book should definitely look elsewhere.

I love this very insightful and helpful and supportive book. Thank you very much. Oh yea I loved the price too

One of the most profoundly true statements in this book is that "aloneness is an opportunity, a state brimming with potentiality..." I wish this inspirational book had been available when I was going through my alone times; it would have provided the extra inspiration and strength I needed. So glad it's available now. I may need it in the future. In the meantime, I'll be recommending it to my women clients and quoting from it in my next book. Florence Falk reminds us that each woman alone is a work of art in the making. Pamela D. Blair, author The Next Fifty Years: A Guide for Women at Mid-Life And Beyond