Customer Reviews

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Manos - Hands of Fate

5 star:		(145)
4 star:		(35)
3 star:		(10)
2 star:		(8)
1 star:		(6)

 

 

The current wisdom among bad movie buffs is that Ed Wood's "Plan 9 From Outer Space" is the worst movie ever made. Believe me, it's not. And if you don't believe me, then just watch this one. Try it without the MST gang and see if you think "Plan 9" is worse.

"Manos," according to film critic Michael Weldon, was written, produced, directed by its 'star' Hal B. Warren, a fertilizer salesman from El Paso, Texas. The plot, as such, concerns Warren and his family, who become lost while on vacation. They stop at a strange house to ask directions and are met by the weird servant Torgo, who takes them prisoner and helps to make the next 90 minutes only seem like 8 hours.

Even the MST gang had trouble with this one, as most of the good lines and ripostes are in the first half. One can actually feel this movie sucking the life out of the crew. At the end even Dr. Forrester believes he may have went too far. But one redeeming thing came out of this -- the addition of Torgo the pizza delivery man (played by Mike Nelson) to the list of characters that inhabit Deep 13.

The only other caveat I can add is that this movie is for those seasoned MSTies only. If you are new to the MST experience, I would recommend "The Beginning of the End," or "I Accuse My Parents" to get you up to speed before tackling this one.

"Cave Dwellers". "Wild Rebels". "Plan 9 from Outer Space". "Bride of the Monster". "Body Rock". "Howard the Duck". Any one of the "Gamera" series. People, as a guy who finds subtle humor and beauty in bad movies, I've seen the worst of them. . . .or so I thought. I must have been out of town that day, as during the "Joel years" I was a regular watcher, so that could be the only reason I missed "Manos: Hands of Fate" the first time out. I just got to say this: "Manos" makes the films listed above look like AFI 100 candidates. I mean . . My GOD, this movie is HORRID beyond horrid.

If you're looking for a description of how it takes cinema to a new abyssmal low . . . well, here goes: Imagine getting a continually out of focus Handy 8 camera from the 60's, get 6 of your best friends (make ABSOLUTE sure they can't act), go to a local bar and pick the first 6 women you see and dress them in K-mart nightgowns, go to a desolate beach with a cottage in Ohio somewhere with a script you've written in one hour (and no more) and start filming away. Believe me, you couldn't do any worse.

Every single solitary thing about this endurance test will make your brain start to atrophy. The commentary from Joel and the 'bots is top notch, but you know you have to feel sorry for the poor chaps when the SCIENTISTS apologize for "Manos". The opening edu-short "Hired" (light years better than "Manos", and that ain't saying much), put out by Chevrolet in the 50's, is hilarious as an added bonus. The "Manos" experience has to be seen to be believed. Buy this cobalt bomb of a movie, throw "Manos" parties and invite your enemies. You'll be glad you did.

"MANOS: the hands of fate" was conceived by Harold Warren, a Texas fertilizer mogul, apparently after a long day of shoveling a big pile of...well, you know, FERTILIZER. "Manos" is probably the worst movie ever made which is good news for MST3K fans because it's also probably the best MST3K episode ever! "Manos" is the kind of movie that isn't released by Hollywood, it escapes! I won't bother trying explain the plot, because there is none. Just suffice to say that some stupid, inept people behave foolishly, repeat themselves alot, repeat themselves alot and end up at the hands of the wobbly 'Torgo' and his 'Master', basically victims of their own bottomless stupidity. All filmed in fabulous "HAZE-VISION". Stars nobody, look for producer Hal "Bag-of-Hammers" Warren as the clueless dad. There's also a short before the feature, "HIRED pt.2", the second half of a Chevrolet sales training film from the 50's. (Don't worry if you haven't seen part 1, the really important plot points are in part 2!) BUY IT! ENJOY! ACCEPT THE PAIN!

All the MST3K DVDs are worthwhile for the episodes they contain. One rant, however... I do wish Rhino would introduce some level of consistency to the disc production. I get the feeling all of the MST DVDs were made in someone's dorm room.
Here is a tech DVD breakdown:

[Manos]: Season 4 Episode 24 (Joel) 125 mins including "Hired: part 2" short:
· Disc Label: Purple Satellite of Love graphic
· Menu System: 3 choices - Play Movie, Scene Index, Poopie (annoying Manos music loop)
· Special Features: Poopie - hilarious MST3K outtakes

[Eegah]: Season 5 Episode 6 (Joel) 97 mins:
· Disc Label: Eegah color movie photo graphic
· Menu System: Professional but half done - Play Movie/Chapter Selection, Play Uncut Version, Special Features (Music loop is ¾ of Joel's theme)
· Special Features: List of titles on VHS & DVD - There are the makings of forward and back buttons here but they don't work. All 6 pages just transition through each other slowly. Rhino website address (why this is listed as a feature I don't know.) Uncut version.

[Mitchell]: Season 5 Episode 12 (Joel's Final Episode/Mike) 97 mins:
· Disc Label: Cheap silver silhouette
· Menu System: Cheap flying saucer graphic buttons with semi-annoying music loop from Mitchell - Play Movie, Play Trailer, Scene Index
· Special Features: Original theatrical trailer for Mitchell.

[The Brain That Wouldn't Die]: Season 5 Episode 13 (Mike) 97 mins:
· Disc Label: Double sided disc. (Why? The same features fit on one side with Eegah)
· Menu System: Professional but half done - Play Movie/Chapter Selection, Play Uncut Version, Special Features (music loop is from the movie and moderately annoying)
· Special Features: List of titles on VHS & DVD - There are the makings of forward and back buttons here but they don't work. All 6 pages just transition through each other slowly. Rhino website address. Uncut version on second side.

[Wild World of Batwoman]: Season 5 Episode 15 (Mike) 72 mins + "Cheating" short 20 min:
· Disc Label: Cheap blue with flying saucers (Joel's face errantly graces the box. Mike is the lead in this episode)
· Menu System: Professional - Play Movie/Chapter Selection, Play Uncut Version, Special Features (Music loop Is ¾ of Joel's theme... which is strange as this is Mike's episode)
· Special Features: Lists 3 other MST DVD titles. Click on titles to see a clip from each. Very Nice! Rhino Website. Uncut Version.

[The Beginning of The End] Season 5 Episode 17 (Mike) 72 mins:
· Disc Label: Cheap blue with flying saucers
· Menu System: Professional - Play Movie/Chapter Selection, Play Uncut Version, Special Features (Music loop Is ¾ of Joel's theme - again, this is Mike's episode)
· Special Features: Lists 3 other MST DVD titles. Click on titles to see a clip from each. Very Nice! Rhino Website. Uncut Version.

[Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie] 1996 - 72 mins:
· Disc Label: Cheap silver silhouette
· Menu System: None - chapter selection only
Notes: This movie is really hard to find and considered a collector's item. The only difference between the movie and a TV episode are a precious few amped up special effects, makeup and they hired a real actor to play in one of the skits (which I feel is a tragic mistake). It is not worth the (...) that it is going for in Amazon's Used section unless you're a diehard.

I have my MST3K membership badge, and when the show was still on Comedy Central, I would often sleep in/watch MST3K on Saturday mornings. I had seen "Sidehackers", "Master Ninja"'s I and II, "Mitchell", and I had laughed. Yet, I had not seen "Manos: The Hands of Fate". I had heard the whispered legends, but I did not believe them. For I had seen "The Brain Wouldn't Die". Nothing could shake me. Then... Then... I saw it.

I warn you, gentle reader. This movie is for the strong of stomach. From Torgo who did not learn how to wear his Depends undergarments to the "Master" who could control the wheels of fate but chose the wrong artist for his self-portrait, I was transported into a world where pretentiousness meets imcompetence and all known rules of the universe slip into irrelevance.

I survived twenty-seven minutes and twenty seconds until I was forced to pause the movie for a full ten minutes to calm myself. The ecstasty of laughter had turned to pain, and "Manos: The Hands of Fate" clutched me more firmly than Torgo attempted to clutch the "protagonist"'s wife. Yet I carried on, but the ecstasy overcame my abillity to reason many more times to the point that two minutes of movie triggered ten minutes of hysteria at the point when the "Hands of Fate" wrung the life from poor Torgo. Afterwards, I was left numb, drunk. I could not move, and I found myself whispering: "The horror.".

So, I recommend this movie, but be warned, Manos is graduate-level MST3K. I advise those watching to prepare for what cannot be prepared for.

There's something almost endearing about this film--it's the sort of thing your movie-nut kid brother might turn out with a video camera and some friends in the neighborhood. In fact, the movie nut here was a middle-aged fertilizer salesman from El Paso, Texas, and the rest of cast looks as if their high-school days had passed as well, but they bring the same sort of clunky enthusiasm to the project. The non-plot concerns some lost travellers, a stumbling satyr named Torgo, a lot of women in sheer nighties, and The Master, a terribly-intense fellow clad in what looks like one of Shelly Winter's castoff muu-muu's. Along the way, an annoying poodle gets offed, Torgo makes an arthritic pass at the heroine, who screams a lot, and the nightie brigade spend a lot of time rolling around in the dirt and slapping each other. Oh, and there's a lot of driving footage. A lot. And Harold wears a very nice golf sweater . . .

"Manos": The Hands of Fate - was there ever a more painful piece of cinema inflicted upon a poor, unsuspecting piece of celluloid? I'd wager the answer is a resounding "no". Yes, this movie is as bad as you've heard - if not worse. For Joel and the 'Bots, this is cruel and unusual punishment.

Alot of people laud this as the best episode of MST3k ever, and while I think its definately funny, I wouldn't go so far as to say its the best. But you can't blame the SOL gang: they didn't really have much to work with. Still, I'm giving it five stars for three reasons:

1. The movie "Manos" itself. This is the hands down, undisputed, worst movie that the show has ever featured - it has to be seen to be believed. The plot is indecipherable, the acting makes Ed Wood movies look like Shakespere, and I don't have a clue as to why some of the characters were even in the movie. The camera work make it look like you're seeing through the eyes of a Glaucoma victim. According to the Internet Movie Database (which ranks this as the worst movie of all time), this film was made on a dare by a fertilizer salesman, and it shows.

2. The DVD includes as a special feature the entire Poopie Reel - an hour long collection of outtakes so hilarious that I actually watch it more often than I do the movie proper. This more than balances the palatte against Manos (I think the DVD designers were feeling guilty) and easily justifies buying the DVD.

3. Its got Torgo! What else needs to be said?

The bottom line: No MST3k collection will be harmonious without this DVD added. Take the "Manos" challenge.

Manos: Hands of Fate makes all other B movies look like Oscar material. This thing is so bad, the viewer is nearly left feeling sorry for the people who made it. Home movies are easily better than this. In one sense, Manos seems worthy of some kind of reward because of its consistency in utter nonsense. So look no further. Manos WAS honored with a reward. It received the glory of resurrection by none other than the epitome of cinema sarcasm. And naturally the MST3K staff show no mercy on this flick.

Pacing down the highway at about five miles per hour is a family of three on vacation. Joel opens the commentary: "This is the slowest car chase I've ever seen." Mixed up with his directions, Pop makes a wrong turn somewhere and the good guys end up lost in a desert where they happen upon some decrepit motel.

The camera focuses on some weirdo standing on the porch known as Torgo. This guy is quite simply beyond any hope of description. He appears to be so low on the evolutionary scale that it is perhaps best to imagine him as a hillbilly without a brain. The character, played by John Reynolds, dons some sort of padding in his trouser legs to add excessive bulge to his knees. He exaggerates this appearance with a sloppy, staggering walk on his tiptoes in short, rapid steps. This ridiculous strut is accompanied by a comical music riff trying to sound like the Twilight Zone theme. I think the idea here was to give the impression that Torgo possessed the hind legs of a cloven-hoofed beast. This was, no doubt, to make him extra scary. Joel apparently interpreted his appearance differently: "Uh. . . Torgo, that is NOT where you're supposed to wear your Depends."

Meanwhile down the road a piece, a couple of young hot teens are parked at the side of the highway in a sport coupe convertible, and working overtime on some serious tongue activity! Servo's immediate response is, "Whoa! Manos takes it up a notch!" Joel is equally startled: "Go Speed Racer!" Alas, a couple of cops drop by to clean up the moment and put the family values back into the movie. And boy can these cops act!

Back at the ranch, Pop (also known as Mike) decides the family needs to hit the road, but he and his wife, Maggie, suddenly realize that their little daughter is missing! It turns out she's discovered a basement where Frank Zappa's twin brother and about six women are residing in suspended animation.

Then the scary stuff unfolds. First, The Master and his wives wake up from their nap, and he decides that Maggie will be his next wife. But the ladies bicker over the fact that a little girl is involved. They decide to settle the matter with a cat fight in their nighties! To hell with the tonguing couple in the convertible; this scene is, as Crow observes, "Probably the reason the movie was made." Meanwhile, Torgo bonks Mike on the head because he wants Maggie for his wife too. This is Maggie's lucky day! The Master is not particularly pleased with that idea, however, so he orders Torgo killed during a sacrificial rite. The Master's wives respond by giving Torgo a massage. Poor Torgo ends up sacrificing one of his hands in a fire ritual, and then runs away with both legs working better than ever!

Making sense so far?

MST3K selected to capitalize on the character of Torgo. Mike Nelson makes his first appearance in this very episode as none other than Torgo the pizza delivery boy, complete with that ridiculous stagger and musical accompaniment. It's a riot.

Also in this episode is a film called Hired. Occasionally, MST3K preceded their featured movie with a budget industrial film, otherwise known as a "short." This one is a customer service motivator by the Jim Handy Organization designed for Chevrolet sales representatives. It was made sometime in the early 1940s. The quality of Manos is so bad that Hired actually gives it a run for its money.

For any newcomer, it is worth noting that MST3K is a cult program. It is alternative satire with a touch of slapstick. For those who relate to its approach, MST3K is splendid comedy. It's a nice escape from the excessive sitcom environment that bombards the airwaves. It is simple, direct, in-your-face humor. MST3K isn't for everyone, but if you're curious enough to look into it, this episode ranks among one of the favorites. Viewing under the influence should serve to enhance the ride.

Enjoy!

This DVD contains the most famous episode ever of the brilliant comedy TV show Mystery Science Theater 3000 (or MST3K for short), when the hosts of the show took on perhaps the worst, ickiest, vilest, most incompetently shot movie in history: MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE. If youre a fan of the show, YOU MUST own this DVD, but doubtless you already do. (The Master wants you to own thishe loves beautiful DVDs!)

People new to show, or curious about it, need to be warned, however: DO NOT start your experience of MST3K with this episode! Try the collections from Rhino (I recommend Vol. 1 & 2) or Red Zone of Cuba or I Accuse My Parents first. To put it simply, Manos is so utterly bizarre an episode, that even though its one of the funniest episodes in the whole series, a newcomer may be more stunned by the sheer weirdness of the movie and be unable to focus of the wisecracks of the hosts. And even Joel and the Bots have a very different style of comedy in episode; the movie stuns them as well, often reducing them to bizarre mumbling and repeating of the shows title in a daze of amazement and horror.

In case you are REALLY new to MST3K, I better explain a bit about the show: each ninety-minute episode features a silhouette of a man and two robots in movie theater seats projected in front of a terrible movie. The hosts provide side-splitting, satiric, and culturally-savvy wisecracks to accompany the movie. Each episode also includes sketches and songs and adds up to some of the most hilarious comedy you will ever see.

Manos: The Hands of Fate is the last episode of Season 4, probably the best period in the shows ten season history. Host Joel Hodgson and the two robots, Tom Servo (voiced by Kevin Murphy) and Crow T. Robot (voiced by Trace Beaulieu), had reached a level of comfortable brilliance and camaraderie in their riffing on the movies and in the sketches outside of the theater. But Manos taxes them to the limit. Even the mad scientists who inflict these films on them both have to apologize for making them watch this THING: Even I have to admit, we really went too far this time, one of them explains.

Before Manos begins, however, Joel and the Bots get a bit of a warm-up and watch a short subject: Hired! Part II. This training film for Chevrolet salesmen of the late 40s teaches them how to bully customers until they buy, whether they like it or not! A funny short, very typical of the fourth seasonbut then the nightmare begins!

Manos: The hands of Fate (since Manos means hands in Spanish, the title literally is Hands: The Hands of Fate) was shot in 1966 by Harold P. Warren, an El Paso Texas fertilizer salesman  now theres a bad place to start! The film was shot on the ranch of ex-El Paso County Judge Colbert Coldwell at night, and Mr. Warren (who is also one of the stars) rushed the cast and crew through the shoot so he could return the camera equipment on time, resulting in the slapdash, surreal, and ugly quality of the film. The cast, all local community theater people and other relatives, were working for shares in the films grosses, which none of them saw, and all were aware they were making a stinker and amused themselves with the hope that the film developer would somehow save the awful footage they were shooting.

Whats the film about? You got me. A family of three drives into the wastelands on vacation and become trapped in the mansion of The Master (a Freddy Mercury look-alike wearing black robes with silly red hands painted on them) and his bevy of nightgown-wearing wives who occasionally wrestle to Gene Krupa drum solos. The Masters assistant is a stuttering pervert named Torgo with big thighs (hes supposed to be a satyr), who gives the oddest performance in MST3K history, and is a legend unto himself. (The actor, John Reynolds, later committed suicide, although no one knows if it had anything to do with this movie.) Meanwhile, a couple smooches somewhere and the cops bother them. The sound is muffled, the editing bizarre, the photography awful, and the whole things makes you feel like youre having a fever dream. The comedy from Joel and the Bots is strange but hilarious. (Joel, this is going to turn into a snuff film, isnt it?) The comedy peaks when, near the end of this marathon of awfulness, Tom Servo makes the deadpan understatement of the decade: You knowthere are certain flaws in this film. The breaks away from the movie are also hilarious, as Joel and the Bots try to find some way to survive this monstrosity.

Yes, Manos is one of the highlights of MST3K history, if not THE highlight. But it is simply too bizarre for a beginner. You need to have absorbed some of the shows style, the characters personalities, and their relationships before you watch them tackle this film that seems to have come from another planet. Watch a few of the other episodes available on DVD. Get to love to show. Get a feel for it. Then youre ready for MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE.

But I warn you, you may never be the same again.

(Final note: There is actually a bonus feature on the DVD, Poopie!, a reel of bloopers from the show covering many seasons. Its a half hour of hysterical stuff for die-hard fans. But again, newcomers wont quite understand this.)

Well folks, it does not get any worse than this. Being a long time viewer of terrible/cheesy/campy films most of my life, I can safely say that this "movie", if you can call it that, is an exercise in how NOT to make a movie. Every aspect, whether on the technical side or the acting side makes most first year film student's efforts look like Gone With the Wind. Therefore, it is not suprising that this movie was written, directed, produced and starred one named Hal P. Warren. Who is Mr. Warren, you say? Well, he was a Texas Fertilzer salesman. The following review will show you why his movie and business were mirror images of each other and why it cannot really contain spoilers.

First, the "plot". Do NOT hold your breath on this one. There is none. The movie starts out with a family consisting of Incomptent Dad (Hal P. Warren - who'd thunk?), Hysterical Mom, little girl (who must have been scarred for life for being in this movie) and pooch going on vacation, to a place called the Valley Lodge. This lodge is located about 50 meters to left side of the planet Pluto. Hence, the first 15 minutes of this movie is NOTHING but stock footage of the family driving past country fields. They drive and drive and drive and after awhile, you will get carsick. Finally, they get lost and come across a little ramshackle house. Waiting to greet them is one of the most memorable characters in movie history, Torgo. Torgo is supposed to be a half-man/half-goat, a satyr. The movie makes this look authentic by having Torgo wear watermelons in his pants. (REAL SCARY!) Torgo has many memorable lines such as, "I am Torgo, I take care of place the when the mAsTeR is away!" and "There is no way out of here, it will be dark soon, there is no way out of here." Torgo also speaks in a sort of drunken sign-song voice that sounds half stoned, half like he is straining on the toilet.

Anyway, Incompetent Dad overcomes the protests of the others and convinces Torgo to let them stay the night, since "It will be dark soon." After about another 20 minutes of nothing, Incompetent Dad and Hysterical Mom see a painting of the Master, who looks like Frank Zappa after a rough night. After this, the pooch wanders off and is eaten by the Master's Hell Beast and the little girl stumbles across the Master and his "wives", clad in sheer nightgowns, all sleeping on stone slabs, in I assume, the backyard of the house. Well, the Master (who I think is supposed to be some sort of evil priest) wakes up, speaks into a cloud of smoke and intones the Will of Manos all the while throwing up his hands that show off his funky zippered black robe complete with funky red hands emblazoned on them. His wives then wake up, start arguing, then get into a wrestling match that only Jerry Springer could admire.

While all of this is going on, Torgo makes a clumsy, drunken pass at Hysterical Mom, Incompetent Dad is hit over the with Torgo's walking stick and tied to a tree. After this, Torgo (did I mention he is killed THREE times in this movie?!), goes back to the house, has the Master "kill" him by having a staff waved in front of him, and is taken back to the wives who then massage him to death on one of the stone slabs. However, he is not really dead. So, the Master makes sure he will leave the house by burning his hand off. Torgo then runs out of the scene and the movie. Finally, after all of this, the Master and his wives start going after the family. Incompetent Dad wakes up, free himself, gets his gun, gathers his family and tells them to get back into the house because, he says, IT IS THE SAFEST PLACE. Mother of God!! Predictably, the Master captures them, Incompetent Dad becomes the new Torgo, and the wife and little girl become new wives for the Master. (Rather sick when you think about it)

By the way, there is a couple who sit in a car and make out throught the entire movie, while constantly being pestered by two local redneck cops. This has NOTHING to do with the movie, but it is there anyway. Another testimony to the lunacy of this film.

Second, the techincal lapses. The film quality is poor because all they had was a hand cranked DMV-type camera that could only record 30 seconds of film at a time. In one scene during the driving sequence the camera dissolves into the exact same scene. And the color prints are as faded as a red shirt going through 50 washings in Clorox 2. The camera also could not record sound, therefore, all voices were dubbed in later by Warren and his wife and this is VERY evident. Also, the acting is on par with a kindergarten play and is as wooden as Louisville Slugger baseball bat. And one more interesting fact. "Manos" in Spanish means "hands". So, the real title of this movie is "Hands, the Hands of Fate".

Seeing that this is usually rated as the worst movie ever made on the Internet Movie Database, I must concur. However, I give this one a 1, only because of Torgo and the fact that Mystery Science Theatre 3000 made this a classic episode. For how bad it is, this movie is a must see. Score: 1/10