The Myth of Maturity: What Teenagers Need from Parents to Become Adults [Hardcover]

Terri Apter (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: June 2001

What do young people at the threshold of adulthood really need and want? Why do so many responsible and motivated teenagers become young adults who are still dependent, financially and emotionally, on their parents? Why are many young people today so quick to leave childhood behind, but so slow to become adults?

In this wise and compassionate book, Terri Apter debunks outdated and misguided ideas about maturity: Acting in the name of love, many parents withdraw emotional or practical support, thinking it best for a son or daughter to solve his or her own problems—even to suffer alone the consequences of mistakes. Apter shows us that young adults actually need a parent's guidance and support, while also requiring respect and independence. Based on carefully observed case studies and current research, this book describes how we can support young people through a crucial stage in their development.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Parents often withdraw from their college-age children yet these are the years when a parent's guidance is particularly important, argues Apter (The Confident Child, etc.). A social psychologist and researcher at Cambridge University, Apter conducted in-depth interviews with 32 American college students and recent graduates, and here presents "core stories," complete with real dialogue and analysis, that she has culled to help parents and thresholders change the way they see and talk to each other. The stories include that of a college girl so overwhelmed by choosing a major that she develops an eating disorder ("I ask her about her family. `Oh them,' she says, scooping up the ice cream in her root beer float. `I feel really cut off from them.' ") and a first-generation college student who dropped out because, according to Apter, his parents didn't provide the emotional support he needed. Young men who feel "dead inside" when confronting new girlfriends, a fast-tracked child of the '90s boom who "feels her position is fragile" and a '60s boomer parent who feels "angry incomprehension at his son's moody lethargy" all make appearances. Apter's sample of 32 may not be broadly representative, and non-middle-class readers may have trouble recognizing themselves in many of these anecdotes. And while the startling statistic that 50% of boys and 40% of girls move back in with their parents at some point after college may mean that colleges treat students as more grown up than they are, as Apter notes, it also seems to directly contradict her contention that parents pull away at this same point. (June)Forecast: Apter's The Confident Child remains a steady seller, but Apter is not quite enough of a brand to draw readers in on name recognition alone. However, the book, covering the burnout of post-adolescent achievers and their attendant pathologies, will attract the SUV set via word of mouth.

Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc.

From Library Journal

These two books offer excellent perspectives on children, parents, and culture. Psychologist Apter (The Confident Child) argues that we've been hanging on to an idea that's all wrong that when children finish high school or college and land a job, they instantly become autonomous, responsible adults. This "myth of maturity," insists Apter, is harming our kids. These "thresholders" (ages 18-24) appear to function as adults (whether in a job or in school), but in reality they are often in turmoil, depressed, and overwhelmed by life. Apter claims that though parents have been taught that they should end support (emotional, financial, and practical) so that their children can be independent and self-reliant, this is the wrong approach. Each chapter addresses a theme (job stress, finances, college, emotions) with stories of thresholders Apter has interviewed followed by her advice to both parents and thresholders on how to deal with the situation. Myth shatters many common notions we've held for several decades, e.g., it links eating disorders to separation anxiety and lays to rest the idea that the l8-24s are confident, happy, and sexually active beings. Like Elkind, Apter knows that kids grow up fast (that is, they leave childhood) but that they aren't "grown up" at all. Elkind's classic The Hurried Child dates from 1981 and was revised in 1988; now it appears in a third edition. The basic premise remains the same: parents have pushed their children emotionally and intellectually too far, too fast. Today's parents think of their kids as Superkids, so competent and so mature that they need adults very little. Why? Because parents, who are building careers, blending families, or struggling as single parents, have no time for child rearing. Having a competent Superkid relieves these parents of guilt, but it places too much stress on the children themselves. This new edition is fully revised, with new sections on peer-group parent pressure, i.e., the pressure parents feel to go along with the Superkid image out of fear that their own children will lag behind, and on organized sports, the Internet, and software for infants. Like Apter's title, this powerful book is essential reading. Linda Beck, Indian Valley P.L., Telford, PA
Copyright 2001 Reed Business Information, Inc.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 288 pages
• Publisher: W. W. Norton & Company (June 2001)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0393049426
• ISBN-13: 978-0393049428
• Product Dimensions: 8.3 x 5.6 x 1.3 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (7 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,530,190 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Discover books, learn about writers, read author blogs, and more.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

13 of 13 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Essential reading for parents of teens and beyond!, December 28, 2001

By 

Linda (Millis, MA, United States) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: The Myth of Maturity: What Teenagers Need from Parents to Become Adults (Hardcover)

I just finished reading Terri Apter's book about helping teenagers and young adults find their way in the world. I will be recommending it to all of our friends! Ms. Apter identifies common misconceptions about how young people "should" be treated while discussing the realities young people face and how they need to be treated. Many of her ideas about helping our children grow into successful (happy, well-adjusted) adults are very common sense and resonate with parents as things we want to do, yet feel society does not support. Apter's ability to provide examples as to why parents need to nurture their young adults is reinforced by her examples of what happens when young adults do not receive such support. As parents we must do what we feel is best for our children and reject the pressures of society to "let them go and learn from their own mistakes". Apter's Myth of Maturity is a great resource for parents.

9 of 10 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Just in the nick of time, July 1, 2001

By A Customer

This review is from: The Myth of Maturity: What Teenagers Need from Parents to Become Adults (Hardcover)

This book was so appropriate for our situation with our college age daughter. I found the book to be one of the few written specifically for this age group. I have loaned it to two friends who are having problems with their 20+ year old offspring. So many things are written about the teenage years, that you assume after that is over that "maturity" and development is accomplished. I am looking now for other books written by this author. Highest recs!!

5 of 5 people found the following review helpful:

2.0 out of 5 stars Not About Teenagers But Rather 20somethings, December 4, 2010

By 

CrimsonGirl "homeschooling mom" (S.F. Bay Area, USA) - See all my reviews
(VINE VOICE)   

This review is from: The Myth of Maturity: What Teenagers Need from Parents to Become Adults (Paperback)

Don't let the subtitle mislead you- this book isn't about parenting teenagers at all but rather about 20somethings. The author invents a new term ("thresholders") for adults in their twenties and she advocates the kind of coddling by parents that has led to a prolonged adolescence among so many Gen Yers. I just couldn't relate at all to the stories of "quarterlife" angst by spoiled, whiny, immature 20somethings sponging off Mommy and Daddy. Ms. Apter regards the serial job-hopping and bed-hopping and the delay in becoming financially independent by so many young adults today as a *GOOD* thing. She claims, without providing any convincing evidence to support the assertion, that this kind of drifting is "preparation for a complex and demanding adulthood". Personally, I feel that "the maturity myth" is itself a myth and that the kind of "support" Ms. Apter advocates parents give 20somethings will ultimately hurt more than help. She calls it "scouting the adult world" but these "thresholders" *ARE* adults- and they need to start acting like them!

The chapter on marriage and parenthood by "thresholders" particularly made my blood boil. Ms. Apter claims that getting married prior to one's late twenties prematurely "forecloses" what she calls "the opportunity for real, deep growth" and allegedly "leads to a limited identity." She goes on to claim that 20somethings who settle down "assume the outward form of adulthood, take a shortcut to growth. This strategy invariably fails." As if the kind of "hooking up" that is now the norm among 20somethings allows for real growth of anything aside from the skyrocketing rates of STD's and out-of-wedlock pregnancies. She fails to consider the possibility for growing as a person within the framework of a loving, stable, committed relationship. I'm not the same person I was when I got married a month prior to my 22nd birthday. Getting married young didn't stunt my identity at all- I was able to grow & mature in my 20's just as easily (if not more so) than had I chosen to remain single.

Skip this one if you want your kids to become self-reliant adults.