Customer Reviews

The Naked Witch / Crypt of Dark Secrets

5 star:		(4)
4 star:		(0)
3 star:		(5)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

The Naked Witch is a low budget movie that hooks you first with facts about witches and then with facts about German settlers in Texas. Its a first person narrative about a college guy doing research on the folklore of the German folk who settled in Luckenbach Texas. While the older folk refuse to talk of the legend of the naked witch, a pretty young blonde girl aides the student who learns where the naked witch is buried and goes and digs her up. Revenge ensues.

The Crypt of Dark Secrets takes place in Louisiana bayou country. It reminded me of comic books like Swamp-Thing and Man Thing. The acting is the definition of wooden but I found the photography to be nice and the colors crisp on the DVD. The lead witch in this production is very attractive and does have a prolonged nude scene.

Then there are a ton of short subjects and witch related trailers. One of the most incoherent of the shorts is called something like the Great Pearl Snatch where forbidden Lesbian love and a lust for pearls collide in an epic rambling journey of rambling epic proportion. I don't know what it was about but it had some nudity.

Then there's the even more completely incoherent Acid Skull, which is the best short on the disk that combines LSD, a human skull, two naked girls in chains, and disco lights into about ten minutes of something. But don't worry, what ever it is, its not as bad as Moulin Rouge.

...

Two great flicks here especially if you like regional made horror films. The first if Larry Buchanan's first film Naked Witch about a college student who brings a beautiful dead witch back to life. Filmed for $8000.00 in Texas, Buchanan does his best to bring a very interesting story to life. I really enjoyed this film and it was nice to see a color print. Contains a little nudity, but nothing special.
The second feature is Crypt Of The Living Dead and it was shot in Louisiana. A mysterious woman on an island brings a man back from the dead and they seek revenge of those who killed him. Thick with voodoo and murky swamp vengeance, this is another rare treat for horror fans.
Great extras and trailers as only Something Weird can do. Check it out!

To break down my ratings I give the Naked Witch 4 stars, the Crypt of Dark Secrets 1 star, and the extras get 5 stars.

In Crypt of Dark Secrets, all you get for your trouble are 4 drownings, one robbery, one naive vietnam vet, and a long and boring look at a fictional society (with a population of 4 or 5 people (one dead)) that lived in the New Orleans swamps before the Europeans arrived. These ancient ones apparently spent most of their time doing boring, hippy dippy dances. Interestingly, half of them were white. But it's not as funny as it sounds. The only interesting thing is the swamp footage. It is unfortunate this movie takes up space on this DVD, but even if you skip this second feature, you get more than you do on most DVDs. The extras, plus "The Naked Witch", directed by Larry Buchanan, the man behind such hits as "Zontar" and "Mars Needs Women", make the DVD worthwhile.

"The Naked Witch" starts out with a long introduction giving the history of beliefs about witches around the time of the Black Death, with lots of great detail shots of Bosch's famous triptych. This opening is sort of like a sensational counterpoint to the classic "Haxan". It then goes into the history of a (real!) village in Texas settled by Germans which has maintained a culture straight out of mid-1800s Germany. Once these almost-documentaries end, it tells the story of a folklorist arriving in the village to study the legend of a witch (a real German folk legend transplanted to Texas, and previously the subject of a movie in Germany called, guess what, "The Naked Witch"). All of this I found interesting enough (many viewers may find these openings boring, but imagine going to a drive-in for a horror movie and sitting through this!), but eventually, the folklorist revives the witch of the title and the real fun begins. You get to see such things as the witch dancing to bongo drums inside a cave and walking behind censorship dots which mysteriously float on the screen awaiting her arrival before she even comes on screen, and "nighttime" scenes just as brightly lit as the daytime scenes! And the witch's eyebrows must be seen to be believed!! (Divine must have based his eyebrows on hers).

The extras include some of the best movie trailers I've seen on any Something Weird compilation, and "The Hot Pearl Snatch" (I wonder if the Cramps named their song after this?), is a really bizarre and fascinating short which is completely incoherent. Despite the fact that this last short lacks "Psyched by the 4D Witch"'s psychedelic imagery, it is just as jaw-dropping. So although this is not one of Something Weird's best DVDs, and many viewers might not enjoy "The Naked Witch" as much as I did, it is still worth getting for this short.

I can't say anything good about the movie "The Naked Witch" other than it would have made good Mystery Science Theater 3000 material. In terms of shear volume, the DVD is a good buy, but don't buy this for the quality of the content!

So why was I waiting for this? Claude Alexander, the producer of this movie, was a second cousin of mine. I remember back then him talking to my father about the financing and telling stories about getting it past city censors. It was great to hear the interview on the DVD. He thought as little about the movie then as he did on the DVD. For him it was just a way to put food on the table. I was too young to see the movie when it was released, but I was certainly curious! Claude died last July, 2006.

Who cares what the plot is, who cares what quality exists in the acting? The question is will I see a woman naked? The answer to both movies is yes. If you're trying to find a movie that will satisfy your lust for female nudity in 1970's genre films, buy this DVD and may I suggest the first time you watch it, try to be the only one home. You might not want other people in the room when you see this movie for about half a dozen times viewing it. These two movies aren't going to win awards, but I gave them both a stand up recommendation. Women will hate this DVD, men will love it.

These are two rare regional hottor movies that something wierd dug up for all of those rare horror film fans: people like me. If you aren't a fan ,or at least open minded to cheaply made horror movies by regional directors and actors , many of whom are first timers then you shouldn't buy this. But these movies are great fun and deserve to be released on dvd. The many trailers are great fun too as well as the rare short films. ALthough "virgin witch' is a higher budget and better made movie than most of the other flicks in the trailer sections. The first movie from 1961 is in ed wood's early style of filmmaking with a first person narative and a interesting preambe to the movie, which is a history of witches that lasts about 7 minutes! and that's in a 59 minute movie!.
the prints on these movies are not too bad and the later movie from the 1970's looks the best. These are very low budget movies made far away from any professional studio town, but they have their own primitive charm. Hopefully many of the other movies like 'swamp girl' that are featured in the trailers will get released someday by 'something wierd" as well. These are not good traditional movies but they are ok low bugdet cult horror films from way down south and that's good enough.

First, I can knock off Naked Witch with one word: BORING! The running time is listed as 59 minutes, which is roughly 50 minutes of total filler (a pseudo history lesson, the witch swimming, the witch dancing, all mostly NOT naked) and nine minutes of actual story. Watching this felt like an hour and 59 minutes. The title is definitely false advertising - the witch is naked for two or three minutes, so if that is the appeal, forget it. OK, so that wasn't just one word. Give this one star.

Next up is Crypt of Dark Secrets, which surprisingly I thought was pretty good. The story kinda sorta maybe made a little sense, the cinematography was decent, and the acting isn't terrible. Plus vastly superior nude dancing here. I give this one three stars.

So average those two out and you have a two star DVD, but the extras pull that up to my three star rating. I can't say that I have seen absolutely everything they threw onto this disc, but there is quite a bit, and at least some of it is exactly the kind of entertainment you buy a DVD like this for. In particular, the Something Weird previews are always fun to watch.

This Something Weird disc is a double feature containing the witchcraft/voodoo themed movies THE NAKED WITCH and CRYPT OF DARK SECRETS. The Naked Witch starts with a narration of the "history" of witchcraft while showing old drawings of demons and witches. Then a nerd goes to an old German town and proceeds to wake the "naked" witch from her grave. She proceeds to kill a few people while also swimming in the nude during her downtime.

Crypt of Dark Secrets features Damballa, a stripper-like dancing witch who helps a Vietnam vet when he is almost killed by three goofballs trying to steal his fortune. Along with the help of a voodoo psychic, Damballa takes her revenge on the hapless fiends. Along with the main features, this disc contains a TON of voodoo/witchcraft related extra material. First there are two seperate commentary tracks for The Naked Witch. One is with director Larry Buchanan and the other is with producer Claude Alexander.

Next there are three TV Spots. Two for Naked Witch and one for Crypt. Each is about 30 seconds. Also included are bunch of voodoo related short subjects. The shorts run anywhere from just over a minute to over 30 minutes long. The list includes Witch Doctor, Afro-Cuban Genii, Voodoo Virgin, Temple Dance, S'rehtom Gigam, Acid Skull, & The Hot Pearl Snatch. Most of these contain semi-nude girls doing freaky dances. Acid Skull has a floating skull tormenting a topless girl on an acid-trip.

There's also a bunch of kooky and entertaining trailers. These include Bourbon Street Shadows, The Dead Ones, The Devil's Garden, Hot Pants Holiday, Indecent Desires, Macumba Love, Naked Evil, Swamp Girl, The Virgin Witch, Voodoo Village, Voodoo Women, Witchcraft, and The Witch's Curse. Lastly you get Gallery of Naked Witch Photos & Exploitation Art(2:27) along with Gallery of Ghoulish Cosmic Cover Art with music by The Dead Elvi(8:45). Most of the comic covers feature near-naked buxom ladies in precarious positions.

Better than I thought it would be!
If you like b-movies you will love this.