Customer Reviews

The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment

5 star:		(46)
4 star:		(8)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

Thank heaven for this book! This book spoke to me on a very personal level. I would have never guessed that I come from a covertly Narcissistic family system. My family was perfect - or so it seemed from the outside (and even from the inside!). We never fought, we never argued, we never had disagreements. My parents told me and my brothers that they loved us. For 37 years, I believed the family myth. We were the perfect family.

But, the "perfect family" label never felt quite right to me. Even though I was told I was loved, I was also told that I "needed more attention" as a child, was a "difficult" teenager, and more recently that I have "emotional problems" (for daring to speak up about a glaring boundary issue). For years I even believed that I WAS a difficult kid until I started to remember my childhood. I remember my perfect father was an alcoholic who was largely absent and almost totally unavailable emotionally. I remember my mom insisted that we never express "negative" feelings. We were expected to always be positive and happy and if we weren't then we were chided for being selfish and ungrateful. If we were sad or disappointed, we were expected to "walk it off" and told that we should "stop crying" or they would "give us something to cry about". We were told that other (less well-adjusted and unhappy) people "just didn't get it" and we were instructed to pity those people.

How is it that a kid who gets good grades, is compliant and respectful, doesn't smoke, do drugs or have sex, and whose only goal is to go to college a difficult teenager? The answer is found in this book - that she lives in a dysfunctional family system that defines any small statement of independence as an act of disrespect.

In the book, the author defines the narcissistic family system - the "parent system" takes precedence over the "child system". Children raised in these families grow up to believe that they are wrong to experience fear, anger, sadness and frustration because their feelings are never validated. Instead, they are made to feel guilt and shame if they express any needs that conflict with the needs of the parents or are simply inconvenient for the parents. Speaking of my own situation, I even feel guilty writing this down because even mentioning it seems like a betrayal!

I have found out the hard way what happens if you threaten or disrupt the family myth. Not only do the parents punish you, but other family members are enlisted to keep you in line. Heaven help you if you stand up for yourself and decide to define yourself on your own terms. Heaven help you if you create reasonable boundaries to protect your husband and your children from their intrusive behavior, lies and abusive manipulations. In the narcissistic family open and respectful communication is never an option.

The authors of this book describe so many important aspects of this family dynamic. The case examples are an integral part of understanding how the family myth is enforced and how compliance is ensured. I would highly recommend this book to anyone who has been made to feel selfish, disrespectful, ungrateful, or "emotionally unstable" in their family. These should be red flags to you that there is something wrong with the "perfect" picture. Another great book that I would like to recommend is "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward - which explains in detail the tools that the narcissistic family members use to manipulate and control.

I want to thank the authors from the bottom of my heart for helping me understand my family and ultimately myself better. I'm struggling with losing the myth (it was beautiful). But I'm grateful that at least I had enough foresight to marry a normal, kind, loving man who is also the best father I know.

My only criticism of the book is that I wish there was more specific advice about how to deal with common interactions during holidays or birthdays (if one chooses to maintain some minimal contact). Now that we know what the problem is, what can we do about it?

Thank you again for this wonderful book!

Thank goodness I found a wonderful therapist who told me that my family was narcissistic. Then I found this book on amazon (it wasn't what my therapist recommended though). I needed a book that was not autobiographical, I needed to hear many stories of others lives with covert and overt male and female narcissistic abuse, in order to unlock myself from my disbelief. Finished it last night, still crying this morning, but I know things are going to be uphill for me from here. This book was written by therapists for therapists but I got so much out of it, I would recommend this highly for any adults recovering from "N" abuse who have had at least some therapy. As a victim I found that some of the techniques and methods described for recovery very helpful. (The Lavender Saphire is one of them) There are so many very specific things included in the Pressmans book that really touched home for me, opening doors and fitting puzzles together that had been unsoved for a lifetime. My book is filled with my highlights and dogears,well worth many times its listed price.

Read It! If you come from an emotionally dysfunctional family of any degree, this is the book to read. You will gain insights into why you carry feelings of worthlessness, why intimacy alludes you, why you feel driven . . . You will be given alternative ways to view yourself, to communicate with others, and to experience life. By the end of the book you will have the framework to realize the unique treasure that you truly are.

The book is written (and priced) for professionals, but is very readable and user friendly. I wish I had come across it sooner. It would have saved me agonizing hours spent trying to pigeonhole my family's particular dysfunction(s). the Narcissistic family is the one with the parental system that for what ever reason - job streee, alcoholism, mental illness, sel-centered immaturity - centers around meeting the needs of the adults. It is the family that to some degree or another most of us grew up in. By reading Pressman's book and following the exercises, you can begin to fill the holes whether great or small in your own childhoood experience and begin to enjoy a fulfilling adult life.

This book is amazing. As someone who's read a lot of psychology, popular psychology, and self-help literature, I can say that this book is a clear standout. What differentiates it from most books of this type is the clinical expertise and experience of its authors, and its grounding in contemporary psychological theory. Everything in this book is both useful and well-justified. There is no "fluff" or "filler" (in contrast to a typical pop psych book that has, perhaps, one good idea and 300 pages of redundant or obvious material). I am reading it for the third time and still absorbing it.

The book is very detailed in (1) describing the consequences of growing up in a narcissistic family, and (2) providing specific techniques for addressing these problems. Although the book is written by clinical psychologists for clinical psychologists (and would obviously be very useful in that regard), I also think it would be very, very helpful for just about anyone struggling with these issues.

This is the only book I have ever reviewed on Amazon. I was motivated to do so because this book can be life changing.

The Narcissistic Family has been a book of great help and insight to me. Like other reviewers said, the authors are very kind and did not clog up their writing with psychobabble. Now, I finally have an idea of my own upbringing and family. I am from a covertly narcissistic family and many told me about how wonderful my family was when I was growing up. Those people did not know the inside story about what daily life could be life. I have often felt blamed by my family unfairly. Not that I belive I am perfect, but they always seemed to minimize the roles of others in problems/conflicts and maximize mine. If I ever put an emotional demand on them, they often put me down or gave out sterile advice in a rude, condescending way. There was a large lack of communication between my parents and I can remember several instances of verbal abuse between them. Something was not right, but I could not put my finger on it until I found this book
Two techniques that really helped are the "notebook" exercise and the "lavender sapphire." I also have really benefited from the Pressmans' assertiveness model: I feel....I want. Simple, direct and right to the point. This book has really helped me set limits in a positive way as well.
This book is a bit on the pricey side, but well worth it. I recommend it to all who have issues related to family upbringing and in particular to those from covertly narcissistic families so that they may finally be validated and understood.
Once again, such a great find!

Prior to reading this book, I had been saying, for two years running, "this is the year of learning to set boundaries," but to no avail. Perhaps there were many reasons I was unable to implement the solution to so many of the problems that I had. But, unquestionably, after reading this book, I finally was able to start setting boundaries like a black belt! What difference did this book make? It explained why I felt so reluctant, so unjustified, in setting boundaries. I didn't own and respect my feelings, my gut responses, because, virtually for my entire life, I've been suppressing my feelings and redirecting them at the behest -- real or imagined -- of a narcissistic parent or partner. Today, because of my reading of this book, I make no apologies for the way I feel. And, because of that, I am swift and unapologetic in setting boundaries. Needless to say, my social circles have changed. But, undoubtedly, for the better. Two enthusiastic thumbs up!!

I bought this book a few years ago and I've read other books since then about narcissism. This book is hands down the best book I've ever read to describe how narcissism affects a family. As the child of two narcissistic parents, this book helped me to understand things that hadn't made sense and accept some difficult truths. It is unique in that it deals with a narcissistic family system rather than focusing just on the narcissist. I cannot recommend this book highly enough.

I've read many books on the symptoms of depression (people-pleasing, anxiety attacks, passive-aggressive behavior, emotional unavailablity, anger, shame, etc.), but this book finally exposes the root of my depression. It's very difficult and painful to come to the realization that one's parents are not emotionally available to their children (especially after having had a "wonderful childhood"). But as the writers explain through several helpful examples, blame is completely unnecessary for one's own healing to take place. Until I read this book I can honestly say I was completely unable to see my family's dysfunction. The examples given were like manna from heaven on something I could never quite put my finger on, but knew in my heart wasn't quite right. The writers also do a superb job on managing future expectations for those of us who come from these families in the section titled "going back to the well." It is with great joy and a tremendous sense of relief at having many of the pieces put together for me after having found this book.

I bought this based on the ratings, hoping it would give me concrete, helpful understanding and advice. It was worth every penny. Another book, Children of the Self-Absorbed, opened the door for me to understanding narcisim in a family, but this went deeper, was clearer, more specific, and much more helpful. The book is written for therapists but is quite readable. The authors talk about children from families where "nothing was really wrong," but the children still show evidence of symptoms similar to children of alcoholics. It is not a hunt to find a narcissist in the family, it is a light to show that for whatever reasons, (stress, workaholism, tragedy, mental or physical illness, depression, selfishness, etc.) a family can become narcissistic so that everyone is focused on the needs of one or both of the parents, so the children have to take care of their parents, and there is no one taking care of them. Not having needs met and not being able to feel safe and nurtured can have tremendous lasting effects. This explores the effects, ways to accept the past, learn how the defense mechanisms that protected us before can be released and replaced with new, more helpful patterns to change the present and future. The book is positive, it is extremely helpful, it gives specific examples and activities, and it is all about healing. It's not about blaming or personal agendas. It reflects the wisdom of study, experience, caring, and a clear, helpful vision. I have been reading self-help books for years, and this is definitely one of the most important and helpful I have ever read. It's dense, not a light read, but it is absolutely worth the effort.

I ordered this book as part of my ongoing attempt to understand my husband and his family dynamics. By page two or three, I suddenly realized it was about MY family and MY childhood. I could not stop reading and highlighting. My copy looks like a rainbow now.

Now, after all these years of trying to understand my reactions (& non-reactions) and my inability to express emotions and feelings until long after the fact, I have answers and workable solutions.

I wish I'd found this book long ago, but perhaps now I can do some productive work. Hopefully, I will be able to get my husband to read it as well.