Customer Reviews

Nasty Men

5 star:		(8)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

This book is excellent. It helped me realize the personality types of men and that they won't change ( unless they want to). After being in 2 relationships that were described in this book, I now know that you can change and find a decent man. You just have to look a little harder. It also has tips on how to deal with the man that is of the personality types listed. It is a must read book.

Very good and thought provoking analysis of abusive relationships. The author seems to have a good understanding of the fact that abuse does not require physical damage. Although he starts out with an offensive reference to the abuser who "may be hurting you big time (having and affair) or just a little (putting you down)...", later in the book he seems to get it that just "putting you down" can be the most insideous and damaging kind of abuse. I highly recommend the book for both men and women. Even though most of the references to the abuser are in the male gender, the author acknowledges that abusers ("nasty people") can be of either gender.

I was in an abusive love relationship for twelve years, that finally ended when my husband walked out on myself and my 6 month old baby (I had quit my job, and he decided I was no longer financially useful for him).
I really considered taking this person back when he found out he couldn't keep all our assets in the divorce, and then I read this book. This is him! You won't believe how well this book describes your nasty man. The book is very clear that THIS PERSON WON'T CHANGE. It was these words that gave me the courage not to take him back.

I highly reccomend this book - I can't say enough good things about it.

Jay does a good job of telling women what he would do if he were an abused woman, but he is neither abused nor a woman. He writes with the power and authority that men naturally have in this society. If all women were to follow his advise and become more assertive with their battering men, some would find their situations improve, some would see no change, and some would end up dead.

Jay belittles abused women when he writes, "The amazing thing is that no matter what you tell them, what you do, or what fifty million other people tell them, some women just won't leave. Somehow, the relationship is like a drug for these women." This statement demonstrates a remarkable lack of empathy and adds another voice of critism that abused women get from innocently ignorant people all the time.

Perhaps a good book for some, but not one I will be passing out to the abused women who are my clients.

After reading this book and puting the advice given within it into action, my relationship was reformed.

While reading the book, I used a yellow highlighter to mark parts of the book I did not want to forget, and found that I had about 60% of the book highlighted!

You'll find yourself saying "Oh my, this is HIM, its exactly how HE acts!" (if your man tends to be "Nasty"). You'll learn more here than 10 sessions in therapy.

I was so devastated when my husband left with no explanation. He said it was all my fault, & I could not figure out what I could have done wrong to make him leave. I accepted all the blame. Untill I read this book & I woke up one morning so emancipated & relieved and happy because I realized it wasn't me, it was him! And even though he never hit me I was in an abusive, manipulating, & controlling relationship for 9 1/2 years & really didn't realize it because it was subtle, gradual, over a period of time. He studied me & became caculating, ambivalent, & deceptive. If it wasn't for this book & my logic it would've taken me longer to get over this. Because I was so loving & kind I didn't believe there are people who are evil, & especially to someone they are supposed to love! The intelligent woman that I was, was lost, however I found her & will never lose her again. & thanks to this book will be able to spot the signs so it won't happen again. It's a must read, not just for women, for everyone!

For the connoisseur of sexist double standards, this book and "Nasty Women" are both a real treat.

In "Nasty Men" the author states that one should never base your self-esteem on another's opinion. However in "Nasty Women" it is evident that Jay considers it acceptable and correct for a man to base his self-esteem on a woman's estimation of him. He goes on to say it is acceptable for a woman to have control over a man's self-esteem and to use that control to motivate said man into accepting and attempting to achieve the expectations and standards she sets out for him.

One of the women in "Nasty Women" describes her husband thus: "When we first married he was a slob, ignorant and irresponsible. He's much better now." Her husband believed, on the other hand, that she liked him better during the initial stages of the relationship, suggesting her highly critical behavior was reserved for later on. In other worlds, she built him up early on in the relationship only to tear him down later on.

In "Nasty Men" Jay outlines the profile of an `invalidator'. An invalidator focuses on the flaws of their spouse--oops, sorry, got a bit gender neutral there--their _wife_. An invalidator praises their spouse--gets them addicted to the self-esteem boost they provide--then tears them down.

Of course from "Nasty Women" we see that when a wife focuses on the flaws of her husband, builds him up in the initial stages of the relationship, only to cut him down later on, this is not at all abusive, but appropriate behavior. Jay explicitly outlines this very strategy for women to wield influence over their husbands. He advises women to offer praise then criticize. To build their husbands up then tear them down.

If we translate the advice given in "Nasty Women" into the descriptions given in "Nasty Men" Jay is advising women to be abusive invalidators! His only caveat is that women moderate their invalidation so that men don't turn off completely--In order to prevent men from waking up to the abuse and exiting the relationship emotionally, women must remember to moderate their invalidation with praise. Interestingly, waking up to the abuse and exiting the relationship emotionally is exactly the strategy he advises women to do when confronted with a male `invalidator.'

Reversing this, let's imagine Jay implied it was acceptable for men to set the standards of behavior and conduct for their wives, then said men should use their control over their wives' self esteem to motivate them to achieve those standards. Then he said that men shouldn't be too invalidating, or their wives will catch on and take steps to protect themselves emotionally. Horrifyingly sexist? Yes it is. But here's a wake-up call. It's sexist BOTH ways. And only one is being advocated by the author.

Finally, some mention is made of the reason why women become nasty--previous emotional abuse, trauma, etc. Little mention is made of the possibility men might become nasty due to some previous trauma (One description mentioned an `overbearing[abusive] mother'.)

It's obvious Jay is speaking to a female audience for both books. (Strangely enough.) I'm afraid I don't think I'm his intended audience, despite being female, because I find his double-standards to be ghastly. I appreciate ugly and horrific things for their sheer shock value--thus the five star rating--but in terms of actual relationship advise I'd steer clear of these `gems'.

What I mean by not being the best at being helpful is that Jay shows all the characteristics of a nasty man but not so much is given to what you can do about it, or him. there is a bit of info on that but superficial. My personal objective would be how to get some behavior change going on in him. I say that for many women who love their nasty man or cannot walk out due to a myrid of reasons. For those of you who disagree please reseach out how many women are in thise situations. I would like to see something I could give him that he could relate to and see what he is doing to me and be ablle to identify with that. I do not see this book doing that.

This is by far the very best, right to the point and fairest book on this subject I have ever read! It's is small in volume, but powerful on words. I would highly rcommend this book to someone who is honestly willing to unlearn and learn some bad habits about men and relationships. Gave me keen discernement about being used in a give and take healthy friendship/relationship w/the opposite sex, and being downright abused by the same. It's a definite keeper in my personal library!

Without having read this book, I can tell it is valuable for its insight from the reviews offered. Having lived with an "innocently harmful, but uncaring "nasty" man" for 30 years, any book that attempts to reveal the uselessness of trying to get through and change the behavior of men or alert women who put up with them in a world that ignores, supports or encourages such behavior must be worthwhile. There have been few joys in trying to deal with such a person and women need to listen to their instincts before they become so entrenched in life with such people. The only way to accomplish that is to disassociate their conduct with those of men in general so that women can differentiate those who are safe to become attached to. We females have done little about challenging the propriety and authority of men to teach younger women about the differences in nasty or ugly, controlling men who do not like women and tender, warm and loving men who do like women. I also think that it is the responsibility of men to make that effort to teach about the differences. Why should all men get a bad reputation because of the behavior of some? Likewise, why should all women get a bad reputation because of the behavior of some? It is a personality profile that has escaped review too often hidden within the cadre of gender ignorance. Much of that is due to the fact that we idolize and make perceptions based upon outward appearance rather than scrutinizing, praising and celebrating the person within. In our power-driven competitive society where finance is king, the qualities that matter to provide intimate and satisfying relationships are often obscured by the facade or veneer that people try to project to live up to those images. Young women are often naive and vulnerable to the hype that draws them in since they've often come from sheltered families where their Dads were sheltering and nurturing and appropriately loving. Because many of these people do not "display" until after their victims are "safely caught under their control" it is a difficult social problem for the men or women who need to recognize and escape from such persons. Because it is a universal problem and not confined to gender, the personal qualities and tactics that people use to cultivate intimate relationships need far more analysis, evaluation and publicity so that people can learn to recognize the danger signals of controlling people, or bullies - male or female. Somewhere in the transition from childhood to adulthood, we lose the ability to make that distinction, often due to the social marketing that accompanies dating and mating dynamics. Size, brains, wealth or beauty that comes with its own automatic hammer is not much of a bargain when you have to pay with the quality of your very short life!