Customer Reviews

Nasty People: How to Stop Being Hurt by Them without Stooping to Their Level

5 star:		(41)
4 star:		(20)
3 star:		(3)
2 star:		(4)
1 star:		(6)

 

 

Wow! That's what I have to say about this book, after having been raised in the Dale Carnegie "How to Win Friends and Influence People" and Maxwell's "21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership" School of human relations. That school of thought prescribes that you treat others with respect and dignity, expect the best of others, protect others, and lead through positive example.

What lead me to this book is not everyone responds to the above, and whenever I encountered deception, insincerity, or deceit, I always assumed it was a result of my personal leadership shortcomings.

After reading this book, I think I've experienced my share of invalidators, both those I've worked for, and subordinates (who attempt to use the invalidation techniques described in the book to subtly manipulate). And in retrospect, I've probably been guilty of some of the invalidation techniques described in the book.

Just as Carter states in the book that some people have personality disorders, and some people are criminals AND have personality disorders (i.e. the former doesn't excuse the latter), he also makes the distinction of those who unintentionally slip into invalidation behavior, and those who are hardcore, guilt-free INVALIDATORS.

BOTTOMLINE: I'd highly recommend this book to anyone trying to understand others, whether for leadership or just to improve personal relations. It's a quick read and Carter's writing style is engaging and entertaining while remaining of topic.

I bought this book at a store on a whim because I wanted to learn more techniques for dealing with "Nasty People." Instead, it was a book that identified "invalidators" over and over and over. The only definition that I'm left with is: Invalidators are people who make you feel bad. I don't see why there had to be pages upon pages of defining people who, basically, make you feel bad. Especially since, it only takes one sentence.

I was looking for practical examples and suggestions on dealing with nasty people and instead I found an author who seems to have written a vendetta against anyone that has made him feel bad or question himself. I don't care about an author's problems--I do care about an informed person who has tried and true ways of dealing with nasty people.

The last chapter has SOME examples and ways to deal with nasty people, but he says it's up to the reader to find his (or her) own ways. O.K., well then, why did I buy your book? I did give this book two stars because it was an easy read and helped to identify "invalidators."

A suggestion to the author: Rename your book to "Nasty People: How to identify them and gain some knowledge in finding ways to deal with them."

The most disturbing thing about this book is the amount of glorious reviews it has here. In my opinion, it isn't good and I warn readers that you won't be buying a book on how to deal with nasty people, but how to identify them. I suggest that a potential customer shop around on Amazon more before considering buying this book.

Most the reviews on this site say things like "now I know all those mean people suck and I am a poor victim - thanks Jay" I would, however, like to thank the author of this book for pointing out that I am mean. Sure other people in my life are mean to me and control me, but I already knew that now didn't I. What this book taught me is that meaness is a circle; and I am in it constantly. I have to be the change I want to see in others. To meet mean with mean is well... just a nasty situation. So thank you Jay for giving me something to consider before making the choice to invalidate others. I can now change the world, because I can recongize and change me and my behavior.
I have found this very book to be a good way of dealing with mean people I love. If the oportunity arises, I give them a copy. I believe that most people are good people with bad habits. This book gives them a way to understand a highly misunderstood but very common bad habit. I have had very positive results giving this book away. So go get a few copies and give them to your dearest "invalidators". (PS. read the book yourself first)

To be sure one of the best concise self-help books. This book should be read by anyone who experiences frequent and serious conflicts. Hopefully, the "victim" and "the invalidator" will both be able to read it, it helps with both coping from the attacks and how to recognize the attacks. "Nasty People..." empowers the victim to understand they are not helpless and they too have a responsibility to solve the problems. Nasty people behave like this ultimately through their own choice, ("made" not "born") and thus, they can do something about it and change themselves.

An Excellent, ethical, helpful book. at this price, buy several copies!

Jay's book 'nasty people' should be compulsory reading for everybody. As I see it after 56 years of living, most of us suffer from varying degrees of 'low self-esteem',but although it can manifest itself in many ways, there are broadly 2 groups of people:
Those who feed their ego's by bullying others and keeping them on the run; the other group comprises of those who do not know how to deal with with such a situation and suffer, badly, as a result.
We rightfully support 'the judicary' against criminal acts such as burgulary and grievious bodily harm and the like, but where bullying or mental cruelty are concerned, such as Jay Carter discusses in this book, we are left almost entirely to our own defences (unless you learn from books such as this or 'enlightened' people).
Perhaps, that is how it should be, because from my experience the courts would be overflowing with cases such as these! Anyway, finding solutions on how to deal with oppressive, rude and nasty people can be looked upon as a necessary part of our development to true maturity.
But beware! Jay rightfully points out that although we might be suffering badly at the hands of an Invalidator, we too, just might be doing the same to other, weaker, less able, people than ourselves.
My small mongrel dog shows me daily that this is the case. When coming into contact with larger, more confident, dogs she cowers and whimpers; however, when contacting some smaller dogs she quickly susses them out and can even become aggressive. I make no apologies for comparing cannine behaviour with human behaviour. Although, in my opinion, dogs are far more predictable and frequently have nicer personalities
My reason for awarding Jay's book only 4 stars was simply that he did not go sufficiently into why people allow themselves to be invalidated.
My theory is that much 'blame' can be laid at the door of mainstream religion. My Christian experiences taught me to 'turn the other cheek' or show 'love'and hope that the Invalidator's attitude will change to treating people fairly. This may work in some incidences, but in general terms it often fails. I feel that more often than not this is the road to frustration, exasperation and further loss of confidence. Christianity has a lot to answer for in this respect!
No,practice standing-up for yourself and gradually you will increase your own self confidence. As a bonus, you will also be 'helping' the Invalidator to change his or her approach to human relations by thinking twice before acting ignorantly.
This is a good book Jay. It is as relevant today as it was when first written.
See also, Dr Paul Hauck's book 'how to cope with people who drive you crazy'. An excellant help too.

Yes, I am the author of this book. I have no axe to grind. No ego to protect. No royalties to protect. This book is over twelve years old and still selling. I have received thousands of letters and I have read every one. To date there were 3563 good letters, and three bad ones. Am I reviewing my own book? No. Hell. It is only good if people THINK it is. I am reviewing ... my reviews. Based on some of these reviews, it seems my book has ticked off a couple people. I may have offended "Invalidators" by making them psychologically naked and vulnerable. I think I might write a ... kinder-gentler book if I wrote it today. I feel badly that some reviewers took offense. "Invalidators" are who they are because someone ALREADY beat them down. Even so, I have no regrets for writing this book, which has now been read by over 3/4 million people. Am I saying that only an invalidator would criticize my book? Absolutely not. You judge that for yourself based on the review and the conflicting reviews.
But if someone is controlling and suppressive to their mate, and that mate happens to read my book, and takes the next bus out of town ... it wasn't my BOOK that is to blame. I say this to be truthful, not to be "right" about it. And yes, my book makes a person feel much better by identifying the source of the problem, AND could use more concrete solutions as the Dr. from Wales so honestly noted. Maybe it's time for a revised edition. I have learned more in the last 12 years.
Thank you for reading my review of the reviews.

Dr. Jay

Four years ago I nearly took my life. After desperately reading books looking for answers, my brother found "Nasty People". He called me and told me to hang on until I could get the book! Within hours the book had made sense of what had happened to my world, which had been so cruelly turned upside down. Each sentence brought me peace of mind, that I indeed was not crazy. I had no idea there were "Nasty People". I could not explain to anyone what this person was doing to me. I looked like the crazy one. Jay Carters book was short enough, it could be read by those close to me and they could understand and see what was happening! I am still dealing with that person, but I am indeed dealing with him and have helped him to be a "Good Person". Jay Carters book is invaluable.

It is interesting to read Mr. Carter's review of his own book. At the risk of seeming a mind reader, he seems a little defensive, almost apologetic, about his work. He need not be. Those of us who have "been there" will understand this book, and we will also recognize the constant second-guessing of ourselves and our thoughts we all do. We have, after all, been told for years (some of us throughout our lifetimes) that we are just too sensitive -- we just can't take a joke. Even after several best-sellers, perhaps Mr. Carter is still looking over his shoulder, wondering if he has been too hard on the ghosts of his past. That's oddly comforting to me, in only my third real month of "recovery." It's a reminder that our experiences are real, even though they "never hit me," as I am so often reminded by those who don't understand. Mr. Carter's book lacks the depth and detail of similar books, and I am still in the stage where I'd like a little more eye-poking (Mr. Carter is, if anything, too kind to those who hurt), but the short chapters and quick "lessons" are a good refresher for those days we witnesses need a postive boost -- those days when our abusers (and that's what they are, let's not pull punches) are scratching at our door begging for more.

If you need to learn how to deal with nasty people, destructive personalities,cult figures, and yes sociopaths read this book. This book outlines and goes into great details about the tactic nasty people use called invalidation. Everyone at young age is confronted with invalidation.
Personally, I have met and worked with some heavy duty invalidation in the work place and the funeral arrangement conference. Pages 63-65 diagrams on the cycle of invalidation make the book worth the purchase. "The chapter (4) what do we do about it?" is most helpful. There are detailed lists about how to handle invalidation. I give the book four stars because the book needs more details and explanations in Chapter 4.

The author's review of his own book states:
"Based on some of these reviews, it seems my book has ticked off a couple people. I may have offended "Invalidators" by making them psychologically naked and vulnerable... Am I saying that only an invalidator would criticize my book? Absolutely not. You judge that for yourself based on the review and the conflicting reviews."
There are about 3 negative reviews and about 31 positive reviews, so who is he referring to as "invalidators"? Obviously, it isn't the positive reviewers. He is using his manipulative "invalidator" techniques to make negative reviewers subliminally believe they are "invalidators."

As for my review, I honestly didn't get much from this book, other than the author's validation that I work with an "invalidator" (Ooops! I wasn't supposed to call him an "invalidator," even though the author does), who is what he is. I found too much double talk in the author's book and his own review. I agree with Dr. Crabb's opinion that this book could cause people to become paranoid. Some of the examples are so generalized and minor, that it could cause distress to an insecure person. The author uses several personal experiences as examples of invalidation. When he took his young son to a wake, his son started humming a ditty. The author began thinking to himself that he didn't know the kid. That was the example. SO??? He didn't tell his son that he was an idiot or rude or anything. It was just a thought. He wasn't invalidating his son. Another example of the author's personal invalidation is when he was cut off by a driver in traffic. He became very angry and rode the bumper of the other driver until he became frightened because he took the incident personally. We're all human. When people endanger other's lives unnecessarily, most human beings will become angry. I was looking for information related to extreme invalidation, but I didn't find it here. I found that some of the suggestions for dealing with invalidators can have severe consequences. As an office manager, I need to know what to do about a company partner who screams at a secretary for being late for 5 minutes when she has come to the office early every day for a year and hasn't been absent for a day and will work late without pay. I know I could find another job, but I also know that this behavior will continue in my absence, so I'm trying to fix a problem. I'm happy for the people who found this book insightful, but I didn't.