Necessary Dreams: Ambition in Women's Changing Lives (Hardcover)

~ (Author)

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

While a psychiatrist's study of the "vital role of ambition in women's changing lives" hardly sounds like absorbing reading, this book by Fels, an occasional science writer for the New York Times and other popular media, is surprisingly interesting. After introductory comments about how life has changed for modern women, thanks to increased longevity, birth control and other factors, Fels raises a curious question: why do women still feel anxious or evasive about admitting to having ambitions, but men don't? The answer lies in understanding that ambition has two components: the mastery of some specific skills and the recognition of that mastery by others. While many professions have opened to women in the 20th century, allowing them to learn a variety of skills, Fels says, women have still not found a plethora of sources for recognition, or ways of being valued by others for the special skills they've acquired. Lacking "sustaining affirmation," women sometimes settle for mere attentionâ€"sexual attention being the easiestâ€"or "recognition by proxy," reflected glory from the accomplishments of husband or children. Men, on the other hand, Fels finds, have traditionally had a wide range of sourcesâ€"colleagues, mentors, friends, family, spouseâ€"for "affirming attention." As Fels examines the mixed messages women get about claiming recognition (especially the taboos on outshining one's husband or appearing less than devoted to child-rearing), women readers may see their own goal problems more clearly. This book isn't sexy, nor is it self-help, but career womenâ€"or anyone raising smart daughters to do big thingsâ€"will find a lot within its pages to think about and discuss.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

From The New Yorker

Why is it that women who can talk about anything find it so hard to talk about ambition? In this insightful study, Fels, a psychiatrist, argues that women fear—correctly—that seeking recognition will expose them to attacks on everything from their sexuality to their sanity. Although women now have access to schools and jobs, "social resources" like affirmation, support, and simple encouragement are jealously guarded male preserves. Recognition, Fels writes, is something that makes us better at what we do, and without it ambitions die. She comes down firmly on the side of working mothers, and advises those who choose full-time motherhood to get a "pre-nate" contract. She has no patience for "difference feminists," who she thinks simply rationalize women's subordinate position. According to Fels, the barriers are practical, not innate; the problem isn't the poverty of women's "chimerical" ambitions—"half plan, half dream"—but "the miserable job that they're stuck in."
Copyright © 2005 The New Yorker

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 320 pages
• Publisher: Pantheon; 1 edition (April 6, 2004)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0679442448
• ISBN-13: 978-0679442448
• Product Dimensions: 9.6 x 6.5 x 1.2 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.4 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (13 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #598,712 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

26 of 27 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Brilliant, but More -- Wise, May 5, 2004

By	Indienne - See all my reviews

How many women do you know who have a hard time claiming their own path and fulfilling their gifts? Who do all the work and let others take the credit? Anti-feminists argue that women lack ambition and drive, or care more, in the end, about taking care of their families. Drawing on a wealth of new research and her own psychiatric practice, Fels argues that ambition is social: women, like men, need positive reinforcement from others for their work (praise, attention, appreciation, reward, advancement), but, unlike men, are discouraged in many ways from seeking it, or even acknowledging its importance.
Not a self help book -- there are no Ten Steps to a Better You in these pages --Necessary Dreams will help you think about your life in new and maybe surprising ways. It's the perfect answer to the ongoing backlash against feminism that has done so much to make women feel guilty for wanting things men take for granted. The writing is a joy, too--clear, trenchant, and witty.

19 of 19 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Every woman should read this, July 17, 2005

By	A. Lee (Los Angeles, CA) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

This review is from: Necessary Dreams: Ambition in Women's Changing Lives (Paperback)

I am not the author's friend, nor do I know the author. This is a true and unbiased opinion on this book.

Okay, now that we got that out of the way (I am always wary of five star reviews myself), I just have to say that this is a great book. I first bought the book thinking it was a book on teaching woman how to be more ambitious. I am a pretty passive person in general. I lack drive and motivation, but have big dreams for myself. Yep, I'm also pretty lazy. So I was looking for a book to jumpstart my psyche so I can go out there and get what I want. Well, I didn't get that from this book. What I got was an eye-opening experience on why woman do the things they do, what drives them to do it, and a brief history of women's accomplishments and hardships through the centuries. I could not put this book down. While reading, I felt compassion, anger, hope, devastation, and a slew of other emotions that I haven't felt in a long time. I was finally understanding why I do the things that I do, why I defer to men all the time and let some of them run my life. This is a deeply psychological book, and the way it is written reminds me of a professional research paper. What I'm saying is, you really have to follow closely and pay attention to get the most out of it. It is definitely for the serious reader. So please, whether you are a woman or a man, you will benefit much from reading this fine work.

18 of 20 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Is ambition the dirtiest word in a woman's vocubulary?, April 15, 2004

By	Martha H. Garvey "book author" (Hoboken, NJ United States) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

Dr. Fels has managed to do several extraordinary things within the covers of this book. She has, first and foremost, told a great, if sometimes disheartening, story: the saga of middle class American women as the fourth generation of feminism is about to be born. Why does "ambition" remain a dirty word for so many glorious, accomplished women? What are the subtle, and not so subtle, cues in our culture that seem to dampen women's desire to be and do more? Why do mentors mean so much, and what happens when they disappear? Why did Madonna have such a damn big wedding, while Oprah bragged about having no wedding at all? This book provides the answers in beautifully written prose, and also functions, as the best therapy does, as a kind of catalyst for change.

It's also the rare scholarly psych book that's also...very funny. Fels' two-page takedown of John Gray's tired (and wildly flawed!) Mars/Venus formula will make you laugh...while you wince. Women of the Western world, read this book: you're not crazy, but you are tired and suffering from a kind of low-grade, ambition-sapping flu. This book provides a healing balm...and a bracing wakeup call.