30 of 32 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Very insightful...unraveling the myths of marriage, November 8, 2005
Although I think the author is still stuck with a bias in favor of marriage cf. divorce (or non-marriage), he does an excellent job of dismantling the myths about marriage and providing powerful suggestions on addressing the difficulties that those lies were designed to cover up.
"...more than 50% of all marriages in the U.S. end within the first 20 years of marriage."
"Men and women put up with limited gratification in their marriages because they had other more serious problems with which to contend." -in previous times when marriage was entered more for survival and not for personal satisfaction.
"...chronic depression is more common in married individuals than in singles."
"Indeed, it has exposed a universal truth: Historically, one of the most important glues keeping marriage together has been women's economic dependency on men."
"The single most powerful effect on marriage of women's new economic power is women's greater willingness to divorce."
"Recently, a Gallup Poll sponsored by Rutgers University's National Marriage Project found that, among people in their twenties, 87 percent believe that they will find a "soul mate" when they are ready to do so....I believe that the wish for unconditional love represents a new mythical solution to our common fears of abandonment...By all means, hold on to your ideal of unconditional love for your younger kids and puppies, but give it up when it comes to your marriage. Your spouse will not and should not accept everything you dish out, and neither should you."
"You're not really listening unless you're prepared to changed by what you've heard."
"Getting what you want in a marriage by coercion is a Pyrrhic victory at best because it simultaneously creates resentment in your spouse that silently undermines your relationship."
"Differentiation refers to the human ability to acknowledge and maintain a separate sense of self while still remaining closely connected to others."
"Most people change in relationships when they like the person they are changing for, feel cared for by the person requesting the change, understand why that person wants them to change, feel capable of the change being asked of them, and believe that the change does not imply a loss of power or position."
"As appalling as this may sound, resolution of marital problems sometimes comes from transforming the ineffective, manipulative threat of divorce into the thoughtful, realistic option to divorce."
"You must be able to stand firm in the belief that figuring out how to be part of the solution does not mean that you are the sole cause of the problem."
"The decision to behave fairly and agreeably, no matter how you continue to be treated by your loved one, is terrifying because this kind of self-control inevitably foretells greater maturity and differentiation of the self. It is self-empowerment. The inherent danger of unbalanced, unilateral maturation is that the less mature spouse rapidly becomes undesirable to the maturing partner."
"However, as I tell many of my patients, there are better ways to show your love for your family than by sacrificing your own life."
"If power cannot be used to cover up a problem or impose a solution, spouses often find that they have to deal with many more differences and incompatibilities than they expected."
"Agreeing to do something against your will can lead to marital unhappiness, even though it looks like progress has been made in settling a difference."
"No matter how strong they look, most men cannot tolerate feeling rejected or unloved by their wives."
"Though married women are considered about half as likely to have affairs as men are, many do have them, and working women, who have greater opportunity, may be as likely to stray as their male counterparts."
"One of the greatest dangers to marriage is complacency, which is fostered by foolishly maintaining a belief in the excessively romantic lies of soul mates and marital bliss."
"Social conventions and cultural traditions have allowed most of us to grow up believing that marriage is a much stronger interpersonal bond than it actually is. Today, there aren't enough external social forces holding couples together to permit most unsatisfying relationships to last a lifetime. The marital glue supplied by religious dogma is gone. The glue of the financial and emotional dependence of women is gone. The glue supplied by prevailing social attitudes and legal constraints is gone. The glue of the primacy of higher-order values like self-sacrifice is gone. The glue of community's and parental disapproval of divorce is mostly gone and, anyway, more or less irrelevant. The glue of believing that no one else out there has it any better than you is gone. The glue of thinking that you have to live with this person only for a little while longer is gone. The glue of believing that happiness is rare and unnecessary is gone. The result is that the only glue left to hold couples together is the glue created by the two of you-the glue of mutual satisfaction, gratification, appreciation, and respect-the glue of mature love. If you don't have this, or if you're deluding yourself into thinking you have it, then your marriage is in serious jeopardy."
I give this book five stars.
This is Dwight GoldWinde, living in Shanghai, China, author of "Courage: the Choice that Makes the Difference-Your Key to a Thousand Doors."
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