I Need Your Love - Is That True?: How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead [Box set, Audiobook] [Audio CD]

Byron Katie (Author, Reader)

Book Description

Publication Date: April 5, 2005

In Loving What Is, bestselling author Byron Katie introduced thousands of people to her simple and profound method of finding happiness through questioning the mind. Now, I Need Your Love—Is That True? examines a universal, age-old source of anxiety: our relationships with others. In this groundbreaking book, Katie helps you question everything you have been taught to do to gain love and approval. In doing this, you discover how to find genuine love and connection.

The usual advice offered in self-help books and reinforced by our culture advocates a stressful, all-consuming quest for love and approval. We are advised to learn self-marketing and manipulative skills—how to attract, impress, seduce, and often pretend to be something we aren’t. This approach doesn’t work. It leaves millions of walking wounded—those who, having failed to find love or appreciation, blame themselves and conclude that they are unworthy of love.

I Need Your Love—Is That True? helps you illuminate every area in your life where you seem to lack what you long for most—the love of your spouse, the respect of your child, a lover’s tenderness, or the esteem of your boss. Through its penetrating inquiry, you will quickly discover the falseness of the accepted ways of seeking love and approval, and also of the mythology that equates love with need. Using the method in this book, you will inquire into painful beliefs that you’ve based your whole life on—and be delighted to see them evaporate. Katie shows you how unraveling the knots in the search for love, approval, and appreciation brings real love and puts you in charge of your own happiness.


“Everyone agrees that love is wonderful, except when it’s terrible. People spend their whole lives tantalized by love—seeking it, trying to hold on to it, or trying to get over it. Not far behind love, as major preoccupations, come approval and appreciation. From childhood on, most people spend much of their energy in a relentless pursuit of these things, trying out different methods to be noticed, to please, to impress, and to win other people’s love, thinking that’s just the way life is. This effort can become so constant and unquestioned that we barely notice it anymore.

This book takes a close look at what works and what doesn’t in the quest for love and approval. It will help you find a way to be happier in love and more effective in all your relationships. What you learn here will bring fulfillment to all kinds of relationships, including romantic love, dating, marriage, work, and friendship.” —Byron Katie


From the Hardcover edition.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Katie reintroduces the form of self-questioning called "The Work" that she originally presented in Loving What Is, but here she tackles relationships—and what spoils them. According to Katie (writing with the help of Katz, who is also her agent), rather than seeking love and approval from others, you need to find them in yourself. What often blocks that love is one's perception of reality: "If you believe your stressful thoughts, your life is filled with stress. But if you question your thoughts, you come to love your life and everyone in it." "The Work" is central to the process of taking a judgmental thought—such as "my partner is supposed to make me happy"—and subjecting it to four powerful questions, such as "Is it true?" and "Who or what would I be without the thought?" Then Katie suggests turning the thought around and considering different options, such as making yourself happy and making your partner happy. Finally, she suggests ways to find love and acceptance in yourself. Katie's chatty style and her use of detailed dialogues and simple exercises will make many readers feel transformation is inevitable. (On sale Mar. 22)Forecast:A 15-city author tour should help launch this to the sales levels of Loving What Is (110,000 copies in cloth and paper).
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved. --This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

From Booklist

Katie's first self-help book, Loving What Is (2001), was a best-seller. This volume applies her method, called "the Work," and uses it to help readers resolve issues concerning love. The Work consists of asking oneself three questions about a troubling issue and then turning the premise around and asking the opposite questions. Adherents of this technique who read the first book probably don't need this one, since it covers much of the same territory. As before, the text takes the form of dialogues between Katie and those practicing the Work, thus demonstrating how asking the questions and evaluating the answers yield results. For instance, a woman who felt her father didn't love her gains insights about her own attitudes toward him and herself through asking not why didn't he love her but why didn't she love him. This technique seems so simple that it's hard to make a whole book out of it, but like most self-help gurus, Katie, with the aid of coauthor Katz, manages just fine. Ilene Cooper
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved --This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Audio CD
• Publisher: Random House Audio Dimensions; Abridged edition (April 5, 2005)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0739316990
• ISBN-13: 978-0739316993
• Product Dimensions: 5.1 x 1.1 x 5.9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 5.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (57 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #199,451 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #33 in Books > Books on CD > Parenting & Families > Interpersonal Relations

More About the Author

Byron Katie (she was born Byron Kathleen Reid, and everyone calls her Katie) discovered inquiry in 1986. Everything in this book comes from The Work of Byron Katie, her remarkable method for finding happiness and freedom. Katie has been traveling around the world for more than a dozen years teaching The Work directly to hundreds of thousands of people. In addition, she has introduced The Work into business settings, universities, schools, churches, prisons, and hospitals. Her website is www.thework.com, where you will find her schedule, articles about her, registration forms, and basic information about The Work.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

155 of 162 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Transformative!, June 22, 2005

By 

Janet Boyer "Author, Blogger, Radio Host" (Pennsylvania) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: I Need Your Love - Is That True? : How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead (Hardcover)

"When you say or do anything to please, get, keep, influence, or control anyone or anything, fear is the cause and pain is the result. Manipulation is separation, and separation is painful. Another person can love you totally in that moment, and you'd have no way of realizing it. If you act from fear, there's no way you can receive love, because you're trapped in a thought about what you have to do for love. Every stressful thought separates you from people." - Byron Katie

Now, more than ever, the "disease to please" runs rampant through every social, economic, and spiritual stratum. Whether seeking to please or appease a boss, parent, teacher, preacher, partner, child, friend, or god, many are on an all-consuming quest for love, appreciation, and approval. Even self-help books add to the striving, encouraging and teaching manipulative skills for attracting, impressing, and seducing others by pretending to be something we aren't.

To put it bluntly, these approaches do not work. Having failed to find love or appreciation from others, millions become the "walking wounded"-blaming themselves and concluding they are unworthy of love. Some authors or gurus go a step further, admonishing individuals to "love yourself" while never addressing the painful root that no amount of bubble baths, candles, or pampering can quell: uninvestigated thoughts.

Byron Katie's revolutionary process of inquiry has transformed thousands of lives across the globe. Featured in her first book Loving What Is - Four Questions That Can Change Your Life, "The Work" involves challenging the uninvestigated thoughts that rule our lives. These chaotic stories-which often begin with a "should"-are the source of havoc, discord, and suffering. When met with four simple questions, stressful thoughts and assumptions disappear, allowing individuals to see a situation-and the people in their lives-in an entirely different light.

In I Need Your Love - Is That True? Katie applies The Work to relationships and the pursuit of love, admiration and respect. Showing how to take charge of our own happiness, she provides a step-by-step process for inquiring into some of the most painful, foundational beliefs that entire lives are built upon. When exposing these thoughts to the bright light of inquiry, clarity, peace and authentic love emerges. We then realize that we already are everything we've been looking for. As Katie says:

"...once you question your thoughts, you discover that you don't have to do anything for love. It was all an innocent misunderstanding. When you want to impress people and win their approval, you're like a child who says, `Look at me! Look at me!' It all comes down to a needy child. When you can love that child and embrace it yourself, the seeking is over."

In the chapter titled The Relationship Workshop, Katie shares actual dialogues of inquiry where she asked the questions and people participating in her workshops and schools answered them. Here are a few of the assumptions they investigated together:

* My Husband Doesn't Care About Fixing Our Relationship
* I'm Unlovable
* My Parents Should Love and Appreciate Me
* My Spiritual Teacher Let Me Down
* I Want Tons of Approval
* My Father Treated Me Badly
* I'll Lose My Girlfriend if I Tell the Truth
* I Need Him to Understand Me
* My Love Should Give Me Sex

With penetrating wisdom, Katie shows us how to come to our own rescue and disentangle love from need. By embracing what is, we refuse to argue with reality. Ironically, we then realize that what we were pursuing was really there all along.

The Work has literally changed my life. One example has been with my son, who was diagnosed with PDD-NOS when he was 3 years old. On the autistic spectrum, my son's behavior-as well as my fretting about his future-brought me much grief and physical distress (including IBS). After investigating the expectations and edicts of "experts" and family, clear wisdom bubbled to the surface from inside. Peace replaced worry and confidence replaced paralysis. I am now able to meet my son with joy and acceptance, loving his uniqueness and beauty. His behavior has changed dramatically, and his amazing progress has been quantified by psychologists. (Not that it matters!) I am convinced that loving what is has provided an atmosphere where he can blossom and thrive-and so can my husband and myself.

Every time I experience a stressful thought that induces anxiety or suffering, I am armed with four simple questions that can literally turn a situation around on a dime.

The more you investigate your thoughts, the easier it gets. You begin to see things for what they really are-reclaiming an innocent, lovable self and the glorious life that you were meant to live. What I said of Katie's first book also holds true for I Need Your Love - Is That True?: it replaces all the self-help books on your shelf because inquiry is the key to emotional freedom and genuine, effortless love.

Janet Boyer, author of The Back in Time Tarot Book: Picture the Past, Experience the Cards, Understand the Present (coming Fall 2008 from Hampton Roads Publishing)

50 of 52 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars "It only takes one clear person to have a good relationship - and you are the one.", February 22, 2006

By 

Lisa Biskup "Lisa Biskup" (Port Townsend, WA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: I Need Your Love - Is That True?: How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead (Audio CD)

Katie is such a gift in this world! From a depressed, angry, fearful businesswoman and mother of three, living in the desert of California, to one of the most genuinely loving and real humans around, Katie offers us the opportunity to meet all our stresful thoughts with simple understanding and shows us how to achieve inner peace and clarity. In her first book, Loving What Is, Katie taught us a simple method of self-inquiry she calls The Work. The Work is four questions and what Katie calls a turnaround that can be applied to any thought that causes you stress, pain, frustration, anger and any negative emotion. If peace and happiness is what you are after, The Work is a fast ticket to that wonderful destination. The basic idea is that when we believe what we think, without asking ourselves, we suffer, and when we use The Work to question stressful thoughts, our mind opens and the effect of that is the heart opens as well.

In this new book, I Need Your Love - Is That True? Katie gives us lots of real-life examples of how The Work is being applied to relationship issues. No matter what type of relationship you are in, you may notice that you spend a lot of time wishing things were different. Does your boyfriend leave his dirty underwear lying on the floor? Does your girlfriend spend too much time with her friends and not you? Does your mom criticize you? Is your child "out of control?" These and so many other thoughts come into our mind and when we attach to them, thinking that "s/he or they" should be different, we suffer. And, the interesting part is that this hasn't really ever been very successful. Has anybody ever really changed because you thought they should? Because YOU"D be happier (you think) if they did?

Katie shows us, with so much love and humor, that when we take the time to question these thoughts, thoughts that we never even created, we meet them with understanding. When you notice that you do the same thing you are accusing your husband of doing (sometimes), your mind opens and rather than the typical frustration and anger you feel, you may experience understanding and peace, and you may find that your heart just opens wide up and you feel the love - the unconditional love that so many people speak of.

If you are interested in improving ALL your relationships, I highly recommend I Need Your Love - Is That True? When you realize you are the only one who can make you happy, life gets juicy and so much more fun and interesting. When you realize you are not a victim, you are empowered and the creative, infinite mind begins to take over and whooah hoo - baby! Just kick back and enjoy the ride.

I also recommend attending an event with Katie. She is quite amazing and they are so much fun - life changing for most people and incredibly inspiring as well.

25 of 26 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Wow, this really works!, August 20, 2006

By 

N. Sander (San Francisco, California USA) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: I Need Your Love - Is That True? : How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead (Hardcover)

I can highly recommend this book to anyone interested in doing relationship work, or simply doing work with themselves. This book does not give you a solution to your problems, but a tool you can use to question your inner voice that has fed you deconstructive thoughts for all your life. This tool is so powerful, that you will soon feel that there is no relationship problem you can't master, doing the work. Of course you need to be willing to do the work and work it is every single time, but the results are so rewarding that you soon will almost be looking forward to another bad thought/feeling to attack you, so you can lay it at rest and know what YOU need to give to YOURSELF, in order to be happy. It's mostly the exact thing that you "think" other people are not willing to give you...