Customer Reviews

Never Call Them Jerks

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No church is immune to the problems that can arise when parishioners misbehave. Responding to such situations with self-awareness and in a manner true to one's faith tradition makes the difference between peace and disaster. In Never Call Them Jerks, Arthur Paul Boers, author of Justice that Heals, uses stories as teaching tools and examines how a better understanding of difficult behavior can help congregational leaders avoid the trap of labeling parishioners and exercise self-care when the going gets rough.

Boers, who has written three previous books including On Earth as in Heaven and Lord, Teach Us to Pray, tackles the controversial issue of uncivil behavior in congregations and asserts that Jerks will demonstrate responsible leadership; encourage leaders to face tough situations; and address the essentials of attending to, focusing on, and taking care of oneself. "Several recent books on the subject have lost their poise when it comes to dealing with those whose actions are annoying, disruptive, or evil," notes Speed B. Leas, Alban Institute Senior Consultant and author Congregational Conflict. "Boers has kept his and given us a thoughtful and useful approach to dealing with those who act in ornery and malignant ways."

"Arthur Paul Boers pours a wealth of pastoral wisdom and clinical insight into his book...he helps us to see how our `worst' members, our most trying congregational crises, can, by the grace of God and our skillful and caring leadership, be transformed into opportunities for redemptive ministry," says William H. Willimon, Dean of the Chapel and Professor of Christian Ministry, Duke University, Durham, NC.

According to Dr. Wayne E. Oates, Professor of Psychiatry Emeritus, School of Medicine, University of Louisville, "Never Call Them Jerks is thorough, well researched, and well illustrated...This is the best book I have read on this important subject-even better than one I wrote."

David W. Augsburger, a professor of pastoral care and counseling at Fuller Theological Seminary, Pasadena, CA, and author of Conflict Mediation across Cultures and Helping People Forgive, writes in the foreword that Boers has the gift for "bringing issues that we consent to leave invisible into the clear."

Arthur Paul Boers is a Mennonite pastor in Waterloo, Ontario who has served rural, urban, and church-planting settings in the USA and Canada. Boers has an MA in Peace Studies from Associated Mennonite Biblical Seminary, an M. Div. from McCormick Theological Seminary, and an M. Th. in Pastoral Counseling from Waterloo Lutheran Seminary. For many years he served as columnist and editorial advisor for Christian Ministry and as a contributing editor to The Other Side. His articles and reviews have appeared in popular magazines including Christianity Today, Leadership, St. Anthony Messenger, and Sojourners.

A large readership will enjoy the insightful content of Never Call Them Jerks, written by Arthur Boers. It is a concise work that outlines how difficult behavior (and people!) can be countered by healthy responses that are non-punitive in nature. A very helpful propositional statement is found on Page 78: "A purpose of this book is to help us understand difficult behavior so that it need not preoccupy us." I like the term preoccupy, for oftentimes ministry is held captive to the aberrant behavior styles of others. Ministry can also be subverted by displaced emotions on the part of leaders.
Boers, writing from a pastor's perspective, cautions against reactionary measures that are emotive in nature. When responding to conflict within any group of people, it is imperative to act, not react. It is also important to remember that "it is difficult to win a battle against someone causing conflict within a church" (57). How many times have church leaders attempted to "fight fire with fire," only to exacerbate an already troubled situation?
I especially enjoyed Boer's chapter entitled "Hazards, Hazards Everywhere." In this chapter, the author takes an in-depth look at some of the relational dynamics that are seedbeds from which difficult behavior grows. Triangulation is an inevitable dynamic that we must understand and anticipate in our ministry functions. Social incompetence is another dynamic that plagues pastors and church leaders, as poor inter-relational skills can cause untold anxiety in the parish.
Unlike some conflict management-type books, this text is not long on problematic scenarios and short on solutions. Boers includes many case studies and quotes from helpful contributors like Henri Nouwen and Thomas Merton, as well as an appreciated and welcomed "focus on self" section. Sometimes it is necessary to grow personally and focus on our own souls in order to minimize troublesome scenarios in ministry.

Never Call Them Jerks is a helpful book that offers useful alternatives to simply naming, blaming, and shaming difficult behaviors in the lives of church members. With proper nurturing and leadership, wonderful ministry can grow out of difficult behavior. In addition, people who are difficult cannot be viewed independently, but rather must be perceived as part of an emotional unit. In other words, an individual's action cannot be viewed or examined in isolation. Every problem is part of a larger system of interaction.
This book offers a way of analyzing problems that helps care providers maintain patience as well as hope that something good can come from troubling conflict. The author helps the reader realize that all congregations will have conflict and that they must learn how to react to difficulties appropriately.
Systems thinking does not simply try to change a problem, but rather attempts to see the connection of the problem to the larger system. The way leaders analyze behavioral problems is to recognize that there is always multiple causation. Furthermore, the author suggests that people are interdependent or, in other words, connected to each other in some way. The author suggests that if leaders are to gain greater understanding and clarity with difficult people, family origin must be evaluated and investigated. A systems understanding furthermore recognizes the correlation between stability and change, multigenerational patterns and problems, and unhealthy triangulation.
This book offers invaluable insight, wisdom, and practical direction for pastors and congregational leaders who intentionally accept the challenge of navigating their congregations toward health through the waters of conflict.

If I were to summarize Never Call Them Jerks in one sentence, it would be: Instead of labeling and blaming difficult people, try understanding their behavior. The author advocates stepping back from our usual defensive posture and trying to understand people in a different light. He says that difficult behavior is not conflict, criticism, argument or occasional irrationality, instead it is a patterned and sustained behavior that is abusive, irrational, hostile, adversarial, or distorted.

Augsburger deals with such topics as narcissism, woundedness, defensive structures, distortions in perception, depression, dependency, compulsivity, borderline behavior, sabotage, transference, and counter transference. Being in the mental health field for 15 years, he truly speaks my native language. It would benefit pastors to have some knowledge of the issues he addresses. However, if people ever get the feeling they are being psychoanalyzed by their pastor, Augsburger would probably have to write another book to address the defensive posturing that would incur. The information in this book should never be used against people, instead it should be used to provide valuable insight into why people act the way they do.

Boers' book was on the elective booklist for a course toward my Master's in Dispute Resolution. The book was fun to read, and it offered so much informtion and experience, but from a different angle and with a unique voice which goes a bit against the grain of that which is somewhat the standard for MDR text books. Boers is very straightforward and uses humor appropriately, and he gives the reader the idea that he's not "making it up" just to fill up a certain number of pages.

I found this book extremely helpful. Unlike many books I've read on church conflict Boers emphasizes that conflict is inevitable. Rather than the elimination of conflict, he addresses healthy ways to confront conflict. In Boers' own words, "responsible church leaders serve as models of a firm and assertive approach to conflict that is flexible but not floppy, compassionate but not `sloppy agape,' steady but not immovable." (5) Further, Boers explains that to do this we must ". . . never call a parishioner a `jerk'! Therefore we must focus not on `difficult people' but on `difficult relationships' and `difficult behavior'-a subtle but crucial distinction." (14)

Boers emphasis on focusing on relationships and behavior was a much needed reminder. I confess that I am often tempted to focus on "the jerks" and not on the underlying systemic problems. Further, as Boers reminded me, I even resort to self-condemnation, considering myself as a jerk. The emphasis of this work to focus on several areas of relational and behavioral conflict commonalities was most helpful.

I am especially indebted to this work for prompting me to revisit and revise my responses to "triangling" and rumors. (82-86) And, the section on being a "nonanxious presence" when dealing with criticism (109-117) was especially helpful.

I recommend this work to anyone in a pastoral role. It will be a not-so-subtle challenge to our proclivities to focus on "jerks" rather than doing the productive work of dealing with difficult behaviors.

Pastor Boers provides a well-written, interesting, and certainly educational book about the challenges of leadership in general but of ordained leadership in particular. With humor and wit, he shows how varied the attacks and the sabotage may be while ever holding the pastor to the fundamental truth that how he or she chooses to respond is ultimately his or her decision. After reading the book, I have chosen to participate in an online study with the author through a northeast seminary and, perhaps more importantly, invited a number of my parishioners (none whom I will openly call jerks!) to join me in a parish book study.

This book is really quite helpful for ministers, but I think especially seminary students getting ready for their first call. It covers how to deal with difficult behaviors using Family Systems Theory in a no-nonsence kinda way. I was impressed with all the support he uses until you hit about chapter 6. Then the support gets to be a bit much and the information takes longer to find and understand. Otherwise this is a great book for any trying to find new ways of dealing with any difficult behavior, be it ministry, business, or family life.

Very satisfied with the book, service and arrival of book. Earlier than expected and in better condition than expected. Great job!