I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery [Paperback]

Ellen M. DuBois (Author), Dr. Linda R. Backman Ed.D (Commentary)

Book Description

Publication Date: January 23, 2006

I Never Held You speaks to the heart of women, their families and friends who have either lived through the pain & grief after miscarriage, or who want to better support someone who has. Author Ellen M. DuBois shares her own painful journey after miscarriage taking you from her darkest moments of grief, despair, isolation, anxiety, fear and depression to the steps she took towards healing and recovery. Her suggestions prove to be helpful in balancing the emotional peaks and valleys after suffering such a heartbreaking loss. I Never Held You validates your grief after losing a baby to miscarriage, and assures you that you're not alone in your struggle. With the help of contributing author Dr. Linda Backman, Ed.D., licensed grief counselor, psychologist and author, you'll come to better understand grief- and why it's so important to allow yourself the time necessary to heal. If you're looking for help and support after miscarriage, or want to help someone how has miscarried, this is the book for you. Companion website: MiscarriageHelp.com

Editorial Reviews

Review

I Never Held You validates the grief experienced after miscarriage and assures you that although your baby was never held, your baby was loved. Find miscarriage support in this touching, helpful book.

--Ellen M. DuBois, Author

"I found this book to be excellent for those who are struggling with their own losses and are looking for a book that will comfort them and give them a glimpse of that light in the tunnel no matter how little it may be."

Saturday, January 28th, 2011: I Never Held You (Createspace) was recommended by nationally syndicated columnist Amy Dickinson, "Ask Amy" (Chicago Tribune), to a writer needing advice on coping after miscarriage. "Ask Amy" is published in over 100 newspapers. chicagotribune.com/features/tribu/askamy/ct-ae-0128-amy-20120128,0,1032340.column

From the Author

I know what it feels like to suffer a miscarriage and have your world turned upsidedown. I know that terrible, surreal feeling as you look at your ultra sound and hear the doctor's voice say there's no heartbeat- your baby has 'expired'. And I know that feeling- the one where you're 'detached' from yourself, almost numb, as you walk out the door knowing your baby is no longer alive.

You want to cry, scream, run...be anywhere but in that moment.

When I miscarried some twenty-years ago, it was horrible. I felt like my world caved in and although my family and friends were very supportive, I felt so alone. I cried, suffered anxiety attacks, missed my baby more than anything and wondered if I'd ever pull out of the dark place was in. 

My entire world seemed to have a fog over it. Nothing looked or felt right.

Years later, something told me to take my experiences after miscarrying my beloved son, Alex, and write about them in the hope of reaching out to others who were living the same. I found very little support- in bookstores, etc. Other than a pamphlet or two I'd been given from my doctor, there was nothing. The Internet was in its infancy. Where was I to go?

That's what drove me to write I Never Held You, and it continues to drive me in my outreach to all women and their families who have suffered the pains of miscarriage, or sadly, more than one. I want to do my part in making sure no woman feels as alone as I did after my miscarriage. Since 2006, when I Never Held You was first published in paperback, I've been blessed with not only being published, but also in creating and hosting the companion support site. It has been and continues to be an honor to provide a platform for women and their families to share, connect, and find the support I so needed all those years ago.

The support I know many, many women need today.

I Never Held You was born out of one of the darkest times of my life. However, adversity transformed into something positive- support after miscarriage, which you'll find within the pages of my book.

I am deeply sorry for your loss and please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and Light,

Ellen

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 150 pages
• Publisher: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform (January 23, 2006)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1450517749
• ISBN-13: 978-1450517744
• Product Dimensions: 6 x 9 x 0.3 inches
• Shipping Weight: 7.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (29 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #156,990 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Hello and thanks for visiting my author page. I'm Ellen and am the author of I Never Held You, a book about miscarriage, grief, healing and recovery. I wrote this book because I didn't want women to feel as alone as I did after my miscarriage some twenty-years ago. It was a "pre-Internet" world, and trying to find something to help me with my grief seemed impossible. In my book, I share my own journey- from the initial shock to reaching a place of healing, with all the steps in between. Dr. Linda Backman wrote several very helpful chapters from a grief counselor's point of view, and from the heart of a woman who survived the loss of her son Adam, born at 26 weeks who lived for about an hour.

I also run a support site, MiscarriageHelp.com. I've been doing this since 2006. Providing women a place to vent, share and read the stories of others is very important to me. Why? Women who connect with others who have lived the same often feel far less alone and more understood.

I've also been published by: Blue Mountain Arts, "I Whispered a Prayer or Two" greeting card & in their gift book, "Sisters"; am a contributing author in More God Allows U-Turns, Barbour Publishing/Promise Press; Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders, Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Hunterhouse Publishing.

Please feel free to visit my website, through Facebook facebook.com/miscarriagehelp and on Twitter @miscarriage_hlp

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

22 of 22 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars You've helped in more ways than I ever imagined. March 25, 2006

By Candlelady

Format:Paperback

I received my book two days ago, and once I began reading, I didn't want to put it down. Sadly, I'm an expert on what it feels like to miscarry, after having four of them. Each one equally as painful. My husband and I are now on the path to adoption, but there are many emotions I still have to work through concerning my miscarriages. I Never Held You helped greatly.

I realized my losses were just as real as any other. My babies were just as real- but, I never got to hold them. I also came to understand through Dr. Backman's expert words on grief that I needed to go through the process of grieving in order to better able move on.

The author's account of her miscarriage was very much like two of my own. My other's were far earlier along in my pregnancy, but hurt just the same. I could completely relate to how she felt when the doctor told her the fetus was no longer viable, and medical terms only serve to make a horrible nightmare even more so. Her numbness, shock, and disbelief at how easily her miscarriage seemed to be dismissed was also felt by me, and each time I miscarried, I was so emotionally lost that I didn't speak up and ask the doctor questions.

This book started out by gently guiding me through the grieving process: taking me from the initial shock of miscarriage to eventually moving on with my life. Never once did the author or the doctor suggest I forget my miscarriage. Quite the opposite, and I am grateful for that. Who in their right mind could ever forget such a tragic event? I learned there's a difference between moving on with your life and forgetting. Just because you move on, as my husband and I are with adoption, does not mean I am forgetting the precious babies I lost. They will always remain in my heart. While reading this book, I felt like I had a Psychologist right by my side- making me feel okay with myself. I also felt I had a friend who truly cared about me and understood what I was going through when reading the author's words. She is like me, and I like her. All of us really do feel the same kind of pain, even though the circumstances may be different.

I Never Held You then explores different coping tools- and they're for life, not just miscarriage. I gained such benefit from this, and came to realize many things about myself and how I can set free so much of my stresses by practicing some of the techniques mentioned in this book. I used to practice Yoga, and am beginning again. We just got a dog, and I'll be taking him for walks to sooth my mind and take a break from my thoughts.

In particular, I loved Ms. DuBois chapter on Finding Your Creative Self. I lost her a long time ago, and came to understand that I still was the creative woman I'd given up on long ago. I used to paint all the time when I lived at home and in college. After getting married and joining the full time workforce, I found very little time to nurture that part of myself. This book brought about the realization that I need to nurture my creative self in order to feel good about who I am again and take some of my focus away from the pain of my miscarriages. It's about balance, and I never would have dug out my old easle and purchased some new paints had it not been for this wonderful, compassionate book.

A side note: I lost my father about three years ago. I Never Held You deals with the loss of miscarriage, but also applies to any loss. I found great comfort and help with the grief over my father, which I didn't expect to find.

Thank you to the author, Ellen DuBois, and to Dr. Backman. You've helped in more ways than I ever imagined.

14 of 14 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Gave Me More Than Hope- Gave Me Help. March 23, 2006

By LovesToRead

Format:Paperback

This book gave me so much more than I expected. Having miscarried in January, I've been so lost ever since. I've read some pretty decent books, and have taken heart in the stories of other women. But, I Never Held You offered me not only the author's story of miscarriage, but guided me through the grief process with the words of Dr. Backman. Ms. DuBois honest revealing of her pain and sometimes feeling like she was 'losing it' made me feel like I wasn't crazy for being so devastated after my miscarriage. Dr. Backman also lost a baby, and that gave her even more credibility- I knew she felt what I did and was not merely 'talking' about it in a clinical sense. What I didn't expect from this book were all the tools for coping and living. Ms. DuBois shares tips and lets you know that not everything she writes about is for everyone. You can pick and choose what feels right for you. From exercise and yoga to relieve stress and a chapter on panic attacks, which I also suffer from, I found more than I could ever want to get through not only my miscarriage, but with other things in my life that were present before my miscarriage, or entered my life as a result of my miscarriage. My panic attacks had gone away for several years until I lost my baby. I didn't expect to find help with those in this book, but I did- and am so grateful. If you're into faith, this book dives into it in certain parts, but if you're not, there are so many other things to read and gain support from. There's even a 'Thoughts to Ponder' section which made me count my blessings because it covers things like friendship and how joyful children are to be around and how they teach us to relax. These stories in her Thoughts to Ponder section also cover how you can't control everything in this life-including your miscarriage. Her story about a homeless woman made me thankful just to have a place to live. Ms. DuBois included these thoughts to help the reader realize that when you're lost in grief after miscarriage, there's another side to life that's often missed. It really does help balance things out. I still have my bad days, but I know it's normal-especially after reading I Never Held You. This book gave me more than hope. It gave me help.

19 of 21 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars So many years ago I was in need of this book. March 27, 2006

By Linda R. Backman

Format:Paperback

It is so heartening to read the reviews being listed here on Amazon about I Never Held You. While you might not think that I, Dr. Linda Backman who wrote commentaries for INHY, needed to write a review about this wonderful book...I kindly disagree. Ellen DuBois is to be thanked for her tenacity to assist others who have walked the same path as she. So many years ago, 34 to be exact, when I was so in need of being understood and supported in my own grief over the loss of our 26 week gestation little boy, Adam....this book would have been a true "Godsend"! When I say that I thought I was "loosing my mind"....I'm not exaggerating. Ellen's caring devotion to being of help to those of you out there....and unfortunately miscarriage is so common...is beautiful. So, my final comment to you is to validate the pain you feel no matter how long you carried your baby....and don't let people convince you that you should not be grieving. And, let this beautiful book be a support to you.