Most Helpful Customer Reviews
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78 of 83 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Wonderful Advice for Any Parent--from Either Side of the Spanking Debate, November 1, 2005
I have the older edition of this book; I absolutely love it. I re-read it every few years because there are so many ideas in it that I will forget the ones I do not immediately need--thus the need for review as my children grow and change.
Spanking is advocated, but there are so much more to this book that a parent who does not believe in spanking--and is a reasonable person who understands that other good parents do use spanking--could read this book and take much out of it.
For one, the book is short. There isn't enough time once the children are here to read a huge tome. This book is brief enough, you can high-light what you like and come back and read all of the high-lighted parts in three hours, for a refresher.
Secondly, Dobson advocates spanking only for specific behavior under specific circumstances. Namely, he advocates spanking for outright defiance--if you are certain it is defiance and not over-hungry child or something your child cannot do, etc.
If you were to spank as a last resort, you would be frustrated and possibly out of control. Instead, he suggests you spank the instant the willful defiance rears it ugly head. Take the child aside, explain why he is being punished, spank him on his bottom, and then offer comfort.
(He also believes this only works for young children and that doing it to older children not only doesn't work, it backfires and is unhealthy. However, reasoning with a very young child is a waste of breath; their minds are not developed enough to reason with--this is scientific fact. And when your 3 year old will not sit in time out or he kicks the walls in his room and throws things when sent there--then what? You loose the battle or you need another parenting tool or you loose your cool. Loosing the battle or your cool is not an option.)
Dobson has ideas for punishing usual childhood behavior, such as a bike left in the driveway or spilled milk at the table, that people on both sides of the spanking debate can appreciate. He also has an Attitude Chart to help your child begin to obey--when old enough--with a good attitude.
Read the book for yourself; get it used if you must. Don't let those who read the word "spanking" or "God" and start to go cross-eyed and foam at the mouth scare you away from this book. All of us are adults. We can read a book, take what is useful out of it, and leave the rest for others of different viewpoints.
I personally think that this book has really, really good advice and I am planning on purchasing this newer edition to see what I am missing (with my old one.)
If you are wondering about results, here they are:
I have five children.
My older three are going into their teens now. I raised them by much of the advice in this book. I get compliments on their behavior; my teens still share their hearts, dreams, and disappointments with me.
My little ones' favorite way to spend their time is talking or reading with their Mommy.
All my children get along with each other quite well. (Hormones have introduced some arguments between children--but before those, I didn't even know what sibling rivalry was.) My kids are all very close to each other; my older children are quite protective of their siblings.
I have been asked, by a teen sitter I hired, if they ever talk back or get mad at me. (Yes, but not all the time, day in and day out, like most teens seem to.)
My kids are very giving and thoughtful; my children like to be unique and to take a stand against what they feel is wrong. My teen daughter has taken a stand for radical purity--Barlow Girl style. My just-starting-adolescence-son has a heart for the under-dog.
And, least you think I had it easy, I was given one easy going kid and four strong willed ones. Also, I have one with autism and one with ADHD as well as PDD-NOS (which is also autism, only less so.) Lastly, they were born in groups close together; three inside of three and a half years and then, later, two inside of fourteen months. In other words, no, I didn't just get an easy lot.
(I should also say that I am a SAHM who home schools all three older children, including the two with ASD. I am not saying it is always easy, but this book has made my life easier by helping me raise well-behaved, well-mannered, respectful children.)
I did spank my older kids when they were younger; I do spank my younger ones now. I also follow his advice about intent--what does a child intend by their actions. Our criminal justice system is based on intent, yet most parents do not punish on intent--but inconvenience.
Intent, and also not taking a child's behavior personally (learning that the child is just being a child and how to remove myself emotionally from any bad behavior--this allows one to keep their head almost all the time and discipline out of a desire to correct behavior instead of punish the child) are two of the most important things I got from this book.
These--intent and a healthy view of why children do what they do and say what they say--are lessons any parent could benefit from--on either side of the spanking debate. This way of raising your children, basing your response on their intent and meeting defiance head on, really does work.
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338 of 401 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Updating Dr. Dobson's already- successful parenting advice, September 3, 2004
I distinctly remember reading the first edition of Dr. James Dobson's THE STRONG-WILLED CHILD. I was desperate. My first son was not sleeping through the night, was eating nothing but mashed bananas, and was not obeying. The kicker: He would look at me, grin wildly and defiantly dump his entire toy box after I told him, "No."
Cajoling, negotiating, threatening --- nothing worked to get this kid to do something he didn't want to do. I was taller and stronger and, at least in my mind, smarter, but I became stupid and turned to mush when it came to him. It was a battle of wills, and he was winning.
I admit it. I was one of those mothers who would start out sweet and soft-spoken, telling my son kindly, "No, Sean. No, Sean. No, Sean" --- only to switch gears and yell, "SEAN NOOOOO!!!" seconds later. The result: He still blissfully ignored me.
Friends and family began pushing parenting books at me. Thankfully, THE STRONG-WILLED CHILD was one of them. I read and tried to absorb everything. Dobson advocated spanking. Yikes. What would my Baby-Boomer friends think of me? We were spanked and seemed none worse for the experience, but...
Dobson's arguments favoring discipline, structure and routines made so much sense --- especially in light of the chaos I was wreaking, placing such a high premium on reasoning with a 2-foot high toddler, as I was. His style is encouraging. I remember thinking, "I'm doing EVERYTHING wrong, but there's hope." But then again, reading "The temperaments of children tend to reflect those of their parents" made me remember my mother's words (under duress) to me: I hope you have a child just like you.
I took Dobson's advice, feeling empowered, balancing love with discipline, and to my relief, things around here started to improve. And proving there is no one as obnoxious as the newly converted, I gave a copy of the book to all the moms in my son's playgroup.
In THE NEW STRONG-WILLED CHILD, even though it's been rewritten, updated and expanded, not much has changed in Dobson's straight-talking, "Because I am The Adult and You Are The Child" approach to parenting. He's still warm and encouraging, and brimming with common sense. This time, though, his common sense advice is backed up with current research. What began as a hunch to Dobson --- that some kids are compliant and some are "strong-willed" --- turned out to be scientifically true. Dobson's bottom line is still the same: Parenting is a balance of love and discipline.
In many chapters, he uses a Q & A format to reinforce points. Here's an example:
"Q: I like your idea of balancing love with discipline, but I'm not sure I can do it. My parents were extremely rigid with us, and I'm determined not to make that mistake with my kids. But I don't want to be a push-over, either. Can you give me some help in finding the middle ground between extremes?
A: Maybe it would clarify the overall goal of your discipline to state it in the negative. It is not to produce perfect kids. Even if you implement a flawless system of discipline at home, which no one in history has done, your children will still be children. At times they will be silly, lazy, selfish, and yes, disrespectful. Such is the nature of the human species. We as adults have the same weaknesses. Furthermore, when it comes to kids, that's the way they are wired. Boys and girls are like clocks; you have to let them run. My point is that the purpose of parental discipline is not to produce obedient little robots who can sit with their hands folded in the parlor thinking patriotic and noble thoughts! Even if we could pull that off, it wouldn't be wise to try.
The objective, as I see it, is to take the raw material our babies arrive with on this earth and gradually mold it, shaping them into mature, responsible, God-fearing adults. It is a twenty-year process that involves progress, setbacks, successes and failures. When the child turns thirteen, you'll swear for a time that he's missed everything you thought you had taught --- manners, kindness, grace, and style. But then maturity begins to take over, and the little green shoots from former planning start to emerge. It is one of the richest experiences in life to watch that blossoming at the latter end of childhood."
Back in 1978, Dobson was just beginning his remarkable legacy, writing the first of 33 books, launching a radio show heard by 220 million people each day on 7,300 radio stations located in 122 countries around the world. Back then, I too was just beginning to leave my mark, raising my sons (I now have four) and reading Dobson, who was doling out parenting advice, not knowing who was listening and, perhaps, benefiting from it.
Until now.
Thanks, Dr. Dobson. And keep up the good work.
--- Reviewed by Diana Keough
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36 of 42 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Be open minded about reviews, June 15, 2006
I almost didn't buy this book because of many negative reviews it got. However, I am so incredibly glad that I went with some personal recommendations about the author and tried it out. Many of the people who wrote reviews obviously either didn't read the whole book or pick and chose sections to listen to. Taken out of context, things can often sound very different than what they mean. In all situations in life, I think you need to be very careful when taking things out of context. Yes, Dr. Dobson does advocate spanking (as do many, many other professionals out there.) If you are absolutely against spanking, and feel so strongly about it that you are unwilling to be open minded to any opinions otherwise than this is probably not the book for you. However, this book does NOT revolve around spanking. It is not the main point of the book, just simply one item that is discussed.
This book does give many examples of strong willed children, which for me were extremely encouraging to read about and know that I was not alone. It helped me to realize that there was hope for reigning in my son but NOT breaking his spirit--which Dr. Dobson gives strong advice about being careful not to do. If you have a difficult child this book can definitely give you hope and some perspective. Like any self-help type book, you should read with an open but analytical mind. There are many different ideas out there advocated by different professionals, and at least for me, I have done best by looking at lots of different information but then finally having to figure out for myself what works for me and my family. May God help you to do the same!
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