Customer Reviews

The New Strong-Willed Child

5 star:		(76)
4 star:		(13)
3 star:		(3)
2 star:		(14)
1 star:		(70)

 

 

I have the older edition of this book; I absolutely love it. I re-read it every few years because there are so many ideas in it that I will forget the ones I do not immediately need--thus the need for review as my children grow and change.

Spanking is advocated, but there are so much more to this book that a parent who does not believe in spanking--and is a reasonable person who understands that other good parents do use spanking--could read this book and take much out of it.

For one, the book is short. There isn't enough time once the children are here to read a huge tome. This book is brief enough, you can high-light what you like and come back and read all of the high-lighted parts in three hours, for a refresher.

Secondly, Dobson advocates spanking only for specific behavior under specific circumstances. Namely, he advocates spanking for outright defiance--if you are certain it is defiance and not over-hungry child or something your child cannot do, etc.

If you were to spank as a last resort, you would be frustrated and possibly out of control. Instead, he suggests you spank the instant the willful defiance rears it ugly head. Take the child aside, explain why he is being punished, spank him on his bottom, and then offer comfort.

(He also believes this only works for young children and that doing it to older children not only doesn't work, it backfires and is unhealthy. However, reasoning with a very young child is a waste of breath; their minds are not developed enough to reason with--this is scientific fact. And when your 3 year old will not sit in time out or he kicks the walls in his room and throws things when sent there--then what? You loose the battle or you need another parenting tool or you loose your cool. Loosing the battle or your cool is not an option.)

Dobson has ideas for punishing usual childhood behavior, such as a bike left in the driveway or spilled milk at the table, that people on both sides of the spanking debate can appreciate. He also has an Attitude Chart to help your child begin to obey--when old enough--with a good attitude.

Read the book for yourself; get it used if you must. Don't let those who read the word "spanking" or "God" and start to go cross-eyed and foam at the mouth scare you away from this book. All of us are adults. We can read a book, take what is useful out of it, and leave the rest for others of different viewpoints.

I personally think that this book has really, really good advice and I am planning on purchasing this newer edition to see what I am missing (with my old one.)

If you are wondering about results, here they are:

I have five children.

My older three are going into their teens now. I raised them by much of the advice in this book. I get compliments on their behavior; my teens still share their hearts, dreams, and disappointments with me.

My little ones' favorite way to spend their time is talking or reading with their Mommy.

All my children get along with each other quite well. (Hormones have introduced some arguments between children--but before those, I didn't even know what sibling rivalry was.) My kids are all very close to each other; my older children are quite protective of their siblings.

I have been asked, by a teen sitter I hired, if they ever talk back or get mad at me. (Yes, but not all the time, day in and day out, like most teens seem to.)

My kids are very giving and thoughtful; my children like to be unique and to take a stand against what they feel is wrong. My teen daughter has taken a stand for radical purity--Barlow Girl style. My just-starting-adolescence-son has a heart for the under-dog.

And, least you think I had it easy, I was given one easy going kid and four strong willed ones. Also, I have one with autism and one with ADHD as well as PDD-NOS (which is also autism, only less so.) Lastly, they were born in groups close together; three inside of three and a half years and then, later, two inside of fourteen months. In other words, no, I didn't just get an easy lot.

(I should also say that I am a SAHM who home schools all three older children, including the two with ASD. I am not saying it is always easy, but this book has made my life easier by helping me raise well-behaved, well-mannered, respectful children.)

I did spank my older kids when they were younger; I do spank my younger ones now. I also follow his advice about intent--what does a child intend by their actions. Our criminal justice system is based on intent, yet most parents do not punish on intent--but inconvenience.

Intent, and also not taking a child's behavior personally (learning that the child is just being a child and how to remove myself emotionally from any bad behavior--this allows one to keep their head almost all the time and discipline out of a desire to correct behavior instead of punish the child) are two of the most important things I got from this book.

These--intent and a healthy view of why children do what they do and say what they say--are lessons any parent could benefit from--on either side of the spanking debate. This way of raising your children, basing your response on their intent and meeting defiance head on, really does work.

I distinctly remember reading the first edition of Dr. James Dobson's THE STRONG-WILLED CHILD. I was desperate. My first son was not sleeping through the night, was eating nothing but mashed bananas, and was not obeying. The kicker: He would look at me, grin wildly and defiantly dump his entire toy box after I told him, "No."

Cajoling, negotiating, threatening --- nothing worked to get this kid to do something he didn't want to do. I was taller and stronger and, at least in my mind, smarter, but I became stupid and turned to mush when it came to him. It was a battle of wills, and he was winning.

I admit it. I was one of those mothers who would start out sweet and soft-spoken, telling my son kindly, "No, Sean. No, Sean. No, Sean" --- only to switch gears and yell, "SEAN NOOOOO!!!" seconds later. The result: He still blissfully ignored me.

Friends and family began pushing parenting books at me. Thankfully, THE STRONG-WILLED CHILD was one of them. I read and tried to absorb everything. Dobson advocated spanking. Yikes. What would my Baby-Boomer friends think of me? We were spanked and seemed none worse for the experience, but...

Dobson's arguments favoring discipline, structure and routines made so much sense --- especially in light of the chaos I was wreaking, placing such a high premium on reasoning with a 2-foot high toddler, as I was. His style is encouraging. I remember thinking, "I'm doing EVERYTHING wrong, but there's hope." But then again, reading "The temperaments of children tend to reflect those of their parents" made me remember my mother's words (under duress) to me: I hope you have a child just like you.

I took Dobson's advice, feeling empowered, balancing love with discipline, and to my relief, things around here started to improve. And proving there is no one as obnoxious as the newly converted, I gave a copy of the book to all the moms in my son's playgroup.

In THE NEW STRONG-WILLED CHILD, even though it's been rewritten, updated and expanded, not much has changed in Dobson's straight-talking, "Because I am The Adult and You Are The Child" approach to parenting. He's still warm and encouraging, and brimming with common sense. This time, though, his common sense advice is backed up with current research. What began as a hunch to Dobson --- that some kids are compliant and some are "strong-willed" --- turned out to be scientifically true. Dobson's bottom line is still the same: Parenting is a balance of love and discipline.

In many chapters, he uses a Q & A format to reinforce points. Here's an example:

"Q: I like your idea of balancing love with discipline, but I'm not sure I can do it. My parents were extremely rigid with us, and I'm determined not to make that mistake with my kids. But I don't want to be a push-over, either. Can you give me some help in finding the middle ground between extremes?

A: Maybe it would clarify the overall goal of your discipline to state it in the negative. It is not to produce perfect kids. Even if you implement a flawless system of discipline at home, which no one in history has done, your children will still be children. At times they will be silly, lazy, selfish, and yes, disrespectful. Such is the nature of the human species. We as adults have the same weaknesses. Furthermore, when it comes to kids, that's the way they are wired. Boys and girls are like clocks; you have to let them run. My point is that the purpose of parental discipline is not to produce obedient little robots who can sit with their hands folded in the parlor thinking patriotic and noble thoughts! Even if we could pull that off, it wouldn't be wise to try.

The objective, as I see it, is to take the raw material our babies arrive with on this earth and gradually mold it, shaping them into mature, responsible, God-fearing adults. It is a twenty-year process that involves progress, setbacks, successes and failures. When the child turns thirteen, you'll swear for a time that he's missed everything you thought you had taught --- manners, kindness, grace, and style. But then maturity begins to take over, and the little green shoots from former planning start to emerge. It is one of the richest experiences in life to watch that blossoming at the latter end of childhood."

Back in 1978, Dobson was just beginning his remarkable legacy, writing the first of 33 books, launching a radio show heard by 220 million people each day on 7,300 radio stations located in 122 countries around the world. Back then, I too was just beginning to leave my mark, raising my sons (I now have four) and reading Dobson, who was doling out parenting advice, not knowing who was listening and, perhaps, benefiting from it.

Until now.

Thanks, Dr. Dobson. And keep up the good work.

--- Reviewed by Diana Keough

I almost didn't buy this book because of many negative reviews it got. However, I am so incredibly glad that I went with some personal recommendations about the author and tried it out. Many of the people who wrote reviews obviously either didn't read the whole book or pick and chose sections to listen to. Taken out of context, things can often sound very different than what they mean. In all situations in life, I think you need to be very careful when taking things out of context. Yes, Dr. Dobson does advocate spanking (as do many, many other professionals out there.) If you are absolutely against spanking, and feel so strongly about it that you are unwilling to be open minded to any opinions otherwise than this is probably not the book for you. However, this book does NOT revolve around spanking. It is not the main point of the book, just simply one item that is discussed.

This book does give many examples of strong willed children, which for me were extremely encouraging to read about and know that I was not alone. It helped me to realize that there was hope for reigning in my son but NOT breaking his spirit--which Dr. Dobson gives strong advice about being careful not to do. If you have a difficult child this book can definitely give you hope and some perspective. Like any self-help type book, you should read with an open but analytical mind. There are many different ideas out there advocated by different professionals, and at least for me, I have done best by looking at lots of different information but then finally having to figure out for myself what works for me and my family. May God help you to do the same!

Dobson combines common sense, excellent stories and biblical principles in his book. These features are weaved together to make the book compelling and practical.

Children are born with a will. Some have a compliant will and some a stronger will, and some a "bulldozer" will - they are born with an inner sense of their own drivenness. That drivenness may make them successful in the business or sports world one day, but until then, mom, dad and the siblings have to put up with this little guy! How?

Parents must establish their AUTHORITY. There are a number of ways they can do this. Some of the reviewers seem to dwell on Dobson's discussion of spanking. That really is only a small part of his approach to parenting. Parents can use a number of means to establish their authority and have their children obey them.

Out of frustration many parents resort to ANGER in dealing with their children. Dobson calls this the parents' most common mistake. Anger demonstrates impotence in the parenting role.

Rahter than getting angry, it is better for the parents to take deliberate ACTION. Teach your children what you expect of them and take various levels of action if they don't obey. Dobson gives suggestions. "Anger does not influence behavior unless it implies that something irritating is about to happen. By contrast, disciplinary action does cause behavior to change." (p.78). "How much better to use action to achieve the desired behavior and avoid the emotional outburst." (p.80). Parents get angry because of their inability to establish authority with their children and get their respect.

This book is VERY practical. As a minister and teacher, I recommend this book to all parents, young and old!

I bought this book when my daughter was 3 years old she is now 9 years. I read the book and listen to what Dr. Dobson was saying. The book did talk about phyical disapline I choose to skip that part. I did follow everything eles in there. My daughter had us beat has a parents we did not know what to do. (she was our 3rd child) She was so strong willed ( kick, screaming, refusing to go to bed, thowing food on floor and not picking it up ect..... Well after reading this book and thank the Lord for it: she is the most sweet loving, well behave child. She is not prefect she is still stronged will but in a very good way. This book teaches you, that you need to parent diffently then you are. I went into this book thinking I will give it 3 weeks if I don't see a change or start see a change then move on to the next. (we started to see a change with in one week) Well there was no next. You will be real please with the out come.

This book helps get the sanity back into your life! There are things in the book (as far as discipline) that I personally did not institute - but it is the overall philosophy that punishment should be immediate, swift, and severe enough that the child would rather obey than get the punishment. There are consistently applied rules that are laid out that the parents and the kids follow - there are no more emotional melt-down by the parents when they finally "blow a gasket" because the "Timmy - take a time-out" doesn't work with their kid.

There are so many people that say that this book advocates child abuse - that is SO wrong - it advocates rules, boundaries, and actual consequences.

I have two very strong-willed boys. My eldest would actually tell his teachers at school that we didn't feed him breakfast so he could get cereal there too. He figured out there was "nothing" we could do to get him to complete his homework, etc. Then we started looking at ourselves - what are we doing that is making him think that this is okay?

After consideration - we found that we would under-react at certain times, by giving easy punishments that would not affect our daily routines, forget to enforce them, or after a month get so mad that we would over punish. We were being lazy. After reading this book and putting the philosophies to work did we finally see a change in attitude and behavior from him.

The next school year, my son said "Mom, I'm doing my homework this year, because I figured out that I spent 4 months grounded last school year and it wasn't very fun" - Truth was - it wasn't very fun for any of us - but now he does his homework before he plays, he brings his school work home, and he gets it turned in on-time. If he doesn't - we have a chart - for every expectation there is a consequence if it is not followed. Didn't turn in your homework? You are grounded for two days after the homework is completed and turned into the teacher (they still have to do the work, but they get punished too).

You the parent need to take the active adult rule and run your household - a child who is in the position to run the house is not emotionally equipped to handle that and behaves poorly. My kids don't hate me because I make them follow rules, they love me because I care enough that they turn into good people - which is what I believe the basis of this book is trying to teach.

I notice that reviewers who rated this book poorly seem to do so on the strength of their conviction that spanking is wrong, a form of abuse aimed at breaking the spirit of a strong-willed child. I submit that such people may not have read the whole book.

First of all, Dr. Dobson's main point throughout the book is that children must be lovingly disciplined at appropriate times if they are to grow up to be productive adults with a healthy respect (not to be mistaken for fear) for authority. He never once tries to assert that spanking is the only effective method of discipline, and even acknowledges that spanking should be used sparingly, only after other methods of discipline have proven to be ineffective. For a more compliant child, spanking may never be necessary. But this book is dedicated to the strong-willed child, for whom other methods of discipline often fail. So special attention is given to spanking as an effective form of discipline.

Dr. Dobson acknowledges that spanking done carelessly and with anger can be abusive, and so he provides clear guidelines for how to administer a spanking in a loving, consistent, non-abusive way. He also quite appropriately points out that there are many non-physical ways of abusing a child, such as yelling, belittling, etc., that inflict psychological harm without laying a finger. Furthermore, he makes persuasive arguments, backed by scientific research, for why properly administered spankings are not only NOT detrimental to the child's psyche, but that parents who spank when the situation warrants it are actually LESS likely to reach the extremes of anger and frustration that often result in physical or verbal abuse.

Dr. Dobson also devotes an entire section on the difference between "shaping the will" and "breaking the spirit", and provides clear examples of how to succeed at the former without inflicting the latter.

If you are struggling with a strong-willed child but are against spanking, I urge you to critically compare your arguments against it to Dr. Dobson's defense of it. If you don't agree and you're still against spanking, please don't "throw the baby out with the bathwater". There are still a lot of useful insights into the mind of the strong-willed child, tips on communicating with them and helping to shape that will, and encouragement for those engaged in this struggle. And good luck!

I can understand some of the appeal of Dr. Dobson's books. For many of us, this is the way we were raised.

When I was a teacher, I tried to implement Dobson's philosophy to help my students learn socially acceptable behavior. Time and time again, it failed in the long run. It often offered a quick fix, but the students would revert back to their unacceptable behavior the minute they left my classroom or whenver there was a substitute teacher in my room. So, in my opinion, it was a failure.

After years of teaching, I finally became a parent. I am so thankful that I found a copy of Christian Parenting & Child Care by Sears & Sears. It opened my eyes to a more Christ-like parenting style--and I was so excited to change the tone of my household. After reading that and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber & Mazlish, the whole atmosphere in our home changed. It helped my relationship with my husband, my extended family, and our kids. There is mutual respect and, above all, trust, something that I never truly had with my parents.

I'm not trying to discourage anyone from reading this book, or even applying some of its principles. Just please read some books with another perspective, also. You'll never be sorry for rounding out your parenting skills. I know I'm glad I did!

Nine Years ago I was at my wit's end with my son. His preschool was insisting on putting him on medication for ADD and I was swallowing everything I was being told hook, line, and sinker.

A dear friend of mine (who was raising three teenage boys at the time) came over to counsel me. Actually, she listened patiently to me crying about my poor baby's ruined brain, then said, "Are you done? Would you like to learn how to be a mother to your son now?"

That week, I read Dobson for the first time. My house became a battle ground for about a month as "The Boy" and I squared off. I stood firm and so did he.

Then he stopped fighting me and started loving and respecting me.

Dobson saved my son, my home, and my sanity.

I've passed out 7 copies to friends over the years and I'm now buying copy number 8 for a relative. Every person I've given a copy to has thanked me months later and swear by Dobson's methods.

This book is not a magic pill that will fix everything forever. Parenting is a long, hard process. But it will set a good foundation. It works and it works better if you start young.

This is an amazing book for any parent struggling with a strong willed child. Dr Dobson is a great help and has much wisdom to share on this topic! Despite what the previous reviewer says (I am doubtful that she read the book) this is the opposite of child abuse. She seems to wrongly assume that any time a parent spanks a child that they are "out of control". Dr Dobson strongly states in this book that a parent should NEVER spank a child in anger. It's almost as if she has some sort of axe to grind and is giving an unfair and illogical review of this wonderful book. Dr Dobson has been a champion of children and families for decades and helps parents know how to have healthy boundries and fair boundries for their children. Sometimes "love must be tough" to be effective and to keep a child safe from his own destructive behavior... The idea that any form of spanking is child abuse is ridiculas at best and ignorant at worst. The key is to spank only when the child has directly disobeyed and to NEVER do it in anger, which is what Dr Dobson carefully explains. This type of spanking is NOT "out of control" and is always followed up by affection and reconcilliation between the parent and child...Dr Dobson helps parents know how to deal with a strong willed child so that they do not lose control but still have boundries and structure in the home. I think the previous reviewer who says she is the wife of a Pediatrician must not have had any strong willed children in her own household...Her recommendations would not "fly" with this type of personality. There are MANY parents that will attest to the fact that "time out" does not work with their strong willed child. If a strong-willed child feels that they control the home and dont have to obey authority, they grow up to be self indulgent and disliked by all and their future will be severly affected...This is just as much child abuse as someone who spanks out of control...There is a BIG difference between "spanking" and "hitting". She incorrectly assumes they are one and the same. Dr Dobson will teach you the difference in this important book! I also highly recommend his book called "Dare To Discipline" for those struggling with parenting. Dr Dobson is a God send in todays permissive culture!