Customer Reviews

The New Vampire's Handbook: A Guide for the Recently Turned Creature of the Night

5 star:		(8)
4 star:		(0)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

With the help of the Vampire Miles Proctor, Action-5 writers have presented a guide for those vampires that never got the proper tutelage or guidance from a mentor after they were turned into an undead bloodsucker. You'll learn valuable tips on travelling, etiquette, feeding, strengths, weaknesses, social responsibilities, and how to get invited into places. Afterall, you're going to feasibly be around for a long long time so unless someone is showing you the way, you better get this book to help you along, without it or a mentor, your time could be very short.

Yes it's a danged HUMOR book, get over it. It's quite funny, well presented, well worded, and you won't put it down until you're finished. The authors aren't dealing with wanna-be goths, blood-drinking fetish humans, movie vampires, or other crap but present the vampire as if they were real. There are influences from the Anne Rice books, a little Buffy, and old folklore to present them in a tongue-in-cheek fashion that will get you to laugh. Can go hand in hand with the The Werewolf's Guide to Life: A Manual for the Newly Bitten although this vampire guide is much better written. Worth picking up unless you are over-the-top and take the subject of vampire reality far too serious. It's not like we're talking about zombies here.

As a both a lover of comedy and Buffy, this book had me laughing out loud, and that takes a lot to do. With the holidays around the corner, I can think of no better humorous gift to give both vampire-obsessed and non-obsessed friends/family members. Never fails to delight.

I got this for my birthday from a friend at work and wasn't too sure if I would like it .
Once I started I could not put it down ! It is one of the funniest books I have ever read ,
these writers are fantastic ! Miles' advice and anticdotes are priceless .
Don't forget to carry sunflower seeds or grains with you on dark spooky
nights , it can prove more useful than garlic !

I bought this book up on a whim, and didn't set it down (or stop laughing!) until I reached the last page. The authors are clearly real fans, and so the book feels like an act of love.

Can anybody recommend any other books by these authors?!?

Since Stephenie Meyer unleashed her abominations on the world, vampires have been the subject of constant adoration, and that really should not be, considering they are supposed to be blood-sucking creatures of the night and not sparkly high-school students. But I digress. I originally borrowed this book because I read the Werewolf's Guide to Life and was interested in reading about their mortal, undead enemies. I thought this book was well-thought out and well-written overall. Informative without being preachy, it was interesting from cover to cover. Although it's obviously supposed to be humourous, I can't really get over the fact that throughout the book, there are photographs of "vampires," and while they address mirrors, they never clarify whether they are able to show up in pictures or not. Anyhow, it's a good book for any supernatural/metaphysical-obsessed geek in your life, or even just for anyone in general. Forget that. Keep it for yourself because it's just that cool.

The New Vampires Handbook is written a self help manual for the newly turned whose vampire turner has not taken up the mentor role they should have. In the past these newly turned vampires were most likely to make a mistake and not survive long in the wild of the real world. I don't think this manual by any means would replace the wisdom of a good vampire mentor with their hundreds of years of knowledge but unfortunately there are a lot of recently turned who just don't have the mentor option.

Even if your turner is still around this is a good little book to bring up subjects with them they may not have realised was important before you get caught out and burn up. I mean I had never even thought about the fact that even though you catch a red-eye flight the plane may get delayed and sit for hours on the runway while you burn up with no where to escape the sunlight.

Vampire Miles Proctor also knows how to write in a humorous and very entertaining way. This is no boring book or rules or how to manual. In fact if humans ever get hold of a copy, and I've got to confess I'm actually in that category, even though there is nothing of immediate use to the non vampire inside we are quite entertained.

The main topics inside fall under the five main headings Health and Welfare, Feeding, Vampire-Human Relations, Society and Culture and Lifestyle. There's also a few appendices and a glossary of words the newly turned vampire is likely to hear but not quite know what they mean. Vampires will learn about their new body, weaknesses, mortal enemies, fangs and oral hygiene, selecting and luring prey, disaster preparedness, vampire fanatics, human-vampire love, faking your way through a meal, getting into invite only buildings, acting your age, coffins, travel and much more.

When I first picked this up I wasn't sure what to expect, but being a fan of non-sparkly vampires I had to give it a try. The most important thing I have to say is: Dear god why couldn't Stephine Meyer have read this book before she wrote that travesty she calls a series.
This book is great for anyone who loves real vampires. It might be a bit much for some people because the descriptions can be a bit dry, but it's definitely worth reading at least once. There's a lot of interesting information with sudden little bursts of funny spread throughout.
I would definitely recommend this book to a friend.

I love this book and it is a joy to read. It is a scientific version of all vampire myths. I love mythology in general and this book is a great read.

Mr. Miles Proctor,

I find it interesting that in your introduction, you state that you have spent 75 years writing this most beneficial handbook for vampires. And yet, in the title page, there are listed five human names, with an addition of "edited and with an introduction by the Vampire Miles Proctor" included on the page. I'm afraid this contradiction gives me little faith in the accuracy of your written work.

- Compatriot to the Creatures of the Night