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Nice Girls Just Don't Get It: 99 Ways to Win the Respect You Deserve, the Success You've Earned, and the Life You Want Hardcover


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Product Details

  • Hardcover: 320 pages
  • Publisher: Harmony (April 19, 2011)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0307590461
  • ISBN-13: 978-0307590466
  • Product Dimensions: 8.5 x 5.8 x 1.1 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 1 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (33 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #48,568 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

Q&A with Lois Frankel and Carol Frohlinger

© Rob Reiter Photography
In Nice Girls Just Don’t Get It you compare nice girls and winning women. What are the differences?
Nice girls put everyone else’s needs before their own. They hesitate to take action because they don’t want to make waves or be labeled a bitch, and they don’t ask for what they want so as not to appear high maintenance. Winning women factor their needs in with those of others. They know how to approach confrontations without being confrontational and they are willing to take risks in diplomatically asking for what they’ve earned, deserve, or want.

What are some of the most common mistakes women make when it comes to getting the things they most want in life and why do they make them?
1. Not knowing what they want! Women have been socialized to put others needs before their own, so frequently they can’t put a figure on exactly what it is they do want, or are afraid to express it for fear that others will see them as greedy or needy.

2. Not knowing when it’s time to walk away from a bad situation. Women often think they can turn it around or that it’s their fault, when in fact neither is true.

3. Communicating indirectly. They expect others to read their minds, use so many words when expressing themselves that others tune out or can’t figure out what they really want, and put their assertions in the form of questions. All of these behaviors contribute to unclear and diluted messages.

Why are men often better negotiators than women?
The reasons are complicated. Women are as good as men when they are negotiating on behalf of others (such as their families) but fall short when they are negotiating for themselves, for example, when they negotiate salary.

Nice girls have a particularly difficult time as negotiators because they tend to accept the rules as they are, failing to recognize they can challenge the status quo. Take the all-too-common situation of the woman who holds down a job and then heads home for the “second shift.” She fails to recognize the opportunity to negotiate a more equitable solution with her family--she’s not the only person who’s capable of sorting laundry and grocery shopping!

When you look at high-profile contemporary women, who do you see getting it right?
People like Anne Mulcahy at Xerox, actor Sandra Bullock, and media mogul Oprah Winfrey are all getting it right. They haven’t sacrificed their femininity to get what they want, and they don’t suffer fools gladly. Each is a unique combination of the characteristics that make up the personalities of winning women.

Give us three tips women can put to immediate use to start getting what they want--now!
1. Define with crystal clarity what it is you want that you don’t currently have. It could be a better job, to leave a bad relationship, or to tell your mother-in-law to butt out of your business. Until you can “see” and “say” what you want, you won’t get it.

2. Speak in headlines with taglines. The first thing out of your mouth should be your main point, not a lot of filler words. Give your opinion briefly and succinctly. Then follow it up with an inclusive tagline such as, “You can see I have strong feelings about this. I’d also like to know what you think.” The tagline mitigates the impression of being too aggressive.

3. Avoid V-8 moments. Rather than walk away from difficult conversations thinking, “I should have said __________,” prepare in advance for resistance. If you know your husband will be resistant to you going back to work, consider what his objections might be and have a response ready.

From Publishers Weekly

Frankel (Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office) and Frohlinger (coauthor, Her Place at the Table) provide a broad set of skills women can use to achieve goals when dealing with anyone, anywhere, whether a disparaging sister-in-law, a contractor who can't remember what was agreed upon in previous discussions, or a boyfriend who lets you pay for most of the meals and entertainment. Employing case studies and self-assessment and visualization exercises, the authors urge readers not to let early experiences define them and limit their expectations of themselves or invest equally in every relationship. They advise paying attention to subtle messages given by others, developing a thicker skin, and asking directly for what you need rather than hinting around, as well as avoiding passive-aggressive behavior; learn to interrupt a discussion "with aplomb"; and being proactive in both your personal and professional lives. Despite nuggets of helpful advice, this book feels like an also-ran to Frankel's previous trail-blazing bestseller. (Apr.)
(c) Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved.

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Customer Reviews

Very good book and very informative.
Joyce White
Lois Frankel's latest book, NICE GIRLS JUST DON'T GET IT, with Carol Frohlinger is a gem of a resource!
Chiyo
Put it by your bedside table to pick up and read over and over again.
Susan P.

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

21 of 21 people found the following review helpful By Diane K. Danielson on April 25, 2011
Format: Hardcover
Based on the authors' previous books I was expecting more of a business book, so the focus on readers' personal lives threw me off at first. Then I realized that while I never had the problem of being a "nice girl" on the job, I was (and still can be) completely different in my personal life. This is why I found value in the authors' ability to spread the "winning woman" concept beyond the office.

The best parts of the book were when Frankel and Frohlinger used realistic case studies. For example, they discussed situations where you may be in a relationship that is not ideal, whether it's with a boss, a colleague, an in-law, or a significant other. Their advice wasn't just "leave," which often is not an option. Instead, it was on how to manage the situation/relationship. Other helpful tools include examples of tough conversations and a thought-provoking self-assessment quiz at the beginning.

On a more comprehensive scope, I read this book at the same time that I was reading When Everything Changed: The Amazing Journey of American Women from 1960 to the Present. Together they emphasized the Laurel Thatcher Ulrich quote: "Well-behaved women rarely make history."

I highly recommend this for women who feel that they are not making the impact in the world that they would like or who are feeling undervalued, overlooked, and/or taken advantage of either in their home or the workplace.

The only downside I found to reading this book was that I couldn't help but wish that someone had given it to me in my 20s. What I most enjoyed was that the authors' style is reminiscent of sitting down with your "super-cool" aunts or trusted business mentors over coffee or a glass of wine.
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18 of 18 people found the following review helpful By Lindsey Pollak on April 19, 2011
Format: Hardcover
Many people think about negotiation skills when it comes to situations such as agreeing to a salary for a new job or haggling price with a car dealer. These "big" moments are important, but the reality is that we are negotiating multiple times a day in both our personal and professional lives. And many people -- women in particular -- aren't always great at advocating for what we want. If you struggle with issues like negotiation and boundary setting, "Nice Girls Just Don't Get It" is a must-read. It's a guide to achieving large and small goals in every aspect of life, ranging from dealing with your boss to dealing with your mother-in-law.

Through a combination of engaging anecdotes and very specific tactics, Lois Frankel and Carol Frohlinger provide page after page of wise advice. And they help you customize the tips so you can carry them out in an authentic, comfortable way. I came away with tons of good strategies and ideas, and I know that I'll be referring back to this book frequently. Highly recommended!
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14 of 14 people found the following review helpful By Glenda Madrid on April 21, 2011
Format: Hardcover
This book is must reading for women at all stages of life. In her earlier books Lois Frankel provided much-needed information to women about building a career in a male dominated business world. In this book, Lois and Carol Frohlinger offer practical advice gleaned from their years of research, experience, and interviews with women of all ages and lifestyles.

I like the format of the book. It is divided into seven sections, each describing a strategy for building skills, beliefs, and knowledge needed for overcoming the challenges that prevent all of us from getting what we want from life. Within each strategy, tactics are identified that can help women achieve their personal and professional goals. For example, in the "Build Relationships That Work for You" strategy, 17 tactics are described that include scenarios and examples to help build and manage relationships.

I particularly liked the "Relationships" section, as that is where I think I need the most help in getting the life I want. Even though I am now retired from the corporate world, the tactics described will help me better manage my relationships with my family, with friends, and with people in some of the volunteer agencies I work with. I plan to read and re-read that discussion and other pertinent sections in the book so that I can feel more confident that my interactions with others will have a successful outcome.

This book will help every woman learn how to get more from life, and I strongly recommend it!
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7 of 7 people found the following review helpful By Diane Rankin on May 15, 2011
Format: Hardcover Verified Purchase
As I started to read Nice Girls Just Don't Get It, I realized that this was a gem of a book that needed me to slow down and digest the wonderful tactics for success. I have been a successful executive at a large firm for almost 20 years, and especially found Straegy IV, Craft Meaningful Messages, beneficial. (Authors, notice I used the word AND and not the word But!) Not only did I highlight numerous tactics in yellow, but I marked pages with post-its for quick reference. Often when I was reading, my husband would ask, "What are you highlighting?" He too now quotes from the book, especially the line, "Build a bridge and get over it!" Speaking of men learning from this book, my 25 year old daughter is encouraging her boyfriend to read it. Nice Girls is now on my desk with my other favorite reference books, and is a must read for my women employees.
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