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Nice Girls Just Don't Get It: 99 Ways to Win the Respect You Deserve, the Success You've Earned, and the Life You Want Hardcover – April 19, 2011
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Nice girls put everyone else’s needs before their own. They hesitate to take action because they don’t want to make waves or be labeled a bitch, and they don’t ask for what they want so as not to appear high maintenance. Winning women factor their needs in with those of others. They know how to approach confrontations without being confrontational and they are willing to take risks in diplomatically asking for what they’ve earned, deserve, or want. What are some of the most common mistakes women make when it comes to getting the things they most want in life and why do they make them?
1. Not knowing what they want! Women have been socialized to put others needs before their own, so frequently they can’t put a figure on exactly what it is they do want, or are afraid to express it for fear that others will see them as greedy or needy. 2. Not knowing when it’s time to walk away from a bad situation. Women often think they can turn it around or that it’s their fault, when in fact neither is true. 3. Communicating indirectly. They expect others to read their minds, use so many words when expressing themselves that others tune out or can’t figure out what they really want, and put their assertions in the form of questions. All of these behaviors contribute to unclear and diluted messages. Why are men often better negotiators than women?
The reasons are complicated. Women are as good as men when they are negotiating on behalf of others (such as their families) but fall short when they are negotiating for themselves, for example, when they negotiate salary. Nice girls have a particularly difficult time as negotiators because they tend to accept the rules as they are, failing to recognize they can challenge the status quo. Take the all-too-common situation of the woman who holds down a job and then heads home for the “second shift.” She fails to recognize the opportunity to negotiate a more equitable solution with her family--she’s not the only person who’s capable of sorting laundry and grocery shopping! When you look at high-profile contemporary women, who do you see getting it right?
People like Anne Mulcahy at Xerox, actor Sandra Bullock, and media mogul Oprah Winfrey are all getting it right. They haven’t sacrificed their femininity to get what they want, and they don’t suffer fools gladly. Each is a unique combination of the characteristics that make up the personalities of winning women. Give us three tips women can put to immediate use to start getting what they want--now!
1. Define with crystal clarity what it is you want that you don’t currently have. It could be a better job, to leave a bad relationship, or to tell your mother-in-law to butt out of your business. Until you can “see” and “say” what you want, you won’t get it. 2. Speak in headlines with taglines. The first thing out of your mouth should be your main point, not a lot of filler words. Give your opinion briefly and succinctly. Then follow it up with an inclusive tagline such as, “You can see I have strong feelings about this. I’d also like to know what you think.” The tagline mitigates the impression of being too aggressive. 3. Avoid V-8 moments. Rather than walk away from difficult conversations thinking, “I should have said __________,” prepare in advance for resistance. If you know your husband will be resistant to you going back to work, consider what his objections might be and have a response ready.
From Publishers Weekly
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Top Customer Reviews
The best parts of the book were when Frankel and Frohlinger used realistic case studies. For example, they discussed situations where you may be in a relationship that is not ideal, whether it's with a boss, a colleague, an in-law, or a significant other. Their advice wasn't just "leave," which often is not an option. Instead, it was on how to manage the situation/relationship. Other helpful tools include examples of tough conversations and a thought-provoking self-assessment quiz at the beginning.
On a more comprehensive scope, I read this book at the same time that I was reading When Everything Changed: The Amazing Journey of American Women from 1960 to the Present. Together they emphasized the Laurel Thatcher Ulrich quote: "Well-behaved women rarely make history."
I highly recommend this for women who feel that they are not making the impact in the world that they would like or who are feeling undervalued, overlooked, and/or taken advantage of either in their home or the workplace.
The only downside I found to reading this book was that I couldn't help but wish that someone had given it to me in my 20s. What I most enjoyed was that the authors' style is reminiscent of sitting down with your "super-cool" aunts or trusted business mentors over coffee or a glass of wine.
Through a combination of engaging anecdotes and very specific tactics, Lois Frankel and Carol Frohlinger provide page after page of wise advice. And they help you customize the tips so you can carry them out in an authentic, comfortable way. I came away with tons of good strategies and ideas, and I know that I'll be referring back to this book frequently. Highly recommended!
I like the format of the book. It is divided into seven sections, each describing a strategy for building skills, beliefs, and knowledge needed for overcoming the challenges that prevent all of us from getting what we want from life. Within each strategy, tactics are identified that can help women achieve their personal and professional goals. For example, in the "Build Relationships That Work for You" strategy, 17 tactics are described that include scenarios and examples to help build and manage relationships.
I particularly liked the "Relationships" section, as that is where I think I need the most help in getting the life I want. Even though I am now retired from the corporate world, the tactics described will help me better manage my relationships with my family, with friends, and with people in some of the volunteer agencies I work with. I plan to read and re-read that discussion and other pertinent sections in the book so that I can feel more confident that my interactions with others will have a successful outcome.
This book will help every woman learn how to get more from life, and I strongly recommend it!
Most Recent Customer Reviews
Many of the same concepts as her first book, but I prefer "NG Don't Get the Corner Office." It was sharper and more observant. This felt like old-hat.Published 4 months ago by JRDallas
The book was great but since I had an ebook that I was reading from my kindle, I was not able to see graphs and tables that were in the book.Published 7 months ago by Martha Ramos
Gives a woman knowledge to take control back of her own life and stop being a people pleaser! I would recommend this book to those who seek wisdom in their lives.Published 10 months ago by john kendrick
My husband has made it a point to tell me several times that I have two personas - one at work and one at home. Read morePublished 12 months ago by Shelbi Roach
I ordered the books for friends of mine who were raised a Nice Girls and ought to get a clue. Nice people say nice things that could be a far stretch from the truth to keep from... Read morePublished 16 months ago by Dutch D.
Truly -- it was information that I knew already. It's sound advice and I'd recommend it if you don't do it. Read morePublished 17 months ago by SAK
This author has absolutely no business writing these books. She talks a good game but does not and/or can not conduct herself in the manner she instructs in her books or lectures. Read morePublished 21 months ago by MKH