Nice Girls Don't Bite Their Neighbors (Jane Jameson, Book 4) [Mass Market Paperback]

Molly Harper (Author)

Book Description

Release date: February 28, 2012 | Series: Nice Girls (Book 4)

Just as Jane Jameson’s unlife seems to be stabilizing, fate sinks its fangs firmly into her butt. Despite her near-phobia of wedding planning, her no-frills nighttime nuptials to her sexy boyfriend, Gabriel, are coming along smoothly. That is, until she turns a fatally wounded teenage acquaintance, and the Council pronounces her responsible for the newborn vamp until he can control his thirst. Jane’s kitchen barely holds enough Faux Type O to satiate the cute teen’s appetite and maintain Gabriel’s jealous streak at a slow simmer. As if keeping her hyperactive childe from sucking the blood out of the entire neighborhood isn’t enough to deal with, the persnickety ghost of Jane’s newly deceased grandma Ruthie has declared war on the fanged residents of River Oaks. Suddenly choosing monogrammed cocktail napkins and a cake she can’t even eat seems downright relaxing in comparison. Tensions inside the house are growing . . . and outside, a sinister force is aiming a stake straight for the center of Gabriel’s heart. Most brides just have to worry about choosing the right dress, but Jane fears that, at this rate, she’ll never make it down the aisle for the wedding all nice girls dream of. . . . “A chuckle-inducing, southern-fried version of Stephanie Plum.” — Booklist

--This text refers to the MP3 CD edition.

Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Molly Harper worked for six years as a reporter and humor columnist for The Paducah Sun. Her reporting duties included covering courts, school board meetings, quilt shows, and once, the arrest of a Florida man who faked his suicide by shark attack and spent the next few months tossing pies at a local pizzeria. Molly lives in western Kentucky with her family.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

1

Whoever said childbirth is the most difficult thing a parent can go through has never dealt with a moody teenage vampire.

—Siring for the Stupid:
A Beginner’s Guide to Raising Newborn Vampires

Three months after he moved into my ancestral home, Gabriel Nightengale’s last box was finally unpacked. The catch was that we could never break up, because I had run out of friends who were willing to help us move.

“I have good news,” he said, striding into the library, where I was sprawled on the velvet chaise longue we’d moved into the room only a few days ago. I was reading Persuasion again, but this time, I was reading Gabriel’s very old, very delicate original edition. It was practically a religious experience.

This was a vastly different library from just a year ago, when it was stuffed with my well-worn paperback versions of Jane Austen and Roald Dahl novels . . . and my creepily extensive collection of unicorn figurines. This was a grown-up library. I’d cleared out quite a bit of space for Gabriel’s books and furniture. It wasn’t a difficult choice, considering that most of his books were valuable antiques, whereas most of mine were purchased at secondhand paperback shops.

I’d also packed most of my unicorn collection away in the cellar, threatening Gabriel with permanent sunburn if he so much as breathed a word about it to Dick.

As Gabriel moved toward me, my pitifully hideous but lovable dog, Fitz, raised his head from my knee. Gently nudging Fitz aside, Gabriel pressed kisses along the line of my throat and announced, “My VHS tapes now have a permanent home in your entertainment center, alphabetized and divided by genre.”

At this announcement, Fitz trotted out of the room in search of some pair of Gabriel’s shoes that he hadn’t managed to chew yet. I peered up at him over the top of the book, cringing. “So now would be a really bad time to tell you that I don’t have a VHS player anymore, right? This is a strictly digital household.”

Gabriel groaned and flopped down next to me. “I’m going to have to buy Casablanca again.”

“You didn’t notice the lack of a VCR in the TV cabinet?” I asked.

He shook his head. “You know I don’t understand half of the gadgets you have around here.”

That was true. The previous week, I’d caught him trying to “reboot” my wireless network by kicking the router across the room. That was a long conversation. I shook my head. “How did I end up in a relationship in which I am the tech person?”

He leaned in and kissed me. “When you taught me how to work my voicemail, I knew I could never let you go.”

I giggled as Gabriel crossed the room and selected an older volume from the crowded shelves. I watched him move, unabashedly lovestruck. My human relationships had been few and far between, but they’d been polite, civilized—boring. I craved Gabriel with a bone-deep lust I’d once reserved exclusively for Godiva truffles. I was fixated, not just in the physical sense—although that was an obvious, and occasionally distracting, bonus—but also with what he thought, how he saw the world, how he saw me. It was addictive to see myself reflected in his liquid silver eyes as strong, beautiful, intelligent, and interesting, though slightly exasperating. We each provided a vital service for the other. He made me stronger, and I kept him from taking himself too seriously.

Gabriel settled in next to me, absorbed in a vintage copy of Jane Eyre. We sat like that for some time, quietly reveling in not having anything to do, anywhere to be. Crisis-free moments like this had been rare in our relationship.

“Jane Eyre?” I asked. “Not your usual selection.”

He nodded. “You’ve only mentioned a dozen or so times that Edward Rochester is second only to Mr. Darcy on your ‘Fictional Character Free Pass List.’ I want to know what I’m up against.”

I smirked, snuggling into his side. “You stand a fair chance. As long as you don’t have a crazy wife hidden away somewhere . . .” I stared at him for a beat.

“I don’t,” he said, shaking his head at me and opening his book.

That may have seemed like an unfair shot, but Gabriel and I had suffered serious relationship issues related to his “careful editing” of his past. Case in point, the fire in my cellar caused by Gabriel’s psycho childe, Jeanine, who had stalked me, nearly killed me with aerosol silver, and eventually arranged for our friend Andrea to be forcibly turned into a vampire. I try to resist pointing out that of all this could have been avoided if Gabriel had told me about Jeanine, instead of playing the tortured “I can’t tell you because you’ll hate me, so I’ll protect you by keeping you in the dark” card.

Trust me, that card never works. I ended up with more undead friends and a serious cleaning bill for smoke damage. And then, as the vampire who technically defeated her in a Taser-versus-lunatic-soaked-in-lamp-oil battle, there was the hassle of receiving the proceeds from Jeanine’s estate through the Council, then donating them to various charities. I didn’t want one penny from her crazy behind darkening my doorway.

“Just checking,” I said, smiling sweetly and earning an undignified but amused snort from Gabriel. I returned my attention to poor, persevering Anne Elliot. Once again, I wondered how she managed to go so many chapters without bitch-slapping every single person she came into contact with. I actually wrote a paper about it in college. My professor deducted points for using the phrase bitch-slap in the title.

It was totally worth it.

I was just settling into the salons of Austenian Bath when Gabriel muttered, “This is strange.”

I looked up to see him pulling a long blue-gray thread from between the nearly translucent pages. My jaw dropped, and I was kneeling on the chaise in a flash. “Is the binding coming loose? No, don’t pull it! I can take it to my book doctor tomorrow night.”

“Stop hyperventilating, sweetheart. I think it’s a bookmark,” he said, pulling on the thread until he’d stretched it into my hand. “Here.”

I wound the thread around my finger. “What passage was it marking?”

He scanned the page and lifted an eyebrow. “It’s an Edward and Jane scene. I know how you love those. Edward’s saying, ‘I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you—especially when you are near me, as now: it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your little frame.’ ”

I was so caught up in watching his lips as they formed the words that I barely noticed the sudden tension on the fiber wound around my finger. I realized now that Gabriel had slipped a ring onto the thread and was sliding it toward me. I watched as the respectable diamond twinkled in the light of the oil lamp.

“I’m not Edward,” Gabriel promised. “I’m not afraid the thread will break and leave me bleeding. Our thread’s already been tested. And it will hold up. I’m asking you to make the link permanent. Please, marry me.”

I smiled as the ring slid into my hand. I can’t say this was a surprise. After the passing of the Federal Undead Marriage Act a few months before, Gabriel had officially proposed with this very tasteful solitaire. And I’d said no. We’d agreed to move in together because I’d told Gabriel that I wasn’t ready to be engaged yet. I was still adjusting to being a vampire. I was still recovering from Zeb and Jolene’s wedding from hell. And oh, yeah, Gabriel’s childe had just tried to murder me in my own home. I needed a breather.

Gabriel had proposed again a few weeks later, and I wasn’t ready. And then again on my birthday, and I still wasn’t ready. Then he’d promised not to ask me again until I was ready. And when he’d said that, I’d suddenly felt ready. And then I’d felt like an idiot, because by then, he’d stopped proposing.

This was no ballpark Jumbotron, no ring hidden in a soufflé. It was the right way for Gabriel to ask me to marry him. And this was the right time.

I nodded, mute, and the tension seemed to drain out of Gabriel. He grinned, slid his hands in my hair, and pulled me close. “I struggled with the right passage, you know,” he said, sliding the ring over my knuckle and kissing the web of skin between my fingers. “I tried all of Austen’s works, but the proposals are all so formal. I thought you would appreciate Edward’s passion. And it still involves a Jane, after all. The ring is a copy of my mother’s. I took the stone from her engagement ring and had a jeweler place it in a titanium setting.”

“Titanium?” I asked.

“Dick knew a guy,” he said.

“Of course he did.”

“You’re a bit rough-and-tumble with jewelry, and I knew it would have to be able to stand up to . . .”

“Nuclear winter?”

His eyebrow lifted. “I never know with you.”

I laughed, throwing my arms around him and knocking him back on the seat and straddling his hips. Hovering over him, I nuzzled his neck, kissing and nipping before my fangs extended. I scraped them along his jugular, making him shudder and snake his hands around my waist, pulling me closer. I threaded my fingers through his coal-black hair and tugged his head back. His own fangs snicked out as he grinned up at me. He cupped my cheeks in his palms an...

Product Details

• Mass Market Paperback: 368 pages
• Publisher: Pocket Books; Original edition (February 28, 2012)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1451641818
• ISBN-13: 978-1451641813
• Product Dimensions: 7.4 x 4.3 x 1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 4.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (59 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #62,235 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Molly Harper worked for six years as a reporter and humor columnist for The Paducah Sun. Her reporting duties included covering courts, school board meetings, quilt shows, and once, the arrest of a Florida man who faked his suicide by shark attack and spent the next few months tossing pies at a local pizzeria. Molly lives in western Kentucky with her family.

Amazon Author Rankbeta 

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#41 in Books > Romance > Fantasy & Futuristic

#86 in Books > Romance > Contemporary

#41 in Books > Romance > Fantasy & Futuristic

#86 in Books > Romance > Contemporary

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

8 of 9 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars Entertaining and funny paranormal read February 28, 2012

By Heather Davis TOP 1000 REVIEWER

Format:Kindle Edition

*Warning: if you have not read the first 3 books in the series, there may be some spoilers*

Nice Girls Don't Bite their Neighbors brings plenty of laughs, supernatural wedding drama, and surprising developments to Half Moon Hollow and vampire bride Jane Jameson. Jane Jameson has only been a vampire for a few years, and suddenly she finds herself a sire and in charge of a brand new vampire. Along with dealing with the fall-out of turning a teenage boy into a vampire, she has to contend with her mother over wedding details, and help her fiancé figure out who is trying to kill them now. The road to the altar is anything but smooth for Jane.

It has been awhile since the last book in the series was released, so I had forgotten some of the circumstances of the precious books. However, I was able to fall right into the story. The story gets interesting right away, with Jane suddenly siring a new vampire and having to handle wedding planning at the same time. I enjoyed this book thoroughly from the very beginning, there was never a dull moment.

Jane and Gabriel are on good terms through the whole book, they have settled into couple-hood, and they keep their relationship interesting and the chemistry is still present between them. I feel like Jane has grown up quite a bit since the early books, she is now a sire, and has to act as a mother type figure to Jamie, her new vampire child. Jane has learned from past mistakes and when trouble arises, she goes straight to the vampire council. I am happy to see that Jane is growing as a character while still being her zany self.

I feel that this book was a bit more mellow than past books. There is still plenty of humor, and I love the snark that Molly Harper writes. It is fun to read, and I enjoy the humor.... However, the circumstances seemed a bit more tame. The villain who is after Jane and Gabriel is inventive, but I don't know if he really trumped previous villains. Nevertheless, I still really enjoyed reading this book, I absolutely love the humor and I enjoyed reading about the characters. The Jane Jameson series is fun, entertaining, and very funny and I am a fan. I am hoping that there will be more books in this series in the future, I will be keeping my eye out for the next installment.

Readers who enjoy paranormal, urban fantasy, and humorous books will like this series. It is a series I recommend.

*I received this book for review* Read more ›

7 of 8 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars A Satisfying Conclusion March 3, 2012

By A Book Obsession.. TOP 1000 REVIEWER

Format:Mass Market Paperback

Now that Jane and Gabriel are finally engaged, she thought the worst of her problems would be dealing with her overbearing mother in the wedding planning. But of course things never come easy for her as fate deals her another nasty hand when she saves a teenage boy from certain death by turning him, and she becomes his new vampire "mommy." To make matters worse, Grandma Ruthie's ghost is on a rampage to reclaim River Oaks and destroy her relationship with Gabriel. Meanwhile, someone else seems determined to get rid of Gabriel permanently even if he has to use Jane to do it. It will take more than a miracle to pull this wedding off.

Never in a million years would I have expected to see Jane sire a new vamp, or if she did, I couldn't see the council letting her be the one to teach him the ropes. The poor girl can barely take care of herself without causing some sort of disaster or catastrophe of epic proportions. Of course in her defense, she usually isn't the instigator, it's just that she is a powerful magnet for trouble. Seriously, she should be quarantined off by caution tape at all times for both her safety and others. So, as you can imagine, more than a little hilarity is involved as she tries to teach a newly turned teenage boy self-control, especially since said boy seems determined to drive Gabriel nuts. The two mix like oil and water, which definitely puts a strain on Gabriel and Jane's upcoming nuptials.Speaking of weddings, I still don't know what Gabriel was thinking when he turned down Jane's offer to elope. I mean does he have amnesia in relation to her family's antics? What is even worse, it that Jane's crazy overdoing mother is barely a nuisance compared to Grandma Ruthie now that she is a ghost tied to River Oaks.... The woman was a menace while she was alive, imagine what she does now that she is dead. Did you shudder? Well, trust me, you should have if you didn't.

Though I guessed early on who the main threat against the couple was despite Jane being pretty oblivious, that did not stop me from enjoying the hilarity that ensued while they were trying to figure it out. Even with this being the fourth installment in this series, it never ceases to amaze me how Molly Harper can make a danger feel threatening while still making you laugh at every turn. Especially when you account for the twists and turns along the way and add in the absurd way things were resolved. It all comes together to make one heck of an enjoyable read.

I didn't know until after I had finished Nice Girls Don't Bite Their Neighbors that it would be the final installment. I've really come to love Jane and the rest of the gang so much, that I am a little disappointed there won't be any more books from Jane's perspective. However, there is a silver lining, as there will be a spin off series featuring a new character we meet in this book, and Jane and Co. are supposed to make appearances. But getting back to Nice Girls Don't Bite Their Neighbors, I felt things ended rather well, and I was quite satisfied with how everyone ended up, so I can say goodbye with a smile. I can always count on a Molly Harper book to make me laugh out loud, and Nice Girls Don't Bite Their Neighbors was no exception. Seriously, if you are ever having a rough day and need a good laugh in a fun paranormal romp, pick up any of her books and you are in for a treat. Read more ›

5 of 6 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars Jane + Being a Mom (Sire) = Priceless! March 9, 2012

By Felicia

Format:Mass Market Paperback

Read from February 29 to March 02, 2012

Read for Fun!
Challenges: Audiobook, Read for Fun
Overall Rating: 4.75
Story Rating: 4.75
Character Rating: 4.75
Audio Rating: 4.50

*Snort Club Member*

First Thought when Finished: Jane + Being a Mom (Sire) = Priceless!

What I Loved: This is one of my favorite series on the planet. Molly Harper is just fantastic at combining humor, heart, and a little heart-beating action in her stories. In this particular entry into the series, she managed to make Jane grow up a bit without losing her sense of humor. The whole storyline of Jane becoming a Mom (sire) to a teenage vamp was just brilliance. She truly hit it out of the park with Jane trying not to sound like a mom and failing miserably. The best part, for me, was the ever-so-polite (and I mean it)redneck bad guy. I was rooting for everything to work out and Molly made it happen. I was just grinning ear to ear when the book ended.

What I Liked: We got to see more of Jane interacting with her family which is always a hoot. I like that they are such a big part of her life even if they don't see eye to eye. Plus, Jane has a fantastic group of friends that are around. I just really like when an author spends the time to make a character well-rounded with friends and family.

Final Thought: I do hope there will be more books in this series!

Audio specific review: At first I was not a fan of A.R.'s voices but now I can't imagine anyone else doing this series. She is fantastic at grabbing Jane's personality and making it shine!