1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
on October 23, 2010
This book was given to me by a friend. Even though I am not or have not been in a destructive relationship I found it very helpful. The book provides excellent insights into ways to identify who you are as a person. I am using some of the advice to make lists and journal as a way to determine which path I want my life to take. Very enjoyable read!!
1 of 2 people found the following review helpful
on March 13, 2011
In No Contact, the author has written a primer in language that is clear and direct on how to recognize a destructive/abusive relationship, and what to do to prepare yourself to get out and stay out, and on how to build up your own self-esteem. Unlike many of the books I have read on this subject, especially those written by someone who has previously been in a destructive relationship, it is not preachy, accusatory, or proselytizing. When the author relates a personal account, it is matter-of-fact: here is what happened, here is how I reacted, here is how I should have reacted. I like how the author takes command of her own actions, as looking inside of ourselves is more important and bears more fruit than trying to figure out why someone else does what THEY do.
There are clear resolutions for those exiting a destructive relationship, and methods to keep you from entering into new bad relationships: how to recognize red flags, how to change small things in your life, and how to become comfortable and happy with yourself before bringing a new person into your life.
I remember stating to someone I was dating who was on a rant about "something" they felt I did wrong or "something(s)" that were wrong with me (honestly, I was tuning him out, so I'm not sure what the rant was about), "If it makes you feel better about yourself to put other people down, knock yourself out." (Needless to say, I didn't keep dating that person). The author here echoes that in a statement, "It makes them feel better about themselves if they can make us feel inferior." Small statements like that can be enough for a reader to recognize those nagging feelings they've had about a present relationship enough for them to step back, look at the whole picture, and realize that the reason they're unhappy is because they are with a destructive person.
Although the book could have used a copy editor (there are some typos here and there and missing or misplaced punctuation), this doesn't take away from the overall message.
The book is very realistic about what someone leaving will feel, and even allows that there are sometimes "relapses" where you may talk to the person you left or even allow yourself to re-enter the relationship - even if you do this, it's important not to let yourself be pulled right back into the destruction. Keep your boundaries and stay true to your own self and interests.
One of the best and most direct books I've read on this subject, I would recommend it for anyone who is or has been in a destructive relationship (which doesn't always have to include physical abuse; emotional and/or financial abuse is just as damaging), or for anyone who knows someone in a destructive relationship.
Above all, don't be so dependent on another person, that the value you place on yourself is determined by the attention they pay to you.
Once you have made it clear you're no longer interested don't take their calls and don't open the door to them.
(On dating a new person): This person should enhance your life, not cause additional stress or make you feel guilty for continuing with your interests and hobbies.