Customer Reviews

No More Christian Nice Guy: Why Being Nice-- Instead of Good-- Hurts Men, Women, and Children

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Years ago, I attended a Passion Play put on by a small church. The guy who played Christ walked through the part like an emotionless robot. Later he regretted showing his bare chest during the crucifixion scene, saying that, "I save it for my wife." It's this kind of limp attitude towards Christ and masculinity that "No More Christian Nice Guy" takes a stand against.

The book is an entry into the "Wild At Heart" and "Tender Warrior" segment of the Christian men's genre. It's the author's contention that male believers have fallen prey to passivity, and also follow an emasculated parody of Christ. His strong face-offs against the Pharisees and other confrontational moments are ignored. Instead, today's "gentle Jesus" kind of man shows no emotion and has no backbone. Many believe that it's better to be a "Christian Nice Guy" (CNG) for the sake of "harmonious fellowship." Rebuke is labeled as "unloving," so people are allowed to continue along harmful paths without needed correction. Risks are avoided in favor of "praying about it first," so crucial ministries go unfilled. And Christian men seeking to be equally yoked are labeled as "predators" by sisters who consider dating a swear word.

I've seen the damaging results of the CNG trend in the church as well, and even bought into some of it despite the protests of my conscience. The author, while praising the original goals of the feminist movement, blames it for shaming men into becoming CNGs. Ironically, modern women express dismay at the CNG, and either avoid dating them or regret marrying one. "No More Christian Nice Guy" calls for men to put on the strong masculinity that women find attractive, but leave behind the macho and chauvinist attitudes that dishonor them. Passive response is rejected in favor of being proactive for God's glory. Showing genuine emotion, taking courageous (not foolhardy) risks, and rebuking wrong behaviors are held up as exemplary behaviors that are helpful to others.

Mr. Coughlin challenges those with a Y chromosome to be good men instead of nice guys. There seems to be a backlash building against the "CNG" phenomenon. I pray that "No More Christian Nice Guy" will continue that trend and encourage a generation of mighty Christian men to come forth.

No More Christian Nice Guy is a book targetted toward men who have been convinced (either by family, a particular church, or both) that masculinity is a bad thing, that men are more sinful than women, and that men should embrace a passive stance.

The first few chapters are reactionary and not very good. But, beginning with chapter 5, the book shines. Coughlin emphasizes the importance of male assertiveness, and explains how wimpy men ruin marriages. His chapter on, "We're men, not euncuhs" is excellent. Coughlin tells us there is nothing wrong with being male, and being a Biblical male is different from being the type of male some/many churches advocate.

Scattered throughout the book are deep and meaningful quotations from the likes of C.S. Lewis and other deep thinkers. Though this book is written straight from the shoulder (the author's style is very masculine), and though certain aspects of it seem simplistic, other sections are deep and significant.

Unlike Elderidge's work, Coughlin gives room for men to be different from him (he divides them into Passive, Aggressive, and Assertive). He is clearly targetting, "Christian Nice Guys" (passives) who have been tamed and forced into a feminine mold.

The good points in this book are very good, to the point that they offset the bad points.

What are the bad points? There are a number of inaccuracies in this book, and the author's own experiences color his perspective. Nonetheless, this book is worth reading.

He embraces the mindless use of the term, "the church." But what is "the church?" It is a theological term for the entire family of true believers. What the author means -- and should say (as should countless others) is something like, "the churches with which I am familiar." Many pastors and congregations have worked hard to be a few cuts above; give us credit, will you? On page 61, I wrote my own comment, "Why doesn't this guy find a good church?"

Although this book has its rough edges and a few glaring problems, it is overall an excellent book -- except for those who think they must agree with everything about a book. Such people probably need this book most of all!

This is one of those books that makes reviewers like me spend an inordinate amount of time trying to condense the author's premise. It's not because the premise is so complicated; it's because of the myriad filters, grids, and perspectives through which readers approach lightning-rod topics like genderism. A tyrannical, controlling male pastor will read this book, and this review, through a grid similar to the one used by the wife of a tyrannical, controlling Christian man. They'll interpret Paul Coughlin's call for a return to the authentic, biblical Jesus as a role model for Christian men in an entirely different way than would, say, the wife of a passive Christian Nice Guy, the classic CNG.

No matter where you live, no matter where you worship --- no matter where you go, for heaven's sake --- you've met your share of CNGs, Christian Nice Guys who traded in the gospel of Jesus Christ for the gospel of playing it safe. As a former CNG, Coughlin recognizes the fear that keeps these men believing in only a meek and mild Jesus --- and believing this is the only view of Jesus they should emulate. Coughlin likens this bogus portrayal of Jesus to that of a "bearded woman" or a glowing pretty-boy who has just received a "to-die-for facial." But the Jesus of the Gospels, Coughlin writes, operates along the entire "tender-tough spectrum." A meek and mild wimp doesn't overturn the moneychangers' tables or use heavy doses of sarcasm --- even if it is the "blessed sarcasm" used by Jesus, which, Coughlin points out, He inherited from His own Father.

The son of an off-the-charts abusive woman, Coughlin learned early on to play it safe. You'd think a personal encounter with the Lion of Judah would have led him into a life of boldness and adventure, but no. The church intervened and taught him to be a docile CNG who never makes waves, never makes a scene (think of Jesus here!), and thus never makes a difference. A series of revelations caused Coughlin to re-examine the kind of man the church had fashioned him into. (My personal favorite was the time he failed to move quickly enough when a traffic light turned green, and he looked in the rearview mirror to discover that the horn-honking, red-faced, livid driver behind him was none other than his "perfect" pastor.)

A result of those revelations is a changed man who has started what he calls a Good Guy Rebellion --- a call for Christian men to trade in their niceness for genuine goodness, echoing C.S. Lewis's description of Aslan in THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE as a lion who is not safe but good. Good guys, he points out, may not be very popular in churches that want to keep them under their thumb, but the transformation from CNG to Good Guy will earn them the long-lost respect of their wives and children, and steer them into a life of authentic obedience to the powerful God they've wanted to serve all along.

My recommendation? Read this along with Dave Murrow's WHY MEN HATE GOING TO CHURCH. But read it only after you have resolved to approach it with an open mind and with a genuine desire to understand Coughlin's perspective. If you don't read the book in its entirety, you'll miss the big picture. And it's a picture no one in the church should miss, especially CNGs and their wives. Oh, and let's not forget all those CNGs who have left the church for the very reasons that made them CNGs in the first place.

Paul Coughlin's treatise on masculinity for Christian men is unsubtle in tone. His argument is repetitive. His research is narrow and clichéd. He wears his heart too much on his sleeve.

All in all, a very worthwhile book.

Somebody has to raise his voice to get attention when a point of view has its plausibility smothered at the outset by prevailing assumptions and by cultural trends so monolithic as to appear obvious. Until somebody says 'Why?'. Or - in Paul Coughlin's case - 'No way!'

Because I believe this book is a standard-bearer for a reconfiguration of masculinity by Christian men today, I'm going to review it in somewhat more detail than might be expected.

Coughlin is angry, but he's not out of control. If you think those two descriptions are synonymous, you really need to read this book. Anger is not violence. Anger is not rage. Anger is not bad. Equanimity in the face of outrage can be the coldest cut of all. Coughlin wants you to know he's mad for the right reasons, and that his anger has led him and may lead you to constructive engagement rather than withdrawal or violence (whether emotional or physical).

In the first of his eleven chapters ('Christian Nice Guys Aren't So Nice', pp. 13-27), the author rips into what 'the church' has taught guys they are to become. In my judgment, Coughlin's major weakness is his penchant for blaming 'the church' either directly or by use of a damning passive: 'we have been taught ...' To be fair, Coughlin does offer caveats at intervals ('I heard what I wanted to hear'.) Yet he leaves the scent of victimization at the hands of nameless ecclesiastics, something that in his better moments he denies.

At the same time his gift for a turn of phrase is evident from these first pages. 'The church taught me to worry more about sin than purpose, more about keeping up appearances than searching for and embracing meaning. More about what I shouldn't do than what I should do. More about being nice than being good. Fear of failure, of falling short, of trying, but not being perfect, has us paralyzed, immobile, and, eventually, indifferent.'

If Coughlin is even half right about the problem - this reviewer believes he is - then we ought to tolerate a bit of shouting and bad prose on the way to naming the thing.

How did we get here? Coughlin believes the agent was a feminized Jesus, thrust upon us in an attempt to get men to behave *nicely*. As a result, says Coughlin, men stay away from churches in droves.

I'm not competent to say whether men stay away from church en masse for the reason Coughlin cites, though I suspect their reasons for doing so are rather more complicated than that. Still, as a young man I was drawn to a masculine, athletic, self-confident and genuine pastor to my considerable good because his masculinity *contrasted* with that of other Christians I knew. As a product of that and other experiences like it, I can affirm from personal experience that Coughlin is on to something. A more nuanced analysis might take into account that men abandon church for all sorts of reasons, leaving the institution in the hands of women who - quite naturally - shape the place to their own tastes and preferences.

In chapter three, ('Other Earnest but Damaging Church Messages to Men', pp. 48-68), Coughlin introduces one of the most powerful notions of that particular sector of the men's movement that he represents: 'domestication' (sometimes 'over-domestication). Such an idea might seem alien to the working woman who returns to clean up the candy wrappers and beer cans that mark the orbit of the underemployed couch potato who slouches at its center.

Yet for all its photogenic awfulness, this sight is not a part of the life of millions of men who return from *their* consuming job to find babies thrust into their arms, dishwashers waiting to be loaded by them, a spouse or significant other who needs to verbalize the last 14 hours and anticipates full attention as she does. Coughlin is on to an important reality in the lives of many men at this point in feminism's long run into the cultural mainstream.

Women reading this review might feel nudged at this point to sketch out the cumulative acquisition of roles that has weighed *them* down, too, in recent decades. And they'd be right. But this is not the moment. Coughlin is inserting a word edge-wise into a debate that is largely carried out in terms of soccer moms, overworked wives, and the partners of men with the interpersonal aptitude of an over-ripe cabbage. Coughlin wants us to listen for just a moment while he speaks for men who are not like that. And who want to become better.

Coughlin says 'the church' (there he goes again ...) tells men to shift their basic nature from rugged to gentle. He thinks that's the message men least need to hear, though he's aware that rugged is no more synonymous with 'good' than gentle is: 'As broached in chapter 1, it would be much easier and cleaner if the Christian Nice Guy problem were solely the fault of the church's good intentions. But the problem goes deeper. We need to advance our reasoning skills so we can obtain additional insight into ourselves and into God ... We sometimes don't recognize paradox or tension in the Bible or, for that matter, with life in general. Good people are both gentle and rugged, depending on the circumstance (this title is italicized in Coughlin's book). There's no incongruity here.'

Coughlin's model hews to the ancient Christian concept of imitatio dei, in which God - the Rugged and the Gentle par excellence - is the model for human behavior, in this case male human behavior. The church, he thinks, has split God down the middle and told men to act like the gentle half.

Paul Coughlin knows a lot about shame as the fruit of abuse and abandonment, and passivity as its survival strategy. He is the son of an awful woman (Chapter four, 'Childhood, Where We Learned to Live Small', pp. 69-88). If you want to know about her, chapter four will give you enough to make you cringe. Autobiography becomes didactic in that Coughlin claims to have conquered these adaptive deficiencies and to invite other men who have *learned* to live small to do the same.

Women don't respect passive men. I have heard that mantra from many sources, many of them female and a host of them representing ideological angles that would seem to cancel each other out except that they agree on this. As a text critic who knows how to weigh and evaluate disparate exemplars of the same ancient text, I have learned this: when widely varying textual samples agree, you nearly always have an early and genuine reading. So I think it's true: Women don't respect passive men. Coughlin doesn't think so either (Chapter five, 'How Being "Nice" Ruins Love and Marriage', pp. 89-105).

Further, he claims that 'most women don't divorce their husbands due to abuse (only about 6 percent), but because of a general lack of closeness or of "not feeling loved and appreciated".' A pedant might object that most women don't divorce their husbands at all. But Coughlin makes his point. Male passivity is a toxic chemical that is only appropriate in one or two contexts, but leaks like a busted tanker in our generation. To borrow a phrase from popular culture, it isn't what women want.

There is a potent feminist reflex that often kicks in at this point and insists that passive men are better than violent men, and that you only need to visit a women's shelter to absorb the truth of that. This reviewer believes that instinct for polarization of the options is both sad and convenient. Sad, because it masks the truth to well-meaning people (many of them self-declared feminists) who would welcome a good and genuine alternative if they could only see it. Convenient, because like most ideological rigidities it motivates no one to do the hard work of seeking and finding the truth.

Coughlin is not urging violence or self-centered masculinity over against what he considers to be endemic masculine passivity. Though it will be considered a smokescreen by some suspicious readers, Coughlin is calling men to an active engagement with their women that values and nourishes the latter while refusing to assume the diminished role that our culture would reserve for men, sometimes as penitence for crimes against women with which they had literally nothing to do.

I find the author's sixth chapter (We're Men, Not Eunuchs', pp. 106-115) his most poignant. Coughlin is perturbed by a kind of false piety that he believes prevents women from doing the work of discovering their man's sexual needs and responding to them. As a product of Christian and churchly upbringing, I find myself in essential agreement. I estimate that, on those occasions when shared sexual life has become a topic of instruction or pious conversation, perhaps 95% of its burden has been to compel the animal-esque male to be more sensitive to his wife's less earthy needs and pace. Coughlin wants to turn the tables on this and ask whether men can have just a moment to respond. Bravo to him for doing so! My own unscientific polling on this dynamic appears to suggest that the men I know (admittedly, a self-selecting group) are more rather than less knowledgeable about the sexual needs of both genders than their respective partners. Maybe I'm wrong. Probably I'm overstating. But the received truth on this matter lies so far to the other end of the continuum that Coughlin deserves a sympathetic reading as much here as anywhere in his rough-edged book.

Coughlin believes that an emasculated view of men harms boys as well as women and girls (chapter 7, 'Confused to Vilified: Our Culture's View of Masculinity', pp. 116-137). I find it difficult to argue with his conclusions, not least because I've begun counting the number of television advertisements that welcome school children home from a day spent mostly in the care of women (full disclosure: the public school which my two boys attend has superb men as well as women in the classroom) by casting men as buffoons who simply don't get it. I enjoy these ads, too, because they're funny. But I've learned to play the critical observer role by pointing out the cumulative effect on perceptions of gender that this man-as-dingbat trend establishes, something the Third Culture Kid young men in my household, with their savvy ability to triangulate on all assertions of authority, need little help in deconstructing.

Coughlin has clearly been burnt and perhaps burnt badly in the workplace (chapter eight, 'Nice Guy, Naïve Guy: How Being Nice Hurts Men at Work', pp. 138-153). It's impossible to assess the landscape here with only one angle on the proceedings. Some readers will find his warnings about family and over-spiritualized work environments helpful.

Chapters nine and ten are required reading for those who still feel cynical after reading this far into this review. ('Masculinity: The Journey from Nice Guy to Good Guy (Part 1)', pp. 154-167; 'Masculinity: The Journey from Nice Guy to Good Guy (Part 2)', pp. 168-182). There you find Coughlin's celebration of domesticity--in its proper proportions--and a definition of masculinity that ignores the cringing, embraces risk, faces down fear, and actually protects the weak and vulnerable who surround a man. I can hardly think of a more biblical notion. A final chapter tosses words at patches that got missed first time around (chapter ten, 'Practical Help for Your New Life Ahead', pp. 199-224).

So what is Paul Coughlin trying to say, and does it matter?

By my lights, he's a talk-radio host who has taken seriously the oral tradition offered by ten thousand callers and detected a trend that runs counter to conventional gender history but rings true in the hearts of men and women who have found cultural convention to be empty relational calories, drained of character and oversold on taste.

He's chosen to write a man's book for men. I think he's got a woman's book in him, but he has chosen not to lead with that book. A reviewer has to evaluate what an author has actually claimed to write. Coughlin has written a necessary book.

He's over-blamed the church and allowed himself to sound like he and other men are victims. But he's over-written perception--not always effectively--with moments of lucidity that need to be taken as seriously as his occasionally over-heated narrative.

He has asked us to consider whether standard egalitarian ideology has not robbed men of something precious, without which it proves difficult or impossible for them to fulfill a hard-wired calling. He claims that feminism's necessary pendulum-swinging project has been too successful for its own good, that in entering the mainstream this dialectical movement has not become stuck (temporarily, but too long) in the 'antithesis' position.

He has not sketched out in any detail what a new synthesis might look like. He has merely stated with some passion that where we are right now ain't it.

Bully for Coughlin. May Nice Guys turn into Good Guys in droves and make us forget the day when the Cult of Niceness was the law of the land. Women *and* men will rejoice in that day.

'No More Christian Nice Guy' is the most applicable and real take on Christian masculinity to date. It surfaced many of the lies the church and my parents (often unintentionally) embedded in me at a young age, forcing me to wrestle with my own version of "Christian Nice Guy" syndrome. Coughlin's transparent heart will aid hurting men, while his personal "recovery" story is filled with life-giving honesty. Coughlin believes the church and our culture has essentially robbed men of our masculinity, resulting in passive, fearful, lifeless "nice" guys. He encourages men to take risks, to use their gifts and go into the world boldly, embracing leadership and love without fear-to stop being abused at work, at home and in relationships. He paints a compelling picture of a dangerous, revolutionary Jesus we should strive to follow and emulate. Like Aslan in 'The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe,' Jesus isn't "safe," but he is "good." Coughlin shares the same vision for Christian men, noting Jesus' sharp wit, sarcasm and fearless entry into conflict-a topic most Christian men choose to avoid. He confronts pressing issues in the church, marriage, and life in general, encouraging men to deal with problems instead of repressing them. For example, do you struggle loving others and yourself? Fear and love cannot co-exist. Coughlin also rejects the widely-promoted view today that Christianity is trouble-free and a life spent seeking comfort. In the end, he shows how "Nice Guys" can live more like Jesus as "Good Men." 'No More Christian Nice Guy' is a must-read for Christian men. The church needs this book.

No More Christian Nice Guy by Paul Coughlin is not for the faint of heart. Many may pass the book by because of its title. To do so would be a mistake. This book is for the millions of Christian men (and women) who know that their lives don't reflect the blessings that God has promised, who know that there is more to the Christian life than they've been experiencing--and who are seriously ready to hear what God is trying to say about who we are really supposed to be as Christians--especially as Christian men.

"Christian Nice Guy" (CNG)--even the phrase polarizes. Is it something you want to be, or something to be avoided like the plague? Coughlin has this to say: "Children are confused as to why their Christian father appears to be a strong and stable presence at church, always smiling and nodding, but then seems to physically and emotionally abandon them when they most obviously need protection and affection."

And. "A CNG husband has been enslaved to the notion that if his wife isn't happy--for whatever reason--then it's up to him to fix it."

And finally, "It is foolish and damaging not to require respect in a marriage relationship; respect is a fundamental building block of all healthy connection. Interpersonally, those who don't mandate respect are among the most unattractive people.

But Coughlin does not simply go on a rampage. He opens the scripture to constructive alternatives to the courses that we've been following for too long. In part he challenges us to examine the messages that men have been sent:

"Boys are stupid--throw rocks at them!" and "The Stupid Factory--where boys are made" were actually massages printed on t-shirts sold in over 3500 stores across the United States. The media said nothing, but what if the word "girl" were substituted for boy? The cries about abuse and abusive would be almost immediate.

Coughlin sums it up this way: "Man's heart has been crushed by hearing and believing that not only is he not necessary--he is fully disposable."

Armchair Interviews says: This book is about reclaiming biblical masculinity. It is about using love to drive out fear. It is about the journey from nice guy to good guy. We hope many will embark on the journey.

As a mother of 3 boys I was interested to read this book based on hearing about the group Godmen. Some of the reviews say the book is hard-hitting and 'in your face'. I didn't feel that way at all. I saw it more as a plea. I even cried a few times while reading it. I'm not into self-help books AT ALL and this one, along with Being A Christian Without Being An Idiot, are the first two I've bought in probably 10 years. I read them both cover to cover and feel I've gained important insight into raising my sons to be godly men.

I've been frustrated for years by the so-called male leadership in the church. They do an okay job but seem hampered in some way. Then I hear men talk about the 'feminization of the church'. That offends me because it sounds like a cop out. If woman are leading it's because men refuse to, and it smacks of the whole 'the woman made me do it' line by Adam in the garden. LOL

The book helped me understand how this came about and makes me more empathetic to men. :) I'm thrilled to see men becoming more masculine and rising up to live out their God-given roles and pray this book makes it into the hands of the suffering men out their who lead their lives in quiet desperation.

For many Christian men, there is a lot of truth here. I was raised in a time and culture where "young Christian man" was basically synonymous with "folk-singer". Our model was the ever-present painting of Jesus, which, according to Coughlin, portrays Christ as a "refugee from a Breck shampoo ad."

Much of this book spoke to me; being timid doesn't serve my church or my family well. While the excesses of some men are well-documented, we don't have to be afraid of any book that encourages men to stand up for their beliefs and themselves. Men are NOT just hairy women, any more than women are frail men. Incredibly, I was taught that any anger was a sin. Needless to say, these teachers really had to tap-dance when the scripture about Christ scourging the temple was brought up.

"No More Christian Nice Guy" is not a polemic in favor of righteous anger or male dominance. It does call Christian men to follow a balanced model of Christ, the man. He was a gentle shepherd and a stern teacher. At some point in their lives, people need both.

In this book, Coughlin traces how men become "nice," and passive as a result of church and family upbringing. He discusses his own upbringing and show how these men lose out in marriage, sex, and work. While he does a great job about faults of the church, I don't think he does enough of a job of helping men recover.

Coughlin is a radio show host and his purpose in his book is to start a rebellion in churches, so men will stand up. Unfortunately, it is not such a good book for men who want to heal themselves because his suggestions are scattered throughout the book and somewhat vague. If you are a man and want to cure yourself of the Nice Guy syndrome, check out the original book by Dr. Robert Glover. Coughlin (incorrectly) cites Glover several times in the book. He also uses many concepts from Glover's book, but calls them different names. What is sorely lacking point in this book is that it doesn't deal with the issue of sexuality and the single man, a major source of a man's confusion and problems. Coughlin also states that his teenage years were good, but for most nice guys, that's bad experiences lead to worse experiences, sealing the nice guy syndrome into someone.

However, this is the book I wish I could have written because it realistically shows how the church contributes to the problem. He talks about the origins of shame and how church people react. He discusses how women in the church shame men. He points out how Christian businesses can be a trap, rather than a blessing. And he backs up a lot of what the problems in church "niceness" with bible verses, which I liked. While I agreed with his radical Bible verse interpretations, I don't think the typical nice guy would have the courage to challenge that.

In summary, great book on how the church shames men. If you want to know about that, read this. On the other hand, if you are a nice guy frustrated by your love, sex, or work life, I recommend No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover instead, followed by Way of the Superior Man by David Deida.

As the President of an online publicity company, I often that helps promote Christian books I often get many books that I can't even begin to finish, Paul Coughlin's book No More Christian Nice Guy isn't one of them.

The day I received the book I was instantly drawn into the topic, the style of writing and the powerful message that Coughlin puts out. In fact here is what I entered on my company blog the day after I received the book.

"Yesterday I received a copy of No More Christian Nice Guy and all I can say is "Go and Get this book!"

This is one of the best books I've read in recent days and I can't recommend it enough.

The premise of the book is that men in the church are "too nice" and also "not like Jesus" because of this niceness. Translated into therapeutic terms, Christian men are often passive aggressive and wimpy.

Okay the wimpy part wasn't a therapeutic term. But it does describe most of the men I see. (I'm also a marriage and family therapist)

The author discusses the tough and rough side of Jesus and how men have been tricked into believing that they should always be "nice" and gentle, and loving bla bla bla.

It's a great book and a great wake up call for the times in which we live. And it's time men began to stand up and be men.

Men need to be involved in public policy fights. They need to be fathers to their children. They need to be manly men to their wives. They need to have a spine and conviction. They need to be able to be more like Jesus, and now is the time."

I highly recommend this book as a marriage counselor, and as a Christian who has a passion to see the Church grow and mature in Him. Buy the book today and buy one for your friends too.