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21 of 21 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
No regrets in reading this book, October 21, 2005
This review is from: No Regrets: A Ten-Step Program for Living in the Present and Leaving the Past Behind (Paperback)
We live in a world in which twelve-step programmes abound, and worthy and worthwhile as they are, in fact there is nothing sacred about the number twelve that means every process must follow the same number of steps. Perhaps this is a minor observation with which to start, but I did find as I looked through the ten-step programme of Hamilton Beazley that the process is fairly complete, not really lacking in any particular step, and applaud Beazley for not trying to force his system into twelve steps, for the twelve-step anonymous programmes are something different in many ways.
This is a book about the past, about how the past impacts our lives and how we can more clearly see what it is we should hold fast to, and what we should let go. The title and the text often use the term 'regrets', but in fact this is as much about forgiveness as it is about regret - regret is often our inability to forgive ourselves, our situation, or some other aspect of our past, and forgiveness is a difficult practice.
I use the word 'practice' here, because it is an important concept that Beazley incorporates fully into his work - the ten-step process is a multi-layered practice for overcoming regret and both practicing and embodying forgiveness. So often we treat the idea of forgiveness as if it is something that is easy to do, and something that is a one-off occurrence. Sometimes we may have convinced ourselves that in fact we have forgiven or let go of a long-standing hurt, only to find it resurface at inopportune and inappropriate times.
'While we cannot change a past event, we can change our reaction to it, our understanding of it, and what we do with it.' The ten-step programme here takes advantage of the success and experience of others in similar situations (including the twelve-step programmes), and incorporates many kinds of spiritual practice. Like its cousin twelve-steps, it doesn't require adherence to any particular organised or institutional religion.
In the first section, Beazley sets the stage by looking at what regrets are and aren't, and giving a short encapsulation of what the steps will be, and how one uses spiritual and psychological tools and methods. While this is a book that would be wonderful to use in a group setting or in consultation with a therapist, spiritual director or other counselor, it is also a book that can be used to good effect by the individual seeker. The first piece is understanding, and the first requirement is honesty.
In the first step, one lists regrets. This requires honest appraisal and reflection, not exaggeration but also not overlooking pieces. This does not mean that things will not be honestly missed or forgotten. One of the good things about these steps is that, while there is advantage to them being worked in order, they are not lock-step in progression, and one can go back to rework steps or add to what has been done.
In these steps, the one on the journey will do a lot of examination, soul-searching, and a lot of growing. Beazley uses personal stories of his own as well as others he's encountered to show in example how many of the items and steps can work.
There are appendices that include further readings, summaries and quick references. Similarly, the first few chapters are worth repeating several times in the process. This is not a once-and-for-all process; while it can be a life-changing process, life still progresses, and much in the way that twelve-step programmes continue over and over to reach new levels, this process can as well.
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27 of 29 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars
Too oriented toward the religious, January 4, 2008
This review is from: No Regrets: A Ten-Step Program for Living in the Present and Leaving the Past Behind (Paperback)
The author pleads a mea culpa for his religiousity and claims that "[a]theists and agnostics, devoted followers of a religious tradition, and those whose sense of the spiritual embraces no specific form of worship will all find that the Ten Steps will work for them." Unfortunately, Beazley constantly refers to prayer or its synonyms, making it difficult for the non-religious. There are repeated references to "your higher power". That's a direct lift, I believe, from the AA program whose originators tried to minimize its religious aspect, but the fact remains that it is a call to prayer which secularists will find grating and perhaps even offensive.
Beazly is open about his emulation of the famous AA 12-step program. But there is a problem with some of his techniques, which seem rooted more pop psychology and its "feel good" mantras. For example, Beazley recommends writing "healing letters" to dead people you feel you've wronged. "The healing letter is like a creative visualization but on paper. It has the power to seem real and so to heal." Uh, the person you believe (and perhaps did) offend is dead. You are doing this to make yourself feel good.
This "feel good" approach pervades the book. In fact, the message boils down to forget about it - what's past is past. Good advice, but someone like Albert Ellis is much better, in my opinion, at delivering this message.
Jerry
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23 of 25 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
This book will teach you how to let go of your regrets, January 11, 2004
This review is from: No Regrets: A Ten-Step Program for Living in the Present and Leaving the Past Behind (Paperback)
A must read. This is an important and unique book about letting go of regrets. It is important, because we all have regrets, and we know that they have the power to spoil our lives. This is the first book I know of that actually offers a practical program that shows people how to come to terms with regrets and how to let go of them so that they no longer have the power to hurt us. What really makes it unique, though, is that it is deeply thoughtful and filled with deep spiritual insight. Although we may be willing to let go of our regrets, actually doing so involves a process which most of us have never learned. No Regrets is a guide to that process. It offers a practical pathway that anyone can follow. Along with the ten steps that make up the plan, there is a description of spiritual (not necessarily religious) and psychological tools to use and specific exercises to work in the journey. These include: visualization, journaling, self-examination, cognitive analysis, affirmations, prayer, meditation, and sharing with others. The program which the book presents doesn't have to be worked perfectly in order to be helpful. The tone of the book is very warm, supportive, and encouraging. As you read the book you will feel that you are met along the path by a friend who knows the way and is guiding your steps around the rough places. Ultimately, this is a book about how to forgive yourself and others. Could anything be more difficult? Yet, accomplishing these tasks holds the promise of enabling us to live free of shame, guilt, anger, resentments, and the pain caused by past events. Dr. Beazley shows a great sensitivity to the difficulty of the work of forgiveness, a tremendous depth of spiritual insight into the issues connected with that work, and a practical understanding of how we can actually accomplish the task and overcome the harmful effects that regrets cause in our lives. Chapter Five, "Making Amends" presents an analysis of the painful ethical choices that can arise when we come to terms with guilt about the harm we have caused to others. Chapter Twelve, "Forgiving Ourselves," offers suggestions that really do walk you through this difficult passage. Chapter Thirteen, "Living Free of Regret," extends the teaching of the book to the question of how to live regret free once you've let go your old regrets. Some of the most interesting and helpful parts of the book are the seven categories of regrets, how to make amends to a deceased person, the myths of forgiveness, toxic thought patterns, and the myths and the benefits of forgiving, and what to do "when forgiveness doesn't come." I recommend this book to anyone who is troubled by regrets. It will also be an indispensable resource to psychologists, pastors, and to all those who are trying to help others deal with regrets. It would be a great book to read and discuss with friends who are working on the same issues. It can change your life.
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