Customer Reviews

No Regrets: A Ten-Step Program for Living in the Present and Leaving the Past Behind

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We live in a world in which twelve-step programmes abound, and worthy and worthwhile as they are, in fact there is nothing sacred about the number twelve that means every process must follow the same number of steps. Perhaps this is a minor observation with which to start, but I did find as I looked through the ten-step programme of Hamilton Beazley that the process is fairly complete, not really lacking in any particular step, and applaud Beazley for not trying to force his system into twelve steps, for the twelve-step anonymous programmes are something different in many ways.

This is a book about the past, about how the past impacts our lives and how we can more clearly see what it is we should hold fast to, and what we should let go. The title and the text often use the term 'regrets', but in fact this is as much about forgiveness as it is about regret - regret is often our inability to forgive ourselves, our situation, or some other aspect of our past, and forgiveness is a difficult practice.

I use the word 'practice' here, because it is an important concept that Beazley incorporates fully into his work - the ten-step process is a multi-layered practice for overcoming regret and both practicing and embodying forgiveness. So often we treat the idea of forgiveness as if it is something that is easy to do, and something that is a one-off occurrence. Sometimes we may have convinced ourselves that in fact we have forgiven or let go of a long-standing hurt, only to find it resurface at inopportune and inappropriate times.

'While we cannot change a past event, we can change our reaction to it, our understanding of it, and what we do with it.' The ten-step programme here takes advantage of the success and experience of others in similar situations (including the twelve-step programmes), and incorporates many kinds of spiritual practice. Like its cousin twelve-steps, it doesn't require adherence to any particular organised or institutional religion.

In the first section, Beazley sets the stage by looking at what regrets are and aren't, and giving a short encapsulation of what the steps will be, and how one uses spiritual and psychological tools and methods. While this is a book that would be wonderful to use in a group setting or in consultation with a therapist, spiritual director or other counselor, it is also a book that can be used to good effect by the individual seeker. The first piece is understanding, and the first requirement is honesty.

In the first step, one lists regrets. This requires honest appraisal and reflection, not exaggeration but also not overlooking pieces. This does not mean that things will not be honestly missed or forgotten. One of the good things about these steps is that, while there is advantage to them being worked in order, they are not lock-step in progression, and one can go back to rework steps or add to what has been done.

In these steps, the one on the journey will do a lot of examination, soul-searching, and a lot of growing. Beazley uses personal stories of his own as well as others he's encountered to show in example how many of the items and steps can work.

There are appendices that include further readings, summaries and quick references. Similarly, the first few chapters are worth repeating several times in the process. This is not a once-and-for-all process; while it can be a life-changing process, life still progresses, and much in the way that twelve-step programmes continue over and over to reach new levels, this process can as well.

The author pleads a mea culpa for his religiousity and claims that "[a]theists and agnostics, devoted followers of a religious tradition, and those whose sense of the spiritual embraces no specific form of worship will all find that the Ten Steps will work for them." Unfortunately, Beazley constantly refers to prayer or its synonyms, making it difficult for the non-religious. There are repeated references to "your higher power". That's a direct lift, I believe, from the AA program whose originators tried to minimize its religious aspect, but the fact remains that it is a call to prayer which secularists will find grating and perhaps even offensive.

Beazly is open about his emulation of the famous AA 12-step program. But there is a problem with some of his techniques, which seem rooted more pop psychology and its "feel good" mantras. For example, Beazley recommends writing "healing letters" to dead people you feel you've wronged. "The healing letter is like a creative visualization but on paper. It has the power to seem real and so to heal." Uh, the person you believe (and perhaps did) offend is dead. You are doing this to make yourself feel good.

This "feel good" approach pervades the book. In fact, the message boils down to forget about it - what's past is past. Good advice, but someone like Albert Ellis is much better, in my opinion, at delivering this message.

Jerry

A must read. This is an important and unique book about letting go of regrets. It is important, because we all have regrets, and we know that they have the power to spoil our lives. This is the first book I know of that actually offers a practical program that shows people how to come to terms with regrets and how to let go of them so that they no longer have the power to hurt us. What really makes it unique, though, is that it is deeply thoughtful and filled with deep spiritual insight.

Although we may be willing to let go of our regrets, actually doing so involves a process which most of us have never learned. No Regrets is a guide to that process. It offers a practical pathway that anyone can follow. Along with the ten steps that make up the plan, there is a description of spiritual (not necessarily religious) and psychological tools to use and specific exercises to work in the journey. These include: visualization, journaling, self-examination, cognitive analysis, affirmations, prayer, meditation, and sharing with others. The program which the book presents doesn't have to be worked perfectly in order to be helpful.

The tone of the book is very warm, supportive, and encouraging. As you read the book you will feel that you are met along the path by a friend who knows the way and is guiding your steps around the rough places.

Ultimately, this is a book about how to forgive yourself and others. Could anything be more difficult? Yet, accomplishing these tasks holds the promise of enabling us to live free of shame, guilt, anger, resentments, and the pain caused by past events. Dr. Beazley shows a great sensitivity to the difficulty of the work of forgiveness, a tremendous depth of spiritual insight into the issues connected with that work, and a practical understanding of how we can actually accomplish the task and overcome the harmful effects that regrets cause in our lives.

Chapter Five, "Making Amends" presents an analysis of the painful ethical choices that can arise when we come to terms with guilt about the harm we have caused to others. Chapter Twelve, "Forgiving Ourselves," offers suggestions that really do walk you through this difficult passage. Chapter Thirteen, "Living Free of Regret," extends the teaching of the book to the question of how to live regret free once you've let go your old regrets.

Some of the most interesting and helpful parts of the book are the seven categories of regrets, how to make amends to a deceased person, the myths of forgiveness, toxic thought patterns, and the myths and the benefits of forgiving, and what to do "when forgiveness doesn't come."

I recommend this book to anyone who is troubled by regrets. It will also be an indispensable resource to psychologists, pastors, and to all those who are trying to help others deal with regrets. It would be a great book to read and discuss with friends who are working on the same issues. It can change your life.

A practical and unique method for eliminating regrets. The author's approach makes it clear that not only does he talk the talk, but he walks the walk as well.

Readers will discover many helpful strategies that will allow them to shed their regrets as if they were old clothes. This book is a valuable tool that can be used by anyone who is troubled by their past. James Green, author of "If There's One Thing I've Learned."

Yet again, a book comes along to assist people to take charge of their lives by consciously letting go of the regrets we all have. Why we have a hard time in letting go of our regrets is beyond common sense. By letting go of these harmful thoughts and feeling from the past, we get to have joy, happiness, and peace.

Not one of the 10 steps outlined in the book is new. And to be honest, everyone already knows each one of them, just not in the pragmatic way Hamilton Beazley outlines them. He is to be applauded for giving us a way to responsibly look at our past, put it in perspective, actively deal with our issues, and create the life we desire.

John Knight
Author 'Change your Conversation...Change Your Life'

It's heavy on the "faith" and "God" stuff - including an entire section dedicated to the art of praying. He suggests that "faith" comes in many packages and shapes but the emphasis is still strong in defining things as "God" (See page 43).

If yer buttons are pushed by the "God" thing, you may have trouble getting to the useful portions of this book - of which there are many. Despite the emphasis on prayer and God, there's plenty to inspire any person of reason who's working through the difficult issues related to having regrets.

Dr. Beazley's book is gracefully written and profoundly insightful. Read it. Absorb it.

"No Regrets" offers the possibility of deep transformation in readers precisely because it is: (1) practical, in the sense that it answers the question "What can I do now?" and (2) spiritual, because it invites readers to ask the even more profound questions that underlie lingering regrets. Too many books about inner issues only give outer answers: "Do this and your problem will go away!" or they offer outer doctrines disguised as inner answers: "Believe this and you'll be a happy person!" By contrast, Beazley's ten steps are, at heart, a process that spirals readers inward to the quiet spaces where there is no self deception.

Here is a personal example triggered by reading "No Regrets." I thought I had forgiven others-and even myself-for three or four traumatic events in my personal past. Yet, pesky regrets still came upon me unbidden, like wraiths in the night. I wanted them to go away. After reading Dr. Beazley's book, I realized that I had NOT yet forgiven others, much less myself. Forgiveness comes at the end of the process; I had not yet done the reflective work to reach that stage.

This journey is not easy precisely because it is so important, but Dr. Beasley has clearly lived what he writes about. He joins the reader as a supportive coach and fellow seeker, not a judgmental prophet. Those who read this book looking for intellectual understanding and practical advice about the phenomenon of regrets will find it. Those who read it yearning for emergence into wholeness will also be satisfied, as long as they enter into a process like the one described.

Dr. Beazley is such a clear, accessible writer that one might miss the sophisticated psychological research and timeless spiritual principles that form the foundation of "No Regrets." No matter. If you are serious about letting go of regrets, it's time to integrate what your head knows with what your heart and gut want you to BE. Read the book.

Don M. Frick. Author, "Robert K. Greenleaf: A Life of Servant Leadership."

I really thought this book was helpful. It was difficult to keep reading and basically took me almost 3 months to read but I finally finished it. I have to keep going back and re-reading but I suggest it to help you.

March 31, 2004

No Regrets is an invaluable guide for providing a practical framework to work through issues or experiences that are still holding on to us and holding us back from experiencing our true potential. Hamilton Beazley is a gifted author who articulates the steps in a non-judgmental approach. It is clear to me from reading the book that Dr. Beazley has lived the steps himself which makes his work all the more credible as an author. No Regrets is the first book that I have found that incorporates a process with the contemplative practice of reflection and the inner journey. And he does it in a contemporary language that speaks to our needs and modern way of life.

Through many years of self-exploration and discovery, I had stumbled across several of the steps outlined in the book. Dr. Beazley outlines a process and a cohesive framework so one doesn't have to spend countless hours reading and searching on your own. I wish he had written this book years ago. While I do not consider myself a person who is regretful and dwells on the past, his work reminded me that I did have some issues which demanded my reflection. I can now move on to better productivity and new possibilities.

I have already given No Regrets to several professional colleagues not only for their own use but to assist them in supporting others who are attempting to shed issues which are holding them back. Their reaction has been as enthusiastic as mine. Executive and personal coaches as well as any organization and leadership consultant will find the book enormously helpful and one that should be a staple in their consulting tool box.

Jan Day Gravel
President
Janus Development Group

So far, the book seems very helpful. I haven't read too far into the book --- it's a lot of work which I guess will bring good results - we can only wait to see.