No Secrets, No Lies: How Black Families Can Heal from Sexual Abuse [Hardcover]

Robin Stone (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: March 30, 2004

With a foreword by Joycelyn Elders, M.D., No Secrets, No Lies is a powerful and daringly honest resource guide for families seeking to understand, prevent, and overcome childhood sexual abuse and its devastating impact on adult survivors.

An estimated one in four women and one in six men is abused by age eighteen, most often by someone they know. Most of these sexual assaults are never disclosed, much less reported to the police.

No Secrets, No Lies demystifies the cultural taboos and social dynamics that keep Black families silent and enable abuse to continue for generations. Among them:

• Fear of betraying family by turning offenders in to "the system"
• Distrust of institutions and authority figures, such as police officers
• Reluctance to seek counseling or therapy
• A legacy of enslavement and stereotypes about black sexuality

Through compelling personal accounts from everyday people, Robin D. Stone, a sexual abuse survivor herself, illuminates the emotional, psychological and hidden consequences of remaining silent, and provides holistic, practical steps to move toward healing.

No Secrets, No Lies candidly speaks to: survivors, telling them they are not at fault, not alone and how they can seek help; parents, guardians and caretakers, explaining how they can keep children safe and help survivors recover; and family, friends and other loved ones, showing ways to lend support.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Expanding on an article she wrote for Essence, where she is a former executive editor, Stone advocates many standard methods for recognizing and coping with abuse. But while the rates of sexual victimization, Stone shows, are the same for blacks and whites, "Black American women were more likely to have withheld reports of attempted rape from authorities" and "were more likely to blame their living circumstances" for an attack. It is Stone's detailed discussion of the probable reasons for such disparities, and her insights into them, that make this book unique. Drawing on her own experience, she argues that the "splitting" or dissociation used by the black community during slavery in order to cope psychologically with lifetimes of abuse is the same technique many African-Americans now use to deal with everyday racism and with sexual abuse. Stereotypes of African-American hypersexuality and of African-American women's mythic "strength" add further complications, which Stone unpacks with unflinching care and with the help of stories of abuse she has collected from black women. Chapters on "Helping Boys and Men" and "Challenging Abusers" offer more techniques for conversation and confrontation, and the book ends with "Reconciliation...and Moving On" and an appendix of resources. Stone's understanding of, and empathy for, incredibly painful situations comes through on every page, and her techniques for beginning to deal with them are compassionate and straightforward.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Review

“Robin Stone's NO SECRETS, NO LIES is an honest and illuminating look at the soul-shattering effects of sexual abuse. She guides the reader through the shame, denial and devastation of sexual violence–and on the journey toward healing. Stone’s courage in facing her own painful experience helps break the silence in the African-American community and move Black women and men toward understanding and recovery. This book is our needed gift.”
--Susan L. Taylor, Editorial Director, Essence magazine


"Inspiring and empowering, Robin Stone's NO SECRETS, NO LIES fills a critical gap in the literature on surviving and healing from child sexual abuse. Robin's vivid, insightful narratives reflect the struggles and resilience of a community that has been difficult for many activists and professionals to reach. This excellent book is long overdue."
-- Laura Davis, author of The Courage to Heal and I Thought We'd Never Speak Again

“Powerful, positive, and right on time, Robin Stone's NO SECRETS, NO LIES demystifies sexual abuse in the Black community and empowers survivors. A must read for anyone who cares about the health of their family and of children everywhere.”
-- Farai Chideya, author of The Color of Our Future and Don't Believe the Hype

“NO SECRETS, NO LIES courageously breaks the silence about sexual abuse within the black community. Robin Stone makes a major contribution to the well being of black children and families. This important book should be widely read and discussed.”
-- Alvin F. Poussaint, MD, Professor of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School and Judge Baker Children's Center

“In NO SECRETS, NO LIES Robin D. Stone provides invaluable insights and tools for both families and mental health professionals to address the ever-present problem of sexual abuse that has been hidden too long.”
-- Kim Singleton, Ed.D., Clinical Psychologist, and author of Broken Silence

“NO SECRET, NO LIES presents an empowering and healing approach to childhood sexual abuse from a culturally relevant perspective.  It provides insight into dysfunctional family dynamics and abuse patterns from the view of victims and perpetrators.  Without pathologizing victimization, Robin D. Stone systematically fosters the development of ego strength and survival strategies. Every psychologist and therapist should use NO SECRET, NO LIES as an invaluable guide and resource with clients who have experienced sexual trauma.”
-- Darlene Powell-Garlington, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist and author of Different and Wonderful: Raising Black Children in A Race  Conscious Society  

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 304 pages
• Publisher: Broadway; 1st edition (March 30, 2004)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0767913442
• ISBN-13: 978-0767913447
• Product Dimensions: 9.5 x 6.3 x 0.9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.2 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (6 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,025,423 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

ROBIN D. STONE is an independent journalist whose work focuses primarily on health, children, families, and parenting. She is author of No Secrets, No Lies: How Black Families Can Heal from Sexual Abuse (Broadway Books, 2004). Stone edited and contributed the Afterword to My Times in Black and White: Race and Power at the New York Times (Lawrence Hill, February 2010), the memoir by her late husband, Gerald M. Boyd. Stone was also lead writer and project editor for Essence magazine's "The Black Woman's Guide to Healthy Living."

Stone has written and edited for several publications, including the New York Times, the Boston Globe, the Detroit Free Press and Essence and Heart & Soul magazines and theroot.com.

Stone is also a holistic health coach, supporting busy women like herself to reach health goals such as losing unhealthy weight, boosting energy and stressing less.

The Detroit native lives in New York City with her son.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

8 of 9 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Just ask for help, July 2, 2004

By 

The RAWSISTAZ Reviewers (RAWSISTAZ.com and BlackBookReviews.net) - See all my reviews

This review is from: No Secrets, No Lies: How Black Families Can Heal from Sexual Abuse (Hardcover)

Several years ago and still today, the term sexual abuse was not talked about in the African-American community. NO SECRETS, NO LIES: HOW BLACK FAMILIES CAN HEAL FROM SEXUAL ABUSE by Robin D. Stone, a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, is a book that discloses the actual stories as told by the victims. In each chapter, Stone provides us with self-help instructions in overcoming such a devastating act of violence.

In most cases of sexual abuse, the victim is ignored or made to believe that what happened was just their imagination. Children are easy prey because the perpetrator can easily entice them with money, candy or toys, etc. The perpetrator can be anyone - a family member, the next-door neighbor, a school employee or the well-respected member of the church. Threats of bodily harm to the victim or members of his/her family, aids the perpetrator in committing this violation.

We are all under the assumption that only women are sexually abused, but there are a vast number of men who are abused by men and in some cases women. Most males do not report that they have been abused because of the label placed on them by society as growing up and becoming gay. They also deal with issues concerning their masculinity and have feelings of being inadequate and vulnerable.

Once a victim has revealed that they have been sexually abused, some are shunned by family members or made to feel that what happened was their fault. Victims with understanding family members, such in the case of Ms. Stone, sometimes years later, still suffer from being abused. Through Stone's self-help guides at the end of each chapter, and each survivor that shares their story, victims of sexual abuse will understand that what happened was not their fault.

This book was an eye opener for me because it brings to the forefront the effects that being sexually abused can have on the victims. Even after the abuse has stopped, victims continue to suffer. NO SECRETS NO LIES: HOW BLACK FAMILIES CAN HEAL FROM SEXUAL ABUSE was very informative and lists many resources for use by victims of sexual abuse.(...)

5 of 5 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent Resource for Sexual Abuse Healing, July 6, 2005

By 

Lynn C. Tolson "author of Beyond the Tears: A... (Colorado) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: No Secrets, No Lies: How Black Families Can Heal from Sexual Abuse (Hardcover)

Review of No Secrets, No Lies: How Black Families Can Heal From Sexual Abuse by Robin D. Stone, 2004, Broadway Books, NY. Hardcover ISBN 0- 7679-1344-2
The author of No Secrets, No Lies is a survivor of sexual assault. She has been an editor for Essence magazine, The New York Times, the Boston Globe, the Detroit Free Press, and Family Circle. She also teaches journalism at New York University. This impressive writing experience is evident in her clear, concise, compassionate, and culturally enlightening work: No Secrets, No Lies. Throughout the book, Stone offers "Fast Facts" in the margin, adding relevant material to the readers' knowledge. For example, Stone states, "Blacks are sexually victimized in childhood at the same rate as Whites. In one survey, they reported being more severely abused with greater force." Stone cites her sources in an extensive "notes" section. She also offers a valuable resource list and index.

The title of the first chapter is: "Was It Sexual Abuse?" Stone writes, "For many of us, we have buried sexual abuse so deep into our psyches that we would never connect it to today's physical illnesses and pain, our depression or addiction, our inability to hold a job, get out of debt, find satisfaction in a relationship, nurture our children, or simply say no to people or situations that do us harm." Indeed. No matter the gender, race, religion, socio-economic class, or ethnicity, victims of sexual abuse will experience the devastating ramifications. Victims suffer initially with the abuse, then again with each result that limits our human potential. Stone tells the reader: "in addition to the trauma of sexual violation, survivors must also deal with the trauma of being born and raised in a racist and sexist culture." And therein lies the roots of our troubled society.

Stone offers case examples in each chapter. We read about Kim, who says, "I'm always afraid that people will leave if they see the real me." The "real me" is the child who was molested by her stepfather until she was nineteen; even as a young woman, he slapped her for resisting. Kim's mother kicked Kim out of the house, leaving Kim to fend for herself with friends. Kim learns that a relative had sexually abused her mother. This addresses the frightening fact that perpetration is all too often generational.

The author incorporates the limitations placed upon Black survivors. "When Blacks seek help from White institutions [they] find little sympathy or understanding." "Blacks [have] a deep mistrust of a majority White medical profession. Blacks have been slow to embrace traditional therapy." "We often find ourselves sitting across from a counselor who hasn't a clue about the complexities of our culture, our history, and our challenges, and who can only see our problems solely from a White or middle-class perspective." However, Stone encourages counseling: "We have historically turned to our own support systems...sister circles...but for many of us the problems associated with being sexually abused run far too deep for untrained experts to help us tackle them in a meaningful way." Stone tells the reader: "...experts have developed multicultural approaches to therapy that incorporate the values, customs, and traditions of non-Whites." In chapter four, Stone suggests methods to finding "African-Centered Healing." Stone uses a statement from Rhonda Wells-Wilbon, a social work professor and sexual assault survivor, to define "African-Centered" as: "using Africa as a geographical and cultural starting point for the study of African people." Stone then shares Rhonda Wells-Wilbon's Aya Model: Ten Steps Toward Healing" for a culturally sensitive method.

At the end of each chapter, the author offers a "Help Yourself" section. In chapter 5, "Protecting and Saving Our Children," Stone tells the reader to "act on suspicion" and "get involved." She also offers "The Child's Bill of Rights." In the final chapter, "Reconciliation...and Moving On" Stone offers exercises to confront an abuser, if the victim finds it necessary for healing.
review by Lynn C. Tolson

5 of 5 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Highly Insightful, January 7, 2005

By 

Angelique C. Henderson "Ms. Jordy's mom" (Cumberland, RI United States) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: No Secrets, No Lies: How Black Families Can Heal from Sexual Abuse (Hardcover)

Robin D. Stone, a former executive with Essence Magazine, Boston Globe and New York Times has covered every possible aspect and cause of sexual abuse in her newly released book, "No Secrets, No Lies - How Black Families Can Heal from Sexual Abuse." She accurately discusses the reasons and terrifying consequences that are plaguing numerous African-American families that have suffered from sexual assault. The powerful resource guide seeks to assist families to thoroughly understand, prevent and overcome the devastating impact of sexual abuse on adult survivors.

Ms. Stone, an abuse survivor herself, realistically has written a one of a kind book that addresses the physical, emotional and psychological scarring and horrific effects of sexual abuse within the dysfunctional family. Through a collection of powerful and deep personal interviews with abuse victims, abusers and additional family members, "No secrets, No Lies" speaks out to survivors, parents, caregivers, family members and friends designating and furnishing detailed and practical steps for imperative healing.

The book is divided into three distinct parts. It covers immensely important material on the background and "WHYS" of child sexual abuse, interviews with more than thirty survivors and then easy to follow guidelines by professional experts who work with and treat the survivor and the abuser. Included also are compelling advice, poignant anecdotes, as well as contact information for legal help, therapists and advocacy groups throughout the USA. It provides invaluable insight necessary for overcoming and understanding the horrific, overwhelming experiences and effects for recovery and resolution.

This book is an eye opener that sexual abuse is wide spread, vastly occurring and must be recognized. The sexual abuser must be reported to the proper authorities, regardless of who it is because this is a criminal offense. The offense should be dealt with, the abuser charged and the acts eradicated for the sake of the innocent victim, the child. No longer should this evil atrocity be kept silent.

Readincolor Reviewer
Emily Means Willis