Customer Reviews

Noah's Ark

5 star:		(8)
4 star:		(8)
3 star:		(3)
2 star:		(8)
1 star:		(96)

 

 

NBC created a two-part epic of the story of Noah's Ark. It was created by the team that did Merlin and Alice in Wonderland but will probably be remembered as being by the same people who did The Tempest. It was really bad.

Just how bad the show was can probably be summed up by saying that in one scene Noah greeted Lot. For those a little rusty on their Old Testament, Noah can be found in Genesis chapter 6 while Lot is Genesis chapter 19. This epic opened with the tale of Lot (minus Abraham) and the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah (also minus Abraham).

One thing that really puzzled me about this production was the way the locals kept treating Noah as if he were a fool. This puzzles me because the locals all knew that Noah had the only farm in the land where anything would grow. So would frustrated and hungry farmers merely laugh at Noah or would they hate him and raid his farm? I was also amused when some of the locals began quoting Shakespeare. At another point a Michael Palin look-alike runs up dressed in rags and with a long scraggly beard and says, "Its." A brief moment of humor for Monty Python fans but I don't know why it was in there.

But the writers of Noah's Ark did take from one good source, mainly the Broadway musical Two by Two starring Danny Kaye. Unfortunately the stolen scene was one of Noah's sons claiming the Ark was not finished because it did not have a rudder. Now if he were right and the Ark needed a rudder then God made a mistake. But it would also meant that Noah's son would have to be strong enough to operate a rudder on a boat three-hundred cubits in length. But the ark was built by God and not Noah. The writers also kept pushing the idea that an ark is a boat. No, but Noah's Ark took the form of a boat. An ark is simply a sacred container for the safe storage of something precious. Any fan of Indiana Jones knows that (or did he dig up a boat in Tannis?).

This production is available on video and DVD and my recommendation is that it should be avoided.

This is very bad and clumsy movie. I was absolutely shocked
by this irresponsible work to make Biblical movie.
It seems that producer deliberately made up everything, to show
that Bible for him is just a book of fairy tales.
To be short I'd like to say, that this movie doesn't not deserve
to be watched.

Religiously, this movie is so way off-base that your jaw will drop in disbelief at what goes on within the script (such as God abandoning Noah during the flood because He needs time to "think" about the fate of the human race, or admitting to Noah that He sometimes makes mistakes, too). But, hey, the movie's been made and the damage is already done. As a putrid piece of celluloid fluff, this one ranks up there with other bad movies like "Can't Stop The Music" and "Xanadu". It's perfect for Bad Movie Night, if you're into that sort of thing. The plot line is flimsy, the special effects are cheap, and the acting is bad. The movie did elicit a few chuckles, but I don't think that was the producers' intention. Some scenes are downright ludicrous, such as when Noah and his wife try to find one good person in Sodom. They settle on Lot who, although he participated in a drunken feast and orgy earlier in the movie (offscreen, thankfully), is chosen ONLY because he's Noah's best friend. This is how they pick people to be saved from the wrath of God! Or when Noah gets help from God after complaining that he'll never get the Ark finished in time for the flood; he wakes up with what looks like the lumber yard at Home Depot (didn't know they had 2X4's in those days?...you do now!). Or why Noah and his wife have American accents, while their three sons have British accents, which they still have well into their early 20's! The inaccuracies go on and on. One thing that must be mentioned is that this is a heavily edited version of the original that appeared on TV: gone are the flood-surviving fireball-throwing pirates (fireballs in a wooden ship, go figure!), the anti-pre-marital sex gorilla, the obnoxiously stupid talking puppet made from an orange, and the hysterically yet unintentionally funny pooping koala blooper scene. So what's left is a story that rushes through everything and gets nothing accomplished.

This movie could be a classic in the vein of Monty Python's Life of Brian if they would have billed it as a parody. A drama it is not. What is most astounding is that a film like this can get the green light and make it to the screen (albeit the small screen). I can picture the NBC execs passing around the script; "Wow! What an epic! That Noah did more than just build that boat!"

The most hilarious scene of all is when, after fire reigns down on Sodom & Gomorroh, an exhausted Noah and his wife take a break and she tells him "Noah, you should write all of this down otherwise no one will know you were here."

Oh. That explains the discrepencies.

Wait. I almost forgot! The portrayal of Lot as a horned-helmeted
Viking-like hellraiser is absolutely classic.

I was looking forward to this movie. I don't even believe most of the Bible is true, but it does generally make exciting movies, but shame on the people who put this together and the lack of taste they showed in offending the millions of people who do take it seriously.

Jon Voight and Mary Steenburgen must have been desperate for work to even have agreed to make this mindless movie that depicted them in such a degrading light.

This really could have been an excellent movie, comparable to "The Ten Commandments" had they stuck to the original version.

Maybe one day Hollywood will learn--poking fun at things that millions of people hold "sacred" is not the best way to win an audience.

This movie is not biblicaly based. I would not recommend this movie for viewers that want truth. Noah was not instructed by God to leave Sodom, it was Lot and his wife and two daughters.

This ARK has been ship wreaked on the ocean floor, and please no one try to raise it. Bad acting, bad script, bad FX, bad everything. Okay, so they said upfront that they stretched it a little to get a better story, but this was to much of a stretch even for the Bible. Looking more like a really bad scene from Saturday Night Live bit than the quality I've seen Hallmark produce. I don't know how to put it into words other than to say ... this movie really was bad. God was wishy-washy as to what he wanted to do, Noah was a drunk, the rest were just as strange and the tiny ship was lost in a bad movie. I think the Koala said it best when it took a power poop on screen. Clearly they tried to make an epic on a B-movie budget. What a waste of film, save your money and read the book.

I was sincerely hoping that this version of the Flood narrative might be a fine compliment to the other biblical films such as 'Moses', 'Joseph', 'Abraham', etc. My hopes were dashed in about fifteen minutes, by having the privilege of watching perhaps the worst biblical epic ever filmed. This flop was a disaster WORSE than the Great Flood! Good heavens--who was in charge here??

The more familiar one is with the real story, the more disappointed one will be in this film. It bears little resemblance to God's version of the account, and I honestly can't think of anything good about it. The actors were generally miscast (John Voight as Noah??), the special effects--weren't, and the rewritten plot was frankly, flat boring.

Is this the worst biblical film I've ever seen? Well....it's close. You know, some movies are worth watching because they're SO bad, they're almost humerous.

This movie is worse. What's better? ANYTHING on another channel.

This is probably the worst Bible movie ever made. It combines the stories of Noah and Abraham into the life of one person (Noah), and then it adds some special affect miracles to give it glitter. It directly contradicts the Bible in so many places it would be impossible to list in this short review. The biggest problem with the film is that some people will watch it and think this is the story of Noah from the Bible. It is not!

John Irvin, the film's director, should have been washed away in the flood! This film is absolute drivel. And Oscar winners Jon Voight, Mary Steenburgen, F Murray Abraham, James Coburn and Sidney Poitier should all have to return their awards. Shame on them all for taking part in this ill-attempt of a film. Don't waste your time or money on this.