Customer Reviews

Non-Adversarial Communication: Speaking and Listening from the Heart

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Non-Adversarial Communication: Speaking and Listening from the Heart is an excellent book--clear, concise, well laid-out, and practical. It deals with how each of us can communicate in ways that: prevent exchanges from becoming conflicts, help us better understand ourselves, and help us meet our needs. It presents the concepts and methods we need to incorporate this approach into our everyday lives. That's a lot to ask from one book, and this one delivers.

Conflict is a perennial aspect of life, and in today's world it seems to be an accepted part of discourse. The American public seems drawn to watching or listening to "talk" in the form of who can yell the loudest and longest without yielding an inch from their initial position. Talk radio hosts set up straw men and women or straw causes, yell at them and make fun of them ad nauseum, and no one yells back. The theme here is that respectful two-way conversation about political, economic and social issues is becoming an endangered species.

In reaction to the proliferation of polarized rhetoric and adversarial dispute resolution, a movement developed to bring balance and honest-to-goodness give and take back into communication. The first efforts were made in the form of "alternative dispute resolution," which sought to structure mediation of disputes in such a way that each party has a chance to be heard and resolution rests in real agreement about solutions rather than domination of one party by the other.

Non-Adversarial Communication reflects a second, more ambitious strategy based on changing the way individuals think and behave even before conflict might occur. By learning to reflect on their own needs, motives and emotions, individuals can dramatically improve their capacity to see what is needed, both by themselves and by others, and to ask for what they need without ignoring the needs of others. Extending the early work of Marshall Rosenberg, authors Brownell and Bach-Wiig spent several years developing a workshop program aimed at teaching the philosophy and skills needed to neutralize adversarial habits of perception and communication. The book closely follows the concepts and methods used in their workshops.

The value of being able to communicate without becoming adversaries is obvious and few people would disagree with the idea. What is not so obvious is how it can happen. Non-Adversarial Communication: Speaking and Listening from the Heart invites readers first to look inward to find their intention to see their own needs in a context that respects the needs of others. From this intention, they can then focus on what they observe in a situation and what they feel in that situation, which can then lead them to understand what they need in that situation, and ultimately to be able to articulate what actions they could request from others that would genuinely address their concerns. This process can also be used to listen compassionately to what others say.

The authors recognize that although a philosophical shift is a prerequisite, real change requires a commitment to incorporate the non-adversarial communication process into everyday life. The book is filled with dozens of exercises and suggestions for keeping the intention toward non-adversarial communication fresh and alive.

This book is highly recommended, especially for those who regularly encounter people with views that differ from their own. I guess that means everybody.

Using the four steps of NAC, the reader will transform relationships and connect with others with compassion, clarity and integrity. The activities throughout the text and the 12-month daily practice guides reinforce the concepts in a delightful way, allowing the reader to begin using NAC right away.

Great turn on! Besides supporting everyting I believe in, "Non-Adversarial Communication" pushed me into thinking more systematically about 'Intentions' and 'Needs' for sure. Additionally, the discussion of feedback and the danger of slipping thoughts and judegments into the 'I feel...' clause of the 'When you. . .I feel. . .' re-sensitized me to this critical issue. A must read if we are going to make a better world.

The book is easy to use in many different ways--as a quick reference (the learning points at the end of each chapter), as a deep reference (the thorough explanations), and as a work book and practice guide (the examples and exercises). All in all, this book is very useful and usable. L.W., Communications Specialist