Customer Reviews

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

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Initially I thought this book wouldn't be relevant to me since I didn't consider myself a "violent" communicator. A few pages into the book however, it became evident to me that despite my easy-going nature, I had much to learn about communication. Dr. Rosenberg identifies learned communication that disconnects us from each other and is at the very root of violence. He then offers a simple yet powerful 4 step model that leads to respectful and compassionate communication. One catch - while the model is simple, it can be challenging to apply, especially when we're upset. That's because most of us have learned to blame others when we're upset and it's hard to unlearn this behavior. However, use of the model deepens our awareness and it becomes very clear how destructive our habitual knee-jerk reactions are to both ourselves and others. The Nonviolent Communication model helps us to become conscious and choose to respond differently - that is in ways that are more likely to lead to positive and satisfying outcomes for everyone. If you'd like to transform your relationships, for example: learn how to really listen to others while not taking anything you hear personally (what a gift!), learn how to give and receive in ways that are deeply gratifying, and much more, this is a must read. Also, this model is applicable in all relationship types - perfect for couples, parents, teachers, managers, executives, counselors and anyone else interested in relationship building.

On a personal note, this book has been life-changing for me. I have witnessed truly amazing results in all my relationships including one relationship which had been a great struggle for me for many years.

In November, 2000, I read the previous edition of this book...The quality of empathy I now am able to provide has enlivened my therapy practice, and meets my need for hope that I can contribute to the well being of my clients, and also connect deeply with my friends and family. The step-by-step empathy skills in this book are learnable by anyone..

This latest edition of Dr. Rosenberg's book has a completely new chapter called, "Connecting Compassionately with Ourselves." It's about what he calls, "self-compassion." He writes, "When we are internally violent towards ourselves, it is difficult to be genuinely compassionate towards others." I enjoyed this chapter because it helped me translate my self-judgments into statements of my own unmet needs. I now see that when I am angry with myself it is because my actions were not in harmony with my values. Seeing things from this perspective helps me mourn my action and move into self-forgiveness by connecting with the specfic need I was trying to meet when I used a strategy that I now regret. I particularly enjoyed the section on translating "have-to" into "choose-to." The exercise showed me how to locate the choice in what I do, by connecting with the need, want, or value each activity serves. I find I have more energy, more compassion when I experience choice in my life.

I borrowed this book from the local library after it caught my eye, sitting on the "new books" display. It's a pretty good book, although I do have some reservations about it.

/Nonviolent Communication/ is a rather easy read. This is both good and bad - good, because you're not slogging through lots of academia-speak and technical jargon; but also bad because you might breeze through the book too quickly to truly absorb the rather useful and insightful information it is offering.

The idea behind the NVC process is rather simple - it's mostly about learning to be more precise in expressing your feelings, their cause(s), and what you would like done to resolve them. Rather than saying "you never clean the !@#$ kitchen," the NVC approach would be to say something along the lines of: "When you do not take out the trash in the kitchen, I feel __________." And so on. NVC also encourages you to be receptive to what other people are saying and feeling, even if (or perhaps especially if) they do not word things with as much precision and care.

The approach is very sound, but I have reservations about the way the book presents it. Most of the example conversations are so unbelievably robotic, at times I just wanted to laugh out loud at how absurd they were. My initial thought was that I was being unreasonable - after all, they're just words on a page, and perhaps they would seem less laughable in person with real emotion behind them. And then I realized that was the key that was missing - the conversations were little other than the facts of the situation, and the exact words the people said. There was no emotional context, no insight into the feelings that were being expressed. I found this to be extremely ironic. A book about expressing emotions, with lots of examples that HAD no emotion!

I think if you can get beyond the rather mediocre examples, and put genuine *thought* into the principles the author outlines, you will find much of value in the book. Before reading /Nonviolent Communication/, I didn't think much about how the imprecision in our wording can cause a great deal of conflict. "You are so inconsiderate!" versus "When you leave your dirty dinner plate on the table and go watch football, I feel very angry. Would you please rinse the plate and put it in the dishwasher?" It's a world of difference, and I believe there is much benefit to this approach.

Final thought: there's a lot of good stuff in this book, but the presentation could use some work. Read the book carefully, and do not go as quickly as the breezy writing style allows - the material here needs careful consideration for it to truly benefit you.

While I agree with another reviewer who questioned the rather stilted examples in the book, I believe that the premises on which this book is based are absolutely sound - that all humans want to be understood and acknowledged.

I've worked myself, and coached adult students to work through some of the example scenarios. They prompted lively debate, critical thinking and crucial self-reflection about our own styles of communicating with ourselves and others.

We realized that we often put judgement into our language when we think we are simply describing beahaviour. We were struck by the realization that our English language often adds to the confusion when we make statements like: "I feel that this is unfair". Rosenberg spends a whole chapter on us being able to actually express feelings, rather than opinions and thoughts, as the above quote exemplifies.

He helped me realize that I rarely sort out for myself what personal need I have of another, and I was struck by the simplicity and power of being sure that I am able to identify what request I have of the other person that will address my need. Since I am practicing these skills with my teenager - you KNOW that they are truly being put to the test!

This is a book that is much better shared with at least one other person so that you can share the examples and share the hard work of changing unconscious communication patterns. If you breeze through this book as an interesting read, you won't get much out of it. If you treat it as a workbook, with gems of wisdom that need to be assessed, and practiced and made your own - then this is a treasure, and one you'll return to again and again.

First, the basics. Before I read this book, I had no idea that there were learnable techniques for enhancing your performance of empathy. For that matter, I didn't even know that empathy is something that you do; I thought that it was just something that you feel. Well, it turns out that empathy is really an activity with techniques, and this book teaches them.

Now for some context. In the last year, I've read about twenty books on emotional intelligence (EQ) and related topics. (If you're unfamiliar with the term, just think of EQ as "socio-emotional fitness". It can be roughly divided into self-awareness, self-direction, social perception and relationship management.) Good intellectual frameworks for understanding EQ have been easy for me to find; practical instructions for increasing your EQ seem rather more rare. (By "practical instructions" I mean pragmatic action plans with specific things to DO, not just project proposals with goals to accomplish. It's a shame how often the latter is presented when the former is needed.) In my reading experience, "Nonviolent Communication" is THE premiere how-to guide for improving your performance at doing empathy, which is one of the fundamental competencies of EQ.

Third, a caution in the form of a metaphor. The author is proffering you a diamond while demonstrating an oddly formal way of holding it. Just take the diamond and ignore the formalities. That is to say, other reviewers have pointed out that he uses some rather stilted language at times, and that's true; but, the phrasing is NOT the point. The remarkable insights are what matter.

Fourth, an idiosyncratic recommendation. One of most amazing ways that this book helped me was by teaching me how to empathize with my OWN needs. That made it much easier for me to tackle certain problem behaviors of mine without threatening the universal human psychological needs that those behaviors were (self-defeatingly) satisfying. (The book "Flawless!" by Tartaglia is a good place to start for that, BTW.) I firmly believe that one of the best uses of "Nonviolent Communication" is to lay a strong cognitive foundation for future self-improvement.

Finally, some setting of expectations. As with any competency training techniques -- musical performance, physical fitness, whatever -- how much you benefit will depend on how much you practice. However, if you work at it then you will change your thinking, which will change your behavior, which will change your character and your circumstances, which will change your destiny, which will change the world.

This book is eagerly waiting to improve the human condition through you. Will you activate it?

This book was recommended to me by several friends in healing professions, and also by a business litigation accountant. Having a great deal of respect for these people I decided to give it a try.

To me the book is about elements of threat, judgementalism or violence that are unintentionally included in the language that we speak and hear, and think. The book suggests that by clearly separating factual observations, feelings, needs, and the resulting requests, acknowledging vulnerable feelings and needs, and using listening tools, we can defuse confrontations, become more effective communicators, and become more at peace with others and with ourselves.

My speaking and thinking patterns are deeply entrenched over many years, and I expect that it may take at least a few passes through reading and applying the book before I see many benefits, but I am impressed with this book and think that the potential benefits are worth the investment of time.

NVC or Non-Violent Communication is build on a solid foundation. This book was written quite simply, so that anyone might learn the techniques of speaking clearly so that others can understand what you think, what you feel, and what you want. It also offers valuable information on "empathic listening" - rather than just parroting back what someone says to demonstrate that you HEARD, you go a step further to express that you understand what someone is thinking and feeling. I know several people who have gone to NVC workshops and practice NVC regularly, and they are incredible supporters of this technique. They say that while initially your conversations may seem rather stiff and formulaic, that as the technique becomes more natural to you, that it is simply a clear way of understanding yourself and communicating in a way that others can hear and accept more readily. It is a wonderful technique, I have found it helpful, however it really does not allow for the full depth of emotion and thoughts that create that emotion. Sometimes thoughts are not logical, but may be underlying schema or beliefs that each individual may not want to even acknowledge, never mind express out loud. The book and technique are excellent, but this all needs to be refined a bit more to really allow emotion to be expressed, not just intellectually identified. "I am feeling anxious because my need for security is not met, will you please contribute to the rent?" is very clear, but the speaker does not actually show their anxiety. I suppose if we all learn to communicate without allowing ourselves to express the emotions we are feeling (like Vulcans) then our communication will be more clear and peaceful. It will also lack a certain amount of depth. Also, not every conflict can be resolved with NVC - the author begins by talking about how he mediated discussions with Palestinians and Israelis, and street gangs who were in gang wars. That sounds pretty dramatic, to even get some folks into the same room. However, NVC may not solve the problems that lead to the conflicts. It may allow for a greater understanding between sides. The book could have been shorter, with fewer personal anecdotes. The method is sound, and just needs a bit of refining. What a great way to build a bridge and develop understanding between people!

I think there are some valuable insights and tools in Nonviolent Communication, and I'm very heartened to see a yearning growing among people, the desire to be able to talk to and listen to each other more fully, freely and openly. At the same time, for someone who wants to learn to talk to others (and themselves, as well!) in a more open and less defensive way, in a way that makes it easier for people to speak openly to each other, I find Sharon Ellison's book, Taking the War Out of Our Words: Powerful Non-Defensive Communication, a much clearer, more complete and more effective paradigm and method for a non-defensive model of communication than Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication. Taking The War Out Of Our Words (2009 Edition)

I have found value in Rosenberg's lists of feelings and, in peripheral ways, in some of his exercises, among other things. However, while one of the stated aims of the process is to eliminate judgement and criticism, I respond to some of his dialogue as if there is judgement hidden within it. I also find his methods rather cumbersome.

Taking the War Out of Our Words gives me a substantially different, much more positive experience. In the presence of Ellison's writing - explanation, description, exercises, examples, and so on - I find myself relaxing, and feeling safe even while I confront and acknowledge the ways in which I myself act defensively. Her book is very rich in detailed examples, and alive with individual voices. (It also has a wonderful index to the examples, so you can follow them from one part of the book to another.) I find encouragement and acceptance, as well as simple, clear steps I can immediately begin to apply to the way I say things. It has been my experience that these small changes often make a rapid difference.

Ellison's process speaks more strongly to me than Rosenberg's, and I find it more gentle as well as clearer. I believe that her framework is simultaneously both more radical and simpler than Marshall Rosenberg's. To me, Rosenberg's system nibbles at the edges of our difficulties in communicating with each other, where Sharon Ellison's sweeps the rubble out of the center and starts rebuilding the structures of our communication, but in a way that makes an intuitive kind of sense.

Ellison examines and identifies the fundamental structures of our languages (not only English, but many other languages as well) which, it seems, almost inevitably cause defensiveness between us, even when we don't mean them to. I find her tools profoundly practical and useful, and I find it easy to begin applying them; and even though the process of becoming significantly less defensive is a long one, and not very easy, the encouraging experience of little successes, here and there, helps keep me going. It also seems to me that achieving the very smallest changes, working with everyday issues, is in the end what creates the deepest shift.

Despite my own preference for Sharon Ellison's paradigm and tools, I would not want to discourage anyone from trying Rosenberg's program. At the same time, I would encourage anyone who experiences any difficulty in applying his system not to give up on the hope of learning a more peaceable and open way of communication, but to have a look at Ellison's book and see if you find it more helpful.

The understanding that has come to me from Marshall Rosenberg's work, Nonviolent Communication, has been transformational. As my experience and understanding of this work sinks into my bones, and becomes part of my consciousness, I see it as a deeply spiritual practice, and one that helps me to live in alignment with values that I work to uphold .....compassion, empathy, non-judgement.

While my initial understanding focused on learning this language, it quickly became clear to me that this was far more than mastering a way of speaking, and required one to be clear with one's self about what one's own "needs" are, and to own them as such is to free ourselves of the cycle of criticism and blame that is so destructive to relationships.

Non-violent Communication offers a tool that allows one to consider what others are doing or saying
that makes it possible to actually listen rather than react. This is like tossing a stick in the spokes of a wheel,
interrupting a pattern of reaction that often leaves both people feeling frustrated and not understood.
NVC has taught me to hear in the same way that drawing has taught me to see.

To have the experience of being treated by one who lives this language of understanding is to feel known, appreciated and to feel valued. That is powerful. One is left feeling deep gratitude for the gift of that understanding. How good is that?!

A friend recommended Nonviolent Communication to me, after seeing how much I enjoyed Crucial Conversations. I was at first skeptical, but wound up being completely won over by Marshal Rosenberg's theories. Crucial Conversations is a cookbook of communication techniques that usually work... Whereas Nonviolent Communication goes much deeper into the fundamentals of human nature -- needs, desires, observations, judgment, empathy -- and helps you understand why these techniques work.

I'd recommend seeing Rosenberg in person, and using this book as a reference. Despite a legion of worshipers, he's incredibly pragmatic and down-to-earth. In contrast, this book feels a bit new-agey. Some of the sample dialog is a bit contrived, and it could use a better quick-reference. However, his whimsical style certainly helps you remember what's important.

The real-life stories and dialogs were amazing! He can communicate effectively with a couple having marriage problems, psychopathic killers, gangs, warlords, or even someone in a near catatonic state. Empathy is the key: once somebody feels that you understand them, and that you are trying to feel what they feel, then they will be more more likely to speak honestly with you to resolve conflict. Empathy trumps psychology every time. However, it also requires you to suspend all judgment that the other person is a monster -- merely another human being trying to fulfill their needs in the only way they know how.

The rules behind nonviolent communication are simple, and believable, but the application is extremely difficult. Our brains are wired for survival, not dialog. If I were speaking to a psychopath, the last thing on my mind would be his needs! However, Marshall gives several examples on how empathy is the most effective weapon when you want to defuse a dangerous situation.

Its instinctive to make snap judgments when we feel threatened. It takes a lot of courage and practice to do what Marshall does... I can only hope to be half as good as him.