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38 of 40 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Hearing past the words, February 11, 2005
This review is from: Nonviolent Communication (Audio CD)
Marshall Rosenberg has given me one of the greatest gifts I have ever received: the ability to hear past the spoken word to find the root - the underlying needs and feelings.
I used to run away from criticism and confrontation because I was only able to hear the judgements that were spoken. Marshall taught me to hear the unmet needs and feelings behind those judgements. And I now understand that all such judgements are tragic expressions of our unmet needs.
Now I can hear criticism for what it is - an opportunity to make life more wonderful for the other person.
Learning NVC and, more importantly, learning to see the world in terms of needs and feelings has transformed my relationships with strangers and loved ones alike. In fact, NVC shows how such a distinction is much less concrete than we think it is!
I am grateful to Marshall for his incredible and life changing work.
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30 of 31 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Excellent resource for couples, business people and parents!, January 26, 2007
This review is from: Nonviolent Communication (Audio CD)
Marshall Rosenberg has initiated peace programs in war ravaged areas around the world including Ireland, Serbia, Croatia, Rwanda and the Middle East. He also gives workshops has worked in the prison systems and has applied his ideas with great success in a variety of settings. His book that goes along with this audio series Nonviolent Communication was a textbook for one of my communication courses which was a requirement for a Masters in Integral Psychology. In short, he is a highly credible author with a gift for simplifying complex topic down to simple models that could be applied easily in daily life.
The basic model he uses allow a person to unravel the trigger for an emotion from the actual cause which is often unconscious thinking or beliefs. For example, if I child didn't clean his room that is not necessarily the cause of the parent's anger. The real cause is some underlying need for example that the parent is concerned about the child developing discipline or an examined assumption such as my child is ignoring what I asked them to do. The point is that we often jump into action or go immediately to a negative emotion without much CONSCIOUS thought. This four step process allows you to deepen your awareness so that when you are in situations that might automatically trigger you, you can chose more healthy options.
Another aspect of the four step process is staying with emotions until one uncovers the underlying need. Sometimes, this involves the emotion shifting to another one. For example, say my partner gets angry because I didn't do the dishes. Rather than just starting an argument, Rosenberg would advise my partner to stay with her emotion. By being willing to fully feel the anger, she might realize in actuality that she feels hurt. By staying with the hurt she may have the realization that her underlying need is actually to feel loved and that me doing the dishes is symbolic for her of loving her and being concerned. With this additional awareness she is in a position to make a more vulnerable and powerful request that is likely to get her what she really wants. For example, using the four part model she might say, "When you forget to do the dishes (observation), I feel hurt (feeling-notice there is no blame or shame) because I notice that I'm not feeling loved because I associate you following through on things like that with being concerned for me (the real need). Now that you understand how I feel, would you be willing to be more vigilant about your agreements over everyday stuff because when you do it makes me feel like you care (request).
Admittedly the model is simple, but it is also very powerful. Most of us act without awareness much of the time. In our time contrained culture, we also tend to dismiss feelings as sources of information about needs that are important to us. This model helps you to get back in touch with the purpose of your emotion and your buried needs. It will help you to increase the intimacy in all of your relationships, not to mention helping you to make requests that are more likely to get you the results you wanted in the first place.
If you are serious about changing unhealthy communication patterns, I would also get the book to accompany this audio set. Patterns of language and the thinking that accompanies them are deeply engrained. In fact, there are often hidden assumptions in our automatic thinking such as OTHER people CAUSE our emotions. We actually have a lot of degree of control over how we feel when someone does a particular behavior. A lot of this depends upon how we "frame" or contextualize the behavior. This book is very useful in helping you uncover these patterns and changing them.
In my practice as personal growth coach I often recommend this book and audio CD to clients. I've seen this information help a lot of people and it has helped me too. If it helps you avoid even one argument with an important person in your life, it is well worth the cost. I guarantee it will raise your awareness around your unconscious processes and help you to have healthier relationships if you apply the ideas faithfully.
The CD on giving and receiving anger compassionately is especially good. This is a problem area for a lot of people and I think this CD alone justifies the cost of the set. Don't be deceived by Rosenberg's simple presentation of ideas. It is often the most simple ideas that are the most powerful when applied in daily life.
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13 of 13 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Go ahead and buy it now..., July 27, 2007
This review is from: Nonviolent Communication (Audio CD)
Nonviolent communication is a very effective tool for anyone looking to create a bridge of understanding and establishing healthy boundaries through thoughts and words. It moves away from the aggressive, competitive and confrontational models that so many people learn from parents, in dysfunctional relationships and at work. My cousin took "Assertiveness Training" back in the 70s. She said that NVC though took that to the next level by introducing compassion, understanding and nonjudgment though observations, feelings, needs and requests.
I've recommended this series to many people [including my cousin] and especially those who have problems with coworkers and bosses. I thought it amusing that even one of Dr Rosenberg's participants conceded that working with parents can be the biggest NVC challenge of all. Nonviolent communication may not be the solution, but it does help.
One particular story Dr Rosenberg imparts among many is about how his grandmother -- a Jewish immigrant for whom English was a second language -- invited a homeless man into the house for a bit of food and rest. When she asked the man his name, he said, "Jesus the Lord." Without a hint of irony or judgment, the grandmother introduced the man to the rest of the family as Jesus. She fed him and gave him a place to stay without a second thought for his gruff appearance or his unusual name. In her own way, by living NVC everyday, she provided the framework for Dr Rosenberg's works.
A few items to nitpick -- and by no means a slight or a reason not to buy the audiobook. In fact, go ahead and buy it now.
Sometimes using NVC language can seem a bit stilted and unnatural. For example Dr Rosenberg often says the phrase, "This meets my need to..." It works in writing and even when Dr Rosenberg says it. But personally, it sounds stilted and just doesn't quite roll off the tongue for many of us. Instead, I personally say, "This works for me. Does this solution work for you?"
Another nitpick: I paraphrase a bit but Dr Rosenberg gives one particular sentence as an example of violent communication: "Minorities don't take care of their property." Then he offers a nonviolent-communication example: "I've never seen the minority family down the street take out the trash." I wondered if bringing up that the family a "minority" is truly germaine. Is bringing up a source of division and stereotype such a race or nationality truly nonviolent or would it be more kind to refer to the family as "the Smith Family" or even as "the family two doors down"?
Last small nitpick [and a bit of a spoiler]: Dr Rosenberg tells a compelling story of a patient who was uncommunicative and unresponsive due to severe psychological trauma. Dr Rosenberg describes how the woman finally broke through by writing a note to him in perfect NVC language. "Help me to express what is going on within me..." Not only did she become NVC fluent after 4 or 5 treatments, but she had the fine motor skills to write this out. So why then did she seem unable to pass him the note until he had to pry her fingers open? There must be more to the story than what we're being told, but it is a bit of a small plot loophole in the overall scheme of what is a great tool for communication and for expressing compassion while at the same time holding one's own integrity.
This audiobook introduced me to the grander realm of NVC and I've since attended some workshops where "jackal" and" giraffe" are introduced. Like me, you may find that you already use many of these techniques, but NVC just ads a few more tools to the toolbox.
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