Customer Reviews

Nonviolent Communication

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Marshall Rosenberg has given me one of the greatest gifts I have ever received: the ability to hear past the spoken word to find the root - the underlying needs and feelings.
I used to run away from criticism and confrontation because I was only able to hear the judgements that were spoken. Marshall taught me to hear the unmet needs and feelings behind those judgements. And I now understand that all such judgements are tragic expressions of our unmet needs.
Now I can hear criticism for what it is - an opportunity to make life more wonderful for the other person.

Learning NVC and, more importantly, learning to see the world in terms of needs and feelings has transformed my relationships with strangers and loved ones alike. In fact, NVC shows how such a distinction is much less concrete than we think it is!

I am grateful to Marshall for his incredible and life changing work.

Marshall Rosenberg has initiated peace programs in war ravaged areas around the world including Ireland, Serbia, Croatia, Rwanda and the Middle East. He also gives workshops has worked in the prison systems and has applied his ideas with great success in a variety of settings. His book that goes along with this audio series Nonviolent Communication was a textbook for one of my communication courses which was a requirement for a Masters in Integral Psychology. In short, he is a highly credible author with a gift for simplifying complex topic down to simple models that could be applied easily in daily life.

The basic model he uses allow a person to unravel the trigger for an emotion from the actual cause which is often unconscious thinking or beliefs. For example, if I child didn't clean his room that is not necessarily the cause of the parent's anger. The real cause is some underlying need for example that the parent is concerned about the child developing discipline or an examined assumption such as my child is ignoring what I asked them to do. The point is that we often jump into action or go immediately to a negative emotion without much CONSCIOUS thought. This four step process allows you to deepen your awareness so that when you are in situations that might automatically trigger you, you can chose more healthy options.

Another aspect of the four step process is staying with emotions until one uncovers the underlying need. Sometimes, this involves the emotion shifting to another one. For example, say my partner gets angry because I didn't do the dishes. Rather than just starting an argument, Rosenberg would advise my partner to stay with her emotion. By being willing to fully feel the anger, she might realize in actuality that she feels hurt. By staying with the hurt she may have the realization that her underlying need is actually to feel loved and that me doing the dishes is symbolic for her of loving her and being concerned. With this additional awareness she is in a position to make a more vulnerable and powerful request that is likely to get her what she really wants. For example, using the four part model she might say, "When you forget to do the dishes (observation), I feel hurt (feeling-notice there is no blame or shame) because I notice that I'm not feeling loved because I associate you following through on things like that with being concerned for me (the real need). Now that you understand how I feel, would you be willing to be more vigilant about your agreements over everyday stuff because when you do it makes me feel like you care (request).

Admittedly the model is simple, but it is also very powerful. Most of us act without awareness much of the time. In our time contrained culture, we also tend to dismiss feelings as sources of information about needs that are important to us. This model helps you to get back in touch with the purpose of your emotion and your buried needs. It will help you to increase the intimacy in all of your relationships, not to mention helping you to make requests that are more likely to get you the results you wanted in the first place.

If you are serious about changing unhealthy communication patterns, I would also get the book to accompany this audio set. Patterns of language and the thinking that accompanies them are deeply engrained. In fact, there are often hidden assumptions in our automatic thinking such as OTHER people CAUSE our emotions. We actually have a lot of degree of control over how we feel when someone does a particular behavior. A lot of this depends upon how we "frame" or contextualize the behavior. This book is very useful in helping you uncover these patterns and changing them.

In my practice as personal growth coach I often recommend this book and audio CD to clients. I've seen this information help a lot of people and it has helped me too. If it helps you avoid even one argument with an important person in your life, it is well worth the cost. I guarantee it will raise your awareness around your unconscious processes and help you to have healthier relationships if you apply the ideas faithfully.

The CD on giving and receiving anger compassionately is especially good. This is a problem area for a lot of people and I think this CD alone justifies the cost of the set. Don't be deceived by Rosenberg's simple presentation of ideas. It is often the most simple ideas that are the most powerful when applied in daily life.

Nonviolent communication is a very effective tool for anyone looking to create a bridge of understanding and establishing healthy boundaries through thoughts and words. It moves away from the aggressive, competitive and confrontational models that so many people learn from parents, in dysfunctional relationships and at work. My cousin took "Assertiveness Training" back in the 70s. She said that NVC though took that to the next level by introducing compassion, understanding and nonjudgment though observations, feelings, needs and requests.

I've recommended this series to many people [including my cousin] and especially those who have problems with coworkers and bosses. I thought it amusing that even one of Dr Rosenberg's participants conceded that working with parents can be the biggest NVC challenge of all. Nonviolent communication may not be the solution, but it does help.

One particular story Dr Rosenberg imparts among many is about how his grandmother -- a Jewish immigrant for whom English was a second language -- invited a homeless man into the house for a bit of food and rest. When she asked the man his name, he said, "Jesus the Lord." Without a hint of irony or judgment, the grandmother introduced the man to the rest of the family as Jesus. She fed him and gave him a place to stay without a second thought for his gruff appearance or his unusual name. In her own way, by living NVC everyday, she provided the framework for Dr Rosenberg's works.

A few items to nitpick -- and by no means a slight or a reason not to buy the audiobook. In fact, go ahead and buy it now.

Sometimes using NVC language can seem a bit stilted and unnatural. For example Dr Rosenberg often says the phrase, "This meets my need to..." It works in writing and even when Dr Rosenberg says it. But personally, it sounds stilted and just doesn't quite roll off the tongue for many of us. Instead, I personally say, "This works for me. Does this solution work for you?"

Another nitpick: I paraphrase a bit but Dr Rosenberg gives one particular sentence as an example of violent communication: "Minorities don't take care of their property." Then he offers a nonviolent-communication example: "I've never seen the minority family down the street take out the trash." I wondered if bringing up that the family a "minority" is truly germaine. Is bringing up a source of division and stereotype such a race or nationality truly nonviolent or would it be more kind to refer to the family as "the Smith Family" or even as "the family two doors down"?

Last small nitpick [and a bit of a spoiler]: Dr Rosenberg tells a compelling story of a patient who was uncommunicative and unresponsive due to severe psychological trauma. Dr Rosenberg describes how the woman finally broke through by writing a note to him in perfect NVC language. "Help me to express what is going on within me..." Not only did she become NVC fluent after 4 or 5 treatments, but she had the fine motor skills to write this out. So why then did she seem unable to pass him the note until he had to pry her fingers open? There must be more to the story than what we're being told, but it is a bit of a small plot loophole in the overall scheme of what is a great tool for communication and for expressing compassion while at the same time holding one's own integrity.

This audiobook introduced me to the grander realm of NVC and I've since attended some workshops where "jackal" and" giraffe" are introduced. Like me, you may find that you already use many of these techniques, but NVC just ads a few more tools to the toolbox.

I read the book and liked it so much I bought the tapes for my dad. They are definalty just as good as the book. It can show more understanding and ways of communicating with people than my psychology degree has taught me.
I would recommend this to anyone.

Life-changing. NVC is a wonderful approach! Highly, HIGHLY recommended!

I grew up in an environment of critical, angry, blaming and disrespectful communication. So, that's what I knew how to do when my needs were not being met: blame others for not acting the 'right' way and 'making' me unhappy. Doesn't give much leverage for changing the situation, does it? I don't like treating people that way, they don't like it either, and those behaviors don't work very well for meeting my needs! I felt helpless, frustrated, guilty and angry, and learned to mostly withdraw and suffer in silence. Very unpleasant.

Marshall's NVC approach shows me how to take responsibility for my emotions and reactions. When I'm unhappy, NVC tells me that my needs are not being met. NVC shows how to consciously figure out what I need, to distinguish which needs are my responsibility vs. needs that are reasonable to ask other people to help with, and how to connect with people in a respectful, loving and gentle way to get my and their needs met in a way that everyone is happy with.

NVC also helps me handle people feeling angry at me: I work with them to understand and communicate their needs in a gentle, respectful way. Then I'm generally glad to help. Very win-win.

I LOVE this approach! THANK you, Marshall!

Also highly recommended: Pema Chodron's "Don't Bite the Hook".

A very simple and basic approach to communicating with anyone and everyone! Helps to build/restore self-peace through recognizing our shared needs. These are the very needs that allow us to give empathy and spirtually connect!

This is an excellent book in many ways. The author is teaching a language of authenticity or of the heart. The purpose of teaching this language is that people will find it easier to express their desires in a way that does not make others defensive so that they may better get their needs met.

The author teaches that it is not good to flatter people or to give them encouragement like "way to go". I have a hard time understanding why this is. He says that things should not be viewed as good and bad but more relative. This theme of relativity is repeated throughout the book as he gives examples of how people can use relativity and empathy to get needs met.

I do not think that ALL things are relative though, and I do not appreciate his example of a battered wife coming to him for help and him teaching her to treat her husband with more empathy as a way to keep from getting beaten as the end all be all solution to her problem. In that situation I still think it is wise for the woman to get out of the situation where she is getting beaten.

I think that alot of this authors tools would be so helpful to law enforcement workers who need to diffuse possibly volatile situations.

The goods in this book far outweigh some of the radical danger zones that I think an extreme relativist could get into with it.

I think it does help to stop looking at everything as good and evil and to recognize that much of behavior is habitual and that habits can be changed. This is an idea that the author bases his workshops, books, tapes, and retreats on. It is an idea from the famous woman philosopher Ruth Benedict. He never once though gives her credit for this idea (as far as I have seen). I think that is kinda sad and borders on plagiarism but I do not think that Ruth Benedict is still alive. I only know of her philosophy from a beginners philosophy course that I took and she was one of the many philosophers on ethics.

The Cd is awful! He just goes on and on with no inflection in his voice and his teeth keep moving around in his mouth sliding off his gums which makes it hard at times to understand him. The cd of the book is about 10 cds of just him droning with no speech skills or organization when it comes to getting to his points.

Through NVC, I have found a way of perceiving and connecting to people that has really changed my life. I can't recommend this book enough. It was a little hard to swallow at first, but after I gave it a chance, it has taken hold of me hook, line, and sinker; and I see the positive results of living NVC, and I see the insights I've learned from NVC all the time. Amazing.

When I am in a conflict, there are really just two things I need to do - listen to the person I am talking to, and make requests from him or her. Marshall's NVC provides a framework for both. You may ask "why would I need to have a framework for such simple actions?" The answer is simple - in the heat of a conflict I can easily fall into the trap of blaming or accusation or name-calling, none of which lead to resolution. If I use the NVC framework, I can keep a level head and focus on the solution. These CDs have really improved my interactions in my personal life and at work. The only downside is Marshall's soothing voice, which is too easy to tune out after 5 hours of listening. But if you can listen, the content is excellent.

Rosenberg provides here a direct contribution to peace building, in our hearts, with the people around us and by reverberation, all around the world. It is an important work that has its roots in the universal wisdom that connects our human history sometimes with strong threads, sometimes with thinner ones. In a few words, it is a remarquable work, in spirit and in reality. The only thing missing is a booklet, a workbook that would support the practice and exploration suggested in the audio cd. I highly recommand it.