The Normal One: Life with a Difficult or Damaged Sibling [Paperback]

Jeanne Safer (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: September 30, 2003

What is it like to grow up with a sibling who is difficult or damaged?

Few bonds in our lives are as psychologically and emotionally significant as the ones we share with our sisters and brothers, although little has been written about this formative relationship. In this first-of-its-kind book, psychotherapist Jeanne Safer takes us into the hidden world of problem siblings and explores the far-reaching effects on the lives of those who are considered the “normal ones.”

Drawing on more than sixty interviews with normal, or intact, siblings, Safer explores the daunting challenges they face, and probes the complex feelings that can strain families and damage lives. A “normal” sibling herself, Safer chronicles her own life-shaping experiences with her troubled brother. She examines the double-edged reality of normal ones: how they both compensate for their siblings’ abnormality and feel guilty for their own health and success. With both wisdom and empathy, she delineates the “Caliban Syndrome,” a set of personality traits characteristic of higher-functioning siblings: premature maturity, compulsion to achieve, survivor guilt, and fear of contagion.

Essential reading for normal ones and those who love them, this landmark work offers readers insight, compassion, and tools to help resolve childhood pain. It is a profound and eye-opening examination of a subject that has too long been shrouded in darkness.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Adults who grew up with a disabled brother or sister may have been labeled the "normal" one. Psychotherapist Jeanne Safer addresses the premature maturity, emotional and intellectual perfectionism and deep guilt about their own health that she says many "normal" siblings experience in The Normal One: Life with a Difficult or Damaged Sibling. Using interviews with 60 subjects who have disabled siblings and her own experience with an emotionally ill brother, Safer sensitively documents the various challenges that siblings face and offers wise, gentle counsel for dealing with these challenges.
Copyright 2002 Cahners Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From Booklist

"The chance that the homeless person I see on the street in my town could be my own brother scares the shit out of me--this is somebody I grew up with." Safer combines her own aching personal experience with her professional perspective as a family therapist to shed light on what she calls "Freud's blind spot," the role of siblings, especially disabled or troubled siblings, in family life. For most of the book, she writes with simple directness, informal and jargon-free ("the sibling of the child with special needs is not supposed to have any needs") as she explores the burden of being the normal one. Drawing on concrete examples from her own life and also from her interviews with 60 other siblings, she identifies the key symptoms that no one escapes, including premature maturity, survivor guilt, compulsion to achieve, the fear of contagion, and jealousy. She analyzes Shakespeare's Tempest, and there is some psychological theory, but it's the memoir and the candid talk that make the book special. A great choice for group discussion. Hazel Rochman
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 224 pages
• Publisher: Delta (September 30, 2003)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0385337566
• ISBN-13: 978-0385337564
• Product Dimensions: 5.5 x 0.5 x 8.4 inches
• Shipping Weight: 6.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 3.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (32 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #183,632 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #56 in Books > Parenting & Relationships > Family Relationships > Siblings

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

34 of 34 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Are you the 'normal' one? Read this book., December 30, 2005

By 

Anittah N. Patrick "Literate Capitalist" (Philadelphia, PA USA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: The Normal One: Life with a Difficult or Damaged Sibling (Paperback)

At times, reading this book was so difficult I had to close it for a while. The feelings that it brought up were so intense, raw, and neglected for so long that it was difficult for me to face them. Reading this book has made me realize that in my plight I am not alone, and that there are actionable steps I can take in order to heal myself.

Some key quotations from the text that I, personally, found poignant:

- (Healthy children) "grieve, they feel guilty, and they struggle to compensate by achieving for two."

- "Fixing the unfixable, or saving the irredeemable, is a frequent occurrence in sibling dreams... Dreams in which a sibling no longer has the disability ... gives a brief respite that is both painful and pleasing to recollect."

- (The 'normal' one's) "everyday trials and tribulations pale beside the catastrophe of their sibilings' predicaments, so it seems natural that they should never come first... As a result, many healthy siblings grow up with a hunger for attention that it never satisfied and that seems wrong to feel. Their needs, so consistently ignored, become invisible to themselves."

- "The fallout from being invisible is to become self-effacing; perverse preeminence breeds perfectionism, morbid self-criticism, and fear of failure... Excelling is not an ideal; it is an emotional life preserver."

- "... a nameless anxiety haunts them and makes everything they have seems (sic) tenuous or undeserved... compulsive self-sacfrifice driven by the belief that you do not deserve your advantages... At significant moments... it is excruciating to know how much better off you are and always will be."

As difficult as it was to read this book and grapple with all that I had so conveniently ignored for so long, recognizing the common traits of 'normal' siblings is key to becoming whole. Safer outlines those traits to be:

- Premature maturity ("... expected to shoulder ... responsibility ... w/o complaint."
- Survivor guilt ("Every achievement is tainted...")
- Compulsion to achieve ("... must succeed for two...")
- Fear of contagion ("... secret conviction that normality is tenuous or a sham.")

If you are a 'normal' one and are ready to face the issues that come with that head on, check out this book, grab a box of Kleenex, and find a quiet place to hunker down. As Safer writes, "It is no crime for your own life to come first." There is no time like the present to start living it.

28 of 29 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars Interesting, May 4, 2004

By A Customer

This review is from: The Normal One: Life with a Difficult or Damaged Sibling (Paperback)

This was a fascinating book. It sheds light on a family situation far too often ignored--the needs of the healthy sibling submerged in the all-engrossing task of taking care of a mentally ill or emotionally disordered sibling. It is true that a child who grows up in a such a family, whose needs and hopes and successes are never quite as important to his or her parents as the needs and small successes of the damaged child will feel the repercussions for the rest of his or her life.

I had only two problems with this book. First, it's not always like that. It would have been nice to have some functional family portraits, so that parents with both normal and disabled children can learn what works as well as what doesn't. In my own family, I have two normal brothers and a normal sister, all highly intelligent and successful. I am normal and in college. My other brother is emotionally disturbed and struggles both in school and in personal relationships. For a long time, my other siblings and I resented "what he had done to the family" but the fact is, he can't help it. And we have come to terms with his disorder, and even found him to be enjoyable if you are patient enough to sift through the layers of fear and anger. Frankly we have banded together as siblings over his illness, but it took time, and most of it was due to our parents, who balanced his needs against our perfectly understandable resentment, anger, and misunderstanding. They never rebuked us for how we felt, only explained to us the truth of my brother's problems, and were always available to talk to us when we needed to vent. My brother HAS a problem, he's not a problem. So I think if families were aware of what the normal one was thinking, they could help their normal children more, and help them to work through their resentment and guilt.

Second, I think the author should have finished her dealing with her own childhood to a degree before undertaking to write this book. I don't know whether she meant it to be objective, but it really wasn't. It read more like a catharsis than a study.

Overall, though, a long-overdue acknowledgement of the mental anguish of those whose siblings are damaged, disordered, or ill.
To all who still feel resentment toward their troubled siblings, please seek help. I hope you find a therapist who will listen to you. I'm not saying that to be mean or rude, I'm saying it because I see a lot of it in the reviews, and to resent someone only allows them to control you and prevents you from living your life fully. Good luck and God Bless!

38 of 41 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars I finally understand my parents, September 20, 2002

By A Customer

This review is from: The Normal One: Life with a Difficult or Damaged Sibling (Hardcover)

I am not a 'self help' healer - but needed to understand the role my sibling's illness plays in my family and in my life. Though we are both adults, it has taken a toll on my parents and on me personally. It became especially difficult when my sibling started to require 24 hr care. I am the relief care when my parents need a break. This book gave me insight that I needed to help me reduce the frustration I felt in dealing with the circumstances at hand, and helped me acknowledge the resentment and irritation I was experiencing. It also helped me understand that I have a choice to make regarding my involvement. I appreciated that "The Normal One" didn't try to fix anything - but felt more like it provided information to help me make better choices when dealing with my family.