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Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity Hardcover – December 31, 2002

287 customer reviews

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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Refusing to pander to audiences expecting Dr. Phil-type quick fixes, Glass (who has appeared on Oprah herself) chooses "a new, fact-based, scientifically and therapeutically responsible approach" to a subject she contends is fraught with public and professional misconceptions. Drawing on research studies (her own and others') and clinical cases from her 25 years as a psychotherapist, she explores "the new crisis of infidelity" resulting from platonic relationships that become progressively intense. Personal and professional friendships between men and women have become so prevalent and accepted that, according to Glass, even "good" people in "good" marriages can be swept away in a riptide of emotional intimacy more potent than sheer sexual attraction. Glass scrutinizes affairs and offers well-defined guidelines, including tips for determining how vulnerable individuals and relationships are to temptation, and prescriptions for keeping relationships "safe," repairing betrayal-induced damages and recovering from the trauma. Glass's credentials and commitment lend this book credence as a valuable resource; Staeheli's easy, personable style and the well-organized format make it user-friendly, too.
Copyright 2002 Reed Business Information, Inc.


". . . breakthrough book, Dr. Glass provided practical advice with scientific basis and profoundly sensitive clinical experience about the destructive problem, infidelity." -- John M. Gottman, Ph.D., author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and The Relationship Cure

". . . illuminating, instructive, down-to-earth, and inspiring . . . it truly transforms lives, NOT "Just Friends" is a godsend for couples." -- Michele Weiner-Davis, author of The Divorce Remedy and The Sex-Starved Marriage

". . . love this book . . . A must-read for anyone who hopes to be happy in a long-term relationship." -- Pat Love, Ed.D., author of The Truth about Love and Hot Monogamy

". . . puts a new face on infidelity using clinical experience and current research. I recommend it for anyone considering an affair." -- Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

". . . surprising, radical insight . . . Infidelity doesn't start when your partner sleeps with someone; its when your partner becomes closer to someone" -- Ira Glass, Host of National Public Radio's This American Life

". . . the most comprehensive book on affairs I have ever read . . . the only one that completely reflects the reality of affairs." -- Peggy Vaughan, Host of and author of The Monogamy Myth

"I treasure Dr. Shirley Glass, I treasure this book. She offers her traumatized readers compassion, wisdom, and unshakeable common sense." -- Frank Pittman, M.D., author of Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy

Frank Pittman, M.D. Author of Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy I treasure Dr. Shirley Glass, and I treasure this book. No one understands affairs better than she does. She offers her traumatized readers compassion, wisdom, and unshakeable common sense. -- Review

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Product Details

  • Hardcover: 448 pages
  • Publisher: Free Press (December 31, 2002)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 074322549X
  • ISBN-13: 978-0743225496
  • Product Dimensions: 8.8 x 6.8 x 1.3 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 1.4 pounds
  • Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (287 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #531,099 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

193 of 198 people found the following review helpful By Austin Minimalist on October 7, 2005
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
I have to agree with the other reviewers that this is a very good book. I am a pretty tough critic, who reserves five stars for books that change my life. While this book fell just short of that classification, I can say that my life is a little easier/better after reading it.

If you are reading these reviews, you probably have some experience with the subject. For that, I offer you my condolences. The good news is two-fold. First, it gets better with time. Second, books like this one can help you along the way.

Dr. Glass makes no secret of the fact that she is a big advocate of trying to fix the relationship. Therefore, roughly half of the book is devoted to doing that. She also does not hesitate to say when she is not in the majority about some issue. That is, several times she says what most therapists believe, and then explains why she feels otherwise. It's nice to get both sides of the story so you can make your own decision...most of the time I agreed with the author.

But what I like most about this book is that it gives the perspective of all those involved. It covers the betrayed, the betrayer, and the outsider who the betrayer had the affair with. Therefore, it helps you look at the situation from the other person's point of view. While you might think you don't care about his/her side of the story, it is really important for your own "recovery."

This is the book for you if you are struggling with questions like: Why did this happen? What do we do now? Is the marriage worth trying to save? If so, how do we do it? I personally did not read all of the chapters. My marriage is long over and I was just looking for a book to help give me closure. I think this did it for me. I kind of wish I had found this book shortly after my ex-wife's affair. It might not have changed whether or not we would have stayed together, but it would have made the last nine months a whole lot easier.
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584 of 612 people found the following review helpful By Summer Destiny on April 7, 2004
Format: Paperback
I'd like to take a minute to comment on the value and meaning of this book to me. I am a woman who has been married to the same man for 28 years. We have 2 grown children, and have gone throught the issues many long-term married couples go through, including infidelity. I found out about my husband's affair from to woman's husband several years after it was over. Everyone "thought I knew"....I did not, although I knew we were having trouble. I just thought it would work itself out. It did, but that was because my husband ended the affair. You can't be "friends" with two women or men on the level it takes to have an intimate relationship. Let me say that I have a PhD in Nursing, am faculty at a large university in the Southwest and am very knowledgeable about family relationships. I did not "know" my husband was having an affair with a woman he called "just my friend"( I can't really say if I was in denial or not, but that doesn't seem valid to me). The affair lasted off and on for about six years. My life, and the lives of our children were "hell" during this time, for lack of a better word. Dr. Glass correctly states that if you are better friends with another person than your spouse, you have opened yourself up to be more intimate with another person than the one you vowed to cherish. If you are to be in a satisfied, committed relationship, a close relationship with a member of the opposite sex is frought with complications. You can't be "loyal" to two men or women at the same time ( This is particularly difficult for me to say, because I have always regarded myself as a feminist. The problem is the other woman was not, and wanted my husband.) This is my opinion, based on information I have gathered professionally and personally, but I believe in Dr.Read more ›
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201 of 224 people found the following review helpful By Carol Ummel Lindquist,Ph.D. on August 12, 2003
Format: Hardcover
I am a clinical psychologist,a wife and mother. I have read many, many books on affairs and treated literally hundreds of couples recovering from the marital carnage of affairs. This book is the best. My clients involved in affairs find it the most helpful and so do other therapists. Nothing else even comes close. Her examples ring true. There are no false notes.
I suspected that since she hadn't experienced an affair that she would be judgemental. Not so. She has great empathy for each person in the triangle. She understands that some mariages won't make it, yet is clear that her values are pro-marriage. She recognizes that many marriages emerge from affairs stronger than ever. This is the good stuff! Enjoy.
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247 of 277 people found the following review helpful By BookWorm1234 on November 22, 2004
Format: Paperback
I'm surprised by the negative feedback. I wonder if these people have ever experienced an affair? I, unfortunately, had to experience the horror of my husband having an affair. I can honestly say that I saw myself and my husband in almost ALL of this book... can't say much about the OW since I don't give a darn about her... but if it was so on the mark with my husband and I, it most likely is with her... (I admit I skipped that chapter on HER since I don't care at all about what she was feeling as she seduced a married man. I know it went both ways, but I know she made many many phone calls to him and kept the communication between them wide open to make him feel she was so trustworthy and full of wisdom).

I knew the signs and felt them coming. This book helps one see what kind of relationships could snowball - as it did in our situation. I felt uncomfortable when they went on a business trip together (which started everything) and felt something wasn't right when he went to lunch with her so often. That's how it all began! Then IMing, emails, phone calls, late nights at work, early mornings BEFORE work... the list goes on and on. Ladies, keep your eyes open all the time. I thought my husband would be the last person on earth who would cheat on me, but he did. He talked to her about all our problems and of course, she could relate to it and explain why she divorced... made it seem like the right thing to do since our marriage was "over" anyway. How she could convince him when he had a brandnew baby (6 wks & 3 yrs) at home and how he could ever think that it is a good time to leave is beyond me. He said, "It's never the perfect time to leave." HA Sounds like something a woman would say if she were trying to convince someone to leave their wife!
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