Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity [Paperback]

Shirley P. Glass (Author), Jean Coppock Staeheli (Contributor)

Book Description

Release date: February 3, 2004

The controversial book that caused a media storm on three continents with its straight-talking “perceptive, blunt, and accessibly written” (Booksense.com) revelations about the new crisis of infidelity.

According to Dr. Shirley Glass, “the godmother of infidelity” ( The New York Times ), people today are cheating on their spouses more than ever before—especially in the workplace. Dispelling common myths with compelling new research and case studies, NOT “Just Friends” is a groundbreaking chronicle of what occurs before, during, and after an affair: the danger signs, the vulnerabilities of even good marriages, and the step-by-step road to healing and protecting monogamy in the aftermath.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Refusing to pander to audiences expecting Dr. Phil-type quick fixes, Glass (who has appeared on Oprah herself) chooses "a new, fact-based, scientifically and therapeutically responsible approach" to a subject she contends is fraught with public and professional misconceptions. Drawing on research studies (her own and others') and clinical cases from her 25 years as a psychotherapist, she explores "the new crisis of infidelity" resulting from platonic relationships that become progressively intense. Personal and professional friendships between men and women have become so prevalent and accepted that, according to Glass, even "good" people in "good" marriages can be swept away in a riptide of emotional intimacy more potent than sheer sexual attraction. Glass scrutinizes affairs and offers well-defined guidelines, including tips for determining how vulnerable individuals and relationships are to temptation, and prescriptions for keeping relationships "safe," repairing betrayal-induced damages and recovering from the trauma. Glass's credentials and commitment lend this book credence as a valuable resource; Staeheli's easy, personable style and the well-organized format make it user-friendly, too.
Copyright 2002 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Review

MicheleWeiner-Davis Author of The Divorce Remedy and The Sex-Starved Marriage Every once in a while a book comes along that is so illuminating, instructive, down-to-earth, and inspiring that it truly transforms lives. Since no marriage -- including yours -- is immune to infidelity, NOT "Just Friends" is a godsend for couples.

John M. Gottman, Ph.D. Author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and The Relationship Cure In this long-awaited, breakthrough book, Dr. Glass has provided practical advice with a scientific basis and profoundly sensitive clinical experience about the highly destructive problem of infidelity. She alerts us to the new crisis of infidelity and shows us how to safeguard our most precious relationships from this danger.

Pat Love, Ed.D. Author of The Truth about Love and Hot Monogamy I love this book and loaned it to a friend whose husband was "not just friends" with a coworker. They believe it prevented a serious breach from forming in their marriage. A must-read for anyone who ever hopes to be happy in a long-term relationship.

Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., Author of Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples NOT "Just Friends" puts a new face on infidelity using clinical experience and current research. I recommend it for anyone considering an affair, in an affair, or recovering from an affair.

Frank Pittman, M.D. Author of Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy I treasure Dr. Shirley Glass, and I treasure this book. No one understands affairs better than she does. She offers her traumatized readers compassion, wisdom, and unshakeable common sense.

Peggy Vaughan Host of DearPeggy.com and author of The Monogamy Myth This is the most comprehensive book on affairs that I have ever read and the only one that completely reflects the reality of affairs. No matter how many other books you have read on this subject, read this one. It is absolutely wonderful!

Ira Glass Host of National Public Radio's This American Life It's a relief my mom wrote a great book so I can be totally honest on the jacket cover. NOT "Just Friends" offers one surprising, radical insight after another, including: Infidelity doesn't start the first time your partner sleeps with someone else; it begins when your partner becomes closer to someone else than to you.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 448 pages
• Publisher: Atria Books (February 3, 2004)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0743225503
• ISBN-13: 978-0743225502
• Product Dimensions: 8.4 x 5.6 x 1.1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 13.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (158 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #4,822 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #54 in Books > Self-Help > Relationships > Marriage
  • #80 in Books > Self-Help > Relationships > Love & Romance

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

466 of 481 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars One of the Best Books on this Subject April 7, 2004

By Summer Destiny

Format:Paperback

I'd like to take a minute to comment on the value and meaning of this book to me. I am a woman who has been married to the same man for 28 years. We have 2 grown children, and have gone throught the issues many long-term married couples go through, including infidelity. I found out about my husband's affair from to woman's husband several years after it was over. Everyone "thought I knew"....I did not, although I knew we were having trouble. I just thought it would work itself out. It did, but that was because my husband ended the affair. You can't be "friends" with two women or men on the level it takes to have an intimate relationship. Let me say that I have a PhD in Nursing, am faculty at a large university in the Southwest and am very knowledgeable about family relationships. I did not "know" my husband was having an affair with a woman he called "just my friend"( I can't really say if I was in denial or not, but that doesn't seem valid to me). The affair lasted off and on for about six years. My life, and the lives of our children were "hell" during this time, for lack of a better word. Dr. Glass correctly states that if you are better friends with another person than your spouse, you have opened yourself up to be more intimate with another person than the one you vowed to cherish. If you are to be in a satisfied, committed relationship, a close relationship with a member of the opposite sex is frought with complications. You can't be "loyal" to two men or women at the same time ( This is particularly difficult for me to say, because I have always regarded myself as a feminist. The problem is the other woman was not, and wanted my husband.) This is my opinion, based on information I have gathered professionally and personally, but I believe in Dr. Glass' work and I think it is meaningful. I have read just about everything written about the subject of infidelity, and this book helped my husband (who read it also) and me more than any information did before or since. I wish anyone who is suffering from the pain of infidelity (regardless of the side of the fence they are on) peace.

102 of 102 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars Stop searching, buy this book October 7, 2005

By Austin Minimalist

Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase

I have to agree with the other reviewers that this is a very good book. I am a pretty tough critic, who reserves five stars for books that change my life. While this book fell just short of that classification, I can say that my life is a little easier/better after reading it.

If you are reading these reviews, you probably have some experience with the subject. For that, I offer you my condolences. The good news is two-fold. First, it gets better with time. Second, books like this one can help you along the way.

Dr. Glass makes no secret of the fact that she is a big advocate of trying to fix the relationship. Therefore, roughly half of the book is devoted to doing that. She also does not hesitate to say when she is not in the majority about some issue. That is, several times she says what most therapists believe, and then explains why she feels otherwise. It's nice to get both sides of the story so you can make your own decision...most of the time I agreed with the author.

But what I like most about this book is that it gives the perspective of all those involved. It covers the betrayed, the betrayer, and the outsider who the betrayer had the affair with. Therefore, it helps you look at the situation from the other person's point of view. While you might think you don't care about his/her side of the story, it is really important for your own "recovery."

This is the book for you if you are struggling with questions like: Why did this happen? What do we do now? Is the marriage worth trying to save? If so, how do we do it? I personally did not read all of the chapters. My marriage is long over and I was just looking for a book to help give me closure. I think this did it for me. I kind of wish I had found this book shortly after my ex-wife's affair. It might not have changed whether or not we would have stayed together, but it would have made the last nine months a whole lot easier.

147 of 152 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars The Best Book on Affairs August 12, 2003

By Carol Ummel Lindquist,Ph.D.

Format:Hardcover

I am a clinical psychologist,a wife and mother. I have read many, many books on affairs and treated literally hundreds of couples recovering from the marital carnage of affairs. This book is the best. My clients involved in affairs find it the most helpful and so do other therapists. Nothing else even comes close. Her examples ring true. There are no false notes.
I suspected that since she hadn't experienced an affair that she would be judgemental. Not so. She has great empathy for each person in the triangle. She understands that some mariages won't make it, yet is clear that her values are pro-marriage. She recognizes that many marriages emerge from affairs stronger than ever. This is the good stuff! Enjoy.