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515 of 539 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars One of the Best Books on this Subject
I'd like to take a minute to comment on the value and meaning of this book to me. I am a woman who has been married to the same man for 28 years. We have 2 grown children, and have gone throught the issues many long-term married couples go through, including infidelity. I found out about my husband's affair from to woman's husband several years after it was over...
Published on April 7, 2004 by Summer Destiny

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55 of 65 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Some Good Points, but Significantly Misguided
Not "Just Friends" seemed like an interesting read to me, as I am fascinated by anything psychology-related, especially when it comes to relationships. As someone who has endured abuse in several intimate relationships (mostly verbal, but some physical), I am grateful that I have never been sexually cheated on, as far as I know, despite having had many wounds and raw...
Published on June 19, 2012 by FlonneCVX


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515 of 539 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars One of the Best Books on this Subject, April 7, 2004
By 
Summer Destiny "Sudybelle" (Fort Worth, Texas United States) - See all my reviews
This review is from: Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity (Paperback)
I'd like to take a minute to comment on the value and meaning of this book to me. I am a woman who has been married to the same man for 28 years. We have 2 grown children, and have gone throught the issues many long-term married couples go through, including infidelity. I found out about my husband's affair from to woman's husband several years after it was over. Everyone "thought I knew"....I did not, although I knew we were having trouble. I just thought it would work itself out. It did, but that was because my husband ended the affair. You can't be "friends" with two women or men on the level it takes to have an intimate relationship. Let me say that I have a PhD in Nursing, am faculty at a large university in the Southwest and am very knowledgeable about family relationships. I did not "know" my husband was having an affair with a woman he called "just my friend"( I can't really say if I was in denial or not, but that doesn't seem valid to me). The affair lasted off and on for about six years. My life, and the lives of our children were "hell" during this time, for lack of a better word. Dr. Glass correctly states that if you are better friends with another person than your spouse, you have opened yourself up to be more intimate with another person than the one you vowed to cherish. If you are to be in a satisfied, committed relationship, a close relationship with a member of the opposite sex is frought with complications. You can't be "loyal" to two men or women at the same time ( This is particularly difficult for me to say, because I have always regarded myself as a feminist. The problem is the other woman was not, and wanted my husband.) This is my opinion, based on information I have gathered professionally and personally, but I believe in Dr. Glass' work and I think it is meaningful. I have read just about everything written about the subject of infidelity, and this book helped my husband (who read it also) and me more than any information did before or since. I wish anyone who is suffering from the pain of infidelity (regardless of the side of the fence they are on) peace.
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137 of 140 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Stop searching, buy this book, October 7, 2005
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This review is from: Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity (Paperback)
I have to agree with the other reviewers that this is a very good book. I am a pretty tough critic, who reserves five stars for books that change my life. While this book fell just short of that classification, I can say that my life is a little easier/better after reading it.

If you are reading these reviews, you probably have some experience with the subject. For that, I offer you my condolences. The good news is two-fold. First, it gets better with time. Second, books like this one can help you along the way.

Dr. Glass makes no secret of the fact that she is a big advocate of trying to fix the relationship. Therefore, roughly half of the book is devoted to doing that. She also does not hesitate to say when she is not in the majority about some issue. That is, several times she says what most therapists believe, and then explains why she feels otherwise. It's nice to get both sides of the story so you can make your own decision...most of the time I agreed with the author.

But what I like most about this book is that it gives the perspective of all those involved. It covers the betrayed, the betrayer, and the outsider who the betrayer had the affair with. Therefore, it helps you look at the situation from the other person's point of view. While you might think you don't care about his/her side of the story, it is really important for your own "recovery."

This is the book for you if you are struggling with questions like: Why did this happen? What do we do now? Is the marriage worth trying to save? If so, how do we do it? I personally did not read all of the chapters. My marriage is long over and I was just looking for a book to help give me closure. I think this did it for me. I kind of wish I had found this book shortly after my ex-wife's affair. It might not have changed whether or not we would have stayed together, but it would have made the last nine months a whole lot easier.
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172 of 184 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars The Best Book on Affairs, August 12, 2003
I am a clinical psychologist,a wife and mother. I have read many, many books on affairs and treated literally hundreds of couples recovering from the marital carnage of affairs. This book is the best. My clients involved in affairs find it the most helpful and so do other therapists. Nothing else even comes close. Her examples ring true. There are no false notes.
I suspected that since she hadn't experienced an affair that she would be judgemental. Not so. She has great empathy for each person in the triangle. She understands that some mariages won't make it, yet is clear that her values are pro-marriage. She recognizes that many marriages emerge from affairs stronger than ever. This is the good stuff! Enjoy.
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216 of 239 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Described my situation exactly!, November 22, 2004
By 
This review is from: Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity (Paperback)
I'm surprised by the negative feedback. I wonder if these people have ever experienced an affair? I, unfortunately, had to experience the horror of my husband having an affair. I can honestly say that I saw myself and my husband in almost ALL of this book... can't say much about the OW since I don't give a darn about her... but if it was so on the mark with my husband and I, it most likely is with her... (I admit I skipped that chapter on HER since I don't care at all about what she was feeling as she seduced a married man. I know it went both ways, but I know she made many many phone calls to him and kept the communication between them wide open to make him feel she was so trustworthy and full of wisdom).

I knew the signs and felt them coming. This book helps one see what kind of relationships could snowball - as it did in our situation. I felt uncomfortable when they went on a business trip together (which started everything) and felt something wasn't right when he went to lunch with her so often. That's how it all began! Then IMing, emails, phone calls, late nights at work, early mornings BEFORE work... the list goes on and on. Ladies, keep your eyes open all the time. I thought my husband would be the last person on earth who would cheat on me, but he did. He talked to her about all our problems and of course, she could relate to it and explain why she divorced... made it seem like the right thing to do since our marriage was "over" anyway. How she could convince him when he had a brandnew baby (6 wks & 3 yrs) at home and how he could ever think that it is a good time to leave is beyond me. He said, "It's never the perfect time to leave." HA Sounds like something a woman would say if she were trying to convince someone to leave their wife! He was gone for 8 weeks when he saw just what he was loosing and he came home finally to the relief of everyone. This book has been a godsend to me during this time. I can relate to every emotion Shirley Glass describes about the betrayed partner. I've recommended this book to all my married friends so they can read and know what to watch for (I don't think they think it could happen to them - just like I thought!). It can happen to anyone and it doesn't start out, like she explains, as two people intending on having an affair, but when the conditions are right, things happen.
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59 of 64 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Insightful Understanding into the Root of Today's Infidelity, February 20, 2003
By A Customer
I found this book to be incredibly insightful in its identification of the subtle transition from friends to lovers. Dr. Glass recognizes the emotional significance and potential hazard when an individual stops functioning as a responder to their mate and become a responder to a close friend.
The running story of Laura, Rachel and Ralf the book outlines mirrors precisely my own set of circumstances. Unfortunately I didn't find this book until after my relationship had ended. However, its description of the course of events was right on target, right down to the terms that the affair partners used to justify their actions including calling their lover their soul mate. In my own particular circumstances I was in the role of Rachel; Dr. Glass' insights into the thoughts of the character of Rachel paralleled my own during the affair of my significant other. This book mapped the friendship to affair progression I watched my significant other go through.
More specifically Dr. Glass managed to capture and understand the miry tangle of emotions that a person feels when their spouse is involved in an affair. For months I have been looking for someone that could understand that I felt both betrayed and yet still loved my former spouse. The description of the nauseating, insomniating, complicated emotions the person who has been cheated on feels was exactly what I had been trying to express to family and friends.
I would recommend this book to anyone who has been involved in an affair personally or tangentially as well as for any couple interested in protecting and identifying risks to their relationship.
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50 of 54 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing Insight!, July 17, 2006
By 
Ali Revere "seeking to understand" (Wilmington, Delaware United States) - See all my reviews
This review is from: Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity (Paperback)
I've only known of my husband's affair for about 6 weeks. It has floored me and has totally rocked my world. After reading this book, I realized I should have seen it coming. This book brought so much to my attention. While not a bad marriage, I wouldn't call my marriage good either. It ceratinly isn't what I wanted in a marriage. Some where along the way, we stopped really communicating and meeting each other's emotional needs...though I never stopped loving my husband.

One of the most stunning things I learned from the book was that I too had had an affair, an "emotional affair"...but I did not know that was what it was until I read this book. I have a very good male friend who became my number one confidant, when my husband was no longer meeting my emotional needs. We have talked about everything. We even talked about having a sexual affair, but both agreed it had the potential of ruining our friendship, so we drew the line there. Additionally, every time I'd spend time talking to my friend, I'd be wishing that it was my husband and I spending time together talking. Or when my friend would do something nice for me, I'd wonder why my husband didn't do things like that, and wish he would. The truth is, my friend was a stand-in for my husband, but I never saw him as being able to replace my husband because I absolutely love my husband.

Regardless of what I was "wishing for", I am positive this "emotional affair" played an indirect role in my husband's affair. By this I mean, it definitely played a role in weakening our marriage further, though I ABSOLUTELY do not take responsibility for the choice he made to enter in a sexual and emotional affair (the book really helped me to understand this concept). Since things were already rocky, as my friendship grew, my efforts to meet my husband's needs lessened. Like me, he found someone else who did meet his emotional needs. But he did not stop there. It became a strong emotional and sexual relationship. Though the sexual part of it angers me, it is less devastating to me than the lies and deception that were involved, the financial investment he made into the relationship, and the way his behavior changed during the affair. He was a Dr. Jeckyl/ Mr. Hyde. And that is what has really hurt me and our family.

So, the booked really helped me see the "whole" picture. Unfortunately, we are still uncertain if we will be able to save the marriage. We are still "together" and are seeing a counselor. But it is very early in the process. He admits he still loves me but he is also is experiencing ambivalence about his feeling for the affair partner and I am experiencing ambivalence about having him stay in the house while he works through what he wants.

The book does a good job explaining our current feelings and addressing the issues we are both dealing with right now, but it can't give us the answers as to what is the right thing for us to do. Only time and counseling will.

My husband has also read the book, up to the section about saving the marraige. It is helping him to open up and answer my questions and deal with my mood swings and trust issues. But until he decides what he really wants, we can not even visit if the marriage is salvageable.

So in conclusion, I do strongly recommend this book to all three parties involved, the betrayed, the person having the affair, and the affair partner. All will benefit from the insightful information it provides. One of the very best things about the book is all the real life examples that are shared. It helps you realize, you are not the only one this has happened to. And while the book can't make the decisions for you, it will help you understand what has happened, why it may have happened, and how to move forward with healing, either together or apart.

God Bless anyone having to deal with this very painful situation!
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41 of 44 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent, detailed and accurate, March 18, 2003
By A Customer
I feel I owe a debt of gratitude to Dr. Glass. Nearly two years ago, when my husband and I were struggling to come to terms with his "uniquely intense friendship" with another woman, it was Dr. Glass's clear and succinct definition of an affair that helped us understand the true nature of that particular relationship. When I heard Dr. Glass had written a book, I immediately searched it out, and I have not been sorry.
Dr. Glass's descriptions of the transition from innocent friendship to illicit affair are brilliantly stated; at one point, my husband and I joked that Dr. G. must have been following us around, clipboard in one hand and tape recorder in the other, to be able to recreate our experiences in such accurate detail! One of the sad things about affairs is that while the affair participants are completely convinced that their experience is unique, fresh and unparalleled in the annals of human history, in fact the vast majority of affairs follow very predictable patterns, which Dr. Glass has managed to trace and describe. While she takes a strong anti-affair, pro-marriage stance, she treats both partners with respect and compassion, neither vilifying nor glorifying either role.
I am particularly impressed with Dr. Glass's "trauma theory" of affairs. Having gone through the experience myself, I can verify that "trauma" is really the best word for it; and as a former mental health professional, I find her approach to treatment absolutely sound. I also appreciated the section on determining your own susceptibility to affairs. If my husband and I had known even a fraction of this stuff, we might have been saved a great deal of pain and suffering.
In short, this book is well worth its cover price. It's one of the few that I'd buy in hardcover, and I'd highly recommend it not only for those who are going through, or who have gone through, the turmoil of an affair and its aftermath, but for anyone in a committed relationship who wants to ensure that neither they nor their partner finds themself protesting, "I'm telling you, we're *just friends*!"
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39 of 42 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars This truly did save my sanity and our relationship!, August 13, 2006
By 
The Biker Lady (Finger Lakes, NY) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity (Paperback)
Oh boy...Was I a mess after I found out about the affair. I couldn't stop obsessing about it and the anger stayed at the boiling point at our house. He was too immersed in shame to reach out and help. We wanted to save our relationship but weren't sure how. We couldn't manage a civil conversation about anything and I wanted to know every detail. I happened across a magazine article about cheating that suggested this book. I went straight home, ordered it, paid for overnight shipping, and started reading as soon as it arrived. It definitely helped me regain my sanity and helped us talk in a constuctive way so the healing could start. He wouldn't read the book but I shared the advice it gave and we both followed it. We've succeeded and strangely enough, are probably doing better now than before the affair. If you've been the victim of an affair and wonder when the pain will start to subside, I strongly suggest you order this book. When it arrives, put everything else aside and just read and read and start to regain your sanity.

Good luck to you!
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26 of 27 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Stability, Hope and Self-Love When Your Mind is Spinning, June 17, 2007
By 
D. Jimenez "Bluewaterchild" (Brooklyn, New York United States) - See all my reviews
This review is from: Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity (Paperback)
I am a very private person, even in my pain. However, the help this book provided me in the time of my crisis was irreplaceable and as I feel there may be others who are experiencing what I experienced or have gone through the pain of either emotional or sexual infidelity with their partners, my need to praise and review this book went beyond me and my need for privacy in order to possibly help someone else. From cover to cover it was as if Dr. Glass was reading my mind, the mind of my spouse, had already anticipated his and my actions and was uncovering the layers of the betrayal partner with precision, which as I unearthed more information, shined clear through like an xtray into her character and actions. This book helped me to calm my mind and spirit and understand the many angles that are created to birth the possibility of an affair into existence. My husband and I suffered some set backs, mostly related to the aspect of "lies of omission" and/or our being separated for four months, but Dr. Glass' book was with me and later us(he later agreed to read the book) each step with timely precision. Although it has been over three years since the disclosure of my spouse's emotionally intimate betrayal, which itself lasted for almost three years, I still find solice in Dr. Glass' work when "triggered" by certain reminders or behavior in myself or from my husband. She was a definite godsend to me at a time I thought my implicit trust was my own undoing. I literally cried when I found out she had passed. I felt her work blessed me that much. After 15 years of marriage, both I and my husband attempt to be vigilent in using many of the ideas and suggestions Dr. Glass puts forth in her book to maintain proper "windows" and "walls" with regards to our opposite sex relationships/friendships. Yes, it takes time to heal, learn to love your partner again and refocus on your relationship/marriage if it is truly what you want. I would also recommend this book as a gift to newly married couples or those embarking on an agreed long-term committed relationship. Lastly, as I recently learned the betrayal partner in my saga married just this year, I can only say that I hope if by chance she reads this, she has grown with integrity and has come to understand what it will take to keep her marriage safe, close and loving. Be forewarned, you(SBRDP)do not ever want to experience the pain and hurt which you caused me and my family not so long ago. ASE
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44 of 49 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A therapist's perspective on Not Just Friends, April 30, 2003
By 
Eugenie Connall (Columbia, MD United States) - See all my reviews
I am a therapist in private practice in Columbia, Maryland. A significant portion of my clients are married couples who have experienced infidelity. Dr. Glass' book is the first book and tool that I have used that makes sense for individuals who have suffered the pain and trauma of infidelity. Her concept of the slippery slope rings true for all of the individuals I counsel who have been affected by the crisis of infidelity. Dr. Glass' book offers insight and tools on how to manage the aftermath of infidelity. One couple I worked with called me and told me that even the "other man" that the wife was involved with was reading the book!! This book is a must for everyone, and it has been a great assistance to me in my work. Dr. Glass is compassionate and reality based in her approach and gives hope to those who have been personally affected by infidelity. I assign this book as required reading to every person in a relationship that comes to see me for counseling. The book is outstanding and I highly recommend it.
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Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity
Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Jean Coppock Staeheli (Paperback - February 3, 2004)
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