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I'm Not Mad, I Just Hate You!: A New Understanding of Mother-Daughter Conflict Paperback – March 1, 2000


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I'm Not Mad, I Just Hate You!: A New Understanding of Mother-Daughter Conflict + Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager, Revised and Updated + Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!: Loving Your Kid Without Losing Your Mind
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Product Details

  • Paperback: 280 pages
  • Publisher: Penguin Books; 1 edition (March 1, 2000)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0140286004
  • ISBN-13: 978-0140286007
  • Product Dimensions: 0.6 x 5.4 x 7.9 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 8.5 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (16 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #195,106 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

If you are a mother and many of your conversations with your teenage daughter begin with a rolling of eyes, move into shrieked insults, and end with a door slam, I'm Not Mad, I Just Hate You! could save you both. As Roni Cohen-Sandler and Michelle Silver illustrate, even if you often seem to be living on two different planets, conflict does not have to define your relationship.

Cohen-Sandler, a clinical psychologist specializing in issues of women and adolescent girls, and Silver, senior editor of Girls' Life magazine, have done mothers a great service with this thoroughly researched book. Their main point is simple: arguments are bound to occur, but if approached correctly, confrontation can actually lead to deeper mutual understanding and a stronger mother-daughter bond. Consistently working through battles also demonstrates a sense of constancy that will offer good lessons for future relationships. Through case studies, exercises, and detailed scenarios, the authors describe the most effective ways to communicate about such loaded topics as dating, sexuality, drugs and alcohol, and peer pressure, paying particular attention to the "classic battle starters": the state of her bedroom, her clothing, and her makeup and jewelry choices. Other in-depth chapters focus on the right and wrong ways to respond to verbal attacks and the importance of choosing battles wisely. Some of their advice will not be easy to follow, especially when the fight is on, but if some effort is exerted, these tips should help mothers and daughters not only survive, but even enjoy, the teen years. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From Publishers Weekly

Cohen-Sandler, a psychologist, and Silver, an editor of Girl's Life magazine, offer advice to mothers anxious about surviving their daughters' teen years. The authors assume that conflict is a given. Their aim is to provide mothers with strategies for coping with problems and even turning them into something positive. They reason that if girls learn how to handle conflict early on, if they can develop constructive ways of coping with their emotions, they will be that much further ahead in life. The authors offer some interesting examples and suggestions: advising mothers to choose their battles carefully and to calm themselves down before confronting their daughters. They take the usual approach of telling readers what to say and what not to say through a series of short, familiar vignettes. The organization is confusing, however, and leads to some repetition. In their attempt to be sympathetic to teens, the authors at times sound like apologists ("This kind of exasperating self-centeredness, for better or worse, is simply a part of being a teen"), making mothers want to tiptoe timidly around their daughters. The authors shy away from some big issues as well: they tell the story of a mother waiting for the results of a daughter's HIV test but squelch the opportunity to discuss AIDS issues in general. By the time they finish reading, mothers may find themselves yearning for a chapter, if not an entire book, written especially for their daughters on the pressures of motherhood.
Copyright 1999 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

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Customer Reviews

4.2 out of 5 stars
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This is a must read for any mother with a teenage daughter!
Kristine Vogel
I do hear, however, that in just a little while she will want to know, but not right now.
mustlovetoread
The book came in what seemed like only 2 days and it was in perfect shape!
Pamela S. Mckinney

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

85 of 88 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on March 7, 2000
Format: Paperback
At a time when I was ready to give up on being a mother till my teen "grew up", this book was a godsend. My feelings of desperation, confusion, loss, and wondering where I went wrong were all validated. I have already started trying techniques recommended. Even if it doesn't change my daughter, my perception has changed so that I'm better able to cope. Very readable (not a bunch of jargon) I'd recommend it to any mother of a teenage girl. The only reason I didn't give 5 stars was because there were no illustrations. Of course, as an adult I don't have to have them, but I like them. Sometimes a well-placed cartoon helps to illustrate a point. It may be the authors thought illustrations are inappropriate for their book.
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61 of 64 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on December 5, 1999
Format: Hardcover
This work is an interesting and practical guide on how to maange the highs and lows of mother/daughter relationships. Cohen-Sandler and Silver not only offer valuable insights into the sensitive realtionship between mothers and teenage daughters, but they also present specific how-to's for building and maintaining a healthy relationship. This book begins by asking mothers to examine their own strengths and weaknesses in their role as parent and mentor. Next, the reader journeys through the characteristics of the teenage girl in today's society. Mothers are then given specific advice on how to handle numerous crises. The authors reassure us that conflict does not have to be a bad thing, as long as it is managed in a postive way. Although the book is very readable, the early chapters challenge the readers patience. The authors relate stories of several mothers and their daughters. However, they separate the stories in two different chapters. Although I understood their reasoning for focusing on the mothers and daughters in individual chapters, I found it tiresome to flip back and forth between the chapters to remind myself which mother was connected to which daughter. This book is a valuable read and I recommend it to both mothers and daughters who wish to remain actively engaged in one of the most influential relationships of their lives.
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59 of 62 people found the following review helpful By Lolly H on December 19, 2000
Format: Paperback
I thought I going was nuts, not knowing how to parent my pre-teen. At last, a book to let me know I was not going crazy by myself, that it is perfectly normal what we are going through, why I as the mom am the target and spring board for her growing up. It also gives ideas on how to rethink parenting, your responses to issues. It shows why "I" the mom am the only one, cuz I'm the closest one to her, that she is 'experimenting with life' off of. I don't feel so alone, I'm okay, and can see why I get the backwash, and the testing. I highly recommend this book to other moms and also dads too, so they can understand the battle while they watch from the sidelines.
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36 of 37 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on October 18, 1999
Format: Hardcover
It's comforting to know I'm not the only mom who has tumbled off her pedestal.Intuitively I may have known my daughter's adolescence would cause bumps in the road, but I had not anticipated many of her (and my!!) insensitive reactions. The book greatly helps to keep things in perspective.
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18 of 18 people found the following review helpful By Kristine Vogel on March 27, 2007
Format: Paperback
This past summer my husband and I were devastated with our 16 yr old daughter's sudden behavior change. It was horrible. I went on Amazon to try and find some books on parenting teens in today's day and found this one. What a relief! As I was reading the case studies I cried, I swore they were some of my experiences word for word. If anything this book gave me comfort in knowing that I was not crazy and I was not alone. It also gave examples of the appropriate way to respond to different situations(in addition to counseling and a lot of praying). I've since recommended this book to our pastor and two other mothers who had sudden similar experiences. This is a must read for any mother with a teenage daughter!
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80 of 102 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on February 18, 2003
Format: Paperback
I wouldn't have bought this book if I wasn't dealing with a VERY defiant, and manipulative teenage daughter--so when this book assumes that I can just say the right thing and everything will be fine, is an absolute joke! This advice would be great if it worked as simply as the book says. But if you already have a tough kid, these tips are NOT going to suddenly make her see the logic in my rules. Kids don't care about the explaination of why it's wrong to dress trashy or wear too much makeup...they want what they want. This book assumes that your kid obeys you in the first place! The title really drew me in--I thought that I had finally found a book that understood what I am going through. But it's just another below-average parenting book with a catchy title!
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5 of 5 people found the following review helpful By Alexis Parks on February 18, 2008
Format: Paperback
The title of the book is a grabber for most parents who think their child is defiant, manipulative or out-of-control. Many parents at this stage are feeling a little bit desperate, or a lot. They'll read anything that offers them hope and a way out of conflict.

I read it because I wanted to find out if I could recommend it to parents, and I can. Tough love doesn't work. Trust and deep listening does. Each acting out, the author shows, is a cry for help and this book throws you BOTH a lifeline.

Alexia Parks, [...] author of An American Gulag, Secret P.O.W. Camps for Teens.
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