I'm Not Mad, I Just Hate You!: A New Understanding of Mother-Daughter Conflict [Hardcover]

Roni Cohen-Sandler (Author), Michelle Silver (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: March 1, 1999

Almost without exception, the teen years are tumultuous for both girls and their mothers. Teen girls, who are socialized to stifle their anger and avoid confrontation, frequently take out their frustration on their mothers as the only safe and available targets. The good news is that with patience and the right guidance, mothers can transform the teenage years into positive ones and enrich the mother- daughter relationship. "I'm Not Mad, I Just Hate You!" combines the expertise of a clinical psychologist (who has worked with women and adolescent girls for more than twenty years) with that of a senior editor at a leading teen magazine. The book demonstrates how mother-daughter friction during adolescence, managed creatively, empowers girls by teaching them invaluable skills and can even foster intimacy. Discussion of social, emotional, cultural, and psychological issues is interwoven with the voices of mothers and daughters in case studies that are illuminating and reassuring. In the wake of widely popular books exposing the perils adolescent girls face, "I'm Not Mad, I Just Hate You!" provides mothers with much-needed practical strategies to help their daughters grow into emotionally healthy and capable adults. At the same time, women will encourage loving and lifelong connections with their daughters.

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

If you are a mother and many of your conversations with your teenage daughter begin with a rolling of eyes, move into shrieked insults, and end with a door slam, I'm Not Mad, I Just Hate You! could save you both. As Roni Cohen-Sandler and Michelle Silver illustrate, even if you often seem to be living on two different planets, conflict does not have to define your relationship.

Cohen-Sandler, a clinical psychologist specializing in issues of women and adolescent girls, and Silver, senior editor of Girls' Life magazine, have done mothers a great service with this thoroughly researched book. Their main point is simple: arguments are bound to occur, but if approached correctly, confrontation can actually lead to deeper mutual understanding and a stronger mother-daughter bond. Consistently working through battles also demonstrates a sense of constancy that will offer good lessons for future relationships. Through case studies, exercises, and detailed scenarios, the authors describe the most effective ways to communicate about such loaded topics as dating, sexuality, drugs and alcohol, and peer pressure, paying particular attention to the "classic battle starters": the state of her bedroom, her clothing, and her makeup and jewelry choices. Other in-depth chapters focus on the right and wrong ways to respond to verbal attacks and the importance of choosing battles wisely. Some of their advice will not be easy to follow, especially when the fight is on, but if some effort is exerted, these tips should help mothers and daughters not only survive, but even enjoy, the teen years.

From Publishers Weekly

Cohen-Sandler, a psychologist, and Silver, an editor of Girl's Life magazine, offer advice to mothers anxious about surviving their daughters' teen years. The authors assume that conflict is a given. Their aim is to provide mothers with strategies for coping with problems and even turning them into something positive. They reason that if girls learn how to handle conflict early on, if they can develop constructive ways of coping with their emotions, they will be that much further ahead in life. The authors offer some interesting examples and suggestions: advising mothers to choose their battles carefully and to calm themselves down before confronting their daughters. They take the usual approach of telling readers what to say and what not to say through a series of short, familiar vignettes. The organization is confusing, however, and leads to some repetition. In their attempt to be sympathetic to teens, the authors at times sound like apologists ("This kind of exasperating self-centeredness, for better or worse, is simply a part of being a teen"), making mothers want to tiptoe timidly around their daughters. The authors shy away from some big issues as well: they tell the story of a mother waiting for the results of a daughter's HIV test but squelch the opportunity to discuss AIDS issues in general. By the time they finish reading, mothers may find themselves yearning for a chapter, if not an entire book, written especially for their daughters on the pressures of motherhood.
Copyright 1999 Reed Business Information, Inc.

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 280 pages
• Publisher: Viking Adult (March 1, 1999)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0670883433
• ISBN-13: 978-0670883431
• Product Dimensions: 9 x 6.1 x 1.1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.2 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 4.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (12 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,605,315 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

76 of 79 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars best book re teenage girls, March 7, 2000

By A Customer

This review is from: I'm Not Mad, I Just Hate You!: A New Understanding of Mother-Daughter Conflict (Paperback)

At a time when I was ready to give up on being a mother till my teen "grew up", this book was a godsend. My feelings of desperation, confusion, loss, and wondering where I went wrong were all validated. I have already started trying techniques recommended. Even if it doesn't change my daughter, my perception has changed so that I'm better able to cope. Very readable (not a bunch of jargon) I'd recommend it to any mother of a teenage girl. The only reason I didn't give 5 stars was because there were no illustrations. Of course, as an adult I don't have to have them, but I like them. Sometimes a well-placed cartoon helps to illustrate a point. It may be the authors thought illustrations are inappropriate for their book.

55 of 57 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Good News For Mothers and Daughters, December 5, 1999

By A Customer

This review is from: I'm Not Mad, I Just Hate You!: A New Understanding of Mother-Daughter Conflict (Hardcover)

This work is an interesting and practical guide on how to maange the highs and lows of mother/daughter relationships. Cohen-Sandler and Silver not only offer valuable insights into the sensitive realtionship between mothers and teenage daughters, but they also present specific how-to's for building and maintaining a healthy relationship. This book begins by asking mothers to examine their own strengths and weaknesses in their role as parent and mentor. Next, the reader journeys through the characteristics of the teenage girl in today's society. Mothers are then given specific advice on how to handle numerous crises. The authors reassure us that conflict does not have to be a bad thing, as long as it is managed in a postive way. Although the book is very readable, the early chapters challenge the readers patience. The authors relate stories of several mothers and their daughters. However, they separate the stories in two different chapters. Although I understood their reasoning for focusing on the mothers and daughters in individual chapters, I found it tiresome to flip back and forth between the chapters to remind myself which mother was connected to which daughter. This book is a valuable read and I recommend it to both mothers and daughters who wish to remain actively engaged in one of the most influential relationships of their lives.

56 of 59 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars No, I'm not going crazy!, December 19, 2000

By 

L. A. Hope "Laurie H" (Bremerton, WA USA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: I'm Not Mad, I Just Hate You!: A New Understanding of Mother-Daughter Conflict (Paperback)

I thought I going was nuts, not knowing how to parent my pre-teen. At last, a book to let me know I was not going crazy by myself, that it is perfectly normal what we are going through, why I as the mom am the target and spring board for her growing up. It also gives ideas on how to rethink parenting, your responses to issues. It shows why "I" the mom am the only one, cuz I'm the closest one to her, that she is 'experimenting with life' off of. I don't feel so alone, I'm okay, and can see why I get the backwash, and the testing. I highly recommend this book to other moms and also dads too, so they can understand the battle while they watch from the sidelines.