It has been nearly 20 years since Ellen and Sherrie first published a cultural jugernaut of a book called The Rules, a rather unexpected best seller that has us still talking no matter what we say otherwise. While I still turn to the first book for insights and advice (as many do), they needed to publish a supplement to it because things have changed rather drastically since it's first publication in 1995. The entire world was not carrying cell phones, did not go online for any purposes everyday, and there were no social networks. At last, the supplemental materials have been published on how to be a Rules Girl in the digital age. Like it or not, technology has changed us as a people.
Firstly, this book is addressing both Rules girls of a certain age (from 18 to 80) who are either the dyed in the wool Rules Girls like their example of the fictional Melanie from their first book or Born Again Rules Girls who have tried and failed by being the aggresor. This book also addresses a unique situation that was latent - mothers who are trying to train their daughters to be Rules Girls in the digital age. Even though I am far more mature (at age 38) than when their first book was published, technology did allow some latent problems and affects. Even if Mom is trying to tell her daughter to do and not do this or that, Mom has little to no control over what her daughter is or isn't doing online (and may not know how to use techno toys in order to instruct correctly). What to do? This book supplies you with some excellent pointers on how to deal with remaining a CUAO in the digital age. Second, keep in mind that there are a few (and I do mean a few) among the population who still are not using modern technology for whatever reason. If this is the case, then you can fall back on the older Rules without any problems. However, since we have to assume that a person is plugged in somehow we must learn to deal with it. If you are among the small percentage of the population that is not plugged in, then you better get plugged in or it will come back to bite you somehow. With that being said, here is a review of what they published:
1) Texting - Everyone texts today for a variety of purposes. It is commonplace for people to talk this way about anything and everything. I see this advice as a very good one because we now spend so much time glued to our phones when we are not before the computer. It's hard to not be, to be sure, but if and when a man sends a text for something, wait for a bit. There is a chart in the book depending on your age on how long to wait to respond to a text. And don't let him know that you left the phone at home, that you were busy doing (blank), etc. which is why you didn't text back. Just respond however you were going to respond. Excessive texting by either party says that you are clingy and desperate.
2) IM - While we have to be in front of the computer to do this, make yourself invisable so that you can't be reached if and when he's there. Admittedly, this is annoying when someone does this constantly. If you are there and someone sends an IM, respond appropos. If it's a man and he asks you out this way, don't accept immediately for that night. Once, a few years ago, I was on Facebook on a Saturday night and some guy sent me an IM. We began to chat, he asked if I wanted to meet him for dinner that night and I said yes. I went to the restaurant, we met, talked, had a nice time. I drove home (alone) and I never heard from him again. He liked a few of my Facebook updates, but he never initiated another conversation or a phone call or anything. I figured that he would initiate something again if he was interested enough. He said he was, but actions speak louder than words. Last year, I updated my relationship status and he unfriended me after literally YEARS of being friends. What happened? He never contacted me again, he was not interested enough, and then he got jealous of my being with someone else. Life goes on, it happens.
3) Social Networks (Facebook) - Facebook has changed our lives, no question about that. Not only are we connected, but we have an unbelievable means of sharing all kinds of information with the world. Friending/unfriending has become almost a cardinal sin among social groups. The ultimate insult is to unfriend/block someone. Follow these rules when it comes to friending/unfriending:
A) Do not friend him unless he wants to friend you.
B) Do not friend his friends/family unless he says it's ok for you to do so.
C) Do not keep being friends with him on Facebook if it comes to an end.
I agree completely with this. My last serious boyfriend broke it off, within 5-6 months he got a new girlfriend. It was far too painful to see all the lovely dovey posts between him and her when he was not doing the same with me (and I wasn't putting posts of any kind on his wall), so I unfriended him. His sister and mother unfriended me over that. Painful? Sure it is, but that was double hurtful. I have since accepted it and have moved on, I had no choice in the matter. I'd also like to add in this situation that he was with me for six months and he never said "I love you". After two months he moved in with the new girlfriend as he was looking to get out of his mom's house, even though she's taking care of him and he seems to now have to do what Mommy tells him, he really had to say "I love you" to her, doesn't he? Don't friend his friends/family unless you somehow knew them already before.
4) Photos/Sexting - Don't do this. I mean really, you never know how what will/won't end up somewhere somehow. A man who does this to you is not serious about you, and neither are you about him. Do you really expect someone who sends you a naked photo of themselves to you (or asks you to do to them) is husband/boyfriend material? If the answer is "I don't know", then you really have to ask yourself why you are even reading this review let alone reading the book to begin with. A few years ago, I was on an online dating site and made a connection with a man who asked me to send another photo of myself. He badgered me via text for a day or two, and finally I sent him one of me. It was not sexy in any way, it was a headshot of me in the mirror after a haircut. He texted back "THanks". And then nothing else. I just assumed Next! and moved on. Months later I get a call on my cell from a number I didn't recognize and it was him asking if I still wanted to meet. I said "No thank you", he seemed surprised/angry and asked "Why not?". I said "You'll understand" and hung up.
There is an intro that says more or less that if you are not interested in having a serious relationship with someone due to your age or circumstances, then you are not ready to take these Rules seriously. Good advice, and ones you should follow. If you are not looking for Mr. Right then you shouldn't do these updated or older Rules. Go out and have a good time and break every Rule in the book.
The rest of the Rules are ones that were covered in the previous books. That is, don't get fall down, stupid drunk at parties, don't sleep with a guy ASAP, and don't act all crazy. Why? If you don't care about your street cred then have a good time. It's really best to get all that rowdiness out of your system if you need it to be out of you. Because people talk and that talk will get back to whoever you're with or your general social scene. There is something to be said about being a mystery, either in your social circle but ESPECIALLY at work. Don't friend coworkers (only former ones) so they will take information about you and use it against you or share it with someone else. Protect your privacy in any way you can.
So the ulitmate question, as always, is, do they work? And the answer, of course, is YES they work. But proceed with some caution and good judgement. There are so many times you can say you are busy when you are actually not. You can't stay busy and unavailable forever. There are some exceptions like contacting in case of an emergency. If he cancels on you without a very good explination, then he's not worth your time. Move on. These books are about happiness - because in the end all you have is you. Why would you want to whine about a man who is so mean or disrespectful towards you that he treats you like his mother rather than his lover? The ulitmate goal, I think we all agree, is to be happy with yourself.
