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Nothing's Wrong: A Man's Guide to Managing His Feelings

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When asked, "What's wrong?" men usually respond with "Nothing's wrong" effectively negating all further discussion. This response also prevents men from working through their feelings. Generally speaking, men do not know what to do with their feelings. Society accepts only a narrow amount of emotional expression from men -- mostly anger and aggression. Thus, men tend to be uncomfortable with their own feelings and the feelings of others. Because of this, men fail to learn how to identify and express their feelings in a healthy way. Put simply, men are emotional illiterates. This is tragic, for it keeps men from living a whole life. "Not to be aware of one's feelings, not to understand them or know how to use or express them, is worse than being blind, deaf or paralyzed. Not to feel is not to be alive" -- (Dr. David Viscott). Men need emotional as well as intellectual intelligence. "Emotional intelligence is 'awareness of one's own feelings as they occur' -- it is being smart in dealing with your feelings" (p. 39). Thinking and feeling are not at odds, but are complementary. Thinking leads to feeling just as feeling leads to thinking (p. 40). In order to live a whole life, men must notice their feel, identify their feelings, and express their feelings -- regardless of whether they are weak or strong. Feelings are not wrong (they just are) nor are they feminine. Sporting events are not the only place where one is allowed to feel strongly! This is a great introduction to an important topic that men must embrace or risk living only half a life!

I am pleased to have the opportunity to review Nothing's Wrong: A Man's Guide to Managing His Feelings, a book written for men by a man. My interest in reviewing it comes out of the work I do in the field of Domestic Violence. I facilitate a group for male batterers, where I find myself teaching men to get in touch with and learn to manage their feelings.

The author, Dr. David Kudtz, holds a doctorate in pastoral psychology, and is a licensed family therapist. He has written two other books, Quiet Mind: One-Minute Retreats from a Busy World and Stopping: How to Be Still When You Have to Keep Going. His website is [...].

In Nothing's Wrong, Dr. Kundtz advocates emotional fitness for men. He teaches men that knowing how to manage one's feelings is essential to one's overall well-being and success in life. He acknowledges that men are often never taught how to recognize their feelings, nor what to do with that feeling once it is recognized.

He uses the metaphor of the "Man on the Moon" versus the "Man in the Moon". "The Man on the Moon" is the astronaut who has literally gone into outer space and landed on the moon. "The Man in the Moon" is the man who lives a rich emotional life. Dr. Kundtz suggests that men learn how to be both the "Man on the Moon" and the "Man in the Moon", the man who is strong and active as well as the man who is feeling and sensitive.

The book is written in a language that's easy to understand. Real life examples are given to aid in the learning process, and highlighted boxes contain essential concepts. A list of feeling words are included on pages 36 and 37. Each chapter ends with a few suggestions for review, and a bibliography is given at the end of the book.

Nothing's Wrong may be written for men, but it is also respectful to women. The author talks about feminism, and how women have learned to embrace their stronger side. He writes "what do girls and women want? I believe the majority of them want boys and men who are both strong and protective and sensitive and feeling." The author is asking men to step up to the plate and learn about their emotions as women have done in learning to have more external power in the world.

Nothing's Wrong culminates in three essential steps, and the entire book focuses on the importance of utilizing the steps. The first step is to notice the feeling, the second step is to name the feeling, and the third step is to express the feeling. The expression of feelings can be directed to another person, or creatively expressed.

A brief section covering anger is found toward the end of the book. A few suggestions for dealing with anger or similar to what we suggest for participants in the batter's intervention program. Dr. Kundtz recommends "conscious breathing, counting to 10 slowly, or talking over the situation with someone you trust." He also recommends practicing Asian arts, avoiding situations which trigger anger, and engaging in physical exercise.

Overall, I think that this is a great book for men or anyone who wants to know why feelings are important, as well as a blueprint for working with those feelings.

Nothing's Wrong: A Man's Guide To Managing His Feelings by family therapist and public speaker David Kundtzis an impressively instructive self-help guide written especially for men to dealing with their feelings in a productive manner. The advice and insights within these pages are neither "mushy" nor intended to in any way discourage the worthy and traditionally masculine goals of protector, provider, and role model, but rather will substantively help men of all faiths and cultures lead happier and healthier lives, and less likely to be struck down by stress-related ills. A practical and easy-to-understand assessment, Nothing's Wrong is very highly recommended reading.