Customer Reviews

Ocean of Lard (Choose Your Own Mindfuck Fest #17)

5 star:		(12)
4 star:		(4)
3 star:		(4)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

There was a point while reading Ocean of Lard when I set the book down and said: "well, that was disturbing." I know that that doesn't seem like such a big deal, but understand: I'm the guy who thinks that thinks that zombie sex with midgets is funny.

Anyway, Ocean of Lard is great fun. It's a a twisted little romp for sick adults. It has pirates, sexy mermaids, pedophillia and everything else a broken mind needs.

Very occasionally, life provides us with an escape so pure and full that upon it's end we are left in the fetal position, giggling maniacally and wondering why exactly we should ever want to do anything else at all ever again. Reading "The Ocean of Lard" is one of these rare escapes. I won't claim that this is a book that rivals establised literary classics, but it's not supposed to, which is why it's so enjoyable. The "choose your own adventure" format allows the reader to feel as if they're in control, when really you're just running blindly around in the brilliant maze that is author Carlton Mellick's imagination. No matter how many times you read through this, you won't be able to help but smile and become completely lost in it, which makes it just as important to own as any work by Shakespeare, Twain, or Hemingway. To keep, reading this review, turn to page 124. To make the right choice and avoid the doldrums of everyday life, but this book right now.

Who says kids have to have all the fun? This book is a sick & twisted adventure that lets you choose your own warped destiny. You're on the run due to your criminal actions. Things start getting weird immediately. The highway is abruptly transformed into a hiking trail. There's a mutant ocean of lard in the middle of Wyoming. You have three choices: Pirate Town, The Eye World, or The Rotten Sore. You can be a sailor sloshing through an ocean of lard fighting zombies and having sex with amazing mutant creatures! Of course, you could also choose to stay on land and take your chances in Pirate Town. The best part is, you can relive the adventure over and over again, varying the plot, amazing settings, mutant creatures, and kinky sex as you go! You can die over and over in imaginative ways and immediately start the fun again. I highly recommend taking this book to the office and indulging in it during those boring times when the boss disappears. It'll make your day much more interesting.

This is a great book for me. As a kid in the late 80s I was an addict of the "Choose Your Own Adventure" series of books. I owned just about all of them - "Third Planet From Altair," "Mystery of Chimney Rock," "Ghost Hunter," etc.

This book is a funny and eminently readable parody of the "Choose Your Own Adventure" series. In order to really enjoy this books it helps if you read the series as a kid. It's hilarious because it's taken that series and given it an irreverent, perverted twist. I can tell the author, celebrated punk author Carlton Mellick III, probably grew up reading these books because he's got the tone of them down perfectly. Even the cover of the book looks like a knock-off of a Choose Your Own Adventure book!

As for the story, what can I say? It's irreverent, wacky, perverted fun. It's not deep literature, but it is a lot of fun, especially if you grew up with the series it's lampooning, then it becomes doubly interesting to see the series turned absolutely upside down. But even if you didn't have the good fortune to read these books as a kid, this book is a quick read and still worth it. For anyone who read the "Choose Your Own Adventure" series, it's a must read!

Soaring my heart with pleasure while simultaneously stinking up my soul, the plot is deliciously repugnant. Placing you as the main character that is fleeing from the cops because of a criminal indiscretion, you are thrown three choices that even the devil would pity you for. Sorry kids, but no matter which way you choose, it's not going to be pretty. Believe me, I know, I read that book three times and took three different directions. Each time is different, the pace varying with the path you choose; both are chaotic. I loved it.

Don't tell me, you feel ill? Well, if you're going to read this book, I suggest not eating for twenty-four hours. That way, you'll only dry heave. If you think you can survive the story and the characters, I guarantee you won't be able to get rid of the nauseating atmosphere. The stench of rot and grease will accompany you throughout the day.

Donihe and Mellick, known for their nihilistic style of writing, combined turn out a story that shows their rebellious ways and anarchistic thinking. The two styles are interchangeable and flawless. There is no break in the book where you can honestly say, "Oh, this is Donihe" or "This is definitely Mellick". Who knew I'd love cerebral punk so much.

The cast is a round-up of extreme caricature-like reproductions of characters from juvenile books; you know, except for the fact that they are all crazy and demented. The misogynists of society, these players are insane, criminal, and disgusting. This, of course, makes them hilarious - much like watching people fall. Devoid of any and all history, their level of crazy is what makes them memorable. After you read it, you won't remember the names. You'll remember that one character saved pirate's stools -painted it gold- and then either saved it or ate it.

"Ocean of Lard" is a parody of the Choose Your Own Adventure/Destiny books we read when we were young. Over the top writers Carlton Mellick and Kevin Donihe team up to provide various different trails you can take to various different endings.

A man on the run from the cops finds a secret ocean of lard and has to join up with pirates in order to get away. This book pulls out all of the stops... There are bugs and pickle/monkey things, zombies, cyborg dominatrix, and much more! "The Eye World" is Mellick's story. "The Rotten Sore" is Donihe's. Illustrated by Terrasa Ulm.

Mellick's style is in full force here, and he finds various new and original ideas to explore with every segment of the book. Donihe is also a very good writer. This is the first book by him I've read, but I will definitely keep an eye out for him in the future. If only this were the beginning of a continuing series...

You know, it's a cute gimmick and all, with the "Choose Your Own Adventure" tie-in, but the writing just wasn't very good. It's something a 13-year-old may enjoy...lots of maggots and poop and pus. Other than that, there wasn't much to redeem it. Kudos for originality, but I was hoping for just a bit more substance.

'Ocean Of Lard' is a rude parody of those old "build your own story" books. You're a child molester on the run from the cops, when you make your way to a strange place alongside an ocean filled with lard. As one of three original choices (board The Eye World ship, board The Rotten Sore ship, or stay in Pirate Town) branches off, you will find more and more choices along the way. (if you want to do This, turn to page XX, if you want to do That, turn to page XX) Personally, I enjoyed The Eye World the most.

Nothing is sacred to Mellick and Donihe, greasy lard, cyborgs, obscenely shaped islands, an ocean of fetuses, razor-barbed mermaids, walrus buggery, lots of blood, pickle-monkeys, man-eating logs, robotic bees, tentacles, zombies, and that is just the start of all the wacky, weird things waiting for you in 'Ocean Of Lard'.

This book makes Edward Lee look tame. You have to have a sick sense of humor, but if you do, you will be laughing your hinder off, just like I was. 'Ocean Of Lard' is perfect! Great fun when you want a break from serious horror, or just want to get grossed out. Enjoy! (but at your own risk...just don't eat any heavy or greasy food beforehand!)

a pitch-perfect homage to the Choose Your Own Adventure books, heay on sodomy, massacre, mayhem and other fruity flavors that Mellick and Co. bring to the table. fun bathroom reading.

I love the Bizarro genre and I also loved the Choose Your Own Adventure books when I was young, so my expectations for this book may have been too high. Disgusting things in books don't bother me, but that's ALL that this book is. Instead of "Mind-**** Fest," the subtitle should be "Gross-Out Fest." I also found the choices that the book offers pretty dull, like "If you choose to go South, turn to...." I was expecting bizarre choices like "If you choose to do the Chicken Dance, turn to page...." While the premise is creative and enticing I really didn't have as much fun with this one as I wanted to.