Customer Reviews

Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls

5 star:		(64)
4 star:		(33)
3 star:		(10)
2 star:		(7)
1 star:		(3)

 

 

This book is long over due! It has to be one of the most important books on female social behavior I've ever read.

Author Rachel Simmon's explains in graphic detail how boys tend to bully acquaintances or strangers but girls attack within tightly knit friendship networks, making aggression harder to identify and intensifying the damage to the victims so the impact can be felt well into adulthood.

Females fight with what is called "relational aggression": the silent treatment, exclusion, mean looks, rumor spreading, ganging up on a girl, manipulating relationships. In a girl's world, friendship is a weapon. A fist is weak when compared to the humiliation of a day of silence and rejection. There is no gesture more devastating than the back turning coldly away. Simmon offers advice on how to help young girls deal with this huge problem in our society.

My only real disappointment with this book is it assumes this vicious behavior stops when girls grow up and become women. This simply is not true. I know too many grown women who behave this way. My neighbor's behavior fits the definition of "relational aggression" to a `T' from the silent treatment and exclusion of her victims to the way she is overly concerned with her façade as a likable neighbor, wife, and mother. She is a wolf in lambs clothing. While the naïve decry school age girls as ruthless, I beg to differ, in adulthood, women are even worse, they are only more sophisticated at disguising their ruthless maneuvers.

The reviews already listed above on this book hit the nail right on the head. It is a very well written book. My 12 year old daughter and I have sat side by side and discussed it. She's enjoyed hearing about my own similar experiences as a little girl. I enjoyed openning her eyes to the hidden culture of the way girls tend to treat each other so that she would recognize it when she sees it directed to her.

The reason why I rated it 4 stars instead of 5 was because of my 1 disappointment. I wish the author had added a chapter about how to handle and come out a winner when you are the victim. It gives no advice on how to deflect the negative treatment, how to respond to it. How to basically shut the abusive treatment down so that the abuser can see that you know what she's doing and it's not going to work. I wish the author would come out with a second book on this topic.

I was never targeted in school, but both my sisters were. They've grown up to be covert bullies as a result. I guess they decided if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. I've worked in offices with GROWN WOMEN who are displaying this emotional adolescent social dynamic. It's very disturbing because as much as I'd like to enjoy the company of women, I feel deeply distrustful of them. I think this book did a fine job of presenting this subject, except the author could have gone more into the fact that some girls never grow up and persist with this cliquish nightmare well into their 30's and 40's. I think, since the woman's movement is still relatively young, this is a transitional stage and soon, like artists, even traditional conservative women will bravely face the challenge to grow up and behave like evolved human adults instead of mean little schoolyard bullies. I wish I'd had this book to read long ago-it explained so much that no one talks about because of how invisible and insidious this behavior is. It's the victim that gets called bitter, oversensitive, and crazy. I hope every woman reads this so they won't role model this method of venting their aggressions to another generation of girls.

Unlike so many books, which get published today, Rachel Simmons' `Odd Girl Out' is helpful and much needed. The subtle aggression of girls is so insidious and is often difficult to rid later in life.

The self-esteem of girls is often tied into what other people (peers) think of them. Their desire for approval and praise unfortunately turns into a weakness when other's words and actions target what they long for...ofen through gossip and silence.

The great thing about Simmons is that although she spends a fair amount of time identifying the issues and expounding the problem, she does not leave the reader without hope. Rather, she clearly presents solutions and exercises to heal and prevent further damage.

One thing, which would have been helpful, is if this book would have provided a means by which those who are at high-risk to be bullied can be identified, as well as those who are at high-risk to bully. This would go a long ways in prevention, as well as getting to the heart of the matter instead of dealing with symptoms and results. For instance, what are the common threads found in those who bully, and what motivates them? Simmons touches on this, but I wish she had dealt with it in more detail.

The home seems to be so key here. Providing a place where hatred, meanness, destructive words, and aggression is not tolerated would go a long ways in creating schools and common places which are free from these acidic behaviors. Unfortunately this is not often the case, but rather many of these behaviors are learned in the home and then brought into social settings to be used as weapons.

I got this book at my mom's suggestion, because I was going through my own situation a couple of years ago with 2 other girls. (I'm now 15) This book could not have been truer. It's true that girl's aggression is hidden, because it's not as easy to see as a guy beating up another kid. Rachel Simmons has come up with a book that truly explains what goes on, and uses plenty of examples. It is true that both physical and relational aggression is something that needs to be dealt with, even though we can't stamp it out completely. But it's also very true about society telling girls that we can't get into physical fighting, that we must be nurturing and caring, and perfect. And every single aspect of that is a contradiction unto itself. One of the things society tells us girls, is that we must not be afraid to speak our minds, be ourselves, and express opinions. But yet if we speak too strongly of what we think, we are rejected and sometimes tortured. This is a reality of girls' aggression. I'm a freshman in high school, and I've been seeing it since I was 10...atleast. At the very least. Guys beat each other up, and girls destroy other girls in secret. It's done carefully so that no adult can pick up on it. I am very much against what people say, when they believe that this is just something that girls need to go through, or that these are life lessons that just have to be learned. Any person wouldn't say that about guy's aggression, so don't say it about girls'. The rumor spreading, alliance building, silent treatment, whatever you want to call it, truly is something that girls do, and it's next to impossible to find a guy doing the same. I had no trouble whatsoever understanding this book, and if you have or are going through an experience like this, you shouldn't have trouble either. Everyone woman and girl can find a part of a story, or something Miss Simmons simply talks about, to relate to. I think this book is wonderful, and it certainly helped me with my own experience. I also love the fact that Miss Simmons included women's and girls' stories, because it really helps to show that no one is alone in this. I'm aware that she has come out with a second book about girls' aggression, but hope she comes out with more, going about it in the same way as Odd Girl Out, in other parts of the country. This is truly the book we've been waiting for on the aggression of girls.

I found this book to be incredibly interesting and informative.

I have often wondered why women seem to dislike each other so much. Many a female friend has told me "I just don't like women...all my friends are guys".

This book explains the various ways in which girls (the book focuses on teens) use relationships for manipulation and even punishment. The strive to be popular and conform to society's 'good girl' ideal often drive girls to more subtle and covert forms of bullying.

I agree with the author that acts of aggression beyond physical assault must be dealt with at some level. Especially after reading about how grown women still remembered losing friends or being outcast in highschool, years after the fact. I think it is highly important that teachers, parents, and peers work with and for young women. Relationships are not always easy ,for anyone, and at a time when they can make or break you, it is certainly worth taking a deeper look into the dynamics of girls relationships with other girls.

This is a highly useful and informative book for anyone.

I had a very visceral response to this book. It took me back to a very painful time of life and a very confusing social dynamic. Sure, not every model of adolescent alienation is represented here - how could they be? But I saw myself in some of these stories. The most disturbing moment came upon realizing how many of these behaviors and coping mechanisms i have kept with me far into adulthood. The author does a great job of putting us as flies on the wall to get a sense of the motivation behind these behaviors and, and of how easy it is in adolescence (and the rest of life) to let the outer world distort your inner self. Conflict, and relationships for that matter, are not easy at any age, but this book really illuminates the emotional struggles of young women, and tries to offer some solutions.

Like so many other parents of teenage girls, I'm desperate for any information that will help me help her. While I found this book's descriptions of their world generally fairly accurate, it didn't provide the kind of nuance I'd hoped for or more importantly the practical guidance to help me help. On the other hand, I also read this other book, Queen Bees and Wannabes, which covers some similar terrain but with an emphasis on the practical, and I've already applied some of what I learned in that book to meaningful effect. I'm going to go back and reread Queen Bees and mark it up (and make my husband read it!), and expect it to be of even greater help down the road. So in the end if you're considering these two books, I'd suggest you go with Queen Bees and Wannabes.

Even as a woman in my late 20's I continue to see this type of behavior among my peers. Particularly in the work context, I have observed: exclusion, silence and denials of alternative aggression. Afterall, the workplace is the adult equivalent to the social environment in schools and rules of courtesy and professionalism often prevents or discourages direct confrontation. I recommend this book to everyone whether they are a parent, a spouse, a co-worker, or a friend to any girl or woman. The devastating effects of betrayal by a close friend has impact on adults as well as children. I agree with other reviewers that Simmons could have gone deeper in her analysis of the cases, but the framework she has set forth is well thought out and groundbreaking.

My perspective is shaped by being a male middle school teacher. I think Simmons gets two-thirds of the job done. She does an excellent job of explaining how devastating girls' aggression can be, and she does an excellent job of explaining the dynamics. But she has very little to say about how to address this problem.

She tells parents to tell teachers about what is going on, and to make sure those teachers take these problems seriously. Fair enough. But that's about it.

Intervening in these sorts of problems is tricky, especially since the offending girls often try to manipulate the teacher while they are mistreating a girl. (I'm not excusing not trying.) But a teacher who missteps can exacerbate the problem. In my experience, an individual teacher's relationship with the girls, both offenders and victims, is the single biggest factor in determining how effective that teacher can be in intervening. Sad to say, none of this is discussed.

Simmons has disgnosed the disease, and explained it's pathology, but offers no cure. It's an important first step.