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THE ATROCITIES I’VE SEEN
I mean, seriously, sometimes I’m surprised I haven’t already gouged out my own eyes. Truth be told, I did come pretty damn close once. I was in Pittsburgh, at the airport, or maybe it was Cincinnati. Doesn’t matter, really. There I was, just minding my own business, reading the newspaper and waiting for my flight to board, when a couple of women approached me.
“Are you Clinton?” one of them asked.
This question always kind of bugs me. You know it’s me. Just say hello and go back to your quadruple mocha latte. “Yep,” I replied, and looked up to see two of the most horrific outfits imaginable. Both women—both—were wearing horizontal-striped turtlenecks tucked into high-waisted Mom Jeans with white cross-trainers.
“We love your show!” said one.
“We watch it all the time!” declared the other.
I smiled and said thank you, because I’m a gentleman. But inside my little head, I screamed to the heavens with all my might: Why, God! Why do you hate me so much!
Maybe I get a tad exasperated from time to time, but certainly you can understand why. I’ve spent the good part of a decade explaining, with as much patience as I could muster, why you shouldn’t pair socks with sandals, why you might want to avoid tube tops after the age of forty, why elastic-waist pants are evil incarnate. But, evidently, not everyone is listening.
Still, I continue on with my mission to make America a more beautiful place. I’m like that Native American dude from the commercial who cries when he sees people litter. Except, I’m not crying. It’s more like I’m laughing at you. In fact, he’s laughing at you too. We’re having gin and tonics right now, and I was just telling him that your outfit was revolting. And you know what he said?
And how! Couldn’t you just die? I almost peed my pants a little.
© 2010 Clinton Kelly
Some funny moments in between some very good style advice. Some readers seemed to have been offended by this information, perhaps they saw their style flaws somewhere in the book. Read morePublished 27 days ago by Tikasmom
A good list of things not to do, and how to dress appropriately for any situation. i love Clinton's sense of humor, and the illustrations and images were excellent.Published 1 month ago by Meredith
very funny and entertainingly solid advice. I look for trouser pants that go straight from the widest part of
my hips.. It does make for a classier me! Read more
If you enjoy insulting humor this book is full of it as well as information that should be common sense. Read morePublished 1 month ago by rws
I was a little shocked at all the negative reviews here. This book was hilarious - really laugh out loud funny, while making great points with clear photos about common sartorial... Read morePublished 3 months ago by Little Mom
I would return this book in a heartbeat if I still had the receipt. Really disappointed thought there would be more advicePublished 5 months ago by Cynthia J. Stevens
Clinton Kelly does a marvelous job of offering great tips on how to look fantastic with humor. He explains the whys behind what to, and what not to, wear and he does it while... Read morePublished 5 months ago by Roxanne Yannul
Kelly is thorough when explaining the do-s and don't of getting dressed, how to look, what doesn't look good and why, what looks great and why, and very general info for every... Read morePublished 5 months ago by Lirezz
The book cracked me up! I seriously laughed out loud and could not put it down. Clinton Kelly really knows his stuff about fashion- and is so very entertaining in the process! Read morePublished 6 months ago by SHANON L. EDWARDS