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THE ATROCITIES I’VE SEEN
I mean, seriously, sometimes I’m surprised I haven’t already gouged out my own eyes. Truth be told, I did come pretty damn close once. I was in Pittsburgh, at the airport, or maybe it was Cincinnati. Doesn’t matter, really. There I was, just minding my own business, reading the newspaper and waiting for my flight to board, when a couple of women approached me.
“Are you Clinton?” one of them asked.
This question always kind of bugs me. You know it’s me. Just say hello and go back to your quadruple mocha latte. “Yep,” I replied, and looked up to see two of the most horrific outfits imaginable. Both women—both—were wearing horizontal-striped turtlenecks tucked into high-waisted Mom Jeans with white cross-trainers.
“We love your show!” said one.
“We watch it all the time!” declared the other.
I smiled and said thank you, because I’m a gentleman. But inside my little head, I screamed to the heavens with all my might: Why, God! Why do you hate me so much!
Maybe I get a tad exasperated from time to time, but certainly you can understand why. I’ve spent the good part of a decade explaining, with as much patience as I could muster, why you shouldn’t pair socks with sandals, why you might want to avoid tube tops after the age of forty, why elastic-waist pants are evil incarnate. But, evidently, not everyone is listening.
Still, I continue on with my mission to make America a more beautiful place. I’m like that Native American dude from the commercial who cries when he sees people litter. Except, I’m not crying. It’s more like I’m laughing at you. In fact, he’s laughing at you too. We’re having gin and tonics right now, and I was just telling him that your outfit was revolting. And you know what he said?
And how! Couldn’t you just die? I almost peed my pants a little.
© 2010 Clinton Kelly
Every woman should read this book,it's so informative and I laughed so much reading it. Thanks Mr. Kelly you are wonderful!Published 2 days ago by jacqulyn bulthuis
Love Clinton Kelly and I love this book. He tells it like it is. Tells you what to wear and what women shouldn't wear.Published 21 days ago by marie perlmutter
Personally I like this kind of humor, and I'm not offended when competent person (I can say Highly competent person in this case) shows me my mistakes in some funny way, and... Read morePublished 1 month ago by Maya
This book is spot on and Clinton Kelly is awesome and so funny. I wish every American would read this book!Published 1 month ago by VictoriaS
So funny. If you're not fashionable, don't want to be fashionable and don't have thick skin or a sense of humor, this book is not for you. Read morePublished 1 month ago by Megan Cherry
Reading this book feels like you're talking to Clinton Kelly. It's truthful with just the right amount of snark. Clinton is like your best friend who only wants the best for you.Published 2 months ago by DKane
I read through this book in a day when I was traveling. It definitely kept me entertained, made me laugh, and taught me a few things to look out for since I've been wanting to... Read morePublished 2 months ago by k
LOVE LOVE LOVE Clinton Kelly!! His acerbic humor is laugh out loud funny!! BE forewarned if you have thin skin, you might not appreciate his sense of humor. Read morePublished 3 months ago by Theresa Nugent
It was funny and a quick read. My wife liked it and should I should read it also. I don't agree with all he had to say but overall he tried to make his point of being natural and... Read morePublished 3 months ago by Tommy B. Roberts