Customer Reviews

I'm Okay, You're a Brat!: Setting the Priorities Straight and Freeing You From the Guilt and Mad Myths of Parenthood

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1 star:		(12)

 

 

This book is controversial and will strike at the emotions of most who read it. It seems most things to do with parenting fall into this category! I felt its main attempt was to bring parents together in a "lets not lay blame or guilt, lets tell the truth about kids and parenting and try and help one another". As a mother, I mourn my freedom, my privacy and my hard-earned dollars. But I mostly regret that everyone told me how amazingly fulfilling and fun mothering is. For years I wondered what was wrong with ME if everyone else enjoyed this unique experience 24/7! I asked my partner how he would feel if he had to be at work 24/7, no pay, no holidays, loads of guilt, no pats on the back and constantly dealing with people who argue, make a mess and have no respect for privacy. His answer: "I'd quit". My answer: "I can't". For anyone considering this 'job', read the book and don't say I didn't tell you!!

Thank you Dr.Jeffers for this book. I have been childfree (not childless) but I constantly get asked "When are you going to have children". My husband and I just haven't felt the desire strong enough to actually intentionally have children. But, since I am the woman, I am the one burden with the questions, mostly by mothers wondering when I will be joining their "elite" society of motherhood. And why would I not want to join their wonderful world of no sleep, changing diapers, breastfeeding, and never again have a moment to myself to enjoy my life, let alone pee? I am not ready to make those sacrifices and I may never be. According to Dr. Jeffers, that's okay. Some people are just not cut out to be parents and the reasons to have kids aren't any better than the reasons not to. It is your decision because your the one who has to make the sacrifices, not your parents or anyone else. This book reaffirmed that I am not ready and I am entitled to make my own decision.

Additional note: For those who think someone else's reproductive agenda is your business, you are incorrect. It is very rude to ask the wife or the husband when they plan to have children. It is none of your business and they would appreciate you not inquiring.

For those of us who have struggled and felt incredible guilt for our negative feelings about parenthood, at last, we realize that we are not alone, nor are we bad, we are just human. Yes, this book tells the downside about parenting. As Dr. Jeffers states at the beginning of the book, that was its purpose. There is already too much out there telling us that becoming a parent is the most "fulfilling" thing we can do in life. For some of us, this is true. But for some of us, this simply is not true.

The author describes what changes occur in your life once a child is born. She is absolutely right on that score. And for some of us, it isn't a pretty sight. For would-be parents, this is a God-send, and for those of us already in the fray it is reassuring to know that we aren't crazy for wondering where our adult life went.

What I was most impressed with was her talking about the "mad myths of parenthood" and the guilt-gurus who do their best to make us feel guilty. It all makes so much sense. By the way, this book should definitely be read by men as the author points out how sexist the world is when it comes to men and their children. It also reaffirms how important men are to the lives of their children.

I closed the book realizing how much we are brainwashed about the ideas of parenthood and how important it is to think for ourselves. I also came away feeling that my children have their own course, their own calling, and that, while it was important for me to do my best to give them loving care (whatever that means for each of us), I must let go of the outcome. There are so many factors that affect them body, mind and soul. We all have to learn what those factors are and get involved in helping society move toward a more loving place.

For anyone out there thinking about having a child or wanting to remain childfree, this book is a must. For those of us who already have children, it is a ray of hope and a source of peace of mind.

Tired of people telling you how to be a perfect parent, and that our children's behavior is directly linked to our abilities as a parent? Then this book is for you! Susan Jeffers tells it like it is- that you can fiercely love your children, but hate certain aspects of raising them. That our wonderful, adorable kids can also be bratty and cruel, and it's not our fault. As a mother of many kids, who wouldn't have it any other way, I found BRAT to be a funny, engaging, amazingly honest, positive reflection of who we are as parents, and who our children are as people. Finally, a book which reaffirms our responsibilty to ourselves to parent (or not) with dignity and self-respect, and to let go of the guilt which so easily attaches to our every parental decision. Whether you are already a parent, want to be a parent, are not sure whether or not to become a parent, or simply don't want to be a parent, there is something in this book for everyone. Definitely worthwhile reading!

My husband and I found this to be a valuable book, affirming what we already believe about parenting: Our children are important to our lives, but they are not the supreme center of our lives. Anyone who does not already hold that point of view would probably dislike this book.

I don't agree with everything Jeffers says. And it is not important that I do. Jeffers says in the beginning: Take what you can use and discard the rest.

One of the important themes of I'm Okay is that our society is full of guilt-peddlers, who will tell you exactly how your child should be raised and mostly point out to you everything you're doing wrong. "How can you leave your child with the grandparents overnight so that you and your husband can get away? Won't you miss her? I could never do that!" The guilt-peddlers tell us whether or not we should sleep with our child, whether or not we should breast feed, whether or not we should work, what kinds of food we should give them... And since the "right thing" to do is constantly changing with our culture, Susan Jeffers suggests that we should treat those things as fads, and do what we, the parent, feel is best for our child and ourselves.

This is NOT a selfish point of view. Happy parents have a much better chance of raising happy, healthy children. Jeffers suggests that happy parents are those who: know that they cannot control everything and therefore can let go (like in The Serenity Prayer); set boundaries over which the children and guilt-peddlers cannot cross; have a balanced life pursuing hobbies and interests outside of their children. Jeffers suggests that parents (especially mothers) who make their children the center of existence, who do nothing for themselves or for their marital relationship, who believe what the guilt-peddlers tell them, are generally miserable and don't know why.

I don't believe that Jeffers is discouraging parenthood; she just believes that idealism can make it unbearable. You need to accept reality: that children can be brats and it's not your fault. (When a child has a temper tantrum in a store, there is no discipline technique in the world that will not be criticized by observers. So do what you think is right, and ignore everybody else.) You don't have to bring soda and cookies to Scouts; they don't need it! You are allowed to take the afternoon and read a book or go shopping; it's not selfish. You and your spouse should have a romantic evening out; what's good for you is ultimately good for the child -- and besides (and maybe more importantly) it's good for YOU.

The one thing that bothered me about the book was Susan Jeffer's proud assertion that she would not babysit for her grandkids. Since she makes it clear that "time away" for the parents is essential to parental mental health, it seems a real shame that she won't assist her own children to achieve this. (Not to mention the opportunity to have a relationship with the grandchildren.) Not everyone can afford a nanny, Susan!

A bit of background about me is that I am a "stay-at-home" mother of two children, aged three and one. I struggled with infertility for nearly nine years before (finally) successfully becoming pregnant and having my children. In a way, wanting them so badly and trying so hard has made it nearly impossible for me to admit how terribly difficult it can be. A voice inside seems to be constantly telling me, "Don't complain! You got what you wanted!"

I did get what I wanted, and more. If I had read Susan's book before having my kids, I would have really hated it. I wouldn't have believed most of it. I would have said to myself, "these are problems that other people face with their kids, but because I will do everything right, these issues won't affect me." And that would have been incredibly naive.

What has happened to me is that when I got my kids, I REALLY got my kids. It is me who takes care of them "24/7." It is unreleived by any job, or very much help from my spouse (although some). Our financial situation makes babysitting help a rare luxury and we are not in a tight community.

Now I know why I am going a little crazy, and also a few things to provide myself with some relief. This book helped me to see that although my children do need to have high quality care at all times, it does not need to be provided by me exclusively. Also, taking care of myself in terms of doing some things that are important to me will ultimately help my children more than my constant availability.

The section about the "guilt gurus" was also especially helpful. This is the part that made me want to give the book to everyone I know. Because society has drummed it into us that it is all up to the parents, especially the mother. But the fact is that the mothers and fathers need help and support in this job and we aren't getting it. But we might be able to if we see that we need it and start speaking up, instead of posing to the world that it's easy.

Well...I have more to say, but it sounds like the kids woke up!!!

I think this book should be required reading for high school sex education classes and for anyone who is *consciously* deciding whether to become a parent or not. Too many times this momentous, life-chaging decision is based on romanticized ideals of parenthood or on society's expectations (or even by accident!), and not enough time is spent in researching what it's *really* like. Far from being a parent-bashing book, it highlights the not-so-wonderful parts of the job and provides a much-needed balance to the soft-focused, Kodak moment images that are held up to us as the ideal. I've chosen not to have kids: this book details many of the reasons why I've made this very personal choice. And a possible side effect: you may feel an urge to call your own parents and thank them for putting up with you while you were growing up -- at least that's what I did!

This book reassures those who are silently despondent over childrearing that they're not alone in finding parenthood so very, very much more difficult and disappointing than our society allows us to admit. Jeffers is correct to point out the insidious dangers of the conspiracy of silence around this issue. Her views are sure to enrage some, but the raw truth of what she unearths is priceless, especially the quotes from parents who finally admit their ultimate frustrations. A societal dialogue (confession?) on this issue is badly needed right now, and this book is the perfect starting point for discussion.

Susan Jeffers wrote "I'm Okay, You're A Brat" when her own grown children and stepchildren got married and began to contemplate parenthood. Unlike most wannabe-grandmas, Jeffers wanted her kids to know how HARD, HARD, HARD it is raising children. Whether they are babies, pre-schoolers, big kids or (gasp) teenagers, the relationship is always give-and-take: Parents give and children take. Jeffers also spends a lot of time discussing how children can wreak havoc on a marriage.

In other books and media, so much discussion of parenthood and childhood is treated with kid gloves. This book gets down and dirty. I gave it to my sister just after her wedding, so if she and her husband decide to have kids, they will do it with their eyes open.

When I first heard about this book months ago, I was so excited that I ordered it from Amazon's UK site so I didn't have to wait for the US release. Boy, was it worth it! We had been struggling with the issue of having children and this book spoke honestly about the harsh realities of raising them. This aspect alone makes the book a must-have, as it is almost unheard-of for anyone to write the painful truth about actually being someone's parent. I can't recommend this book highly enough for everyone: parents, would-be parents and the childfree - no matter your status, you'll be glad you have it on your bookshelf!