Customer Reviews

One and the Same: My Life as an Identical Twin and What I've Learned About Everyone's Struggle to Be Singular

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Because most of us will never know what it's like to be a twin, twinship is often seen as fascinating, mysterious and magical. In this captivating book, Abigail Pogrebin blends a memoir of her life as an identical twin with interviews of other twins, along with scientific reporting of the twin phenomenon.

I expected this book to be interesting (and it fully met my expectations), but I couldn't foretell how often it would make my heart ache. Abigail doesn't hold back, courageously revealing the sometimes painful longing she has for more closeness with Robin, her twin, while also discussing the wonderful aspects of their relationship. Although it isn't surprising to learn the strength of emotional intensity in being an identical twin, some aspects of the relationship are a revelation. Abigail tells readers that she has a life partner in her sister, someone with whom she is compelled to share her deepest thoughts and whose opinions she treasures. But there's another side to the coin: Abigail takes on any emotional distress Robin shares with her and is devastated by any spat with her sister. She also is frank about her sorrow in a certain recent distancing in their relationship, one emanating from Robin.

Abigail's personal story weaves between the tales of other twins, as well as interviews with experts on twin relationships. She begins with a meander through a town named for twins: Twinsburg, Ohio. Twinsburg celebrates twins with an annual Twins Day, which began in 1976. Today, thousands of pairs of twins from all over the world attend the event. Abigail, who visited it in 2006, was a bit embarrassed by the sight of many grown twins dressed identically, but she also felt off kilter without Robin. During her visit, Abigail met many fascinating twin couples, including the well-known Ganz twins, who call themselves the "ambassadors of twins." Debbie and Lisa Ganz not only opened a twins talent agency, but they also own the New York City Twins Restaurant, staffed with twin waiters. Abigail marvels that the Ganz sisters have celebrated and elevated their relationship, while other twins she meets at Twins Day have been frank about their romantic and social woes, which some blame on their strong connections with their siblings.

Experts, including psychologists and psychotherapists, contribute their theories about twin relationship pitfalls. Some believe that having a twin --- essentially a built-in best friend --- may delay social development. Feeling complete because of a twin relationship, some theorize, might also hinder a search for romance. In addition, it seems that some romantic partners of twins may feel especially challenged by the twin connection.

One set of twins Abigail interviews is football players Tiki Barber and Ronde Barber. The Barbers discuss their respective strengths and weaknesses. To Abigail, they seem to have the perfect twin relationship with achievements they've attained by helping each other thrive, a solid closeness and separate successful family lives. However, when other twins are interviewed, it is obvious that many have issues with separating from their twins. These problems can sometimes even result in estrangement.

As Abigail continues to research, she attends a twin parenting class, which seeks to instruct couples expecting multiple births. In their turn, mothers and fathers of twins have their say about the experience of parenting two tiny babies, an often overwhelming endeavor, complicated by the higher rate of prematurity. Experts also weigh in on the consequences and responsibilities of fertility specialists in regards to multiple births.

The subtitle of ONE AND THE SAME --- "My Life as an Identical Twin and What I've Learned About Everyone's Struggle to Be Singular" --- expresses the theme of the book, a combined honoring of this most intimate bond along with the yearning to be an original person. From stories of heroism told by twin survivors of Auschwitz through a heartbreaking tale of shared DNA resulting in tragedy, this fascinating read is as much of a page-turner as the most exciting thriller.

--- Reviewed by Terry Miller Shannon

People called me, in lieu of my "real name", "hey twin". Everyone assumed my twin and I (who are identical) were one and the same.

My mother's mother and her fraternal twin sister looked different enough that this didn't happen.

I am sure my sons won't suffer the same fate as I did. At least, I pray they won't. They are fraternals. But still and all, this book was and is amazing. It is a MUST read for every mother and father parenting twins out there. It encapulates the twin experience.

Since Abigail is a twin, she knows wherein she speaks. It takes a twin to be able to articulate the multiple/HOM experience and NO book out there about parenting twins (unless you happen to be a twin, parenting twins) and the unique identity and how careful you must be... is as succinct and helpful as this book.

I'm not a twin, but I've always been fascinated by the twin relationship, especially that of identical twins. This account is riveting, especially the sections where the author writes about her own relationship with her identical twin sister. Many aspects of twinship are explored -- how the genetics plays out, effect of fertility technology on twins, separation, competition -- all fascinating.

I read the book in two sittings.

ONE AND THE SAME; MY LIFE AS AN IDENTICAL TWIN AND WHAT I'VE LEARNED ABOUT EVERYONE'S STRUGGLE TO BE SINGULAR is both an autobiography and a survey of the latest research on twins around the world. The author spoke to nearly every twin expert in the world for this book, offering a narrative packed with expert insights as well as interviews with twins with stories of their own search for singularity. General lending libraries will find this a compelling read.

As a grown identical twin I was so excited when I found this book! As we've gotten older, my twin sister and I have noticed that we are becoming more and more different. I think this has been somewhat more challenging for me than for her and I was hoping "One and the Same" would have stories that I could identify with. I loved all of the interviews she did with twins, especially when it was a set of twins being interviewed together. I know the feeling of sharing sentences, and even sharing memories!

I admired the authors extensive research into all sorts of twin related things-- science, art, pregnancy, IVF, even death-- but sometimes I wanted more stories! Rather than hearing about the ethical issues of IVF and the boom of twins that this has caused, I wanted to hear more stories from twins themselves or even parents of twins.

I did enjoy hearing about the full range of twins. While there are many shared traits, such as the undeniable intimacy, many sets had their own unique story: one is gay, one is needy, they grew up extremely shy, they grew up extremely confident. The book looks at the very romantic aspects of being a twin and also the darker, more challenging parts.

All in all, I definitely enjoyed reading this book, I was just not in it for the science. I am glad that there is a book out there like this, since I haven't been able to find anything else comparable. It makes me want to tell the story of my twinship and share it with others!

I received the book last Tuesday and have read the entire thing in less than a week. That's saying something for a busy mom of two toddlers! I was fascinated, intrigued, a bit saddened and quite relieved as I read it. While her writing comes from the bent of identical twins, as a mom of fraternal boys, I could relate in so many ways. While DNA certainly plays a role with identicals, I really think a lot of the complexities of twinship are based on sheer history. Many of the same attachment type issues, joys and struggles, stem from the close connection that begins even before twins enter the world.

This book is so much more than Abigail's story. It is a compilation of, and a celebration of, twinship in general. There are stories of twin relationships that are admirable and give me an example of what I would love to see from my boys in the future, as well as stories of confusion, misunderstanding, and overall deep struggle in being one of a pair. It's the constant conflict of wanting to be treated the same, but wanting to be different. Not wanting to be the one left out, left behind or shadowed while wanting to be special, unique, and individual. In essence, not to "be one of many; but to be the one."

As I read the chapter on parenting twins (rightfully titled Twin Shock 101), I felt like I highlighted the entire thing! There is so much good, realistic information in this book for anyone expecting or in the early stages of raising twins. It is very honest about the overwhelming difficulty and the emotional turmoil that revolves around being a parent so split between the needs and demands of two little ones. Lines like "Your first year will be an absolute blur," "And then, all of a sudden there's no control" and "only mother's of twins know what it's really like" made me smile and feel better about that first year. Seems I'm not the only one who hardly made it out of the house and who struggled with being envious of people with single babies.

As I continued through the book, I couldn't help but envision my boys along the paths of their lives. It put some new things in perspective for me about their feelings, their unique relationship and what will be the struggle of having to separate from the one whom they have been connected to even months before I held them. As a parent, I always look at them and think how fun it would be to be a twin, but the fun doesn't come without it's issues. The level of companionship that they have is something I will never be able to fully grasp. I pray that as they grow, my husband and I can help them navigate the road ahead with an appreciation for that bond, but also a strong sense of self. Some of that starts now and some of it is out of our control, but regardless, this book and the experiences within its pages have given me a new lens to see a little of what lies ahead for my twosome.

Overall, this book simply presents an honest, genuine insight into the life of twins. It highlights both the positives as well as the difficulties in a beautiful balance. If you have twins (identical or fraternal), are expecting twins, are related to twins, are dating or married to a twin, even if you are a twin yourself or someone just interested in twins, I wholeheartedly believe this book would be worth a read.

This feels like such an important book in its attempt to answer fundamental questions about what makes a person who he or she is. While it includes the requisite freaky-twin stories that captivate us all, its truly intriguing elements are the multi-layered explorations of the meaning of being born essentially married.

While parents of twins will be riveted to this book, I really hope it breaks into the singleton-reader world, as its essential discussion is not about twins per se, but about what twins teach us about being human. That should interest any reader--twin or not.

Meghan Regan-Loomis
author, Juggling Twins
Juggling Twins: The Best Tips, Tricks, and Strategies from Pregnancy to the Toddler Years

I was particularly drawn by the sub title, "everyone's struggle to be singular". The author did some very interesting interviews, across a range of ages. I found her method of interviewing very interesting and informative. I was disappointed to not have more edification on parenting styles. We are strongly influenced by the style in which we are raised. My twin and I were our mother's prize. The more alike we were the happier she was. We were dressed alike always, she called us "Twin" and we called each other "Sister". Given that there were indeed two separate individuals in that twinship, how was one to differentiate? We were not allowed to compete or to fight. I simply let her do the talking, the decision making, and the thinking. It wasn't until I was 37 and went into therapy that I found my feelings, my own ideas, and finally my individuality. I "broke" the twinship in my quest for myself, hurting my sister deeply. Now in our seventh decade there is not the closeness that was expressed my most of the subjects in the book. Most important to me is that I am Myself, not half of a whole. People still get us confused, mistake us for the other. I, even at this age, try to look different from my twin, a seeming impossibility.

This book is a fascinating read written by one who has lived being an identical twin and has done a lot of travel and investigation and study and interviewing to come up with the true picture.

I am the mother of identical twins, and absolutely loved the first half of this book. She interviews a ton of twins and I think hearing about their experiences will inform how I parent (hopefully make me a better parent!) and I also hope that one day my girls can read this book and it will help them with their own identities and struggles as twins.

That said, about half-way through the book she has a chapter on how horribly difficult it is to parent twins. This chapter was very negative, really surprised me, and perpetuated stereotypes that are simply not true for everyone. I know that I am very lucky in my experience and many parents have it harder the first few months to a year. But she focuses only on parents who had particularly hard experiences and doesn't have anything positive to say about how much fun, how magical, how fabulous it can be to have twins. I loved the first year (except the sleep loss and returning to work!) and I just want to say to any expecting moms who are looking at this book, it doesn't have to be a nightmare!

She also talks a bit about twins establishing a rivalry in the first few months over who gets fed first. Most parents I know co-fed, either tandem nursing (like myself) or tandem bottle feeding. This was just another example of how the parenting conversations in the book fell flat. I think the fact that she was reaching outside her experience zone really shows, and (for me) it detracted from the book overall.

From there, the book also got fairly dark. She raises interesting issues - from a guy who lost his twin in 9/11 to twins who survived Auschwitz - but the book left me feeling pretty depressed, which I had not expected. The fact that her twin relationship is in a difficult place right now permeates the whole book and twin-ship come across as a negative experience.

Overall, I did enjoy the book; it was interesting and thought-provoking. I will share it with my family and with a friend who is dating a twin. I would not recommend this book to anyone who is expecting twins or whose twins are less than a year old. Once you are past that stage it is an interesting read.