Customer Reviews

The Only Girl in the Car: A Memoir

5 star:		(20)
4 star:		(9)
3 star:		(6)
2 star:		(5)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

As a sexual assault therapist, one of my teen clients once told me: "What gets you a slutty reputation is not what you do or how many times you do it," she replied, "but who you do it *with.*"

This, it seems to me, is a central message of Dobie's insightful memoir: When it comes to girls and sexuality, image is everything. What Dobie-a naïve 14-year-old from a "good" Catholic family-does not understand is that reputation is all-important and there are different rules for boys and girls. She thinks that she can be one of the boys, that she can be accepted into their wild and unruly democracy. She wants to live the life her father lives, "a large life filled with drama." She wants to act, while simultaneously being acted upon-both the subject and object of desire. Even though she recognizes that women's sexuality is viewed with equal parts attraction and revulsion, she holds to the belief that she can "reap the desire and dodge the loathing."

Dobie's book is about *a* sexual assault, yes, but it is about so much more than that. It is about being both insider and outsider; about the kindness and cruelty of peers; about the uniqueness of a young girl's desire; about being white and non-working-class; about "bad" boys and the contradictory expectations for men in American culture. It is about two years of one girl's life in a large family in a small town in the 1960's.

If the goal of good writing is, as Anne Lamott says, "to turn the unspeakable into words-not just into any words, but if we can, into rhythm and blues," then Dobie has done just that. Her language is lyrical and specific, laced with details that capture the mood and setting of each freshly-exposed experience.

The book does not aspire to the rough and randy humor of Mary Karr's "The Liar's Club," or the wry wittiness of Haven Kimmel's "A Girl Named Zippy" or the hardscrabble power of "Mama's Girl" by Veronica Chambers. In terms of subject matter, it is similar to Naomi Woolf's "Promiscuities," Deborah Kogan's "Shutterbabe," and Laurie Anderson's deftly-handled novel, "Speak."

This is a memoir not so much about the perils of sexuality and risk-taking as about learning the limitations of femaleness in a hyper-masculinized culture. Those who think it is all about trauma are missing the point. Dobie bears witness to the possibility of accommodating to life in a woman's body-acquainted with but uncontained by fear.

I was deeply moved by this book. I found the language poetic; the prose stunning. And, most importantly, I think, the author made me *feel* in a visceral way, what the protagonist was feeling. I was touched by the friendships - true friendships, that came from places that would (in the eyes of a society that sees things in black and white) seem implausable - yet there they were - glorious, for all of us to see. And I felt hurt for the utter betrayal suffered by a 15 year old girl. Naivete should never (but often does) lead to harm...and I felt for the "scrappy" 15 year old protagonist as she tried to find some kind of way to masculine affection. I think that Ms. Dobie has written an important book; I know many 15 year old girls who will feel empowered by her words; and I know many 51 year old women who will read her words and have them resonate inside them. But this isn't a woman's book; boys and men and intricately intertwined, and I pray that the title deosn't turn them off, for I know men who will read this book and see their daughters, their sisters - and themselves. Ms. Dobie has written truthfully; and at the same time leaves us with the message that the world is a big, bad and beautiful place. I highly recommend this book.

Kathy Dobie is a powerful yet simple writer. The prologue immediately pulls you in and touches each of your senses as well as your memory and empathy as the story develops.

It is fascinating to watch the old and young Kathy make the connections about how the past and present combine to who you are. If there is any one lack in this memoir is that once the "definitive moment" actually takes place I don't feel I completely understand how the protagonist really grew past it. We know what she does at 17 and where she is now but I found myself wanting to know what the 20 years in between were like. Now granted, that would have been a really long memoir!

This is a very well written memoir and I love the quote, "What narrative has this person fashioned to help him or her survive?" Kathy Dobie is speaking of those that she now writes about but it is about herself and all of us. We all create a story about ourselves but it is up to each of us to decide how true it really is.

This ia great read.

Dobie has a real gift for storytelling, and in this memoir of her childhood and teenage years she demonstrates just how enthralling she can be. Although the ostensible subject of "The Only Girl in the Car" is the author's sexuality during her teenage years, much of the book is devoted to a detailed recounting of her childhood, and this is perhaps the most interesting part of the book. The middle portion of the book recounts Dobie's sexual escapades as a teenager, culminating in the night she had sex with her boyfriend and his three friends in the backseat of his car. Afterwards, she must grapple with the negative reputation she's acquired, which she accomplishes by repackaging herself as a studious loner.

Much has been made of the scene of Dobie and her boyfriend's buddies (including the memoir's title), but it lacks the dramatic impact one would expect. It's apparent that on this night does she finally understands that she is neither respected nor loved by her boyfriend or his friends, and that she is reviled by much of her peer group. And it's certainly clear why she'd be upset at her boyfriend for coercing her into a degrading experience. But the emotional power of the scene is absent; Dobie's storytelling powers fail this most crucial test, and because the reader has been left out of the book's climactic scene, it's difficult to reinvest in the remainder of the book.

Still, there is a lot of value in the book. It's a demonstration of great strength on the part of its author. The book may seem lopsided in its lack of context; Dobie makes no effort to place her story in the larger feminist discourse. But it's still an important book, because it's important to her. It's one woman's story of how her life was, told in her own voice and on her own terms, and not only does she deserve applause for having written it, she also deserves a readership that appreciates her experience and the charm, resolve, and wit with which she recounts it.

Dobie's book can be split into two distinct parts, the first about her early girlhood in a crowded Catholic family of six, trying to form an identity for herself within her family. As an adolescent, Dobie relates more to boys than girls, and she makes some decisions that push her away from the girl cliques, yet she is never fully accepted by the boys. Dobie learns the hard way, the very hard way, that there are different standards for boys and girls, and this culminates in the life lesson of being "the only girl in the car" for a sexual assault.

The recovery portion of this memoir leaves the reader wondering about Dobie. She became chaste and stuck it out in high school until she could escape to the world of New York city and leave her past behind. I finished the book still wondering about her, as I think Dobie wondered about herself in the years to follow.

But only because of the subject matter. The book is well written, and obviously very well thought out. Her candor is unflinching, and I can only imagine how difficult this book must have been to write.

One thing that stood out to me about this book, is that Dobie didn't waste all of her pages with blame. I'm sure there is regret and quite a bit of pain associated with a childhood such as hers, but she just stated the facts. She told her story from beginning to end and drew you into her world.

I read this book with a sense of being an eavesdropper. I stood on the street in front of her house... I met her childhood friend.... I stood outside the car that night.... such is her writing. She describes her entire world with such vibrancy that you can't help feeling you're right there with her.

I was impressed by her honesty, and even more impressed with her unashamed depicition of such a difficult time in her life. Sexuality is a very difficult pill to swallow at that age - at any age for some people. She has definitely come through this as someone to be admired.

I have read so many memoirs in the past year. Never have I been so moved with Kathy Dobie's "The Only Girl in The Car." It is beautifully written, exquisite prose, and a deep look into a woman's psyche. It is also a book that contained humor, often bold, and at times, heart-wrenching. It spoke the truth of a tortured soul. I hope that through her story, Ms. Dobie at last found peace. Strongly recommended.

If I had a list of "memoirs that are as fascinating and well-written as the best fiction" Kathy Dobie's "The Only Girl in the Car" would be the only book on my list. It begins as a conventional coming-of-age memoir (although one with stunningly beautiful prose) and then entices and entraps the reader into a mesmerizing narrative with a dramatic shape reminiscent of the best-structured novels.

The book's sexuality is at once graphic and heartbreaking, a rare combination. Its depiction of high school society, especially the casual cruelty, is disturbingly accurate. It is a must for anyone, male or female, who has survived an American high school, and for anyone interested in a writer who creates a new genre of memoir with grace, beauty and frankness.

Kathy Dobie grew up in a large Catholic Family in a small town outside New Haven. While her family was close, as often happens, her teenage years brought feelings of alienation and isolation even among the inescapable brothers and sisters and committed parents. And all was not perfect for her. Kathy adored her mother, who often felt smothered by all of Kathy's attention and her childlike neediness. Ultimately Kathy needed more than her family, and her mother, could give.

Discovering the power of her budding pubescent sexuality was a real high for Kathy. She enjoyed flirting sexually with strangers, feeling their unmasked desire and shock at her youthful forwardness. On the highways of a cross country journey, tucked away in the back of the family trailer, Kathy would flash sexually provocative hand written signs to passing motorists and truckers. She was understanding the potency of her young sexuality.

Back at home, never realizing the dangerous situations that she often placed herself in, Kathy had sex frequently with strangers and aquaintances. It seems clear that she was looking for power and attention. She loved that boys and men wanted and desired her. She believed that because she let these boys have sex with her, she had power over them. It took awhile, and some very painful and horrible events, for the truth to dawn on her. She also came to realize that in searching for a connection, she had cut herself off from her own family and most of her schoolmates.

This book is beautifully written but is most stunning for its brutal honesty. She really lays herself bare. As we grow up and make mistakes (some of which still make me cringe) we often don't want to look back on those awkward times when we didn't know which end was up. She doesn't hold anything back - it is all revealed. Every blemish and every foolish choice. I applaud Kathy Dobie her trust in us, the readers, to understand and listen to her story without judgment.

Once I got into this book, I simply could not put it down. It was one of the most emotionally raw coming of age stories that I have come across. The book was well written enough for a guy like me to be able to understand where Dobie was operating from. This isn't a classic "feel sorry for what happened to me" story, Dobie is pretty clear about the mistakes that she made and how she dealt with them. I think what makes the story compelling is this is a story about how a young woman deals with the consquences of her actions.

To respectfully respond to reader from SC remarks, I do think it was a rape.