I Only Say This Because I Love You: How the Way We Talk Can Make or Break Family Relationships Throughout Our Lives [Hardcover]

Deborah Tannen (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: May 8, 2001

Why does talk in families so often go in circles, leaving us tied up in knots? In this illuminating book, Deborah Tannen, the linguist and and bestselling author of You Just Don't Understand and many other books, reveals why talking to family members is so often painful and problematic even when we're all adults. Searching for signs of acceptance and belonging, we find signs of disapproval and rejection. Why do the seeds of family love so often yield a harvest of criticism and judgment? In I Only Say This Because I Love You, Tannen shows how important it is, in family talk, to learn to separate word meanings, or messages, from heart meanings, or metamessages — unstated but powerful meanings that come from the history of our relationships and the way things are said. Presenting real conversations from people's lives, Tannen reveals what is actually going on in family talk, including how family conversations must balance the longing for connection with the desire for control, as we struggle to be close without giving up our freedom.

This eye-opening book explains why grown women so often feel criticized by their mothers; and why mothers feel they can't open their mouths around their grown daughters; why growing up male or female, or as an older or younger sibling, results in different experiences of family that persist throughout our lives; and much, much more. By helping us to understand and redefine family talk, Tannen provides the tools to improve relationships with family members of every age.

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

"Everything we say to each other echoes with meanings left over from our past experience--both our history talking to the person before us at this moment and our history talking to others," says Deborah Tannen, one of the world's most famous linguists. We react not only to the message, but to the "metamessage": our interpretation of the unstated meaning, based on tone, relationship, and our past associations. Add in the connections and control issues among family members, and it's no wonder families have so much trouble understanding each other!

I Only Say This Because I Love You is aimed mostly at adult family interactions. Professor Deborah Tannen, the popular author of You Just Don't Understand, uses anecdotes filled with dialogues to illustrate why we hear criticism when the other person meant to convey caring, how family members create alignments with secrets and broken confidences, the dynamics of arguments, the power of apologies, gender patterns in family talk, and communication with teens. You're bound to recognize your family members--and yourself!--in Tannen's examples.

You won't find quick, easy answers for improving communication in your family, but you will discover another dimension of understanding what's really going on. Now if you could just get your mother to read the book! --Joan Price

From Publishers Weekly

Tannen's You Just Don't Understand set tongues wagging across the country in the early 1990s with its analysis of gender differences in speaking styles. Now the linguist and author of numerous other books turns her attention to patterns of speech within families. Though the subject is not as sexy as in her mega-bestseller, most readers are apt to hear themselves in these pages. For example, Tannen asserts, in many situations the mother serves as "Communications Chief" as well as chief critic. Drawing on sample conversations from an ongoing study at Georgetown University, from memoirs and from TV documentaries (including An American Family, which examined the Loud family of Santa Barbara in 1973 and reveals how little family interactions have changed in the past 30 years), she convincingly shows how threads of family history and emotion add weight and complexity to everyday exchanges. Each conversation, she argues, carries meaning both in its actual words and in the underlying relationship and attitudes it expresses (e.g., "I didn't criticize you. I just asked a question"). She also shows how speakers may use language for connection and control, influencing shifts in family alignment. Like its predecessor, this book is neither scholarly nor overtly self-help-oriented. Its advice is embedded in its examples, though occasionally Tannen offers explicit guidelines, such as rules for fair fighting: stick to the facts; avoid insults, sarcasm and exaggeration. Parents of teenagers may also find some good insights in Tannen's clear-sighted analysis of how clashing frames of reference undermine communication. Agent, Suzanne Gluck; first serial to Good Housekeeping and Modern Maturity. (May 10)Forecast: Tannen's 13-city author tour (including a May 14 appearance on the Today Show) will help ensure this book's visibility, but it's more likely to match the respectable (but not stellar) numbers for Talking 9 to 5, her book on workplace speaking styles, than those for You Just Don't Understand.

Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc.

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 368 pages
• Publisher: Random House; 1 edition (May 8, 2001)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0679456015
• ISBN-13: 978-0679456018
• Product Dimensions: 10 x 5.9 x 1.3 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.5 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 4.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (8 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #843,277 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Deborah Tannen is the acclaimed author of You Just Don't Understand, which was on the New York Times bestseller list for nearly four years including eight months as #1; the ten-week New York Times bestseller You're Wearing THAT?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation; I Only Say This Because I Love You: Talking to Your Parents, Partner, Sibs and Kids When You're All Adults, which won the Books for a Better Life Award; Talking from 9 to 5: Women and Men at Work; That's Not What I Meant!; and many other books. A professor of linguistics at Georgetown University, she has written for and been featured in newspapers and magazines such as The New York Times, The Washington Post, USA Today, Time, and Newsweek. She appears frequently on TV and radio, including such shows as 20/20, The Oprah Winfrey Show, The Colbert Report, Nightline, Today, Good Morning America, and NPR's Morning Edition and All Things Considered. She is university professor and professor of linguistics at Georgetown University, and has been McGraw Distinguished Lecturer at Princeton University. She lives with her husband in the Washington, D.C., area.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

78 of 80 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars cOMMUNICATION - THE KEY TO POSITIVE RELATIONSHIPS, May 10, 2001

By 

Sandra D. Peters "Seagull Books" (Prince Edward Island, Canada) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: I Only Say This Because I Love You: How the Way We Talk Can Make or Break Family Relationships Throughout Our Lives (Hardcover)

From my studies in psychology and in my role as a counsellor, numerous people tell me, "My wife/husband/partner does not understand me," or "My children will not listen." More often than not, it is the wrong interpretation of your verbal and non-verbal message that is the root of the problem and not the ability to understand or listen. It is not always what you say that is causing the problem but often it is a matter of how you say it. What does your facial expression and body language imply as the words are spoken? Are you expressing yourself in a respectful manner? Before you respond, do you choose your words carefully? Have you taken the time not only to listen but to actually hear and try to understand the feelings of the speaker from their point of view? Everyone has an opinion. You do not necessarily have to agree with it, but you should respect their feelings even if you do not share their point of view.

In this book, Deborah Tanner, reveals part of the communication problem and ways to improve your skills. From a psychological point of you, our needs change through the ageing process. As children, we are raised in a submissive nature; our parent(s) pass on many of their strengths and weaknesses, much of which is adopted from THEIR parent(s). We, as adults, take what we have learned from our upbringing and often hear ourselves, through our dominant parental role, repeating what our parents have said to us, even though as children we said to ourselves, "When I grow up, I am never going to say that to my children!" Some negative behaviours teach us valuable lessons and, if we are wise, we learn from hurt and rejection not to pass those negative inherited traits on to our children. However, not all negative behaviours escape us, just as not all positive attitudes and responses escape us. Children often become what they learn, and we all learn criticism very early in life from family, schoolmates, teachers and even friends. How we communicate with our children and spouses/partners, and how we communicate in our social and business life, is generally a result of the conditioned communication skills we have learned in early years. We are products of our childhood; what is experienced in the first six years of our life has a tremendous impact on the person we will become as an adult. Of all the books written on communication skills, "I Only Say This Because I Love You" is one of the most highly recommended. You will be amazed at what you can learn, what you can share, and the positive improvement that knowledge can make to your personal relationships.

61 of 63 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Improving the Ways You Listen and Speak in Your Family!, May 8, 2001

By 

Donald Mitchell "Jesus Loves You!" (Thanks for Providing My Reviews over 109,000 Helpful Votes Globally) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: I Only Say This Because I Love You: How the Way We Talk Can Make or Break Family Relationships Throughout Our Lives (Hardcover)

This book deserves more than five stars for its original, powerful ideas and suggestions for how to have closer, happier relationships in your family. This book is Relationship Rescue for the family!

"Why does talk in the family so frequently go in circles, leaving us tied up in knots?" "When we talk to family members, we search for signs of love but become attuned to signs of disapproval." Our reaction is to "the meaning of the words spoken -- the message -- but also to what we think those words say about the relationship -- the metamessage." So each message needs to be analyzed for message and metamessage in terms of both connection (on a continuum from closeness to distance) and control (on a continium from superior-inferior to equality).

In this outstanding book, conversational analyst Deborah Tannen captures the verbal and mental essences of how to improve our family relationships. The book deals with those situations where the message is either positive or negative, and the overall impression (metamessage) is critical. These range from being praised for some menial accomplishment (with the implication that you are a loyal slave with little talent) to "I care, therefore I criticize" (usually from Mom) to sarcasm (usually from a spouse or teenager, suggesting you must be an idiot). The book looks at relationships with spouses, parents and children (from both directions), siblings, in-laws, and extends the consideration to the full dimensions of one's lifetime.

Perceptions change as we age, and adjustments are needed. A parent starts out as dominant, then the child wants equality (and no criticism), and eventually the child often becomes like a parent to parent who is in mental and physical decline.

The book addresses how to improve both your speech and your listening. On the listening side, you are encouraged to focus on the metamessage and to find the most positive one. Where you could hear criticism, focus on the fact that the other person is expressing caring. Then address the unfortunate metamessage. Say something like, "Why are you criticizing my driving?" There is usually another motive at work. Get it out in the open. The ventilation will improve the relationship. Usually, the motives have almost nothing to do with the literal message. On the speaking side, you are encouraged to avoid sarcasm, getting the other person to think exactly like you do (especially if they are a different sex and much older or younger), and sending derogatory metamessages (the worst is "you are incompetent").

All of the text is drawn from recorded conversations, many from television series of families that you may have seen. I think this book will be most beneficial if it is shared with the other members of your family. In discussing it, you can agree on some better rules for conversational behavior.

After you have finished enjoying this set of methods for avoiding and mitigating those painful moments, I suggest that you think about where you do the same things at work and with friends. Then, change your speaking and listening there as well!

Make your caring the most important message you send!

22 of 23 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars If A "Pre-Marriage" Class existed, this would be required!, June 13, 2001

By 

K. Corn "reviewer" (midwest, United States) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: I Only Say This Because I Love You: How the Way We Talk Can Make or Break Family Relationships Throughout Our Lives (Hardcover)

I wish everyone had a chance to read this book before getting married or involved in a relationship of any kind with another person. It is the one book that really provides useful and thought-provoking information on how to talk to the people we love, instead of the often harmful ways we do talk to them. Tannen shows that it is posisble to change destructive communication into constructive, even helpful, communication. Well worth every penny you spend on this one!