Customer Reviews

Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage

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The Bookslut review nails it: [...]

I have no issue with the practice of polyamory. My issue is with the messenger. Jenny is a clever woman who easily wins people over with her warm demeanor and self-deprecating wit. However, I cannot take what she says at face value. Her book is supposed to be about open "marriage", but it has been (rather sheepishly) dedicated to her girlfriend. This subtle but cavalier gesture underscores the self-centered attitude that drives the story within.

We learn of Jenny's amazing power to attract youthful lesbian lovers who previously identified as straight ("whee"). We learn how she cheated on her spouse for the simple reason that she really, really likes having sex with other people (who doesn't?). And we learn how her husband is "the rock" in a marriage where he seemingly only exists to help her reach "the sky"... her girlfriend. How nice. I'm sure every spouse, male or female, aspires for such a role.

I agree with Jenny that our culture is overdue for a reexamination of monogamy. This simply isn't the book to accomplish it. Jenny is bisexual and has an arrangement that allows for male and female lovers if she so decides. However, other bisexuals practice a form of "gender monogamy" in which only partners of the same gender are allowed. Still others consider themselves sexually monogamous but engage in extramarital emotional relationships. Essentially, we can live as we please as long as it is for the betterment of everyone involved. Which is why it would be nice to hear the argument from her husband's perspective instead of exclusively from a person who is so gung-ho about wanting it all, at any cost.

If mainstream America is ever going to buy into this lifestyle, we need more than lip service and a ring on the cover. We need the whole story. As it stands, "Open" would make a better episode of "Desperate Housewives" than an instructional course in Polyamory 101. It may be a lurid and honest story, but it fails to persuade.

What value is honesty in the absence of honor? Not much, I'm afraid.

Jenny Block has produced a stunning memoir in "OPEN: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage." In writing about relationships and marriage, Block writes what other authors rarely put into print. Her's is not a memoir about finding Mr. Right, nor is it a comic memoir about finding a string of Mr. Wrongs. This is not about her experiences going through an awful divorce, and it is not about how she discovered herself after leaving her husband. This is not a traditional coming out story, neither is it a tortured tale of her life lived deep in the closet. Jenny Block's memoir is about challenging conventional wisdom. This memoir is an attempt to shock the reader awake with the clear message that anything is possible, as a couple, as long as it is engaged in openly and honestly. She admits that her story could have been a more traditional one of infidelity and divorce had she lacked the courage to think in radically different ways. At the same time she acknowledges that her solution, a polyamorous marriage, may not work for everyone. What she is adamant about, in retelling her experiences, is that no one has to settle for the standard answers. When your marriage is on the verge of divorce, when the boyfriend whom you love dearly is just not satisfying you anymore, these are not merely times when one should despair, according to Jenny, these are the times when one should get creative and get honest.

This begs the question, has Jenny Block saved her marriage or destroyed it? How one answers this question, after reading this memoir, is really a testament to how one feels about monogamy. If one feels that monogamy is essential for a marriage then the only answer one may accept is that Jenny Block's marriage ended when she took other lovers. She may not have gotten divorced, yet she is certainly not still "married," because, committed monogamists would argue, marriage requires a monogamous relationship. In response she spends time in her memoir discussing the statistics on infidelity and the pain caused by the lying and deceptions which accompany the infidelities. The unwritten question asked in much of this memoir is - wouldn't we, as a society and a world, be better off if we spent less time hurting each other with lies and deceptions regarding sex? Throughout her memoir she challenges the reader to think about what is the worst thing that could happen in being honest with each other? Yet not wanting to dwell on the negatives, Jenny uses her life and experiences as she retells them, to argue that the best outcome is that your spouse or partner will be fine with you having other lovers.

And why not! Sex may not be just sex, and romantic entanglements may occur, but Block suggests that everything can be worked out as long as you and your primary partner are able to maintain open and honest communication. Block returns to the theme of honesty often in this memoir. It reminded me of Bertrand Russell writing in his 1967 autobiography about how he no longer loved his wife, "I had no wish to be unkind, but I believed in those days (what experience has taught me to think possibly open to doubt) that in intimate relations one should speak the truth." Which leads to the next most common theme in Block's memoir which is, speaking the truth is not easy. It requires each person in the relationship to really listen to each other and to speak with gentleness yet from the heart.

The most stunning argument presented by Block is that no one should be insecure if they can't fulfill 100% of their lover's needs and desires. "I began to think" she writes "it was unfair-ludicrous, really-to expect my husband to fulfill me on every level. Outside of the bedroom, I don't have those standards for him. We have different friends for different things." When I read this, I immediately realized the truth in what she was writing. Block's approach is a much more mature and loving way to think about ones spouse or partner. When teenagers date they date obsessively. They need to do everything together and being apart even for a short time can seem like they are loosing the one they love. As we mature in our ability to love we realize that the people we love are their own individuals and that they have their own needs and wants. Space, and the ability to be ones own self, is not only important but can be crucial to maintaining a relationship. Wives give their husbands the space to go golfing while husbands give their wives the space to attend yoga classes, and their happiness as a couple increases when each can engage in these fulfilling activities. Block's radical, and truthful, approach is to ask why do we not behave the same way with regard to sex. If one partner wanted oral sex and the other did not, would not the relationship be happier if the one desiring the oral sex could find satisfaction with another? In theory, we all have to recognize that the relationship would be happier. The problem with agreeing with Block on this point is that no one wants to imagine that it is this simple. Block would be the first to agree that open and honest communication is difficult and that there are pitfalls to an open relationship which must be avoided, but, if there were any motivation for writing this memoir, it was to demonstrate that it is possible to work through and around these difficulties and to achieve happiness and sexual fulfillment.

Now to my criticism of the book.

If relationships are about more than one person then a memoir about living in an open marriage must represent more than one voice. Up until Chapter 3, Just Pick Someone Already, Block was fine writing solely from her perspective. From the point of her marriage onward the book would have been better, had we as readers, been able to hear, at least sometimes, from her husband's perspective. The one page letter that Christopher contributes at the end of the book is not sufficient to overcome this glaring omission. I think that the book would have been given more credibility if they had written about opening their marriage as a couple rather than solely from Jenny's voice. Writing only from her voice opens the prose up to the criticism of being too self-centered, a criticism that is enhanced because it is Block, herself, who desires the additional sexual relationships and her husband who seems content without them.

When Block's lover Jemma is added to the picture in Chapter 7, You Can't Run Out Of Love, her voice too should have been added to the prose. If living in a polyamorous marriage is about maintaining an open and honest dialog between partners, then Block missed an opportunity by not showing us, the reader, that dialog in action. The inclusion of Christopher's one page letter at the end of the book stands in stark contrast to the missing letter from Jemma.

If anything these omissions leave Jenny standing alone to face her critics accusations that her husband and girlfriend are not really OK with the situation.

The omissions may not be that troubling, however, if one can accept that not everyone is ready at the same time to tell their story. While Jenny Block may have been ready to proclaim her open relationship to the world, Christopher and Jemma certainly may not want to be that public. Should we distrust Block's motives because of this, no. Is the book less compelling, yes, but marginally so. Block herself does not shy away from writing from her own truth. The fact that she is only one, of three persons in this relationship, able to be so open and honest should not lead to criticisms of her or distrust for her. Instead, it should lead every reader to recognize the courage it took to write this book and to value more, her lone voice.

The feminist propaganda in Open is downright offensive. Having an open marriage is not exclusive to feminists (or bisexuals or Republicans or Democrats or blacks or whites, for that matter). For Block to propose that a marriage in which a woman is devoted to her husband (the author cites Iris Krasnow and the tv shows thirtysomething and Leave it to Beaver, and many, many more supposedly anti-feminist references, to a nauseating degree) undoes "years of fighting for women's rights" is preposterous. Marriages must be nurtured in order to survive the ordeals of parenthood and more. No one is saying that it is the woman's job alone. The book also contains enough unnecessary and ancient statistics and quotes from other books to make you rolleyes. These statistics are supposed to open our eyes to the shocking truth (!) that monogamy may not be innate in human beings. I mean, COME ON!! We've known that for decades now.

Trust me when I tell you that you want to trade Open for the most succinct version of Block's story. Read One Big Happy Family, by Rebecca Walker. It contains a pleasantly condensed version of Open, one that does not beat us about the head with hate for women who do not require a feminist label in order to feel empowered.

I am an extremely open minded individual with many friends who are in open relationships. It's what works for them, and I respect that. Jenny Block does not seem so open minded, as she simply berates and puts down monogamous relationships throughout her book. She compares monogamous relationships to "big 80's hair," by saying these relationships are unhealthy, impossible to sustain, and are only good for keeping up appearances. I picked up this book hoping to get an insider's view on why open relationships work, but was instead treated to a 270 page thesis about why my monogamous relationship is antiquated and doomed to fail.

Ever since I came across Jenny Block's blog post on the same subject - Open Marriage, I have been wanting to read her book. Finally ordered it on Amazon and read it.

The book is about open relationships, the focal theme being honesty with one's partner(s) - even if painful at times. It deals with questions of "why open marriage as opposed to separating", how the author makes it work in her life, the difference between an open relationship and cheating on one's spouse. There must be a lot of others who quietly live an open marriage without writing about it or exposing themselves to public criticism/debate. The author claims to be a "poster child" for open marriage - in this she has certainly succeeded. The book certainly helps bring to the public view a subject that is controversial and mostly unaccepted by society.

But I must say overall, it was somewhat disappointing - it did not seem to have much value-add over her blog post - almost everything in the book has already been said in the blog, in a more concise way. The book could have be edited to probably half its length.

Besides, it is a single person's (or at best a couple's) point of view on how they are going about an alternative life-style. The author states this clearly - it is just the way *she* has defined open marriage - based on the "rules" acceptable to her husband and herself. What would have been a better treatment of the subject is research and exploration of other definitions of open relationships - a broader view.

In the book, she talks about how not to expose her 10 year old daughter to unnecessary details of her sex life. Fair enough. But how does she reconcile writing a book about her open marriage, and insisting on honesty on all sides, and not exposing her child to her book? I am curious about what the author would tell her daughter - if she intends to stay honest, she cannot very well hide this book from her daughter. Will the daughter reads this book? Will the author explain herself to the child?

And finally, the author has now settled into a single "other" relationship outside her marriage - with another woman. Her girl-friend at the time of writing is not comfortable with her having other sexual relationships (other than her husband)... this somewhat takes the air out of open marriage, where now she has to abide by two people's rules. It may not seem like that to the people concerned - they *want* to do what they're doing, by choice.. but what does it say about open marriage? Nothing much really.

Anybody know of other books that have a broader perspective on the subject of open relationships, please comment.

For someone that's spends a large part of the book with a "Woe is me, no one wants to understand my open marriage" point of view, Jenny Block is certainly quick to deem the alternative (monogamous marriage) as "outdated". Block has a very passive aggressive way of writing that seems to argue for open marriage by putting down monogamous marriage at every chance that she gets. Also, a good 60% of the book reads like a textbook. In reading the book I felt like I was in a one-way conversation with someone that believes that she has all the answers, and if you don't agree with her then clearly you haven't transcended your outdated ways yet.

Good points:

1. The author gave us a preview of what the book would be about, and so that was a bit nice. If, at any point the reader lost track of where this woman was with her MANY partners (of either sex), then he could just go back to the intro and reread it to put the events in context.

Bad points:

1. The book seems a bit........babbly. There are not that many events that happened that could justify filling up over 200 pages, and so the author goes on at great length with her introspection. In fact, the author could have arranged this book another way: Taking, say, 10 of the points and making each of them a chapter/ subchapter and then dealing with the events in her life that brought her to that conclusion.

2. It is clear that the book was written by someone who was educated by Feminazis. Marriage is just an outdated institution and made as a way to join families/ business interests/ money, etc. (*Yawn*)

3. It is clear that the book was written by someone who has lived in academia all of her life. She kept going on at some length about "society" (even though we all know that there is no such thing), and it sounded a bit....... trite.

4. This is one of the good points, but it's also one of the bad points. The whole plot of the book could have been fit onto 2 pages (and it was, in the intro), and so as I progressed through the book, it felt a bit like filler-- all the way through

This book is a revelation. It is a memoir of the author's life as a mainstream bisexual woman who, try as she might, couldn't find the kind of fairytale fulfillment promised by traditional marriage. She has a supportive husband and a young daughter who are the center of her life, as they should be. But still, there were issues in her marriage, the biggest one being that she and her husband have different needs in terms of frequency of lovemaking. She'd had relationships with women before marriage. She thought she could do without them when she decided to do what everyone thinks they are supposed to do and get married. Despite giving the traditional suburban wife and mother role a solid effort, it left her feeling so dissatisfied that something had to change or her marriage wouldn't survive.

There is no book on polyamory and open relationships like this one. It takes tremendous courage for a mainstream woman to publicly lay her heart and soul bare as the author has here. She openly shares with us her most intimate thought processes and desires through every stage of her adult life, beginning with her experiences exploring her sexuality in college, up to and including details of her and her husband's challenges and experiences opening their marriage.

I especially enjoyed the husband's afterword. The author is smart for including his perspective in his words to correct misperceptions that her husband and daughter are the innocent victims in all this. The husband makes it clear that he is a co-partner in this adventure, even though partnering with others is not as high a priority for him as it is for his wife.

Another of this book's strengths is the author's point of view on how multi-partnering while raising her daughter is a good thing. It's pretty clear that she and her husband are good parents to begin with and that every decision they've made has been made with their daughter's best interests in mind.

This author has a gift for eloquently articulating the issues and intricacies with which non-monogamists grapple. She cites a variety of sources to support her point of view. She also uses the word "polyamory" to describe her marriage and relationships, especially later in the book when her sexually open marriage naturally transitions to make room for love and romance with more than one.

This book may well play a pivotal role in the mainstreaming of polyamory. It has gained the attention in three mainstream women's magazines. The June 2008 issues of Redbook, Marie Claire and Glamour all have interviews or shorter Q&A's with the author about her book and life. It is available on the non-fiction new release tables at Barnes & Noble and Borders. There is nothing more mainstream than that.

Jenny Block`s book is an account of her open marriage, not an indictment against traditional marriage. The title Open serves to remind the readers to open their minds to the possibilities. Before anyone becomes indignant or unduly critical of this book, they would do well to reflect on their own unexamined lust and desires, as well as the level of spousal honesty and communication within their marriage. While some may be psychologically or emotionally unprepared to challenge their own engrained ideals about marriage, a stubborn fact abides, that most marriages end in divorce. By chronicling her path less traveled, Jenny Block reveals how a marriage was saved by opening it up.

Society assumes the male to be hard-wired for straying. Ms. Block points out the irony of a culture that is permissive of male affairs from the White House to the next door neighbor, yet the word slut is preserved for women. Women may also have unfulfilled needs. Instead of sharing these licentious desires, we often ignore them and resent the significant other, or we make a Faustian bargain with ourselves, and cheat on our spouse rather than disclose our private needs. The psychotherapist, Nathaniel Brandon once wrote, that what we think and do in our private moments is still us (Psychology of Self Esteem, 1969).

The revelation contained in Jenny Block's book is that marriage and openness are compatible, and perhaps the unmet needs of the partner may be addressed without fault or blame, and resolved while love is sustained and happiness attained.

My own open marriage for eleven of thirteen years has been rewarded by a deeper mutual love and communication. While our love life together is fulfilling, my wife's capacity remains higher than mine. By mutual agreement I choose monogamy, and my wife may have other interests. We have rules, we respect each other, and anyone who knows us remarks on the closeness of our relationship.

Open marriage is not for everyone, but in some cases it may save a marriage and add a much needed spark. I would have loved to have read this book eleven years ago when my wife and I were experimenting and learning about the concept on our own. I highly recommend this book for those who feel closed in their relationship, or are thinking about the mutual benefit of being open.

What is most remarkable about Jenny's relationship with her husband is not that they are not monogamous--truly monogamous couples are the exception, after all--but that they are honest with themselves and with each other. I admire Jenny's deep commitment to being honest, which is not so easy to do in our society. Couple researcher John Gottman once said that marital relationships are just different from friendship relationships. I submit that the reason for this is that our heterocentric biases make it very, very difficult for most married, heterosexual partners to be truly "open" with each other in terms of communication. I would recommend this book to any couple who wants to make their partner their best friend by forging more honest communication with each other, whether or not they decide to remain sexually monogamous.