Customer Reviews

Open Marriage: A New Life Style for Couples

5 star:		(4)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

This not a "how to" guide to "swinging" (or whatever people call it) but in fact much more a book that addresses the question of being together and growing with a partner while retaining individuality and seperatedness within a relationship of honesty, trust and openess. I felt a lot less cynical and much more positive about the institution of marriage as a result of reading this book.

I thought it was excellent and I feel it's a book that would probably appeal to many more people if the title was different. But then again it was because of the title that I found it. Highly recommended for any relationship whether or not marriage is a part of it.

I feel that this book can apply to every romantic pairing. This is not just a book for those contemplating an open marriage. This is a book that can give you great ideas regarding space in a relationship. It expands on the idea that just because you are part of a couple does not mean you have to give up yourself. It promotes the idea of still mainting and developing new ideas and hobbies about yourself. It really has so very little to do with sex and more to do with keeping your own life exciting and not expecting the marriage to solve all your fulfilment needs.

The title of this book has become misleading only because the meaning of the words "Open Marriage" has changed over the decades.

This book is an excellent guide for people interested in all the aspects of attaining and living in an open marriage, which is an overall way of life, not just sexual freedom. Everything from sex to doing the dishes is covered in this book. Some of the language may sound dated since it's original printing, but then again, so does Shakespeare.

This the best book I have ever found to learn about ALL aspects of your marital relationships (not just the sexual ones) and discover the ways in which people try to control and eventually destroy each other as individuals within a marriage.

If you want a book on "swinging" (a/k/a recreational, non-monogomous sex) then this is NOT the book you are looking for. But then again, Open Marriage is leaps and bounds beyond just swinging. This book guides you through making this a way of life in a wonderful way, changing the traditional marriage views in ALL aspects, including non-monogomous sex, but not JUST sex.

How do I know this? I've been living this way for 15 years and still going happy and strong. My first "traditional" marriage lasted 3 years.

Please don't be confused by the unfortunate choice of title, nor by the ridiculous books promoting promiscuity that are associated with it by Amazon databases.

Let's examine the two negative reviews of this book.

One reviewer admits that he had decided the book wasn't worthwhile before reading it, and proceeds with an attitude that dares the authors to change his mind. This is hardly an "open" reading, is it? Further, the message of this book is in no way negated by a supposed divorce between the authors. The authors of Open Marriage specifically instruct readers to examine their expectation that marriage lasts forever.

Another reviewer has a vested interest in dismissing Open Marriage, because its ideas contradict those of a book he wrote. He is careful to advertise his own book in his negative review of Open Marriage.

As for whether Open Marriage is outdated, since when did such things as communication and trust become outdated? With extremes of ideology and dogma on a rapid increase, a book that promotes careful examination of our assumptions and expectations before getting married has never been more relevant. Has Socrates' dictum "An unexamined life is not worth living" ever gone out of date?

Briefly, I'll quote from chapter 4:

"The guidelines [to healthy relationships] are as follows:
1 realistic expectations
2 privacy
3 open and honest communication
4 flexibility in roles
5 open companionship
6 equality
7 identity
8 trust

Where do love, sex, and fidelity fit in? Are these not guidelines too - the basic components of any marriage? Important, yes; guidelines, no. Many of the problems with the closed marriage [defined by poor communication, lack of trust, immaturity etc.] stem from a false concept of the part that love, sex, and fidelity play in the relationship between man and a woman. The guidelines of open marriage listed above form the basis upon which love, sex, and fidelity achieve their meaning, not vice versa. If personal identity is based on love, equality measured by sex, and trust defined by fidelity, then identity will be crushed by a lessening of the initial romantic fervor, equality diminished by a temporary failure in sex, and trust destroyed through even the appearance of infidelity. But if personal identity, equality and trust exist in full measure, then the normal fluctuations that occur in any relationship between two human beings can be taken in stride."

One way of looking at the book Open Marriage is to say that the authors are discussing which comes first, the chicken or the egg? They are revealing that love, sex, and fidelity are outcomes of mature relating, thus not the cause of mature relating. If we reverse causation and pursue the product directly, without the process, than we set in motion a degradation from expectation, to demands, to manipulation, to frustration, and ending in "bitter disappointment" (chapter 4). For example, suspicious jealousy pursues fidelity directly, bypassing the process of building trust and commitment. On the other hand, when we follow the above 8 principles of healthy relating, the likely outcome is love, and fidelity. I recall a TV Sitcom in which a holiday family reunion wasn't going well, and someone angrily threatened that "we all had better start having fun right now!" Again, pursuit of the outcome directly without the process, results in our realizing the very thing we most fear (can you hear echoes of Dr. Phil McGraw in this?)

The authors are saying that an unexamined marriage will fail because our unconscious assumptions, demands, and expectations are going to take over, and a great deal of negative conflict will result. These authors are simply saying that we need to pay attention and be proactive, examine our thoughts and feelings openly, and negotiate a mutually acceptable relationship. This open communication and cooperation, as opposed to conflict, is what the authors refer to in the title of their book. They are referring to a Socratic openness to challenging one`s own thoughts and behaviors as a basis of healthy living. This point is strongly supported by Dr. M. Scott Peck, author of The Road Less Traveled, who refers to Open Marriage on page 93 of ...Traveled. Dr. Peck's says the same thing with a different metaphor: we ought to examine our mental "maps" and be willing to revise them to keep ourselves dedicated to reality. Let Dr. Peck's reference carry more weight than mine.

This book reached its "sell before" date about 25 years ago. Better books have been written, but haven't been hyped so thoroughly, so it keeps getting reprinted.

The "open marriage" concept has -- REPEAT AFTER ME -- absolutely nothing to do with sexual nonmonogamy. Rather, the authors examine the problem of what another author has called "the couple front," where couples feel they must act as if they're surgically joined, & end up feeling confined & eventually hating each other.

If you are NOT interested in nonmonogamy, then read ANY book by Harville Hendrix & you'll find thoughts that are much more practical.

If you ARE interested in nonmonogamy (group marriage, polyamory, etc.), then start with Intimate Friendships (Ramey), Polyamory (Ravenscroft -- whoops, that's me), Polyamory (Anapol), Honest Sex (Roy & Roy), or Group Marriage (Constantine & Constantine)... or even The New Faithful (Nearing), or Three in Love (Foster).

I usually see ten copies of this book at any thrift store. That's somehow fitting.

This book is a classic when it pertains to building and establishing a relationship that works for you and your partner. It is written with a much different perspective and definition of an open marriage than today's view of Open Marriage.

I highly urge anyone in a relationship to read this book together with their partner as a way to stimulate and nurture individual and collective growth.

Please keep in mind the time period this book was written in, as some of the examples used to illustrate points will not speak to the current dynamics between the sexes.

Overall, it's a thoughtful and transforming read.

The O'Neills' exciting, original approach to married life shows you and your mate how the stifling, limited arrangement you've always thought marriage had to be can be opened up into an honest, undemanding, joyful relationship. they'll introduce you to the OPEN MARRIAGE concepts-trust, liking, role flexibility, individual freedom and growth, and love and sex without jealousy-that can do wonders for your marriage. OPEN MARRIAGE must be read before you get married-or before your marriage gets a day older!
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This book needs to modernized. I see there is a 1984 version, but I don't know how that fits in today's age. It is a dry read, but I pushed thru and did get a few ideas to allow my own marriage to grow and flourish.

This book is still a classic. But, better today are the books on Polyamorous relationships.

I heard about this book, so I wanted to read it to see if it was as funny and stupid (unintentionally) as I heard.

I was not disappointed. Few things in life are free, and sex is defintely not among them.

The perfect coda to this book is that the couple got divroced several years after publishing this book. You can't make this stuff up.