Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (Paperback)

by Tristan Taormino (Author)
Key Phrases: radical honesty, group marriage, nonviolent communication, United States, New York, San Francisco (more...)

Editorial Reviews

Review
"A luscious smorgasbord of non-monogamy as an opportunity for breaking free of one-way models of sex and love. Taormino's discussion is remarkably nuanced and balanced--and encourages readers to proceed with their eyes wide open." -- Jack Morin, PhD, author of The Erotic Mind

"Bold advice for explorers of open relationships. Comprehensive, clear, and grounded in practical realities, this book is one of the best to come along in a long time!" -- Deborah Anapol, Ph.D., author of Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

"Courageous, stunningly thorough and inspiring. If you need a pathfinding guide for evolving your relationships, this is it." -- Daphne Rose Kingma, author of The Future of Love

"If you are looking for an everyday, run-of-the-mill relationship guide, this introduction to the world of nonmonogamy is probably not for you. Village Voice sex columnist Taormino, who has authored or edited a handful of guides on physical relationships (e.g., The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex For Women), sheds light on the various types of open relations and shares tips on how these relationships can most successfully be maintained. Those put off by the book's premise shouldn't be: this is not so much an espousal of nonmonogamous relationships as it is a comprehensive guide to the phenomenon, offering numerous firsthand accounts from those involved in open relationships. With its modern twist on conventional relationships, her latest title would be best suited for contemporary nonfiction collections."---Carolann Curry, Mercer Univ. Medical Lib., Macon, GA -- Library Journal--July 2008

"Superbly informative, sympathetic and literate." -- Dr. Gloria Brame, author of Different Loving

"Taormino cuts through all the utopian theory and gets down to what people really need: the nuts and bolts of how open relationships work. I want to give Opening Up to everyone I know who asks, 'How do you do it?'" -- Susie Bright, author of Best American Erotica Series

"This is the book you want to read if you're looking for a voice that is balanced, sensitive and sensible when tackling the thorny question of sexual boundaries in love relationships. Opening Up is sure to open up your mind." -- Esther Perel, author of Mating In Captivity: Unlocking Erotica Intelligence

Product Description
Relationship expert and bestselling author Tristan Taormino offers a bold new strategy for creating loving, lasting relationships. Drawing on in-depth interviews with over a hundred women and men, Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships explores the real-life benefits and challenges of all styles of open relationships--from partnered nonmonogamy to solo polyamory. With her refreshingly down-to-earth style and sharp wit, Taormino offers solutions for making an open relationship work, including tips on dealing with jealousy, negotiating boundaries, finding community, parenting, and time management. Woven throughout the book are the diverse voices of real people--from a woman with two husbands and a suburban swinger couple to polyamorous parents and a gay male triad--who candidly share their struggles, fears, hopes, and the secrets of their success in open relationships. Opening Up will change the way you think about intimacy--and will help you decide if an open relationship is right for you.

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Product Details

• Paperback: 346 pages
• Publisher: Cleis Press (May 1, 2008)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 157344295X
• ISBN-13: 978-1573442954
• Product Dimensions: 8.4 x 5.5 x 1.1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.6 out of 5 stars See all reviews (30 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #8,255 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

20 of 20 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars The book I've been waiting for, July 2, 2008

By	Harper J. Tobin (Takoma Park, MD) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

A number of good and okay books on nonmonogamy and polyamory have been published in the last several years. I read most of them: some were focused on particular forms of nonmonogamy; others dominated by a spiritual bent, others were just poorly written or edited. Some were downright Pollyanna-ish in their superficial treatment of the challenges of open relationships, occasionally reeking of smug superiority over less-evolved monogamous couplings. None of them was the perfect book I wanted to recommend to the curious, the novice, the baffled and disapproving. This is that book.

Among the book's chief strengths is its breadth. Taormino conducted over 120 interviews with a diverse sample of the nonmonogamous - people of varying ages, sexualities, and (most of all) approaches to relationships. This variety is highlighted by six chapters on different types of open relationships, discussing each types particular advantages and challenges and sharing the experiences of individuals, couples, and group relationships.

The later chapters tackle particular issues and problems common to open relationships, from the emotional (managing jealousy, coming out) to the practical (safer sex, legal and financial protections). Taormino moves beyond the platitudes common to discussions of nomonogamy - "Communicate! Be Honest! Own your feelings!" - and provides concrete advice on how to approach difficult conversations, disentangle emotional reactions, develop and follow agreements, and respond to change.

The book's heavy use of quotations and anecdotes from interview subjects, and its effort to be accessible and inclusive, result in an approach that mutes the distinctive voice and focus on sexual exploration that mark Taormino's other work as an author, editor, educator and pornographer. In-depth discussions of group sex are not to be found (Taormino recommends Vicki Vantock's Threesome Handbook); instead, the focus is on the emotional aspect of relationships, and sexual details come up only in the context of forming agreements and protecting your partners. With a few exceptions - such as her criticism of the "radical honesty" school of intimate communication - the book presents varied opinions and approaches in a neutral, descriptive fashion; rather than question the importance of gender and heterosexual intercourse to many people's relationship agreements, for example, she simply recognizes these as emotional facts to be addressed.

This book will be most interesting to those relatively new to thinking about, or doing, open relationships. But while those for whom nonmonogamy is familiar may be tempted to skim or skip this book (or any new book on the subject), nearly everyone will find something thought-provoking, such as the discussion of mono/poly relationships (which poly folk sometimes regard as doomed to fail, in much the way many monogamous folks regard polyamory generally), the evolution of group relationships, and coping with major changes in wants, needs, and circumstances.

[...]

12 of 12 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Essential reading for everybody entering into an intimate relationship of any kind, June 28, 2008

By	Mistress D (Ft. Lauderdale, FL United States) - See all my reviews

Tristan Taormino has done it again. Her flair for intelligent, engaging journalism takes a hotly debated subject and demystifies it in a pragmatic, yet charming manner. As a relationship counselor, specializing in alternative affairs, I have, by this time, given all of my initial order copies of Opening Up to clients and friends. This easy to read primer holds priceless value to anyone involved in an intimate liaison and is not only for those in or contemplating open relationships. Taormino's talent for translating thorough research into entertaining reading is made even more beneficial through her use of checklists, guides, definitions and practical advice on etiquette, negotiation and more. What could have easily been just another boring, clinical look at alternative relationship models is presented in a vividly human way and accentuated via the many personal experiences which can be found throughout the book. By shattering countless misconceptions, fabrications, myths and rumors about open relationships, Taormino also brings to light the fact that monogamy is a choice and not an expectation. As well, this delightfully honest author clearly communicates her deep understanding that there is no "right" model. Opening Up vividly illustrates, through tireless research, skillful writing and real life accounts, that all manner of relationships require periodic reevaluation highlighted by meaningful, sincere communication and negotiation in a fearless, loving environment. In her inimitable style, Taormino gently urges the reader to awareness that these are key elements for success in relationships of any kind. I have and will continue to recommend this revealing book to not only those experiencing ambivalence about their current relationship but also to those who are curious about breathing new life into their existing arrangement. Opening Up is so filled with readable, practical information that it is likely to provide the necessary evidence which could change, "I think I'd like to....," into "Be careful what you wish for;" giving it enhanced value for enlightening those who may be impetuous or uninformed thus perhaps avoiding ill conceived forays into potentially treacherous relationship territory. In a world where marriages and families fail at an alarming rate, this refreshingly entertaining "how to" provides essential insight and practical advice - making it near mandatory reading for any and all who are contemplating relationship counseling, marriage or any other intimate, family arrangement.

15 of 16 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Real Advice, no matter where you are on your journey, May 29, 2008

By	Jen J. (New York, NY) - See all my reviews

Tristan has a great way of intertwining advice, information, and wonderfully personal stories from people in open relationships. It is truly a guide and offers practical advice without being judgmental or glossing over the difficult aspects of open relationships. It is based on lots of interviews and so the stories are inspiring but also very real. There is the misconception that open relationships are about cheating or a misogynistic model where a man has multiple wives who are faithful to him. Tristan explores these myths and shows the multiple ways that open relationships work and the variety of people who engage in them (they're not all hippies or Mormons!). The way the book is laid out is also helpful because it clearly describes the differences between types of open relationships (paired nonmonogamy, swinging, polyamory, solo polyamory, polyfidelity, combinations) as well as give advice on creating these relationships and sustaining them (ie. working through problems, communicating, safer sex practices, and legal issues). Open relationships are not all about sex and to create an open relationship that works, there needs to be strong communication and forethought. This book helps you to determine and think about the good, the bad, and the ugly so that you can avoid some mistakes or miscommunications in the future (or deal with them appropriately when they come up). I recommend this book to anyone who is curious about open relationships or who is in an open relationship and wants it to continue positively.