Ophelia's Mom: Women Speak Out About Loving and Letting Go of Their Adolescent Daughters [Hardcover]

Nina Shandler (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: August 21, 2001

Ophelia's Mom Speaks -- At Last

"Why do I hurt so much when she pulls away?" "What did I do wrong?" "Are we ever going to be friends again?" "Why is she friends with that sleaze and dating that fungus?" "I know I'm supposed to let her go, but I don't know how and I'm terrified." From the mother of the author of the
bestselling Ophelia Speaks, this is the first book in which mothers of adolescent girls speak out about how the changes in their daughters' lives are prompting cataclysms in their own.

Reviving Ophelia and Ophelia Speaks explored the painful challenges faced by teen girls. But where's the support for the mothers of those teen girls? In Ophelia's Mom, Nina Shandler, Ed.D., gives the mothers the chance to speak out about feelings and uncertainties too often considered taboo.

Culled from written submissions and interviews with hundreds of women from all walks of life and from every part of the country, the concerns voiced in these pages reflect the universal experience of mothers facing one set of life changes while their daughters are facing another. With humor, pathos, insight, rage, sadness, joy, and ultimately, optimism, these mothers talk candidly about rejection and separation, feminism versus Girl Power, love and sex, friends, school, drugs and alcohol, divorce, menstruation and menopause, the mother-daughter bond, and much more.

As these mothers reveal how this life passage has reshaped them as well as their children, you'll realize that you're not crazy, and you're certainly not alone in your frustration, confusion, and exhilaration over raising an adolescent daughter.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Family therapist Shandler (Estrogen: The Natural Way) follows up on daughter Sara Shandler's 1999 bestselling collection of teenage girls' writings about their lives, Ophelia Speaks, with a collection presenting their mothers' perspectives. Although Shandler's calls for submissions yielded far fewer responses than her daughter's, she culled over 110 essays, poems and conversational snippets (including overheard restaurant conversations) focused on what she regards as the biggest problem confronting mothers of adolescents: "the paradoxical challenge to love daughters and let go of them." The book, which includes a foreword by Sara, discusses raging hormones, school, sex, drugs, alcohol, sibling rivalry and divorce. The selections vary greatly in quality and tone but all are heartfelt. Among the strongest are Jean L. McGroarty's poignant recollection in "Driving Lesson" that her daughter, who is about to drive away, was once a little baby playing with her keys, and Felicia Blasi's humorous take "On Shopping" in which she observes that "there are no logical reasons to have children." In the poem "March 12, 1994," Karen Margulies Green chronicles her attempt to help her drug-addicted daughter, while in "Don't Worry, Mom, I'm Right Here," Grace Wozniak shares her struggle with breast cancer with her daughter at her side. In "In a Mother's Tears" R.M. searches for a silver lining when her 14-year-old daughter is diagnosed with bipolar disorder. While this is not a parenting how-to guide, the sheer volume of the entries offers reassurance that other mothers, too, face tough choices during their daughters' sullen years and that most teens and parents emerge from this difficult period wiser and stronger. (Sept.)Forecast: Buoyed by an NPR sponsorship, an eight-city author tour and the impressive track record of her daughter's book, Shandler's collection should capture some media attention, though as a parenting book it enters a more competitive niche than Sara's collection of teen testimonials.

Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc.

From Library Journal

Shandler's daughter Sara wrote the first response to Mary Pipher's landmark Reviving Ophelia (LJ 4/1/94) and named it Ophelia Speaks (LJ 7/99). Sara, who was 17 at the time, voiced the concerns of her generation: depression, the pressures of friendship and school, and the temptations of alcohol, drugs, and food. Here, Sara's mom, a psychologist and family therapist, deals with mothering an adolescent daughter. She invited 23,000 mothers to share their stories with her and received only 350 responses. A taboo of silence, she concluded. Why? The relationship between mother and adolescent daughter is, she realized, an "enmeshed tangle of pride, guilt, and blame." Twenty chapters here examine the struggles faced by mothers of teenage girls: to love them and let them go. Shandler includes contributions from 110 mothers dealing with dating, popularity, sex, eating disorders, depression, and more. Although these mothers feel guilty "Where did I go wrong? Will she be OK?" the tone is upbeat and hopeful. There are few statistics or facts; instead, Shandler offers moms the chance to share the burdens and blessings they face. Sure to be requested, this is recommended for all public libraries. Linda Beck, Indian Valley P.L., Telford, PA
Copyright 2001 Reed Business Information, Inc.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 304 pages
• Publisher: Crown; 1 edition (August 21, 2001)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 060960886X
• ISBN-13: 978-0609608869
• Product Dimensions: 9.3 x 6.2 x 1.1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.4 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (9 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #792,336 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

4 of 4 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Helpful Insights for Ophelia's Dad, Too!, September 28, 2001

By 

Donald Mitchell "Jesus Loves You!" (Thanks for Providing My Reviews over 109,000 Helpful Votes Globally) - See all my reviews
(VINE VOICE)    (HALL OF FAME REVIEWER)    (TOP 100 REVIEWER)   

This review is from: Ophelia's Mom: Women Speak Out About Loving and Letting Go of Their Adolescent Daughters (Hardcover)

Our youngest child of four is now a 15 year-old sophomore in high school. I am enjoying seeing her blossom and go through the teenage struggle. She is clearly doing well, and is finding her footing.

At the same time, I can see that my wife finds all of this much more distressing than she did with the older children. Clearly, letting go is proving to be hard. How concerned should I be? I wasn't sure.

Having read Ophelia's Mom, I can now see that my wife's reactions are very typical. I also see that there's more to feel good about with our younger daughter than I would have realized on my own. These wise, witty, wonderful women have given me a great gift by sharing their deepest fears and concerns.

Whether you are a mom or a dad of a teenage girl, I think you will love this book. Dr. Shandler is very open in describing how her professional objectivity is overwhelmed by her maternal instincts. And she obviously raised two amazing daughters. Equally, her professional knowledge allows her to frame the material from the other moms to best advantage so it is easily to understand.

I particularly liked the parts of Ophelia's Mom where she addressed the rest of the family. How does one's own mom affect parenting? What is a helpful role for husbands?

The book has only two weaknesses. It could have used submissions from more people. Apparently, Ophelia's mom is shy about her experiences (or perhaps just too crazed while being in them). Dr. Shandler certainly put a lot of effort in this direction. Second, it would have been stronger if the Ophelia's had shared their thoughts with their moms so that the reader could see both perspectives more clearly. In the case of Dr. Shandler, she could clearly have asked her own daughters for help since Ms. Sara Shandler has gone public already in Ophelia Speaks about her experiences as a teen. Books like this often stimulate an outpouring of letters, so perhaps we will see Echoes of Ophelia's Mom in the future.

Go give your mom and your daughter a hug!

3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Broken Silence, October 11, 2001

By 

Karen M. Green (Washington, D.C. United States) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Ophelia's Mom: Women Speak Out About Loving and Letting Go of Their Adolescent Daughters (Hardcover)

"Sometimes,ofttimes, women had to keep silent, have not spoken or named the unspeakable. With their men, they have seen with clear vision, and yet they have not spoken. Wisely, unwisely,they have kept their own counsel and held their tongues.
"With each other, women have also kept silent, and if they have spoken to eachother, their men never knew. All these centuries, the vast underground murmur of women confiding to each other,consoling, grieving, laughing in a separate world,apart from men."
I wrote these words for a juried art exhibit (Collaboration Between Writers and Artists) at The Washington Women's Art Center in 1981. An artist friend had created a quilt of a woman's head. The woman had no mouth.
I also added brief versions of the tales of Procne and Philomel and Maiden Bright-Eye...(both stories address the forbidden territory and dangers of women who speak or put words to the unspeakable...)
Shandler's anthology breaks the silence of women who are mothers in a new way-revealing that when it comes to their experiences with their daughters- women rarely have shared the truth or depth of their feelings with each other --until now.
Anyone who lives near The Women's Museum of the Arts in D.C. should take the time to visit and delight in the exhibit of around the world writers' and artists' versions of the story of Rampunzel.(til late Jan.20002) --"Loving and Letting Go" ..as Shandler says is the task we must all face... as mothers of daughters, there are many pitfalls and pleasures along the way..

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Well with your time......, September 7, 2001

By A Customer

This review is from: Ophelia's Mom: Women Speak Out About Loving and Letting Go of Their Adolescent Daughters (Hardcover)

What a comfort to read this book, If you are struggling with an adolescent daughter, do yourself a favor, take the time and read this. It will validate how you are feeling, and also help you to recognize that things are going to be ok......